SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Something without a name. I feel like the best version of myself when I'm with you.

How many versions does she have? And that was her best?

That's the crazy thing: While she claims that she ran to this man because she felt insecure and unwanted, I was putting as much effort as I ever have into this relationship.

One thing I figured out through the countless stores and my own unfortunate experience with infidelity is that you could have been wearing a clown suit dancing a jig and she wouldn't have noticed any extra attention. Why because she was compartmentalizing and minimizing everything including her real life. You, I, no man can compete with fantasy because there is no real life involved. As you took her out she minimized that attention as that is what married people do. While as he took her out it was something he wanted to do with her because she was that special snowflake.

Hold on Jello she's in super panic mode, she knows she is losing you and now that she lost the OM (for now) there's a good chance of ending up with nothing.

The letters are quite damning, and show how she felt at the time...in the cold light after DDay she is changing her tune. So the question is was she lying then or lying now, and sadly I think she was lying to some extent both times. She has admitted to having a casual relationship with the truth. She kept the love notes like a schoolgirl in a shoe box, because they meant so much to her..

To me and maybe to you and others here the length of a year or so is not an affair, it's another life. Many could work through a ONS or a crazy week or two of "temporary insanity" but the time she devoted to the A is hard to overcome...

Although in a month she has decided it was all for nought and she wants to R...and she was "trying" to end and if it wasn't for the pesky OMBS she woulda gotten away with it...

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 3:16 PM, August 7th (Monday)]

I know that reading the letter she wrote to her AP must have cut deep and produced a hurt that can't be described. The letter the AP wrote her, will at least give you something to compare to the timeline your wife will give you. His letter appears to describe what, where, when, and can be compared to her what, when, where. and etc. There is a member on SI that I wish you could talk with. His user name is Walloped. You and he have a lot in common as both your situations are fairly alike and emotion wise. He could give you a lot of insight into what a reconciliation would be like. If I remember he is now 2 years out from D-day. Read his thread. It is long but very informative. I do wish you well.

She tells me that her writing in the letter was an act. It was her trying to convince *herself* that she matched his emotions. She didn't really believe what she was writing. She was trying to give him what she knew *he* wanted.

Sorry, but that doesn't pass the sniff test. Weak explanations don't feel much different than trickle truth really. They're just as disingenuous.

If it helps any though, it's not at all unusual for these type of insipid communications to sound like they're coming from lovesick teenagers. It's not much different than the kind of drivel the last OW was sending to my fWH. That's limerence for you though... just worthless dreck and certainly not worth the damage done and the trauma caused to the betrayed spouse.

In that one love letter to her AP, you know what the indescribable feeling that she felt with him that she thought was "deeper than love"?

It was power.

For a year she had two men in her life. She got the AP totally obsessed with her and at whim and reliable old you locked into a marriage, for better and for worse. That's quite an ego kibble, to still have that power of attraction. She can no to sex with the both of you anytime she wants, and still keep either if you in your places as long as the affair wasn't exposed.

You may not realize just how fortunate you are to be so strong upon your Dday. Most of us men did the pick me dance after our own Dday and our WW's were very cruel when they suddenly realized the power that was handed to them when they thought we men would do anything to save the marriage, including allowing our wives to have boy toys. Thus, they sat on the fence over and ate cake. They wanted both reliable old husband and as many lovers as their rationalization hamsters can handle.

I think your STBXW would have treated you the same if you had done the pick me dance as well. She would be more worried about how you keep you and the AP still, instead worrying how to save the marriage.

It would be hard to come back from this after only 3 years taking the cut and run option would be easier emotionally

You don't owe anything to the marriage and concidering the depth of emotional connection between them I'd say any commitment towards you would have to be sceptical

You've been married for three years.

One year ago, she started an affair.

Therefore, one third of your marriage was a lie.

You do not have children, and she has TTd, minimized, made weak explanations, powerplayed (JDuff makes an excellent and acutely valid point) and brought another man into your home to play house. You also have the letters.

What more do you need? A bullet in the head some night when you're asleep?

I work criminal defense and I know all about "temporary insanity" and NGRI verdicts. Your WW is far, far from being insane.

There are only two legal words that spring to mind here. One is "premeditation" on her part, the other is "divorce".

I'm sorry for your situation.

I was where you were with a very remorseful spouse who would have done anything to fix our marriage. She, like yours was seemingly happy (she tells me she was happy) but still cheated. i would get a big kiss hello when I came home every night only hours after she had him in her mouth. SSeconds on more than one occasion.

Still it took me 6 years to ultimately call it quits. You have a lot of people telling you what to do. They are trying to give advice and it comes from the heart. But this is your life. If you don't want her in the house then keep her the f out. If you feel like talking to her, talk. If not, don't.

She is not driving this bus, you are. The bus she drove went straight over a cliff. The only caution I can give you is they will say ANYTHING to keep their marriage. It is awful to be the WS who gets kicked to the curb. My wife is still in panic mode, and is going through some serious depression. Not a lot of her old friends at this point want her hanging out with their husbands. Your wife sounds smart and seems to know this.

The second thing is judging from the math in how long you have been together, kids might be something coming up on the horizon. I would think long and hard about that. You need to be 100% committed to her if you go that route. If not, cut bait now and let her find someone while she can to have kids with if that is what she wants.

I can tell you that even though my kids were grown, they kept me in this for a lot longer than I would have had they not been in the picture.

Just remember, you need to do what is best for you.

luxjello - I won't bring what your wife has been posting, because I don't think that's fair. But what bothers me about the things she's said to you is that it appears like she's a really good liar. She has a plausible excuse for everything. EVERYTHING. She wrote to him that he was her soulmate, not because she felt that way, but because she knew he wanted to hear it. She said she wanted to be with him and that she loved him, not because she felt that way, but because she thought he wanted to hear it. She says the affair was on it's way out. She was thinking of ending it within days of you discovering it. While a week ago, a month ago, several months ago, she was having sex with him, now.. you're the only one she's ever wanted. She says she invited him to your place not to have sex with him, but to spend time with him doing nothing. When someone confronts her about that, she says, "well, it wasn't that I wanted to spend time playing house watching tv, it was because I just didn't want to have sex with him." But you did. well..... it wasn't planned.

This isn't being remorseful. she's lying. minimizing. She thinks she can talk you into staying. I'll bet she's going to eventually say that she didn't even really like her AP. In my opinion, she's extraordinarily dishonest. I don't think you can trust anything she says.

That doesn't mean she can't wake up. But trust me on this, she's not awake yet.

good luck friend. I truly wish you happiness. I'm not sure it involves her.

Hey guys I haven't gotten a chance to read the most recent posts but I wanted to chime in once again because my WW has told me that she's been seeing a lot of venom in her thread on the Wayward forum ever since my arrival here. Several people have been sniping at her based on things I disclosed here, which really, truly isn't helpful to either of us.

I would like to be clear on one thing: she was part of this site's community before I was, and she was the one who recommended I post here for advice and support. If this contentious activity continues, then I will leave this community.

I wasn't aware that she was here, and don't know what her thread looks like. What I wrote was based on what I saw here in JFO.

I'll leave it to the mods to tell you whether your most recent post was appropriate, but I would strongly recommend that you stick around, prioritize yourself and focus on what is right, best and healthiest for you.

If your WW is getting a few 2x4s over in Wayward and is coming to you to get you or anybody else to back off or leave SI, then it's more of her triangulating nonsense. She should have gone to a moderator with that request - not you. She can always request a stop sign from the Mods and have whatever she's written closed to BS posting.

That's what the Mods are for and the Mods here do a bloody good job.

sure, that's fair. I can't post there, so it wasn't me. But it's unfortunate when betrayed's get on a wayward thread and swing 2x4s. Your wife could have put a stop sign on her thread. Then the only people who could post would be former waywards. That's why they have the stop sign.

the problem is, she's presenting a different tone of things, like the love letter. But then when you post actual quotes, it becomes clear that she's not really posting things accurately. Other waywards would call her on it. but it appears there are a couple too many BS's posting 2x4's there.

I would recommend you wait it out a bit. You've made your point. again. that should be enough. I think it will clear up. However, maybe your wife should put up the stop sign.

good luck.

I commend you for speaking out on her behalf. That section is and should be somewhat protected. Like Mike, I find her stories a little far fetched, but hopefully they will get called out by other WS. She like everyone deserves to be heard without being thrown to wolves She needs to put up the stop sign ASAP

The Wayward forum is protected, so your WW can request a mod to put a Stop Sign on her thread which would stop BS's from being allowed to post in it. All she needs to do is open a thread saying "mod please" and one should PM her. She can still get excellent input from other recovering WS's.

TBH, when both parties are posting, the story begins to flesh out and the rationalizations and plot holes become more obvious. That can be troublesome to a WS's process because sometimes they're just not ready to hear it from someone who can't readily identify with their experience.

I agree with Waitedwaytoolong.

One thing we should remember, she came here looking for help. She knows she's done some bad things. She knows she needs help and she's trying to get it. It takes a while for a wayward to really get their bearings after D-Day, just like it takes a Betrayed a while. I will say this, it's obvious she's trying. Not all waywards do.

Good luck my friend.

There is no need to put any kind of arbitrary timeline on making any kind of decision.

Its your life, your wife has stepped out of the marriage. In my mind you no longer owe her any allegiance. It seems reading through your posts that you haven't really wavered much on wanting to D. That is fine and your choice to make. Nobody else gets to dictate that. If your mind is made up then go for it.

Proceedings can always be stopped later. A new relationship with her can be forged later down the road if thats what is in the cards. there are a few people here that have done it....

I'm not advocating either way. I would just encourage you to understand that it is your decision. And if you have made one, then your not obligated to wait or do other things for anyone else..

Hopefully she has a stop sign on any threads of hers. Other WS's should be very helpful for her. They're going to give her 2x4's and tell her some blunt truths but they've been where she is and know what she needs to hear.

Thanks again, everyone. And sorry for taking that tone in regard to her thread. I'm pretty sure this site is big enough for us both to coexist. I just really don't want it to turn it into a situation where users think I want them to go yell at her on my behalf. I've done plenty of yelling at her myself, thankyouverymuch. (Ha!)

Something brought up over and over again is her lack of honesty through this process. I agree with you 100%. She does this revisionist history thing where she claims that she never really cared about the guy, that things were about to end, and that all she wanted to do was get away. Of course, none of that jibes with the physical evidence that I've managed to acquire, and I'm damn sure the hundreds of messages and texts that she deleted are even worse.

This, I think, is where that stupid deadline I gave myself becomes a hindrance. Rather than doing some serious self-reflection, she's trying to become as close as she can to what I want her to be so that I won't leave. I've tried many times to explain to her that I don't think she's in any state mentally to work on our M, but she's so desperate to get me to stay that she can't think of anything else.

Somebody mentioned that WW seems like a really good liar. I think you're right. It's like an improv game whenever any piece of new info comes out. How can she best explain it away to minimize its importance? But I'm not even sure if she's doing it consciously. She might just be afraid to admit it all to herself.

From my perspective, her affair would not have ended. If not for OM's betrayed wife catching him and telling you, her affair would be continuing. That speaks to her regret, not remorse. Regret at getting caught.

She will say now, that it was winding down, yada yada yada, she was going to end it, etc etc etc, but the reality is she was caught, and now regrets her temporary insanity. Right.

It's called damage control.

She escalated it by turning off the security cameras and having sex on the couch in your home. Didn't intend it? Sounds premeditated.

The love letters where she professes her love for OM, was to play on his ego? None of it is true Right.

Sounds lame doesn't it?

For as long as this affair lasted, the hopelessly in love OM, her getting caught, and the love letters. I think your WW at this time is regretful not remorseful.

Words mean shit, it's action. Has your WW written a NC letter? Will she submit to a polygraph to prove she was not in love and had no intent to run off?

You have gotten great advice, heed them.

Best wishes