SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You must be a bit careful on sites like SI when you ask such an open question about possible infidelity. All of us answering have experienced infidelity and I am willing to bet that to the last person none of us was expecting it. A normal and expected consequence is that we probably all tend to see infidelity in every situation. If this was a religious site, we would probably be telling you the picture of burned toast you shared with us had a portrait of Jesus burnt into it.

I think Stevesn offer a good, balanced approach. I would possibly take it a bit further: If she doesn’t offer her ex-fiancés name then bring it up. “Honey – did you meet Jack? Did you two talk and spend time together?”

If she asks you why you think that or how you know then simply tell her you know. Don’t mention the phone or recovering messages or anything like that. Simply stick to her changed behavior and that you know her so well that you KNOW something is wrong. Heck… if you have any contacts in her town you can even insist you were warned…

[This message edited by Bigger at 2:00 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

The texts you recovered so far show that your wife maintained her boundaries with this guy. I don't post often here but I'm a little troubled that some of the advice you are getting after you shared those texts still seem to treat your wife like a cheater even when the recovered texts provided no evidence to support that.

I just did a background check on this guy. He's married (to his 3rd wife). I'll definitely be talking to her soon one way or the other.

BTW, I can picture a scenario where my wife did nothing wrong and kept this from me for fear I would get on a plane and fly cross country just to beat this guy up, which I think I would have done. I'm not absolving her from all blame yet, but I can understand how this could all shake out in a positive way. I got in a bar fight about 10 years ago on vacation when a guy touched her bare shoulders (sexy sun dress) while hitting on her. I saw it happen with her trying to pull away from his aggressive advances while I was returning from the restroom. We had words and I threw a punch. Turned out he could hit just as hard as I could and we both were a bit bruised and a little bloody, and got tossed out rather rudely by the bouncers.

Ok, but I still think it important to give her a chance to come clean before accusing her of anything.

I hope you’ll consider what I wrote as a way to do that.

putting you in the light as the good guy, concerned about her does that.

I’m not saying let her walk over you. But she deserves the benefit of the doubt all the way until She loses that right if she admits something bad happened.

Good luck.

I understand your initial concern.

However, the texts appear to support the notion that she turned him down. That's a good thing.

But unfortunately you're left feeling unsafe because he's in the background constantly knocking at the door hoping she'll be vulnerable to an affair. He's obviously not a friend to your marriage.

Therefore, the X fiance should be expelled entirely from your wife's life.

I agree with Stevesn balanced approach.

However, you need to get the secret communication with the X finance out in the open so you can then discuss how you feel about him (and let her know that any future contact makes you feel unsafe).

Identify what she can do to make you feel safe.

I'm guessing it's not so much what occurred during her visit that makes you feel unsafe but rather to what extent does this guy have access/insight into your marriage at present.

For example, they should not be FB friends where he can follow her posts/photos and reach out to her. Her security setting on FB should only allow 'friends' to read her page. If he texts or calls, she should not reply (zero response because he feeds off even a 'no').

She should report all attempts to contact her to you.

I also think she needs to come clean about who the old friends were the night she failed to answer your calls/texts. She can't protect him if she's serious about rejecting him.

Finally, maybe you and her should jointly call this POS and tell him 'no' means no - and it ends now.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 3:05 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

There is still the issue of telling him that she said all she was going to say last "night". The phone call of 34 minutes was in the morning. That needs explanation. Lying by omission is still lying.

You've had suggestions about approaching this calmly, WileyC, and that is a good idea. Give her ample time to talk and explain what happened.

Good luck with your conversations and getting some clarity.

Make sure you inform OM's wife about his advances to yours, you have the text messages for proof, send her the screen shots.

There is still the issue of telling him that she said all she was going to say last "night". The phone call of 34 minutes was in the morning. That needs explanation. Lying by omission is still lying.

Yes.

Also not answering the phone all night when that is not like her and acting distant for months are causes for concern.

And if some creeper ex was pressuring me to talk I wouldn't call him and talk for 30+ minutes. Boundaries need work no matter what happened. She could have told you as soon as she got home and that would have kept you from flying out there to beat his ass....

Not saying your wife cheated but with other weird behavior I think it is wise to dig a little deeper/VAR.

One question. The night she was out and wouldn’t answer your calls, do the phone records show her texting/calling others during that time?

[This message edited by toby at 3:22 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

BTW, I can picture a scenario where my wife did nothing wrong and kept this from me for fear I would get on a plane and fly cross country just to beat this guy up, which I think I would have done.

I tend to agree with you on this. The barfight from 10 years ago could make her reluctant to say anything to you. I can also imagine her 34 minute conversation going into an extended version of, "you're not fucking up my marriage and I'm trying to avoid having my husband kick your pathetic ass".

I think that Stevesn and Bigger has provided some very good advice.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 3:29 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

Have VARs in place before you confront. Don't reveal too much.

Who she calls immediately after the confrontation and what is said...will be telling.

However, over the past 3 months she's seemed increasingly distant. About a month ago she went on a planned cross country trip to her home town to visit her mom for 2 weeks. Our communication during that time was very sporadic because of her reluctance to answer my calls/texts. There was one night when I couldn't reach her at all. She claimed she was out with "old friends" and lost track of time, but it was very unlike her not to answer at all.

The distance between us continued when she got home. And she's less interested in sex than normal. We've only been intimate once since she got home, and that encounter was very forgettable. Our sex life is normally good.

So from there, the texts were mainly him apologizing, but still trying to get my wife to meet up. My wife ignored most of the texts except to occasionally answer "not a good idea". Finally he spilled his guts and told her how he still loved her and never could get her off his mind, etc. Sounded like he was getting drunker ss he was texting. The text chain stopped when she called him and talked for 34 minutes.

From your total posts it doesn't smell like infidelity. I would reconcile the timing of her being unavailable with his contact and the long phone call.

I think you are doing the smart thing with the VAR. The problem is with her physical disconnection afterwards.

Was anything else going on at the time of her trip? Family issues, any disagreements between the two of you that may have been a coincidence with the timing of contact from her X that may have caused her apparent distance?

If there was any connection it'll show up in some form of communication. Her trip would be the test. Good thinking on the VAR.

The problem you have is even though it looks like nothing is amiss it's put you in a spot that you can't be totally 100% sure.

How you handle this is paramount. Cool calm and collected.

[This message edited by Marz at 3:57 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

There was one night when I couldn't reach her at all. She claimed she was out with "old friends" and lost track of time, but it was very unlike her not to answer at all.

The phone call of 34 minutes was in the morning. There was the mention of "I told you everything I needed to say last night". Does that correspond with the night you couldn't reach her.

As others have noted, the data you have points to him trying to start something with her, and her rebuffing him. Likely she didn't tell you to avoid inflaming you (in her view needlessly). She probably views this as a "little white lie by omission".

As noted, you should tell BOW about this, and do it without advance warning to your wife. But I'd suggest, like Bigger, being measured about how you discuss this with your wife.

I have a little time to answer some questions that have been posed by some posters here.

First I'd like to thank each of you for caring enough to help me. I truly appreciate each response, and I've read them all carefully.

Also, looking back over the phone bill, I see the call from her to him was 24 minutes, not 34. Google chrome is not very friendly with long posts here...continued in next post.

The night I couldn't get ahold of her was the night after her morning 24 minute call to him.

There have been no undue stressors in our lives in a long time. Her bit of distance just before and during her trip are unexplained.

My wife is about music 24/7. She is not tech-savvy at all. She probably doesn't know how to set a password or install an app

So I doubt she could hide an affair.

We've always had the marriage everyone else wanted. But I see the same thing mentioned in several confirmed affairs here.

I sure do love her and feel better after seeing the texts. The 24 minute call worries me, as does the fact I couldn't reach her all that night.

I will definitely contact his wife personally this week. I first will call him directly from my wife's phone to see how he answers, but I won't say anything, to see if he calls back.

After that phone call, over the next couple days, he kept texting her and tried to call a couple times. The only text she answered was to say "i said everything there is to say the other night. we have nothing else to talk about. "

It sounds like they did meet up and she rebuffed him. Concerning that she would go see him but sounds like nothing happened.

Could have caused her to become distant. Maybe the shock? Or her concerned about you finding out and your actions?

However, with your timeline it sounds like it may have been something not even connected to this?

I would use the texts to inform his wife and rock his world. Without any warning of course.

Just my way of saying thanks.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:46 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

So far any evidence is iffy at best. It is quite likely she did the right thing the whole time.

You might research who she talked to before the trip.

I think I'd start a conversation and work into, "How's your Mom doing, everything fine with her?", then into "did you get to see any old friends", "that's always nice to see the old gang, did you get a chance to go out to eat and catch up?"

At this point you should be able to tell if her spidey senses are going off, thinking you might suspect something. If not, keep the conversation going, asking if the town has changed much, how big has gotten,or whatever is appropriate, (don't know if you have ever been there), but someone tipped off the old BF that she was there. Lead the conversation there, then just ask if she saw her old boyfriend while she was there. Surely he would want to see you while she was n town, right?

That gives her an opportunity to come clean. If she says no, then she is either guilty or lying as to not upset you.

It may not prove anything one way or another, but you may find out she's not be honest with you.

Please calm down just a little. That is not being snarky. I had a boyfriend who just never quite let go. I moved on, married and never looked back. He would call me from time to time saying he still loved me. My husband knew all about the calls. The guy died. I am sorry he did but I don’t miss him. I doubt your wife missed this man. He bugged her until she called him and was probably polite but firm. Give her a chance to tell you. Just ask her if he is going to be a pest. Ask her if she is still interested in him. Ask her why she didn’t tell you. Don’t blow your top. It is flattering when someone yearns for you until it becomes ridiculous. If you have had a good marriage remind her of that. Not every person cheats. Some of us are pretty loyal. Maybe your wife is.