SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Isles,

One word:

Manipulation.

She has you wrapped so tightly around her little finger.

I think the minute I do she will walk, I just can’t ever see me getting the answers.

Being a part time dad is the only thing to have stopped me.

Yes I’m being weak I still feel paralysed and sick daily, I can’t function. Monday today and back to work the same sicking feelings return.

Yes I need to man up I need to find the strength now

I feel sorry for you Isles. You're so co-dependent that you're knowingly choosing a life of misery. I hope that you get the strength some day to do the 180 and take your life back. She'll likely be leaving you soon anyway though. She just needs to find another man who's willing to take her into his home; she'll be gone in an instant with no conscience and no remorse. You picked a terrible woman. For your sake, never do that again. I wish the best for you.

We all have a choice.

You are staying where you are right now because you want to.

The problem is you have to take what comes with that.

If you're hoping that'll change with zero action on your part I think you're destined for dissapointment.

You may not have put yourself where you are but if you want out it will be up to you to get there.

Hi isles,

I'm sorry but not surprised to see you back here. You dropped off with no resolution a few months ago and nothing seems to have changed. One statement from you:

I think the minute I do she will walk, I just can’t ever see me getting the answers.

Is in a nutshell what your problem is is right here. You see her walking as a worse thing than never knowing the truth. As long as that continues you will not find out what happened. As soon as you decide that knowing what she is doing is more important to you than having her stay you will have a much better chance of finding out. Your WW is playing a waiting game with you, waiting for you to fold. It is up to you if you do that. Nobody on here is going to come up with some magic advice that gets you what you need. Your best option is to start the process of getting out of this no-respect, sham marriage. That may wake your WW up and it may not but it will get you out of this misery. If you don't do that I think you'll stay in this state until she decides to move on herself.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 2:02 PM, November 25th (Monday)]

Isles -

You really need to re-read your posts.

After investigating I found out she was dropped quite way from our home! She till this day is denying meeting this man swore on our children’s life’s!

So, your wife is trying to keep you away from the OBS? Why?

You need to tell your wife, you will talk to her all you want because she is policing him as much as you are policing her. He lied to your face and coordinated his story with hers. These 2 are liars who will swear to lies on their CHILDREN'S LIVES. You can't believe anything she says.

She needs to open up all ways she cheated in the past to you. This includes turning on location services and letting you see her texts and calls. Make sure to un-install all messaging apps and tell her she can have them back after you reconcile.

You can divorce this woman and re-marry her later. You need to make her treat you like you believe you deserve to be treated. She is currently treating you in a way that makes you feel how? That is how you will feel until you change your situation.

So, start prepping for a divorce like the others said. Separate accounts and look at what life will look like if you were away from her?

Good luck.

Well if you chose inaction everything will stay the same, it will fester and make your sham of a M a living nightmare, that's not sustainable in the long run, act NOW, being a martyr won't get you a thing, at this point she knows and you have shown you won't do anything so why would she do anything about it, so far you have proven to her that she can cheat on you and there won't be any consequences at all, if that's your choice, so be it.

isles,

You are keeping yourself in your own pool of misery.

In your posts, you are making excuses for you to stay in the wreck of your M. I am guessing it is because you feel 'safe' in it. That you do not want to break away from this familiarity you are used to.

Ultimately, it is your choice on how you want to lead your life. You can continue to fear change, or embrace it. You may not realise it yet, but change is already upon you...... your WW caused it.

Hey,

At the least your wife was/is in a EA but most likely it sounds like a PA, taking it underground doesn’t mean it’s over.

Are either of you in IC?

Sometimes You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it!

Ignoring a situation doesn’t make it go away.

What happens in yrs to come if 1 of your girls find themselves in a similar situation?

The person who cares the least has the most power.

The marriage has no question about who cares least.

But what about you?

When you ask her to care more about you than you do, you have a life of misery.

You must care more about you and stop asking that to be done by her.

What does caring about you look like when you have an indifferent wayward who is hostile to the marriage and to you?

Stop reacting like you are frightened.

By doing so she is able to do whatever she wants, she knows you aren't going anywhere. She offered to "work it out" after you saw an attorney. But she has done nothing to assuage your concerns, or prove that she is R material.

1. Demand that you get full access to all electronics, and her emails. This shows strength, and lets her know you are no longer willing to tolerate being treated like a back up plan.

2. Demand she get full STD testing. If it wasn't physical she will jump at the chance to prove you wrong, if it was she will push back and most likely you will gain some balance back.

3. Stop worrying about the 50% time thing. You are getting 0% quality time right now because you are tying yourself in knots over her bullshit. You are better off being a 50% dad, than what you are right now.

4. I would definitely put the phone, or VAR in her car, as she is clearly still having communications with him. You need answers. You need proof. You need let her know that you will not tolerate any more.

Your WW sounds like a witch. These roller coaster of emotions you are experiencing are going to go on for a very long time and maybe for the rest of your life because you are living a lie and so are your kids.

Her horrible lying behavior is not only hurting you but also your two children. I grew up with my mom hiding her lies. It destroyed the family structure and hurt Every. Single. One. Of. Us. like you wouldn't believe. My mom took her lies to the grave. Lies destroy all those envolved.

Demand the truth because the truth will set you all free. When done in darkness everything comes to light.

Your WW is not the prize, you are. Take a stand and demand a poly and demand her to show you her phone. Your WW is such a liar. Pretty disgusting for her to be so disrespectful toward you and your children. And if she still chooses to be such a loser then maybe you need to reconsider a different path for you and your kid's. Not worth it to keep a family intact for these reasons.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 4:10 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

Thank you all for the reply’s

So much to take on board.

I will post again in a few days.

2 years ago a man who worked next door to my wife sent this via email “this one was the email subject title” YouTube Disclosure (1994) the confrontation

I thought about it this week I confronted the guy at the time who said they were talking about movies that michael douglas was in! Odd thing to send a married women

the book No More Mr Nice Guy helped me find my spine.

It's a quick read. I recommend reading it three times in a row.

THAT specific movie scene... just discussing Michael Douglas movies... come. on. did you youtube it?

I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh, isles but the way you've described your WW, she doesn't deserve you and the family at this point. Esp because of the behavior that she is showing to you.

We each have our roles in this journey of infidelity. Your WW roles are to come clean with everything if she truly loves you and the family and wants to strive for R. She really needs to give her all. She needs to make a timeline of how everything transpired. She needs to answer ALL of your questions you have for her and she does not deserve to get mad or show impatience. This is on her. She is the one who chose to step out of the marriage and seek affection from another man when this should have been you. If WW truly wants to make things right, she needs to be brutally honest. This is what it sounds like you need to begin to heal. There should be no timeline for healing. The average time for healing takes around 2-5 years and sometimes more. But this really depends on how your WW conducts herself so that you all can heal and move forward. Your WW has work to do if she is genuine in her goals for you.

How can your WW help you to heal, isles? Tell her what she needs to do to help you along. This is the time for honest communication and lots of it. This is the time for you to be firm in your beliefs. It's a struggle but it can be done. But it does take two, both you and her if there is going to be a successful reconciliation. I wish you the best in moving forward.

Once the trust has gone it's very hard to get it back. It doesn't sound like she is doing anything to reassure you. If shes got nothing to hide she should have no problem showing you her phone Bill's infact she should want to show you to prove her innocence & make you trust her again. Seems to me she enjoys having the upper hand! She has no respect for you or the other family involved. She has to come clean for you to be able to move forward.

There were instances in the past, so far your wife seems to be a remorseless serial cheater who thinks she doesn't even have to try very hard. Because you'll believe and do anything she wants anyway.

This woman is straight-up lying to your face, and you know it. Yet you're doubting yourself, trying to "not have her walk". She won't. Guess what? The other guy likely didn't want her to, because for him things are great the way they are. And he'd not want to leave his family for her. That's wherein all likelihood her doing the bare minimum to pretend she's interested in reconciliation comes from.

When she thought she was going to walk out on you. When she reacted with contempt and dismissal. When she delighted in hurting you. That was when she showed her true face.

At this rate, you'll stick around for another 10-20 years. Before you'll eventually call it quits. Quietly suffering the entire time. Ask yourself why. Why are you okay with her doing this. Why are you doubting yourself and believing her even though she is straight-up lying to you and you know it?

Isles,

As a betrayed spouse myself and also my line of work involves marriage guidance I do find your posts very confusing.

I have read your posts in great detail and would like to review the following points with you if I may. You don’t have to answer but please review them honestly in your head and reflect on them.

In terms of your relationship have you ever had an affair yourself. Having an affair yourself shows that this relationship is also not for you. I’ve found that this is something that many people hold back from admitting but it’s fundamental to the basis of your situation and your true feelings. People that hold on longer than they should have often had an affair themselves. It’s always clear that if both partners have done Similar, then that couple in almost all cases are just not meant to be together.

The advice that has been given on this forum is direct and to the point and yet it appears you haven’t taken any of it on board. This seems to be a evidenced based finding mission by yourself and to what gain. It’s clear the trust has gone and extremely clear that you could move forward without any evidence. Why do you need the evidence if your partner has requested the separation.

Your wife has already requested to separate from the relationship but with mention of it being done amicable, which surely would have released you from your torment. Would that not have been best for you rather than living this life.

I see that you have mentioned the children as your main concern. The children will ultimately thrive with separated parents that are happy and that have protected them throughout the separation process. The amount of exposure for the children can be limited in your case especially with the request for an amicable separation.

The advice of pushing for a divorce has been given to you many times but perhaps try to find an amicable solution for the protection of your children. You are by no means alone in this world with being divorced with children. Therefore you can feel confident in the fact that we see so many great success stories with separated parents being happy within their new life’s and children flourishing as a result.

[This message edited by isles at 3:14 PM, November 30th (Saturday)]

Isles,

I have been on the forum before under a different name due to being caught out by at the time STBX. I’m sorry that what I may have said has made you think that.

These times are hard and through my own experiences I know how these situations can make you feel paranoid.

I won’t post on your forum again.