SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had An autoimmune disease and went through perimenapause at the same time. I did not cheat. I only kept my house cold.

I had An autoimmune disease and went through perimenapause at the same time. I did not cheat. I only kept my house cold.

May I ask, how old were you at the time? We had spoken about her being perimenopausal earlier this year. Her doctor brought it up to her due to her various AutoImmune issues. She has Celiac Disease, Some IBS issues, gallbladder removed, and Sphincter of Odi dysfunction. If you aren't aware of that one, look it up. It's hard to explain. I won't do it justice. That last one is particularly difficult. She had multiple procedures to add stents to her bile ducts and lots and LOTS of doctors, hospitals, procedures, etc over a 5 or so year period. I was by her side every moment during this. But the doc thinks all of the issues may have kicked off perimenopause. She just turned 39 in May.

Gotta say, having a great day. The WW texted me all mad that I started having my checks deposited into my own account (We spoke about this last week at her request). Now she's saying her lawyer said not to until after the agreement was done, which she never once said to me. But through the entire conversation she was all riled up and I stayed super calm and cool. Told her I'm moving on, and she says her piece and I just told her that I'm good with the whole thing being over. As mad as she acted or as much as she tried to get a rise out of me, I honestly couldn't care less and was just chill about it all. Now she gets to feel the anger inside her and see how it isn't affecting me. Good times.

Its called consequences and she is not liking it clearly. Good for you for detaching even while she was doing her best to manipulate you. I would follow what ever your lawyer says and go from there.

You might consider just telling her to talk to your lawyer next time. Let her see what this new world is really like.

Good for you for taking your life back.

C

Stefulson, have you asked your lawyer about what a potential game plan would be if she goes for full custody? You might want to ask about a Guardian ad litem who will advocate for what is best for your children. If your kids want to live with you, the guardian will push for that in front of the judge. It will no longer boil down to a he said vs she said about what she's doing with the OM and the kids. The guardian will ask your kids about it and pass that info along to the judge. It's better if you get the jump on this and settle on the custody situation you want instead of giving her time to fuck up and trying to fight the custody ruling that's in place.

But through the entire conversation she was all riled up and I stayed super calm and cool.

HUGELY important. Good for you.

Advice: continue this no matter what. Even if she has a moment at some point in the future where she's broken down in tears and begging you to give her another chance, stay "super calm and cool" and check in here and do some processing before engaging with her (if that turns out to be something you want in that scenario).

Of course that may not happen at all. Either way, you're doing great.

HUGELY important. Good for you.

Advice: continue this no matter what. Even if she has a moment at some point in the future where she's broken down in tears and begging you to give her another chance, stay "super calm and cool" and check in here and do some processing before engaging with her (if that turns out to be something you want in that scenario).

Of course that may not happen at all. Either way, you're doing great.

Thank you. I really don't have any desire to work things out with her at this point even if she happened to try to. She's made her bed and she will need to lie in it.

I am glad you stayed calm.

She may show herself to you more during this process which can actually help you emotionally when she really is so selfish you get mad and see her for who and what she is.

I totally get the anger piece. You have a reason to have righteous anger which is not a sin.

Just because you are moving forward with a response to her behavior does not mean you are making these choices for your family. You are only responding to her actions and that also does not mean you are taking the chances away that you are willing to give her if she did choose to change course, become remorseful or what have you.

The hope can be really hard to deal with. Just because he woke up in some different world does not mean you can do the same thing at the same speed. Be kind to yourself on this despite what other commenters have said on the matter IMO. It is really heart wrenching to change gears so quickly.

I do have to say with some time you may see her change was not as fast or deep as you thought it was. You may start to see things a little differently even though you are in shock.

Maybe I missed this but if your daughter is being evaluated does your WW have any mental illness that could be playing a factor here?

Maybe I missed this but if your daughter is being evaluated does your WW have any mental illness that could be playing a factor here?

Well, both of us have it in our family. She has some mental illness on her side including depression, I had a Paranoid Schizophrenic as a Grandmother and Mom has depression issues. My dad also has a few issues of his own. lol. So for my daughter, the chance is high she has a real issue. My WW? Who knows? She's got a hell of a wicked temper and like I've said, a total personality shift most recently. Could be. Could just be she wanted to throw a live grenade into our family and run for cover on her own.

Wanna hear some funny/crazy stuff? So her and I share an Amazon account, of course. I went on there this morning and somewhere in the past week she looked up some necklace that is meant to give to your 'Future Wife.' Comes with this long poem to your future wife, etc. Freaking bananas. She's know the guy for a few months, Divorce papers haven't even been drawn up yet, and she's looking a this stuff? Bananas.

I was asking because my H had some issues that we did not know about that explained some of his bizarre behavior and why I could not make sense of it. One of those things happens to be a bipolar diagnosis. You will notice I did not say it was an excuse or explain it all but I believe it leads to how I cannot fathom some of the thing he does or ways he feels.

I was asking because my H had some issues that we did not know about that explained some of his bizarre behavior and why I could not make sense of it. One of those things happens to be a bipolar diagnosis. You will notice I did not say it was an excuse or explain it all but I believe it leads to how I cannot fathom some of the thing he does or ways he feels.

Gotcha and understood. I couldn't tell you for sure. But if you read through the behaviors she has exhibited through this entire ordeal, she is definitely acting way out of character. I mean, to be looking at 'Future wife' items only 7 weeks into the separation and only a few months after knowing this guy? Seems way out of sorts.

I will say this in addition to what I've posted so far. Her best friend said to me the other day, "She's acting like she used to in High School. When someone showed her attention she just jumped right into it." Which is somewhat shocking to me when thinking about the woman I married but she may be repeating her past.

I mean, to be looking at 'Future wife' items only 7 weeks into the separation and only a few months after knowing this guy? Seems way out of sorts.

I will say this in addition to what I've posted so far. Her best friend said to me the other day, "She's acting like she used to in High School.

None of this is that odd. It's part of the affair fog which is NOT some illness or something but more like a fantasy that they enjoy so much they just go full into pretend mode. She is having a great time imagining that this fantasy could go really well and make her feel like a 16 year-old forever. Many people do a lot of super weird and oddly inappropriate things because they are addicted to this false reality. It's sad but definitely not uncommon.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:49 AM, June 19th (Friday)]

None of this is that odd. It's part of the affair fog which is NOT some illness or something but more like a fantasy that they enjoy so much they just go full into pretend mode. She is having a great time imagining that this fantasy could go really well and make her feel like a 16 year-old forever. Many people do a lot of super weird and oddly inappropriate things because they are addicted to this false reality. It's sad but definitely not uncommon.

Have you seen any correlation between these fantasies and likelihood of the whole thing crashing and burning or the inverse? The more they delve into the fantasy the higher likelihood of it lasting?

Again, I need to prepare myself for any eventuality. Her Best Friend says she will cuff me to a chair to keep her away from me if she tries to come back but in reality, I need to mentally prepare myself for that possibility so I can arm myself against it if the chances are that this whole thing implodes within 6 months. Does that make sense?

Have you seen any correlation between these fantasies and likelihood of the whole thing crashing and burning or the inverse? The more they delve into the fantasy the higher likelihood of it lasting?

It's a "fantasy," but not like an alternate reality. WSs and APs *really* feel and think this way. Think about the fun giddiness you've experienced in relationships; you've had "fantasies" about your future with someone, about the woman in general, etc. Same idea.

What does make it definitely more of a fantasy for WSs is that they are already married, obviously. That's what makes it sort of "pretend" and weird.

I have seen the "fantasy" last indefinitely, both on here and in real life. I know a couple that began their relationship in secret while the man was married over twenty years ago, they were discovered, there was no real consequence for either the WS or the AP. They didn't work together and it was an exit affair for the WS.

They're married to each other today and quite happy. I think they're still big liars living out a weird fantasy that makes a lot of people uncomfortable.

SO I guess, to your question, I've seen a correlation between no consequences >>> affair continues >>> "fantasy" continues.

I have definitely seen a correlation between serious consequences >>> affair is killed >>> "fantasy" comes crashing down around them.

Consequences are generally one or more of the following:

1. Exposure to OBS

2. Exposure to work if a workplace affair

3. Exposure to other "stakeholders" in the marriage (family, friends, church, whatever)

3. BS implements a 180, does a good job of it, and includes working toward D as one of the 180 steps.

[This message edited by Okokok at 12:19 PM, June 19th (Friday)]

I need to prepare myself for any eventuality. Her Best Friend says she will cuff me to a chair to keep her away from me if she tries to come back

I am going to skip your questions because you have kids saying, "Please don't put up with this! Don't let her come back!" and a longtime friend of your WW saying ^^^ the above, but you keep asking if she'll snap out of it.

These people love your WW and want you away from her! Are you in IC? Maybe go twice a week because you are not ok. You are obviously very codependent or you would be listening to all of these people who are watching out for you. They seem to see a very broken WW who does not, under any circumstances, deserve to come back. What are you missing that those who love you see so clearly? It concerns me quite a bit.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 2:46 PM, June 19th (Friday)]

I have a friend who refused to leave an abusive M. Her H verbally abused her and the kids almost daily, and her kids begged her to leave him. Once her son threw himself down the stairs because he didn't want to live in this situation anymore.

The kids are in their 20s now and hate both parents. They are in horrible relationships and are dabbling in drugs. They tell their mom (my friend), "Shut the fuck up, mom!" when they don't like what she says. They have no respect for her and resent her weakness so, so much. It's beyond sad. The dipshit dad they just avoid because he's an ass.

Seriously, this is what happens when kids beg to be taken out of a traumatic home life but are ignored. Please, listen to your kids. They do not want to be around their mother, and they see you as weak for accepting her bullshit.

Save them.

Save yourself.

These people love your WW and want you away from her! Are you in IC? Maybe go twice a week because you are not ok. You are obviously very codependent or you would be listening to all of these people who are watching out for you. They seem to see a very broken WW who does not, under any circumstances, deserve to come back. What are you missing that those who love you see so clearly? It concerns me quite a bit.

I appreciate the concern. Truly. But I'm not saying that I'm pining over her. Quite the opposite, actually. I'm asking questions for 2 main reasons:

1) Information is power. The more I know and understand, the better I can prepare myself for any eventuality.

2) IF...that is, IF she tries to come back, having a relative timeline to be aware of will help me prepare myself against it.

IF she tries to come back, having a relative timeline to be aware of will help me prepare myself against it.

Ok.

But I don't understand. If you are done, you are done. How does what she wants, thinks, or how she behaves matter? I guess I don't understand this power you think she has.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:48 PM, June 19th (Friday)]

It is still power if you decide to give someone another chance or not....if they ask.

There is nothing wrong with him putting some thought and preparation into what he would say, do, require if she asked to come back.

I have done this as I proceed toward D. After almost 20 years of M and 3 kids together it is really hard not to hold out a tiny sliver of hope or expect he could do this at some point. I would not want to be blindsided. I would know what I required. Every day that goes by is a day he does not ask for this and my heart and mind are learning to accept this and it is a process.

I do think you need to arm yourself for that possibility that it could come crashing down. The thing is it may never. It could happen in 6 months. It could happen in 6 years. If you are ever in the D forum you will see it can happen.

Here is one thing to note about it.....it is often still about them IMO. As in, oh this did not work out. Poor me. I ruined my family. I am broke. This other person is not perfect either. IT is often still about their own losses once they see them. Every now and then on a rare occasion you will see a WS actually wake up up time and do the work but many times they fall head first into their new destructive path only to wake up way too late.

I do agree IC can be very helpful.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 9:48 AM, June 20th (Saturday)]