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I'm wondering if anyone has experience here with these. My WW is 39 and has a whole bunch of AutoImmune issues. Her Doc earlier in the year said she may be perimenopausal but that isn't confirmed. It just seems that with the drastic change in her personality and the newfound anger/cruelty she shows towards me there has to be a rational explanation for what's going on. Now mind you, I'm not condoning or looking to forgive her actions. I just am wondering if anyone has any thoughts on the differences between these two and if it IS a Midlife Crisis Affair, how long can I expect it to last? I would say to me, there is a very small window where I might be willing to reconcile with her but it is closing very fast, especially considering how everything has happened and the light-speed in which she is moving with this guy, and towards divorce.

I haven't seen your whole story, but from what I can get from your post she is still in the A? Have you told her to choose him or you?

She seems a little young for a mid-life crisis. It seems she will keep doing what she's doing as long as you don't say otherwise. If you are not ready to tell her him or you that's fine - you need to do what you are comfortable with. But I think she needs to know in no uncertain terms that this is not okay with you and you will not be around much longer if she doesn't go NC and work on the M.

I know this is difficult but right now it seems as if you are doing the pick-me dance and that never works out well. Take it from someone who danced a lot (prior to SI - I didn't have the wonderful advice you can find here). You need to take a stand. Just my two cents.

From your other thread:

She spends every free moment with AP

She is proceeding with divorce paperwork

She tells you it's over

She told the kids she's seeing someone

Assume it is an exit affair because she is exiting. Let her exit. After all, you can't stop her. And you shouldn't want to.

P.S. from your other thread: you said you were cooking, cleaning, working, homeschooling, and doing everything. Why? Why is it all you? Have you looked into codependency at all? Your marriage responsibilities and effort seemed very out of balance even before A. Did you guys have a 50/50 partnership?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:32 PM, June 13th (Saturday)]

We normally shared the household responsibility. With the quarantine she was still going to work and I was working from home so I picked up handling most of everything to help her out. The old, 'we balance each other out' thought. But even when she said she wanted separation she threw in there that she 'felt guilty that she wasn't home to take care of things' as some sort of reason among her other strange reasons. Kind of like she threw everything but the kitchen sink at me for the reason she wanted to separate.

It just seems that with the drastic change in her personality and the newfound anger/cruelty she shows towards me there has to be a rational explanation for what's going on.

There is. But it's almost impossible for a brand-new BS to wrap his head around it.

Two years from now, if you read back on this post, you will smile a little and shake your head at this question.

As I recall, I asked almost a similar question in my early days. Many people do. Many BS want to believe in a "midlife crisis" as a horrible illness that strikes the WS like a bad blood cancer. Something that needs treatment, isn't really their fault, and on which all of the blame of this horrific nightmare can be placed. Something they can get through together, or that can be "waited out."

Sorry, that's not what it is. A "midlife crisis" is a term to explain the way that *some* people express and think about themselves during a phase of life that *all* people go through (if they live long enough). That's it.

Tattoos and motorcycles and pierced ears and affairs can all be part of it. But it's not an "illness" that you have to wait out. It's really her.

Anyway, back to that rational explanation: the newfound anger/cruelty she shows toward you is because she has a boyfriend. That's how it works.

I'm sorry. It sucks. The same happened to me. The same happens to every BS when the new boyfriend/girlfriend is in the mix for the WS. It's how married people who also have affair partners act toward their spouses. That's where it comes from.

There are many reasons for that. But that's how they act. It's the "rational explanation."

If this affair could somehow be ended, then you'd see her acting totally differently toward you. Honestly probably begging to come back and telling you how wrong she was and how great you are.

Doesn't look like that's happening for you, and it hurts, and I'm sorry.

I just am wondering if anyone has any thoughts on the differences between these two and if it IS a Midlife Crisis Affair, how long can I expect it to last?

All that is happening with her will continue as long as she has a boyfriend and an affair. Exposure to their work could kill the A. If he's married, exposure to OBS would almost *definitely* kill it. Either of these things a possibility for you?

But it's not looking good. Again, I'm sorry. She's already filed and you two are separated, right? If you can't expose to work or OBS, you should be in full 180 mode. That's your only other "tool" of sorts, and it will help you even if she doesn't "wake up" or "come back."

I would say to me, there is a very small window where I might be willing to reconcile with her but it is closing very fast, especially considering how everything has happened and the light-speed in which she is moving with this guy, and towards divorce.

Sure, makes sense. I felt the same way.

Important question I hope you'll answer: what does your day to day look like with her? Lots of contact? Lots of explaining, being really nice, trying to engage, telling her how much you love her, etc.? You assuming lots of blame for everything and making sure she hears that from you? Did you send her that letter you wrote?

And what has today been like?

Again, I'm so sorry. Been in this boat, more or less.

[This message edited by Okokok at 2:03 PM, June 13th (Saturday)]

I appreciate everything you've said. I really do. Everyone here has been pretty eye-opening with their own stories and quite frankly, blunt truth. I'm sure i need a lot of that right now. I guess part of what's driving me mad is how she sees no wrong in her actions. She sat the kids down this past Monday to tell them that she isn't doing anything wrong and it 'isn't cheating' even though no paper shave even been officially filed. Mind you, we separated May 3, met on May 5 to discuss things and she enforced the 'needing space' for a while, and talked May 6th when we 'agreed' to remain faithful to each other during this. In my words, 'it isn't a time to be single and go party, it's a time to reflect on us.' She got pissy but agreed to it. No later than May 9th she was sleeping with this guy according to our EZ Pass statement.

Important question I hope you'll answer: what does your day to day look like with her? Lots of contact? Lots of explaining, being really nice, trying to engage, telling her how much you love her, etc.? You assuming lots of blame for everything and making sure she hears that from you? Did you send her that letter you wrote?

Okay, I'll hit these 1 by 1.

1)Currently there isn't much day to day. I haven't even texted with her since Tuesday. She had been acting cordial for the first couple of weeks but got colder as time went on to now where she doesn't want to see me for a while, in her words. I honestly feel the same way after how she has handled things, especially with the kids. Telling them about the new guy while still lying to me and then this new news my 10 year old tells me...again.

2)I stopped talking to her about blame. I have accepted enough blame while she is shooting to see him every weekend, while barely talking to the kids all weekend. She basically sees them a total of 12 hours a week after work. She has become consumed with work and him (who is a co-worker).

3) I absolutely did not send it. Between her best friend telling me I was crazy to take all this blame (She is disgusted by her. They've been friends for 30+ years and this has come close to ending their friendship. I keep trying to tell her not to jump the gun too much but she is fed up), my therapist telling me the same, and everyone here virtually kicking me in the head for even thinking about it...I decided the majority rules.

I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been trying to figure it out too. But why? Does it really matter? They are selfish people that will say/do whatever it takes to make themselves feel okay about what they’ve done.

It is truly mind blowing how different they are and how they clearly have no concept of the amount of destruction they have caused and continue to cause on a daily basis....

Wish I had great advice....many in a few years? Right now, know that you are not alone in this.

I think you need to look at the situation prior to the affair to see what state the marriage was in, and their reaction upon discovery.

In my case our marriage was pretty good. We got along and were planning for the future. She had some younger guy that preyed on her insecurities. It was pretty much a sexual affair. In fact they never went out, showed much affection to each other, and she never stopped showing affection to me. Upon discovery and the potential of losing everything she did whatever she could to salvage the marriage. Classic mid life affair. I hate the word, but fling works here

Your case is different. Marriage wasn’t in a good place, hostility to you, and she has made it clear she wants the marriage to end. Not saying mid life issues aren’t in play, but yours is a classic exit affair. Bottom line is who wants to be married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to you

Stefulson:

Your codependency knows no bounds. Stop the pick-me-dance now as it makes you look weak and clingy, & lover boy, in comparison, strong and sexy. Do not beg, Do not reason with her, & do not let yourself believe that she will come to her senses.

Your marriage is dead, so dead that rigor mortis has set in. The longer you are hooked on hopium, the longer you will remain in agony.

You're remaining in a dream-world in which you wish to wake up from the nightmare and your life will continue on as if nothing has happened.

You are the leader of your family, yet your children see reality much clearer than you. Instead of inspiring them, you show them the way to not handle a crisis in their lives, causing them to pity you.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, A WOMAN CAN GET NO LOWER THAN WHEN SHE DESERTS & BETRAYS HER CHILDREN???

Some actions you should take:

1. Go to a lawyer. At least get the process started. She deserves to be served with papers. Divorce is a long process, and if she would ever remove her head from her nether regions, it could be stopped, but never expect this to happen.

2. Stop making excuses for her. There are no excuses for what she has done. She is destroying your children's lives and futures. Would you defend anyone else who would do that to your kids???

3. Start practicing the 180 religiously. Google: the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html

4. Start practicing Strength & Honor. Teach your children to deal with crises instead of trying to wish them away. They deserve that. YOU DESERVE THAT!

See, this is where it get a little crazy. Up until she blew everything up, we were doing ok. A month prior, we were planning a vacation for just the 2 of us. A week prior, we had (pardon the TMI) some pretty amazing sex. And up until a few weeks prior, we were looking at new places to move together. Aside form quarantine screwing our lives up...which full disclosure, I was drinking a tad more than usual but it wasn't a daily or even every other day thing. I may have 2 or 3 drinks then not drink for a few days. Then maybe drink for 2 or 3 days and not again for a week. Mind you, this is a girl who also drinks (not as much) but also smoked a ton of weed. I won't smoke after I drink, but she would. (I have a prescription, she doesn't). So there's some hypocrisy there. I get that drinking bugs her, her mom is a fall down alcoholic. But other than giving me the side eye or something similar she didn't make a big deal out of it or bring up any issues she was dealing with in the marriage. She says now that she was 'screaming at the top of her lungs', but no, she wasn't. That's something we used to do if the other was down and not hearing the other. All outward indicators seemed okay.

You sound like a pretty decent guy. I think your wife has done you a favor. I am sure it is hard to see it that way now but I think there is someone fabulous waiting for you and will appreciate and love the great qualities you bring to a relationship. Now pull yourself up and go start your new life! You can do this! Really you can! You are still young enough to make a good life for yourself. Go make her jealous how wonderful your life is with a non cheater.

[This message edited by Sadismynewname at 3:44 PM, June 13th (Saturday)]

1)Currently there isn't much day to day. I haven't even texted with her since Tuesday. She had been acting cordial for the first couple of weeks but got colder as time went on to now where she doesn't want to see me for a while, in her words. I honestly feel the same way after how she has handled things, especially with the kids. Telling them about the new guy while still lying to me and then this new news my 10 year old tells me...again.

2)I stopped talking to her about blame. I have accepted enough blame while she is shooting to see him every weekend, while barely talking to the kids all weekend. She basically sees them a total of 12 hours a week after work. She has become consumed with work and him (who is a co-worker).

3) I absolutely did not send it. Between her best friend telling me I was crazy to take all this blame (She is disgusted by her. They've been friends for 30+ years and this has come close to ending their friendship. I keep trying to tell her not to jump the gun too much but she is fed up), my therapist telling me the same, and everyone here virtually kicking me in the head for even thinking about it...I decided the majority rules.

Got it. Sorry you have to deal with all that behavior from her, and that you're having to take on the bulk of parenting for now. Get ready for that to be your new theme. Kids are going to need at least one stable parent. That's you.

Glad you didn't send her that letter. Can I ask when the last time was you had an emotional exchange with her (even if it was just one-sided), and what that looked like? Basically I'm asking when was the last time you talked to her about relationship stuff.

She sat the kids down this past Monday to tell them that she isn't doing anything wrong and it 'isn't cheating' even though no paper shave even been officially filed. Mind you, we separated May 3, met on May 5 to discuss things and she enforced the 'needing space' for a while, and talked May 6th when we 'agreed' to remain faithful to each other during this. In my words, 'it isn't a time to be single and go party, it's a time to reflect on us.' She got pissy but agreed to it. No later than May 9th she was sleeping with this guy according to our EZ Pass statement.

Just FYI, nowhere in the history of SI has the following scenario happened:

1) Wife separates from husband for valid, appropriate reasons

2) Wife develops feelings and has sex with coworker beginning 2 days after separation

When do *you* think her relationship with this man started?

She says now that she was 'screaming at the top of her lungs',

I swear they all say the same things.

I got caught up on your posts. I can't speak to your drinking and pill usage. Just cluing you in that your wife still seems to be following some pretty clear patterns here. I guess you're already pretty aware of that by now.

Your focus is on the wrong thing. Who gives a shit why she is running around town like a nasty whore? You should be focusing on getting as far away from her as fast as possible. Get your attorney lined up, make your list of demands, have her served and booted out of the house, and move forward without her.

She doesn't appreciate or want you. And that's her problem. Let her go ve with Mr. Integrity. His worthless ass can have her and her lack of loyalty and morals.

Believe it or bot, there are good, decent women out there. But you won't see one right in front of you if you're still hanging on to her and all the drama she brings to your life.

FWIW it doesn't matter why she is nasty and soulless, just that she is nasty and soulless.

She says now that she was 'screaming at the top of her lungs', but no, she wasn't.

This is one of my WW's favorite things to say.

Glad you didn't send her that letter. Can I ask when the last time was you had an emotional exchange with her (even if it was just one-sided), and what that looked like? Basically I'm asking when was the last time you talked to her about relationship stuff.

Been a couple of weeks. She wouldn't really talk at first so I ended up leaving her a letter laying out how I was feeling at the time. She responded by another letter (Lying to me again. Said she was staying at her Cousin's place for the weekend, guess where she actually was most of the time?). The 'conversations' have been pretty one-sided as far as what we want. I wanted to work on us, she accelerated the divorce. Again, now I know why.

Since then, it's been mostly lawyer talk and divorce. I found out about the cheating last week and realized how many lies she has been telling once I knew for sure. I had been suspicious for a while.

When do *you* think her relationship with this man started?

I think it started months ago. And it followed the same pattern as the last time she got involved with a co-worker. Last time I caught it before it went far (7 years ago). We cried, we made promises, we worked on things. Things got better but we both had some health issues over the next few years so that took time away form us as a couple, except anytime she was ill or hospitalized, I spent every waking moment I could by her side.

This time I think it went: Guy started working there. Shortly after, they got to chatting and hanging out at work, then just some BS texting, late night/early morning text exchanges that got more and more intimate, I'm sure before we split they had already hooked up a bit, we split, immediately Sleep with new guy, asked for divorce.

I must ask: where is your anger and outrage at what she has done to you AND your precious children? Why are you not white hot rage pissed???

I am first going to say how sorry that you are here. This is not anywhere that we ever wanted to be. I get where you are. You are trying to gauge something and make sense of it. Here is something I learned. You can't. I spent so much time trying ot figure out how and why my H did what he did. There were some form of answers in the end but nothing that was in any way satisfactory to me or I will ever understand.

Our MC told me early on to stop focusing on the why because I will never get a good enough why because it is wrong and should have never happened even where and if you found out reasons that let to it. I agree.

I am not even sure I know the difference between mid life crisis, dumb ass, selfish, validation issues, mentall illness, narcissist, and so forth. It could be one of those or all of those. What is a mid life crisis anyway? My H cheated on me at 29, and 39 and also acted half crazy. Was it a mid life crisis? I don't know. I just care that he did it.

As long as your focus is on her you will try to make sense of something and someone who doesn't. It is really hard to let that go. Your brain will turn and turn an twist and stay up at night beceause if you are anything like me....you NEVER would have done it and CANNOT wrap your brain around it. Stop trying and take care of yourself.

It sounds like she has told you she is trying to exit. You have a future with our without her. I don't think they even respect the pick me dance at all.

One things I will address is that they are very cruel. They have to dehumanize and blame you or they have to face who they really are and what they are really doing and it is really ugly. This is very common

I must ask: where is your anger and outrage at what she has done to you AND your precious children? Why are you not white hot rage pissed???

Super Valid question. And trust me, I am pissed. But, there's a few other factors I have to consider. If I go after her, She will go after the kids and custody. New Jersey doesn't care about infidelity unless it's attached to other behaviors. Which I will say, I have video of her giving our 14 year old daughter her marijuana vape pen so there's a behavior. That being said, with the depression, and her claims of alcohol/drug addiction(Mind you again, not a drop in 6+ weeks nor any painkillers except a ton of Advil) I could have a knock down, drag out which I do NOT want to put my kids through. And her Daddy would fund her fight with no question.

So, basically, the only reason I'm keeping it together and not destroying her and her reputation is those 2 kids. They deserve some sort of a decent life even in the midst of this shitstorm. Once this is all over, that mindset will probably change but I still don't want to hurt the kids so It almost feels the smarter path to not go Crazytown on her. As much as I want to.

As long as your focus is on her you will try to make sense of something and someone who doesn't. It is really hard to let that go. Your brain will turn and turn an twist and stay up at night beceause if you are anything like me....you NEVER would have done it and CANNOT wrap your brain around it

This is very true. Never would do this to anyone so I don't understand the mindset.

If I go after her, She will go after the kids and custody. New Jersey doesn't care about infidelity unless it's attached to other behaviors. Which I will say, I have video of her giving our 14 year old daughter her marijuana vape pen so there's a behavior. That being said, with the depression, and her claims of alcohol/drug addiction(Mind you again, not a drop in 6+ weeks nor any painkillers except a ton of Advil) I could have a knock down, drag out which I do NOT want to put my kids through. And her Daddy would fund her fight with no question.

If this is an exit affair, she's going to drag you through hell no matter what you do, so.. act in your own best interest using your best judgment. I'm NOT saying you have to do things which go against the grain, but don't let fear of her going after whatever she can get in a divorce alter your actions. She's going to to that anyway.

And this vape pen thing... look up "EVALI, deaths" and see just how bad that is. Using THC products in a vape pen is stupid enough without giving it to a child. Make sure you lock your evidence up somewhere safe, like a safety deposit box that only you can access.