SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Nothere759,

I am sorry that you had reason to look for a forum like this. A great many people who come here are racked by indecision, and some inhabit a twilight zone between wanting to stay or go for decades, so having a strong sense of your way forward is arguably better than that. There are pros and cons with every option available to betrayed people, but if infidelity is a deal-breaker for you, it is better not to ignore your feelings and try to live in a dynamic that no longer feels right for you.

She refused to talk about the divorce and wanted to work on "us"

That suggests an element of blame-shifting by your wife, as if the relationship gave her no alternative but to cheat, and the time for working on the relationship was before cheating, not after it. Refusing to discuss divorce is an attempt to control the situation, but if you know what you want, you are right to stick to your guns.

The emotions you expressed to your wife are natural, and many people here will have expressed similar feelings at some point in the aftermath of betrayal. It is hard not to feel that way sometimes. However, we all have to talk to each other calmly eventually, whether we are divorcing or reconciling, and if your emotions are still strong, it may be best to stick to just the essentials in your communications, and avoid being drawn into discussions about the rights and wrongs of the situation. Those will not change anything; it is what it is - sadly - and you know how you want to proceed.

Your wife is not the Devil. She is a person who made some terrible decisions, and she is probably panicking about the new reality she has created for all of you. People say and do all kinds of things when they are panicking, and you may face alternating waves of love-bombing or being blamed for everything as your wife tries to deal with the situation she has created. Unlike her, you know what you need, so stay resolute and follow the path that is right for you.

Our thoughts are with you.

[This message edited by M1965 at 2:30 PM, Thursday, March 17th]

OP - can you provide some context. I hear what you’re saying but since you haven’t discussed the circumstances surrounding her A it’s difficult to comment.

Stay true to yourself. If the affair is a dealbreaker, so be it. You certainly don't need her cooperation in divorcing her. It's been at least six months since you have known of the affair so you certainly can't be accused of acting impulsively. Go see a lawyer and start the process. Again, all that matters now is you and your children. It is important to stay amicable with your STBXWW in order to work together as good co-parents. Encourage her to seek independent counseling in order for her to accept the reality she created and become a cooperative co-parent.

I swallowed a lot of crap in order to be a good co-parent. For the sake of your children, you will have to do the same. But that does not mean you have to stay with the WW.

If you feel you could have been a better husband, take what you learn and apply it to your next relationship. But no way no how is her cheating justified for problems that may have existed between the two of you. Never forget that point. Good luck to you and stay strong.

I'm not sure the details matter. OP is done. His wife knew her cheating would be a deal breaker, due to her husband's history with his mother. She chose to take a shit anyway. He knows himself well enough to know he doesn't want to reconcile. So the who what,when,and where are inconsequential. She cheated. He's done. He's not willing to put himself through the continued pain of attempting reconciliation with a woman he knows he won't be able to look at as anything other than a cheater. Most people arrive here scared,and unsure. He is devastated, which is normal. But he isn't wondering if he should give her another chance. He knows he cant, and he won't. It doesn't matter if she is remorseful, or willing to move mountains. All that matters,to him,is she cheated. End of story.

No WS is owed a second chance,and not all marriages should be saved.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:34 PM, Thursday, March 17th]

I think HellFire has nailed it. There is no indecision here. The OP knows exactly what he wants to do. The specific details do not matter. Nothere759 I am sorry your M came to this. Take care of you.

As you proceed promptly to D you may consider starting a new thread in the Divorce Forum here. You will find a lot of helpful information and advice from people who have been through the D process. Also make sure to read in the healing library. Good luck moving forward.

Hi Nothere 759

I was greatly saddened reading your post. I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound very sad and depressed. I think you should vent here all you want but I think you should also seek to speak with a counselor or trusted friend about how unhappy you are.

I was so shocked, hurt, and saddened upon learning of my WH long ago, but if it’s any consolation, things will get better. Maybe there is no room for R because once you lose trust in a person it is hard to regain. And maybe this is an opportunity for you to widen your horizons and focus on your self growth. Try new hobbies and experiences with your children.

I hope you will find peace and healing soon.

Thanks everyone. I also want to say I'm glad I wasn't harassed into getting back with my wife like spaceghost was. I know mentions of his thread on the "wayward" side is a big no no though with nasty pms from "waywards" to bs's. His story resonated with me so I'm just sad they are so vitriolic over in that forum

Was spaceghost harassed to get back with his wife? Don’t remember. To my recollection he came here with a plan and stuck to it. I remember that I thought he focused a bit on creating pain for his wife, and I personally don’t think that’s conductive to personal recovery. The only thing I regret in how I handled infidelity was my half-assed attempt at revenge.

Would you be willing to share how you – a recent poster and recent infidelity victim – heard of spaceghost? Who told you of the waywards actions and the PM’s and all that?

You have been clear from the first post you want to divorce. Go do it if that’s what you want. Only follow the advice to focus on getting out and getting help with your grief.

I heard of space ghost on another website and since his story sounded similar to mine I read it. The harassment telling him to give his wife a chance was on his thread, specifically around the time he said he was moving to Florida.

His story is famous on every infidelity related support board. Don't know why that's weird. As well as all the drama surrounding it

All I did was thank everyone for not doing that to me.

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 2:18 AM, Friday, March 18th]

Where did you learn about this:

I know mentions of his thread on the "wayward" side is a big no no though with nasty pms from "waywards" to bs's. His story resonated with me so I'm just sad they are so vitriolic over in that forum

I'm asking because if true then it's probably a breach of guidelines and definitely something the mods would like to address. Nasty PM's from waywards - in fact anyone - are not tolerated on this site.

Do you want me to say it right here? I know it's not allowed usually and I don't know how to pm

A BS can also D for healthy or unhealthy reasons.

I don't think a BS getting a D is ever for an unhealthy reason bc the reason is their spouse cheated. Any other "reason" is simply an effect of the betrayal.

And I'll add in that I, too, have never heard that SG shouldn't be mentioned in the Wayward forum, nor have I heard of nor experienced any harassing pms due to mentioning SG.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 6:09 AM, Friday, March 18th]

I, too, have never heard that SG shouldn't be mentioned in the Wayward forum

Not to add fuel to the fire,but I have heard that. Somewhere on this site. I can't say when,where,or what context,but it rings a bell for me..

I have a rather good search engine I use to find stuff on this site.

It doesn’t go into the archived posts but the often-mentioned poster is named twice in the wayward forum, both times back in early 2018. In both instances relatively positively as an example of decisive BH and that a wayward wife needs to respect their decision. Neither post flagged by the mods here. Neither poster banned (although neither has contributed recently).

If a poster is banned for posting in the wayward forum it’s because they are not respecting guidelines. The Wayward specific guidelines are right there at the entrance, sort of a shirt required for entry sign. Probably the most common mistake is posting on a STOP-sign thread. This is generally forgiven with a slap on the wrist. To be banned from the forum you need to be disrespectful to those seeking help or by not heeding moderator advice. Even then the most common response is a ban into THAT forum. To be kicked out – banned for SI – you need to take that attitude and disrespect to another level.

BTW – Other sites have comparable rules and guidelines. One thing one of the sites does that I enjoy is have a forum where they list all their banned members. Many of whom were banned here too.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:05 PM, Saturday, March 19th]

Curious to know the actual storyline of her infidelity and confession. What did she do, with whom, when, and why on earth did she confess to you knowing what she knows about your mother?

Apropos of the comparisons to Spaceghost, if memory serves, Spaceghost's WW did not confess. He caught her.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 9:03 PM, Friday, March 18th]

your story was like Spaceghost's, then that adds perspective.

He handled his issue like a champ.

You have made up your mind decisively and credit to you.

My only suggestion would be to get out of the name calling and crazy behavior. It could come back to haunt you in court or when she retaliates. Get out of it as clean but decisively as you can.

It sounds like she knows what she did wrong and she is in a world of hurt over it and it is the mother of your kids and someone who has to recover. Yes, you don't have to help her recover but you don't need to destroy her or retaliate. The quick divorce serves that purpose

So she wanted to talk about things. But what she and I wanted to talk about was completely different. She refused to talk about the divorce and wanted to work on "us" I told her there wasn't any us anymore. I told her this was happening regardless of what she says or wants and I would go tommorow to get everything ready with of without her. She wasn't having it.

What you want has likely never been any of her concern. She didn't want to sincerely talk she just wanted the opportunity to attempt to manipulate you into staying in a dead marriage, the one she killed. She wasn't having it. You haven't shared much about your wayward but I would wager you have a narcissist of one variety or another on your hands. Not your will be done but hers.

So at this point I'm pretty frustrated and she just says she wishes she never did it blah blah blahand I just kept repeating "are you done?" She just broke down and became incoherent.

She regrets that she has been caught. She is shedding crocodile tears. She is incoherent. Part of the act, also her own frustration at losing control over the situation (affair, the narrative, you.)

I was done so I called her a worthless whore who not for the kids I regretted ever meeting and I would never forgive her and that when she was all alone she'd still have her memories fucking that loser. Not really proud of it but I meant every word.

Bravo!

Going to keep talking to a lawyer and see what to do since trying to get her to cooperate wasn't happening

If you live in the western world her cooperation will not be necessary. Most every place is no fault meaning you do not require her consent, permission or approval to divorce her. It would be helpful and likely minimize delays. Expect delays. She will drag out the process for as long as possible because that is the only control she will have left over you.

Would restrict communications with her to txt or email which are easily documented. No calls just send them to voicemail. Do not meet with her in person going forward unless it is at your lawyers office or you have one or more witnesses present with you in your favor. Why? False allegations of abuse, violence or rape can be levelled against you for her to turn the tables on you. More than one man has found himself blindsided by this tactic. Don't join their number because you underestimated what your wayward wife may or may not be capable of.

Would advise you to discontinue any further direct communication with her as it will accomplish nothing. Certainly you can attempt to discuss child care and matters of divorce but she will quickly try to push the conversation in other directions. Ideally have all communications go strictly through your lawyer. He/she won't make time for or tolerate any of your wife's nonsense.

I heard of space ghost on another website and since his story sounded similar to mine I read it. The harassment telling him to give his wife a chance was on his thread, specifically around the time he said he was moving to Florida.

His story is famous on every infidelity related support board. Don't know why that's weird. As well as all the drama surrounding it

All I did was thank everyone for not doing that to me.

I assume that this is the story youe're talking about?

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/552588/thought-we-had-a-good-marriage/

Yes, his story is very similar to yours. I really don't see where he was harassed. I see one post that was deleted that really seems to have given him a hard time. It looks to me like this forum was extremely supportive of him doing what he felt was right for him, just has it has been for you.

OP- You're on the right path, but do take some time to get IC help if you havent already. It is clear that you do carry some resentment from your childhood with your mothers own infidelity, so the suggestion from others on here for you to get help with that, and your own situation is a really great idea so that as you move out of infidelity, you can heal in the best way possible.

My other suggestions would be not to call your exWW names in front of the kids. Not sure if you did or not, but it sounds like you're pretty loose on calling her a whore. Don't name call in front of your kids, and do not text her anything that would be viewed negatively by a Judge. You are going to go through a divorce, and if you call her names in text, that won't look good for you during your hearings. Just keep it cool, you are on your way out and you can leave her sorry ass behind, just don't do that stuff in front of the kids.

Thank you. I'm just moving forward with the divorce without her.