SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not to be mean but I really couldn't care less what the cheater forum thinks or what the veterans say

I don’t get that sentence and ask for clarification before I offer my suggestion on how to move on.

I’m pretty sure he means that he doesn’t care specifically about what the Waywards or the Wayward "veterans" on the Wayward forum think or have to say.

Pretty understandable as I’ve been here over 10 years and rarely ever find myself reading anything on the Wayward forum.

I don’t believe he means the entire SI Forum.

She wants to R, I want to heal. I don't feel like wasting 2-5 years of my life on an experiment to see if she fixes her immorality. This is just who she was and decided not to show it until she did this.

These are some of the exact sentiments I felt when it happened.

Believe me, it goes well beyond fixing her "immorality" as there is so much more to it - but that can only be figured out and "fixed" by her.

It’s ok and perfectly normal to feel the way you do.

You have your moral compass, values, and boundaries that you need to figure whether this is something that, even if she genuinely fixes herself, is something that you will be able to live authentically with after.

I knew I couldn’t so I ended the marriage and it was a good decision for me and my kids.

For you, that is a journey you must go through in making a decision that is best for you and your kids.

Take your time, hold fast to your values, and be honest with yourself.

Bigger (I don't know how to reply)

When I say veterans I meant in context of the post I was replying to. "Wayward" veterans or what any of them say.

All they can do is offer insight as to what my wife is feeling but at the end of the day they did is because they wanted to and must get a kick out of hurting their spouses. No matter how remorseful they are that was their mindset.
Not a club you want to be a veteran of

Just to clarify since I'm not talking about the entire site

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 10:39 PM, Sunday, March 13th]

Bigger can help you heal from this and move on or do whatever you want. He has done it for tons of others.

The people here don't work on commission. We are here because we care.

Great people with a lot of insight and experience.

However, if it was just to vent, I appreciate that and please keep venting away. People here will support you

I really do not believe that the average wayward "gets a kick out of hurting their spouse". I actually believe that is a pretty small minority of waywards that actively enjoy or delight in causing pain.

That doesn't mean you should R but I would encourage you to challenge that notion if you believe it is true of your wife. Do you have texts or audio of her mocking you? Did she say something to make you think that? Or is it your pain speaking out and it isn't really what you believe deep down?

Most waywards are extremely self absorbed during their affairs and really aren't thinking about the damage they are doing. They are only thinking about themselves at that point. It sounds like you think your wife has remorse which makes me think she was not in the minority group of waywards.

Listen to all of us here. Nekonamida had agreat post too

The problem is "waywards" makes a conscious decision to hurt the people they supposedly love. Most people over in that forum (especially the more infamous waywards) affairs would have continued way longer had they not been caught. No offense but that's how it is.

"waywards" make a conscious decision to hurt the people they supposedly love.

Very true. Spot on.

That’s what makes the trauma so devastating.

The problem is "waywards" makes a conscious decision to hurt the people they supposedly love. Most people over in that forum (especially the more infamous waywards) affairs would have continued way longer had they not been caught. No offense but that's how it is.

That's true. But I think it's usually a choice they make out of pure selfishness. It's all about them rather than having anything to do with getting a kick out of hurting the BS. The machinations that a WS goes through to justify to themselves what they're doing are all kinds of messed up. But it's much more common for them to lie to themselves about some reason why it's not hurting the BS than it is for them to actually enjoy the prospect.

We've all suffered as BSs but with your WW knowing your history and cheating anyway, it must seem like an extra twist of the knife. I'm sorry she did this to you.

First and foremost, take care of yourself. Are you in IC to help you deal with this? Focus on what you want for your life moving forward. You can be happy again if you choose that for yourself and you actively work to make it a reality.

As you know from your father's experience, you cannot stake your happiness on a WS who does not recognize the wrong of what they've done or one that is unwilling to change. The fact that your WW wants to R and is willing to make some concessions doesn't prove that she's either of those things.

I agree with others, who suggest that you proceed with D. Given your history, starting that process and having to be convinced of anything else is important to your piece of mind.

But also for your piece of mind, I would put her through the process often prescribed here. Have her write out a timeline of her affair with as much detail as you think you can stand. Then ask her any questions you may have. You don't want any unanswered questions nagging at you. If you should decide to consider R at all then it should be on the basis of what really happened.

She should also be in IC to try to understand how should could betray someone that she supposedly loved that she knew had such deep scars from your FOO experience with infidelity. She should want to understand that for herself regardless of whether you have any interest in pursuing R. There's much more to it than faulty morals. That's just a matter of how low they've set the bar they have to rationalize hurdling. The real meat of the problem is what made them decide that they wanted to do it in first place.

Again, proceed with D. It can always be stopped and even once it's done, it can be undone much more easily than the damage from a failed R.

Most people over in that forum (especially the more infamous waywards) affairs would have continued way longer had they not been caught.

This, unfortunately, is very true and ranks high in the offense of it all.

It is a minuscule percentage that ever actually confess from any semblance of conscience or guilt.

The vast majority would continue their betrayal as long as they could get away with it.

The infidelity we see here is from those vast numbers who get caught.

I shudder to think what the actual numbers would be if it included those who don’t get caught and their betrayal is kept a secret permanently from their spouse/partner.

Few of these people have the conscience, the integrity, the compassion, or any sense of character at all that would lead them to confess their betrayal.

The strongest traits they possess are an extreme state of selfishness to actually do it and a pathetic state of cowardice to blame the person they betray when they get caught.

If you don't desire to reconcile, that is your prerogative and you owe no one an explanation. You were traumatized by your mom and now your wife. Do what you have to do and follow what is right for you. Your WW knew of the trauma that you suffered but, nevertheless, decided to cheat. If that is case closed for you, so be it.

To be honest, for many of us, we don't give a flying fuck if the WW has become remorseful and a totally new woman. If we don't want to forgive and move on, so be it. I "forgave" and was miserable until my ex-WW cheated again, mercifully ending a terrible situation. Too many BSs never forget and regret staying, even with a fully reformed WS. There are those that have been able to R successfully and are happy. Good for them. But that was their choice. Most don't forgive or forget.

Now, if you change your mind, and you are allowed to do that, it can happen while the divorce is being processed. Most jurisdictions do take a significant amount of time before a divorce is final. You can even remarry if you want. But stay true to yourself and beware of blame-shifting marriage counselors. Good luck to you, go see a lawyer and do what is best for you and your children. That will require successful co-parenting. The two of you should work together in order to make it happen. Tell your WW that is the least she can do and what you want from her.

[This message edited by src9043 at 7:49 AM, Monday, March 14th]

You don’t have to R. I did. Sometimes I regret that decision sometimes I do not. You also may need to cut some people out of your life because they are toxic and cause you pain. That is a truly difficult thing to do if you love them. I had a family member I truly looked up to and loved. I had to cut them out years ago.I found out yesterday that they were dying. I felt sorry for them. But that was it. You must think of yourself and do what you must to heal. Other peoples poor choices don’t run your life. Don’t let them ruin it either. I found learning acceptance helped me. Because I didn’t have forgiveness in me. Waywards are always so shocked at the consequences of their actions. Then seem to think forgiveness is due them. Reality has a way of destroying fantasy.

What I want to tell you and what I desperately want you to know is that you have options.

This is a key factor to me. Something that can make or break a betrayed persons journey to recovery.

You don’t want to reconcile? Don’t have to. You can do whatever you want.

Only… keep in mind that your goal is to get out of infidelity. Some people can do that while reconciling, some people do that divorcing.
IMHO the only mistake is thinking you don’t have options. That you need to divorce despite wanting to reconcile. Or that you need to reconcile because you can’t divorce. What that tends to do is keep people in a marriage that is so damaged because there isn’t the commitment to work things out. To me that’s no marriage.
Like I said: you have options. If you don’t want to reconcile then start the process of divorce.

Doesn’t have to be done from a stance of hate. Despite what many claim the laws are relatively fair and are not slanted to either the husband or wife. If you two have kids then it’s for their best that maybe some years from now you and your then-ex have an amicable relationship. Not friends – not exchanging birthday gifts – but maybe so you are OK being at your kids recital with maybe your new spouse while your ex wife is there with what might be her new spouse.

I think bigger has made some excellent points, along with some of the other posters.

One thing that I think we forget is that in life, we always have options. No one can understand being on the receiving end of hearing from your spouse they are divorcing you because they’ve been unhappy for years. In my case I had no idea my husband was unhappy.

He never mentioned unhappiness. He never appeared unhappy. We still laughed and socialize together and had a good time up until the day he walked in the door and told me he was having an affair.

10 days after that is when I learned he wanted a divorce.

Despite the fact that we have happily reconciled, I can change my mind at any time and decide I just don’t want to be married anymore. I’m not unhappy and I’m not still angry with him for his affairs. But sometimes I find myself at my most happiest when I am alone.

So I think that it’s good to remind ourselves that WE HAVE OPTIONS.

keptmyword nailed it. This 100%

Jailedmind had a great point that waywards always expect to be forgiven and looked shocked when they are not. They seem to feel immune from their actions while others suffer.

OP, you are right. If many of these waywards never got caught, we would be dealing with 20 year affairs here which we do every so often.

Stop venturing off to that wayward forum. It will trigger you and you'll probably react and get banned from here. Stay here for now. It is safer here

Re: the recent posts about most waywards would continue... sadly, it's only too true.

However, it doesn't mean a wayward can't reform themselves if they are caught. And, importantly, the OP's WW confessed completely of her own accord with no external pressure to do so.

She's talking about the "fog" now which is just an excuse. I'm a grown man and she's telling me this nonsense. Unbelievable.

Trdd,

Sure they can reform but I don't really care. Having a whore wife will always be there. It's just who see was. This defines her, a murderer is still a murderer even after they repent and have remorse or whatever they do. My entire marriage was a lie since the person I loved didn't exist.

When this is done she just needs to stay with people like her while I do mine.

[This message edited by Nothere759 at 2:32 AM, Tuesday, March 15th]

yeah Trdd. Too much missing here to calculate what happened. I can't even venture a guess. I am going with the OP wants to vent and I am just going to sit back and let him have his piece.

I agree with him to end it but trying to figure out how bad this was.

That's all

She's talking about the "fog" now which is just an excuse. I'm a grown man and she's telling me this nonsense. Unbelievable.

There's no question that WSs suffer from clouded thinking. They don't want to think of themselves as bad people so they construct a whole series of lies and fantasies that they use to justify what they are doing. In a sense they brainwash themselves into believing what they want to believe to allow themselves to pursue their selfish desires. Understanding this is much more "grown man" thinking than imagining that she was twirling her mustache like Snidely Whiplash as she tied you to the tracks.

Infidelity is much more commonly the result of serious emotional defects rather than simple immorality or taking pleasure inflicting pain on a loved one.

If you really feel that your wife is an irredeemable whore, then what's the question? It doesn't matter if she wants to R. I would never suggest attempting to reconcile with an irredeemable whore. File for D, kick her out, and go NC. Done and done.

I'm not sure if you ever said whether you're in IC. Have you ever seen an IC to help you deal with the deep pain that you have over your experience with your Mom's infidelity? Because this experience is going to rip all those old wounds open and add some new ones on top of it.

I'm really sorry that she has done this to you. It's so wrong and your anger is completely justified. Please take care of yourself and get some professional help.

Nothere

You have a serious misunderstanding of what a remorseful wayward can be.
This site was founded by a wayward wife. A woman that passed away a few years ago and is deeply missed by us that had the privilege of having contact with her, but immensely more missed by her husband and co-founder of this site.
Generalizing all waywards so negatively is akin to inviting yourself to a party, drinking the hosts beers and eating his snack while bad-mouthing him and pissing in his pool.

Don't think we should take this thread into some discussions on WS, but should focus on your situation.

Like I said in my last post:
YOU HAVE OPTIONS.

If you don’t want to reconcile then divorce.
To divorce all you need is the will and the want to divorce. You don’t need hate, revenge, anger…
To HEAL you need to deal with all those factors. If you believe your best and quickest path to healing is by divorce then file. But at the same time deal with your anger, hate and resentment.

Not that it matters for your case, but I don’t think the WS makes a conscious decision to hurt the ones they love. In fact, I think a major issue is that we – the betrayed – have such a minimal role in the DECISSION. We do however have the leading role in the consequences. They cheat despite us – not because of us.