SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You need to find a punching bag to pound on!

Go to the banquet, but do not have contact with your wife or son. He will approach or not. But, someday he will reflect upon it.

You do not have to write a long email to explain anything right now. Just send him notes telling him that you love him, will never give up on a relationship with him.

This is going to be a marathon with him. Nothing needs to be rushed or forced at this time. He just needs to know you will not give up. But, you will probably have to deal with rejection and crickets from him for a while. That's ok. He is too immature to "get it" right now. Knowing that the door is never closed to you is all he needs.

You are doing great.

The reason why she said that he sucked in the sack was she wanted you to think that she was in this awesome fulfilling relationship. A match made in heaven if you will.

If she was actually in one then she wouldn't be sending out leaders like that.

She's not, and deep down she knows it.

I am not an optimist about the relationship with OM.

I give it 2 months... tops....

And listen to the song 'My Give a Damn's Busted'

by Jo Dee Messina

Will give you a chuckle.

It sucks but the three points you have to remember and deal with right now are these;

1) She's setting you up to either come back or for a Fall. Both are disasters. Keep NC and only go through your attorney in dealing with her

2) Your son may be getting trash talked by her about you but the reality is that while he's your son in spirit, he's not legally. He's closer to his Mom right now and while that's hard to hear, just look at his actions. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it with him living there. The sooner you realize this and move on (can revisit later), the less control she will have over you by using him and the less he will influence you right now. You don't need a 17 year old who has no experience in infidelity controlling your reactions to it

3) She betrayed you in one of the worst way possible. Win this divorce but also don't let it consume you. You are doing this now. Walk away, let the attorney do the talking and when the kid turns 18, ask him to dinner so you can explain your side.

Also, I know you've been advised here to make the letter as little about you and her as possible. I believe this to be bad advice (from very good posters). Whatever blanks you leave in the letter will be filled in by her. To say "we have marriage difficulties that can't be overcome" (weak language there), she will fill in with "Your father emotionally abandoned me and accused me of having affairs which I am not doing. He threatened to beat me up". The more she gets to explain with her full time access to him and the more you leave out, the more she will win. You are consumed with protecting the psyche of a young man who you may lose forever if you don't decisively tell him the truth. Noone said you need graphic details but holy shit man, tell him the fucking truth

Good job with the NC.

Don't break it.

Your silence bothers her a lot and if you talk you'll be robbed of equanimity.

The sooner she gets the D papers the better. Your resolute response to her additional unnecessary meeting with POSOM has upped your alpha maleness. Let her remember you as a guy who had the self respect to cut the rope, turn and just keep walking.

Did you used to take your step son shooting?

The band event is a tough call. Maybe you should skip it. But I suggest that you call the school counselor and tell him/her that your step son's family is breaking up and since you are not a custodial parent you can no longer be involved in his education. How many days of school left before graduation?

Staying in the NC is easy so far. I don't think I'll break it.

I did take him shooting. It was a lot of fun. Last time we went, he used my new shotgun to blow up an old computer he hated with tannerite.

I got that on video. Made me proud. He is becoming a good shot.

As for showing up to the banquet... I don't know what to do. I feel like I lose regardless of whether or not I attend.

Graduation is June 4. I don't know if I'm invited to that either.

Attend graduation. Graduation ceremonies are usually big enough that you can still attend and keep your distance. Its important that you attend. If you need tickets you should be able to call the school and explain the situation and get a ticket.

Even if your son says he doesn't want you to attend, still attend. You can always stand all the way in the back if need be.

[This message edited by Lostly at 9:02 PM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

And shit. I just realized - for the millionth time - that my very favorite gun is my Walther P99. The one I always wanted, ever since James Bond started using it in Tomorrow Never Dies.

She knew that was the gun I wanted more than any others. My dream piece. And she bought it as an anniversary present 2 anniversaries ago, as a surprise.

It should be yours. Gifts to each other and anything owned prior to the M shouldn't be divided up in the asset split.

Oh, I'm not worried about losing it.

I'm worried about the reminder of where it came from. What it represents.

The reminder will hurt for a bit, but eventually it won't.

It will simply be your favorite weapon.

k9

I sure hope so. I hate the reminders. They are everywhere. I'm not the kind of guy that buys his own clothes. She always picked them out, because I'm the type that will wear the same t-shirt until it disintegrates.

Almost every article of clothing I have was given to me by her. Often as gifts. I can't watch the tv shows I enjoy, because watching them together was our thing. I can't listen to the radio, I can't drive down the street. There are reminders everywhere I turn. How do I get past that?

After reading more... I am not in agreement with this no contact... to what end? You are already going to proceed with divorce... silence can do more damage vs being strong, calm, resolute in explaining when she asks that her infidelity comes from something breaking inside her and no other reason. You need to talk about your son and start planning an amicable agreement. It could make the divorce go faster and smoother.

You are not betraying your principles by talking about things that need be. Simply ignoring her can escalate things and make divorce more expensive even if you have a buddy who is cutting you a break.

You speak about a trap... what? A trap for what? This is not a game or some super sinister plot and as argued, to what end? She is in the fallout of the addiction that is infidelity and has no where else to turn... leave that to her, it's her issue and her problem to climb out of on her own. What could she possibly trap you in?

You mentioned your favorite firearm P99 via James Bond, well in that spirit of things act like him, resolute unwavering, but don't run and hind behind "silence."

No matter what, she is always going to be in your life, you can either make that exchange when going through the divorce and after a living hell or not. The reality is, she is the mother of your son but she does not have to be your wife. Act in that fashion.

I know you think your "silent treatment" is best to spite her, but in reality, you moving on and finding the new you, the new and improved you who can shake her off on a whim will do far more damage in her mind than hiding in silence.

I would show up whether invited or not, he is your son and caught in the middle of her toxic manipulation. This happened because you are not there. I disagree with moving out in principle until the lawyers sort that out, it works best in my experiences, but what is done is done.

As long as you are proceeding with divorce, i would be around my son as much as possible even if that means being around her. The more you hide in silence the more sh!t she can tell your son.

That's just me, my two cents... no way in hell would I for the spite of my soon to be ex not see my son as much as possible and make my point as to why life has taken a turn for a temporary hell.

[This message edited by atreides at 12:28 AM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

Well, you make a good point. I was considering that myself tonight over a beer. Why not just explain to her how jacked up she's been and move on. Who cares what she thinks or does? It's my life.

How do I get past that?

Time and separation are one of the biggest aids in getting past that.

The reminders will always be around. Nothing short of a lobotomy or amnesia will get rid of them. With time though, you'll work through the emotional reminders, they won't sting as much. One day, they'll just be memories. Nothing *I* or anyone else says will get you to that point faster than time and separation.

I guess I get that. Suppose all I can do is trudge through it and smile.

There's that old saying, sometimes I smile because I'm happy; sometimes I'm happy because I smile.

I can't watch the tv shows I enjoy, because watching them together was our thing. I can't listen to the radio, I can't drive down the street. There are reminders everywhere I turn. How do I get past that?

I have noticed this as well. I didn't realize at first why I couldn't watch any of "our" shows...I hope I can still watch The Walking Dead next October, but I fear it might just be one more thing stolen from me.

Continue detaching. A friend recently told me that time heals all wounds, but you have to give time, time.

You need to go to the graduation and banquet. Try to keep you son out of this completely. He's hurting and he's still young, and he's lashing out at you because he trusts you.

[This message edited by SheDontLookBack at 12:44 AM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

The no contact.

Here's why I've chosen the route of no contact with my WW. Anything I tell her is twisted into something completely different than what I say. My words *hurt* her. They are seen as threats or attacks towards her. I found myself in a lose/lose situation. My hope is that, given some time, hopefully her fog will clear a little and I can actually say a few words without her being offended and me being the worlds biggest asshole...

I chose no contact for myself, so I could work on *myself*, without her getting in my head. I read a line here one time -- "not only does she know how to push your buttons, she installed them!" I can't remember the poster's name, but he's right in my case. My WW mastered the art of drawing out reactions from me, reactions that only aided in her justifying her actions.

I chose no contact to protect myself from saying the "wrong" thing that may be interpreted the "wrong" way by her and cause me more grief.

What you say to your WW, can and probably will be used against you. So just be careful.

The point of no contact is not for her, it is for you!!!

If you get into a discussion about feelings with her, that what she wanst, and start tellign her what you thik she will use it as a prove of why she was rigth for looking support on OM, it will reach your kid too!!!

NC is not about going 100% dark, it is about just comunicating for D and son matters, business like.

She is trying to prove she is rigth, dont let her use you for that.

That's why I believe after she get the D papers you should be in contact with her to discuss the fast and easy way to go through it.

Is she gona be served???? When???

Once D is finished, and her affair blow on her face slapping her into reality you will have plenty of oportunity to tell her what ever you want, but being realistic you have probably moved on and wont give a shit about her

You'll have to change your inner voice's message. Make all of those reminders into just YOUR things.

Takes time and practice.

Strength

No contact=no new hurts.

Plus like Lucas said, she will take anything you say and turn it inside out to suit her goals.

The NC is to help YOU separate and find your feet through all this mess.

NC isn't to punish her, it's to help you.

k9