SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've got an image in my head now of a grow man crying over his cookies and milk! 😭 I second what drained said, we do all know how brutal this is for you.

{{{Hugs}}}

[This message edited by atalosss at 8:39 PM, October 20th (Thursday)]

Damn, I wished I'd thought of ex-Lax brownies!!! I wanted to be just nice enough to the most-important-person-in-my-life-these-last -8 years-but-was-betrayed-by -- and plump him up a bit. Or a lot.

I wanted to be just nice enough to the most-important-person-in-my-life-these-last -8 years-but-was-betrayed-by -- and plump him up a bit. Or a lot.

It was perfect TOC. You got to show him that you are still an amazing caring woman and remind him yet again that he is an idiot to even look twice at Candy. Can I suggest if you are planning to cook him anything else that you consider m&m cookies? (Or anything else with candy in it) add to his plumpness with a little dig of your own.

I am so sorry for you pain TOC.

Love your Helen Keller quote!

Wow, I have just spent the past 2.5 hours of my life reading this story. I had not seen any of it before as I don't go into the JFO forum.

I have to say I laughed, I cried, I sympathized, I got indignant and yes, it is all so surreal isn't it? I wake up every morning and think to myself, "oh fuck, that is right, we are in this situation again".  BTW, I always used the F word in my life, but it has become my new favorite word.

The people on here, all of you, are so amazing. TOC, I think you are my new hero. Isn't it amazing how you came here to get support, and in the time period, you have not only received the support needed, but that you are providing support and strength to others while going through a living hell.

Some people Rock!

I think you should go strict NC and taking the time to bake his favorite cookies was a big slip. So sorry you let him have a crumb of hope (so to speak).

I agree with the previous poster. I have been following your story from the beginning and you have done nearly everything right so that's OK but I think strict NC is the way to go.

You don't want to give him any false hope or mixed messages. He needs to know, unequivocally, that you have fully accepted his decision to end the marriage and are not looking back.

Best of luck to you. You are a strong woman of conviction and there is a good man out there for you if and when you are ready to date again.

I want to be supportive, understanding and encouraging to anyone who has been through the pain and trauma of betrayal and infidelity. You have marched forward quickly with strength and certainty. You are better than childish revenge, TOC. Stay focused.

My jaw dropped when I read about the bicycle accident. Another similar element in our sagas, TOC: discovering electronic evidence, getting the drop on our cheating spouses, the people they cheated with having porn-star names, and now a bike accident that lays up the cheating spouse.

Of course, my story started with a bike accident - that's what led to the discovery of the cheating.

I urge you not to get too sympathetic, and beware of him using it to bring you around. Maintain the emotional distance.

BeeBee64 - I have kept up with your situation and hope you are finding the strength you need to power on. Your wife doesn't deserve you!

I actually didn't think sending cookies was going to be in anyway interpreted by my WH as any kind of ray of hope. If anything it sent the message that he shouldn't expect me to show up if my first (and only) gesture was to send him a get well card. He knows I'm the old school/miss manners type - always show up at someone's house with a hostess gift, always send thank you cards and get well wishes, etc. I'll always be who I am.

Feeling sorry for myself today as I spent the weekend looking for a place to live. The heart is just not into it. I'm finding it very hard to be motivated but with only a little over a week left here at my healing bungalow, this is a matter of some urgency now.

I know he's laid up with a busted leg right now but seriously pissed at him today for putting me in this position. He should be the one inconvenienced but I'm the one paying the biggest price for his stupid infidelity. Life is not fair!

I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

No you're right, at times it's not fair! Keep moving forward with healthy breaks in between, buy a book you want to read or treat yourself to a massage. I can't imagine how hard it is to look for an apartment in this frame of mind just keep plodding on. You'll find something.

I didn't find my strength until five months after dday, you've done amazingly well but cut yourself some slack, this is not easy for you at all. Your world has been ripped to shreds by the one person who was supposed to protect you.

I've noticed one interesting thing in your post and in many other posts that I can easily relate to, having a spouse who was very vocal, adamant and morally aghast to the notion of infidelity. It's so confusing to have someone who despises cheaters cheat on you! Even though I'm R, largely for the sake of my young kids, I have decided for my own mental health that this question can never truthfully be answered. So ive decided for my own sanity that It was an internal dialogue within my h and some ego kibbles from a batshit crazy ow and that I couldn't have change the outcome in anyway as I could not control his choices.

Good look with the apartment search today. Keep journalling and venting here. We are all here for you. 💕

[This message edited by atalosss at 6:10 AM, October 24th (Monday)]

Why isn't he the one moving out? He's the one who screwed up. If this was explained earlier in the thread, I missed it.

Thanks for the words of support TOC. Good luck with your difficult tasks this week.

IIRC she said earlier in the thread that she moved into his house when they married. Whether community property laws in their state have made it partly here's or not is a good question, though. And I believe that a pre nup could alter that, but I don't think that we've heard of such between them.

Yes, BeeBee, Devotedman is correct. Home is his, free and clear. I moved in to his home after we married. It made sense as he owns it free and clear and it is not far from my office and in an area I like. I was happy to move into it but while we had no prenup, we always agreed that what was mine was mine and what was his was his. I have no intention of not honoring that agreement. We will split what we bought together - boat, RV, some new furnishings, etc. The house is his so I will spend this week finding a new place but also know that he and I must speak soon as I need to discuss removing furnishings, etc, for my new place, wherever that may be. I took nothing but clothing, toiletries and my dog, along with a few pics, when I moved out. I stored some things at my daughter's house but I still have furniture, etc, at his house.

I can't exactly ask him to leave the house while I do this since he is convalescing. Turns out his injury required surgery to repair the damage to his leg so I'm sure he's pretty uncomfortable and not exactly ambulatory right now. I'm not afraid to see him. I just wish I didn't have to. I will ask if there is anyway he didn't have to be there but I won't make him leave the house. We can be civil. I know I can.

I miss what we had but I don't want it back after what he has done. I'll get through this. What else can I do?

Hi TurnOtherCheek, I've just read your whole thread and found just reading it nerve wracking and emotional - I can't imagine the toll on you living it in such quick succession.

You've decided to move on and that's 100% your right to feel that way but for what it's worth (and it may help you going forward) I do think your husband has become remorseful. The last phone call between you struck me as him being as genuinely concerned about what he had done to you personally, as he was about what he's lost.

He did seem to take the full blame for the affair - not trying to pass it off onto the dog (sitter!) ...(sorry I couldn't help that!)...and although he played the victim about her being in your house - and wanting to see him the night you left - overall I think he took the full blame for his own actions. I do believe the fog has cleared for him regarding her, and the affair. I do think he sees it all for what it was now.

There's no point really to this post except to say how sad I am for you. It seemed like you had a really good life going on between you and he's unilaterally ruined it for the both of you. At least, (imo) he now realises the enormity of what he's thrown away.

He's swapped a good wife and plans for a happy future for a bucket load of shame and regret. It's sad for him that he seems to have realised all of this too late - because this really is a deal breaker for you. But that's the chance he took when he chose to deceive you.

I'm just sad for you - and even for him too (although I know I shouldn't be) - it's just such a waste. He's lost a good woman in you and I think he knows it now.

I'm sorry for your pain and I wish you well in your future going forward (((TOC)))

I admire you so much. I hope you realize you do not have to see him or go there unless YOU want to. Photos, phone, Skpe, friends and family should suffice for removing furniture. Don't lie to yourself, tough love & huge hugs. What a jerk: he doesn't deserve to lay eyes on you for a long time. ❤️

Thanks, Sins and Katie for such nice words. Some days are easier than others. Today I had a major dental appt that I had been dreading since I made it so overall, it was a much better day than recent ones...for reals!

I reached out to STBXH by email. Told him I would soon be moving into a place and would need things so we needed to get to splitting things up. I was nice. I told him I hoped he wasn't in too much pain and hoped that he heals quickly. I asked him to send me a couple of days/times when it would be OK for me to come by to sort through things.

A friend suggested I take stickers with me to the house and simply place a sticker on things I wanted to take. That way he could go through later and consider my requests and we could then discuss any items we might both want. That sounded pretty reasonable to me so I told him I just wanted to come over and go through it from a high-level, first pass perspective and do this. I mentioned it was much easier for me do without him there but I would understand if he didn't want me there alone and it might be tough for him to get out of the house under his current circumstances. But based on having to move right away, I really had to get this done soon so asked if we could schedule some time soon to do this.

He wrote back that it was pretty rough time for him with everything going on. He wasn't doing so well, was medicated, could barely get around and definitely not really thinking very clearly. It was pretty hard going through this basically alone so he called his doc who told him he might want to consider a post-op live-in care facility. Turns out it's included in his insurance so long as his doc recommends it, which he does. So now he plans to leave the house to get some care and therapy and that I am welcome to come to the house at any time and take whatever I need. He wrote it was silly that I should worry about how he felt about me being at his house alone. He thinks of it as our house and he trusts me. He's sorry I can't trust him.

It sounds like we will be able to be completely civil so I'm grateful for that. Now, I just need to find a place to live. Details, details.

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 11:36 PM, October 24th (Monday)]

This is probably a dumb question but can you stay at your old home (maybe with his dog too?) while he is at the care place? Buy yourself some more time to find something? Or is that too triggerish/a step backwards for you?

Sorry I am having a really tough day and that is either a brilliant suggestion or the worst idea ever.....

[This message edited by HardyRose at 11:55 PM, October 24th (Monday)]

(((TOC))). I am glad he is being reasonable and not being an ass about you getting your things. It is best to be civil if you can. It is a real shame that he put himself in this position. Does he not have relatives or kids to help him while he is laid up?

I do think the fog is lifting and he sees what he gave up for a cheap thrill. That however does not change what he did or the fact that he is still a mentally broken man. Who knows if he will ever get the help to fix himself??

I guess I could have made more sense out of all of this if we had been having a bad marriage. Like you that was not the case. XWH#2 did it because he could and he thought he would get by with it. Then once he was involved, OW took it seriously and he couldn't just stop it or she threatened to tell me. Of course that doesn't explain why he kept going back after DDay#1. I say it was because I didn't go through with the D and he had no consequences and thought I would just let him continue to rug sweep everything.

It makes it hard to let go when they are being nice. Just keep it in mind that he is still trying to do damage control and has not fully owned his shit. He has not went to IC or gave you any indication he is trying to fix his issues. He is still using the pity party card with the he has no one to help him so he has to go into rehab.

Once you get your things, you really need to work on going NC so you can detach yourself from this toxic situation. To keep in contact will only confuse and hurt you more and delay your healing.

HardyRose -

Not gonna lie - I thought about Buck, his/our dog, but in the context of "oh crap, I sure hope the OW isn't who he calls to care for him." Sadly, I am not really in a position to take him, too. I certainly would NOT feel comfortable moving back, even temporarily, while STBXH is in the care facility but I do want to offer to take care of our dog. I'll see if he has made arrangements for him and if not, I know my daughter would be willing to let him stay at her house where she has room for him. Damn, I do miss Buck! I hate that I can't see him everyday, too.

TrustGone - it's all so senseless. So destructive. So cruel. It'll never make sense. At least not to me. I have no idea where STBXH will go from here but it certainly seems like he has other things he needs to think about now - like healing. I read depression in his email. Very glum. Certainly not my issue to manage but since he's medicated, I'm not sure if it's just that he's dealing with, along with real physical pain and isolation. He really has only his son and DIL but they live out of state. His parents have passed away. The rest of the family is extended family and not ones he would reach out to. He has friends but I just really think he is struggling at the moment, probably less about us and more about his physical limitations. Who knows, he may also be struggling with his break up with OW. Maybe all too much, all at once.

I can't help but feel bad but again....his mess.