SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Shit!!! That's just awful!

Write the Yelp review, this woman is so toxic and untrustworthy.

H and I had similar experiences with ow. In our case we didn't block her after nc letter bc she started issuing threats. She was so stupid and clearly believed that h would keep all her emails and texts a secret. He didn't and forwarded them all to me. I ended up writing her a scathing nc letter after we had enough written threats and I referenced many quotes from her emails.

Possibly your wh didn't block her so that he could keep her as an option open or maybe as proof to you that he wasn't responding to those texts. Who knows.

I'm sorry that he fell ill but I've never heard of an aneurism changing behaviour so I think the infidelity was a controlled selfish choice. There are quite a few knowledgeable nurses on this site and hopefully they'll way in. If he wasn't in rehab he would have dealt with this on his own and may not have caught it in time. Hopefully this is a wake up call for him.

Biggest {{{hugs}}}

At least now you can tell him those were his responses to the OW rather than yours, he will never know the difference!!!

In one way or another what goes around comes around. Just make sure you don't stay with him out of sympathy or pity in the future.

Good Luck

((((TOC))))

This roller coaster just keeps throwing you around doesn't it.

The OW slept with your husband. Pretending to be him for a text conversation doesn't even rate on the scale of concerning behaviours.

I am sorry that your WH is having health problems. I hope he recovers soon.

Make sure you are comfortable with the interactions that you have with him from now on. Maybe you won't be ok with complete NC for a little while and that is ok. Give yourself a break and aim for low healthy for you contact. You care about him and checking that he is ok after brain surgery isn't recommitting to him. Just like his health problems don't cancel out th fact that he cheated on you with candy (I am assuming since she can't use capitals her name doesn't need one).

Oh and while we are talking about candy with a little c.... WTF is with her response to the text I love my wife????? things I dont need to know???? So it is ok to be with your husband if she doesn't know he loves you????

So it is ok to be with your husband if she doesn't know he loves you????

Yes, because to skanks, that falls in the category of TMI.

Yes, because to skanks, that falls in the category of TMI.

Thanks for clearing that up for me Chicky.

You're Welecome.

TOC

I have been following your story and I’m so sorry for what you have been going through.

I certainly don’t want to cause you more pain or confusion but I do want to point out the fact that a brain aneurysm can easily affect a person’s behavior and personality. I would urge you to research this and to meet with his doctor to discuss whether the aneurysm may have contributed to his wayward actions. While even WH agrees that he knew what he was doing was wrong that doesn’t mean that he had the ability to change his actions.

The brain is very complex organ. Several years ago a client called me for a consultation. I had known him and his wife for over 10 years and knew them to be very stable and a loving couple. He told me that his wife had suddenly developed a gambling compulsion. In a matter of four months she had gone through more than $100,000 of their savings. When he first discovered what was happening he confronted her and she was very remorseful. She swore she would stop gambling and yet she kept going back to the casinos. In desperation he took her car keys from her and she once again swore she would stop and hated what she had done to their financial position. He left the house for a quick run to the grocery store and she called a cab to drive her 60 miles to the nearest casino. It turns out that she had started a new medication a few weeks prior to developing gambling fever. He later found out that one of the side effects of the medication was compulsive behavior and that compulsive gambling headed the list. Long story short, she discontinued the medication and the desire to gamble disappeared completely. She later related to me that while she knew what she was doing was wrong she just couldn’t seem to stop herself.

The bulging from a brain aneurysm creates pressure on that portion of the brain. His surgeon may be able to give you some guidance as to whether the location of the aneurysm could have been a factor in his cheating.

[This message edited by 40YOSL at 11:17 PM, October 28th (Friday)]

I also went through something that affected behavior. I had a tumor on my thyroid gland that caused me to become hyperthyroid where I had been hypothyroid all my life and required medication to treat the hypothyroidism. Untreated, the hypothyroidism caused me to feel tired and depressed. I was used to have little to no energy. We had no idea that I had become hyperthyroid but I suddenly couldn't stop moving. I burned out the motor in a treadmill in a couple months, lost a ton of weight, talked a mile a minute, and started partying and drinking like a teenager (I have never been a drinker). I moved out of my house and in with a gay friend and started hitting the bars with him. Once the tumor was found and removed, I was like my old self again. I didn't even recognize the person I was while hyperthyroid. Apparently, it was similar to the manic phase bipolar people suffer. My husband said it was like I had been replaced by a completely different person. And even though I can remember it all, it feels like it was someone else's thoughts and actions.

I agree that you should ask the doctor if the aneurysm's pressure on his brain could have affected his behavior for the last several months or if it was more likely a result of the accident. If his behavior was completely uncharacteristic, a medical component could be involved. I know it won't make the pain go away and you still have every right to do what you want to do.

I am not a doctor but if the aneurism was affecting his behaviour would he still feel the need to lie about it? He knew it wasnt good when Bob caught him with candy (with a little c), he knew what he was doing was wrong because he lied to TOC again and again and planned around her work trips. So can it be blamed on the aneurism?

[This message edited by HardyRose at 1:18 AM, October 29th (Saturday)]

There's a possibility that TOC’s partner's personality, behavior and judgment was affected by the aneurysm. It would be a good idea, if TOC wishes to explore this, to have a discussion with a good neurologist and neurosurgeon.

I have a developing aneurysm, not yet big enough to require surgical intervention but I do have mood, and behavior changes or urges, albeit transient, that make me think that her partner’s behavior might have been adversely affected as his aneurysm grew.

Depending on where the aneurysm is located it would be informative to involve an endocrinologist in any discussion.

So sorry your troubles seem to be piling on. I hope your WH makes a full and speedy recovery.

Side note: Your WH picked a real winner. If those texts are evidence of her intelligence/ conversational skills, they are the polar opposite of your abilities. e e cummings, she is not. Wtf was he thinking?

I am not a doctor but if the aneurism was affecting his behaviour would he still feel the need to lie about it? He knew it wasnt good when Bob caught him with candy (with a little c), he knew what he was doing was wrong because he lied to TOC again and again and planned around her work trips. So can it be blamed on the aneurism?

I think it could if it was affecting his impulse control. He'd still know it was wrong, and still try to hide it, but wouldn't be able to resist it in the moment.

Who knows though? It could just be a handy excuse. It could have only just happened as a result of the accident.... Or... it could be real phenomenon that did happen over a few months and did affect his decision making and behaviour.

TOC, if you want to leave no stone unturned you could ask his doctors, but that really depends whether the answer would make a difference to you. If it were me, I think I'd have to.

What a horrible few days for you!

There's been a lot of varied responses to your latest update, all good food for thought in my opinion. Your WH certainly had a close call. How do you feel about that?

TOC,

All these new stressors on top of your husband's infidelity! Your body and mind must be reeling. Once you are settled in your new place you'll be able to reestablish your routine of self care.

The medical community is best equipped to care for your husband while in the hospital and at home. The social workers at the hospital are the experts at arranging for the necessary in home care, rehabilitative services, visiting nurses and transportation services. It's almost a certainty that he will go to a rehab facility once released from the hospital. His son's presence will provide him a measure of emotional comfort.

Hope you are able to establish your new place and come to see it as your home, albeit temporary. Surrounded by your favorite familiar things that bring you comfort. A sanctuary you look forward coming to, greeted enthusiastically by Bella. What we do without our pets?

I've read about you (and friends?) posting a review on Yelp as a natural consequence of her actions. The Yelp terms of service (TOS) allow the use of a pseudonym to protect your privacy.

Is it just that she is untrustworthy inside a client's home? Or is it that she developed an inappropriate personal relationship with a family member while hired for dog walking?

Channel the Level Headed TOC...she'll come up with the right language for the Yelp review that meet the TOS content guidelines and provide the consequence for her unethical behavior within the context of her business (understanding that the pain she inflicted goes well beyond "business ethics").

Let me tell you that you are SO MUCH NICER than I am.

When I heard that my cheating ex had a major heart attack - my very first spontaneous thought was "oh too bad he didn't die."

Yes that is bad - but I have to admit that's how I felt. Of course our break up was years ago and he stalked and harassed me for years. So in my mind his being dead would remove someone who had been horrible to me for decades.

As for the texting with OW - mean old me would have probably sent her a text telling her about his problems and sent her to the hospital. Let her take care of him.

But now that I am an old lady I don't care when I offend assholes.

SI Family - thanks for all the info on STBXH's condition and possible affect on his behavior, insinuating that perhaps this contributed to his poor decision-making for having his affair. If I get a chance, I'll ask his neurosurgeon if that's possible but it's likely I won't get the chance. I have decided to keep my distance. There's a lot going on with my move and work and I really don't want to give him false hope. Being his caretaker is not good for me and probably not good for him, either. He will spend some time in a post-op care facility and they will be there for him 24/7. That's what he needs now.

I keep coming here and reading other stories about R, D or S and the stories and comments that resonant the most with me are those who stayed and still wonder years later if they hadn't been better off to leave - or even worse, wished they had left. I know we are all different. I know we all have different levels of forgiveness, different depths of love for our WSs, different issues with our own selves to overcome, families and finances to think about. All contribute to what we will accept, how hard we are willing to work and how easily we might be able to forgive. These stories about regret for staying absolutely cut me to the core. I know that can't be me. The truth is I do not and will never again feel safe from betrayal from my WH in the future and while nothing is guaranteed, it's something I know I absolutely need out of my relationship.

I thought I picked the best possible person to be my life partner. I worked hard at being the best possible mother to my children and stepmother to his son, the best wife and a best friend to him and just the best person I could be. I can certainly do better in many areas but I know I'm not the miserable, nagging, depressed, sexless wife. And even if I was, I still deserved to have him leave me before he deceived me.

I keep myself in shape. I work hard to plan fun for us. I am frugal/smart with finances, I work hard so I would never have to rely on someone other than myself and he respected me for that. I am generous, involved in my community, a good friend, neighbor, employee. We laughed...a lot. He told me often he was proud of me. Proud I was his wife. He told me I was beautiful. He said I was sexy. He always told me he loved me. I did the very best I could.

Yet even with all that, I was still not enough for him. He needed the attention, the touch and the feel of another woman. He needed to fill his needs elsewhere, have his ego stroked by more than just me. He needed a different kind of love and sex, one I could not provide. There is nothing I can possibly do to ever change that and even if he tells me otherwise, his actions will always remind me that however he wants to justify it or explain it to me, it just isn't true. He can't be trusted, his words or actions. I will never be good enough. I will never be nice enough. I will never be thoughtful enough. I will never be smart enough. I will never be sexy enough. I will never be beautiful enough. I will never be young enough. FOR HIM.

For me? I am all those things and more. I am enough. Not for him. But I am enough for me and that's all I need in my life.

So, I'm following through and divorcing my WS. I'm taking the lesson(s) I can from all this and putting them in my "life experiences" basket and will use them to help frame my view of the world going forward as a single woman. I won't allow it to make me bitter. I won't use it to judge other people who have never had a chance to prove to me who they are. But I will tread more cautiously as I move through life and I will remember that people will disappoint and betray me and somehow I will find a way to survive it and I'll be OK. That's just who I am.

Onward and upward.

Wow. What an amazing post. You've really got it together TOC. What a stupid man your husband was to lose a woman like you. I wish you all the best going forward. Onwards and upwards!

Wow that was so eloquent. I wish I was in a similar position. I am trying to do what you did stick to my principles and get out of my infidelity riddled M but throw in younger kids and no job and it is so much harder.

I will use your words as inspiration TOC. Good luck with your healing, as I know behind the tough stance, how much this still hurts us all.

I was still not enough for him.

No Sweetie, HE was not enough. This is all him and had nothing to do with you.

Toc--Wow. Your words and thoughts about "being enough" really resonated with me.

Thank you for sharing your story and strength.