SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Awww TOC.

I'll chime in on the sincere side. And the "what a waste" side.

So sad for you both. Although this is totally his fault and he caused this through completely avoidable mistakes, he has to live with that. What regret! You have pain in spades but you can hold your head up as having lived with dignity and integrity.

Hugs to you.

I am now sitting here crying after reading that letter. I am not new at this...it's been 5 years but yet I still feel so very sorry for the bad choices he made that will forever impact both of your lives. What an effing waste of love. May you find peace as you move on.

struggling - not gonna lie. I've cried a few times over his message to me. It's a tough day. So incredibly sad. It's just a tough, tough day. I have not reached out to him. Instead I come here and try to get by through posting here. It helps. It really does help.

stay strong TOC! sending hugs

I echo the statement of trebowri, I would have been overjoyed to get a letter or email such as the one you received TOC. It would really have helped me if I thought my WH understood or was trying to understand what I was going through.

I wish you well, just remember that your choices are your own. You don't have to justify them to anyone :)

I, too, believe the letter is sincerely remorseful. The wayward has to live with having been the perpetrator of immense suffering to someone he/she loves whether there is reconciliation or divorce. While the betrayed hurts, he or she also knows that the pain is undeserved. The wayward knows that he or she has no one to blame but him or herself for the pain and loss. That cannot be an easy pain to bear. Your wayward will suffer for this for far longer than he realized when he committed the offenses. He is, unfortunately, stuck with himself. I don't know how one heals from pain inflicted on oneself but I am sure that it must be a very long and painful recovery- much, much longer than brain surgery or broken limbs take to recover from.

Just throwing this out there TOC. Your choices are just that. YOUR choices. Just because you are (rightfully) praised for the way you have dealt with this so far - don't ever feel you have to dance to the beat of any drum but your own. If you carry straight on through to divorce or you change your mind and are not so sure - your choices are your own and you will always have support here for them no matter what they are. You've had a hard day, be gentle with yourself.

Just throwing this out there TOC. Your choices are just that. YOUR choices. Just because you are (rightfully) praised for the way you have dealt with this so far - don't ever feel you have to dance to the beat of any drum but your own. If you carry straight on through to divorce or you change your mind and are not so sure - your choices are your own and you will always have support here for them no matter what they are. You've had a hard day, be gentle with yourself.

If this is a dealbreaker for you. Then I recomend you go NC.

I had to for my own sanity.

You really did a great job from the start. Now keep going.

I admire your strength.

Take good care of yourself and keep us updated.

Thanks TOC.

I am sorry you are going through this.

I think the way you have gone about this is the best way to handle it, and I do think your WH is remorseful. I don't think he is having a pity party but is truly remorseful. Now if you had a good marriage before this, I think reconciliation is something to consider.

Just because you always said it was a dealbreaker doesn't mean you have to divorce. I think you have proved to him you won't put up with this.

If you have no desire to reconcile, then forgive me and I wish you the best. But I do think if he is willing to do the work, you have a better chance with him than someone new.

Good luck.

TOC,

I could feel the soulful pain in his letter. It was so sincere and it broke my heart to read it. I can only imagine what it did to you.

You are still in the early stages of D Day, so your emotions are going to run the gamete. Heck, I'm four months out and I am still a wreck. No matter what you decide, just know you handled this whole shitty situation like a champ. I only wish I would have read your thread before my D Day. You inspired me to handle things much differently.

I do apologize if my earlier post was offensive. It's just that I've not seen anything in your posts, TOC, to explain why he was in the park being chummy with the dog walker when he was paying her to walk the dog. Of course, that doesn't mean he can't be sincere now. We only see a small piece of the picture after all.

TOC,

You are a wise, kind, compassionate woman. You are not only incredibly smart, but you also have an emotional intelligence that is off the charts.

That being so, I think you can trust yourself to be doing the right thing. In my opinion, the thinking and feeling you've put into every choice before you has been extensive and I would guess very painful. But you've gone on asking the good questions, however difficult. It's because of this- it's no accident- that you've chosen wisely for yourself and consistently done right by others. For that reason, I think you can trust yourself that you chose and will choose the best course.

FWIW, I agree with you that this last letter from him shows he's turned a corner. He's getting it. He's actually probably beginning to acknowledge your pain and put it ahead of his own wants and his own sense of loss. He's abandoning what I saw as his earlier cockiness, and also the later panicked, borderline-ridiculous gestures such as offering to buy you a house.

All this is good for him, TOC- it means he'll approach the next bend in his life with more care and compassion. I'm heartbroken for you, but now I'm also beginning for the first time to be sad for him that he deliberately did such a stupid destructive thing. But I'm glad that he's learning. It means his future could be healthier. But it was done at your expense, and it does NOT mean that his future is with you. IMO

In terms of growth, I think the person who learnt least and might never learn is La Candida (I hope that's not too mean a name for her). I'm a few years older than you, and it makes me very sad to see young woman her age still holding on to the view that it's women's work to tend to, serve and soothe men. That was the subtext IMO in that email she sent you- that both of you should woman up and conspire to do what's best for him. aiyaiyai- really shaking my head. Oh well....maybe she too will learn at some point. I can't bring myself to care too much that she hasn't, however.

I do care about you and hope fervently that your healing continues well. Thanks for updating.

Chamomile Tea (my fave tea!):

I've not seen anything in your posts, TOC, to explain why he was in the park being chummy with the dog walker when he was paying her to walk the dog.

She was not paid to walk our dogs while we were in town. We hired her to pet sit for us as we traveled. While home, we managed the pets ourselves. We would on occasion run into her at the local dog park. He evidently ran into her much more than I did.

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 8:24 AM, November 16th (Wednesday)]

He evidently ran into her much than I did.

...and in places less public than the dog park.

I would give him another chance.

Well, I suppose I say that because that's what I did. I received a similar letter from my WH in 2007. My gut instinct told me it was sincere. I pondered deeply - what if the roles had been reversed? What if I had made 1 truly bad decision in my life...what I want from him? What kind of person had he been up until the A? Did he deserve a second chance?

I gave him that chance, but for years I had one foot out the door... just in case. But that was nearly 10 years ago, and he really has lived up to his promises. We are living a really good life now. Sometimes, if the basics are good, it's worth hanging on there.

I'm curious about one thing - you said you humilated yourself with your ex, doing the pick-me dance. How do you feel now? He's behaving differently to the ex - but are you punishing him because of how your ex behaved? I'm just wondering because he seems truly remorseful and you seem to still love him.

Walking away is good too, if this is a deal breaker. As previous posters have said, the choices are yours to make. Strength in whatever you do.

ScubaGirl

but are you punishing him because of how your ex behaved?

No, I'm leaving him, whether that's punishment or not, for his behavior and total mistreatment of our marriage. I have the fortitude to handle it as I am from previous experience. He knew this going in.

Always great answers from you , TOC. You know yourself and have learned your lessons the hard way. Keep being true to yourself. Many of us are in awe of your decisiveness and strength. You have empowered yourself and I respect you deeply.

I also do feel sadness for him for his absolute stupidity. He obviously had a marvelous woman in you. He was a fool. That I do pity. He will also have to learn his own lessons the hard way.

Keep on keepin' on. You inspire many! Onward and upward.

Turn,

I just found this site and your story. I too am a BW. Actually, our stories are very similar. I actually found out about the A on the same day as you! To say we've been through Hell is an UNDERSTATEMENT!! I'm still in the shit storm 2 months later not knowing which road to take. I'll post my story soon and pray I can get as much comfort and support as you. You are my hero right now. I'm only up to page 8 of 50 of your thread, but I'm so inspired by your strength. I'm really in a constant state of turmoil and finding this site and you has been such a blessing. Thank you for sharing and I'll keep reading your story. I hate that you or any if us on here are going through this. Stay strong and best of luck!

No, I'm leaving him, whether that's punishment or not, for his behavior and total mistreatment of our marriage. I have the fortitude to handle it as I am from previous experience. He knew this going in.

TOC - I have to chime in here and let you know that I admire your conviction.

I wish I had found SI at Dday - I found it about a month later. I made mistakes I wish that I didn't - the biggest one was agreeing to counseling before NC was established (a month later). I'm now a year from Dday and "in the process" of reconciling (I haven't made any long term promises aside from being committed to trying) but I question it every day. Even though my FWH is doing everything he can, I wish I had allowed myself more time to heal and decide what is right for me before allowing him to move back in.

You're right - you do have the fortitude and you will be fine. I wish you all of the best in your future - whatever you decide it will be. (((TOC)))