SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh, TOC, I really feel for you. It's so unbelievably sad and painful that it's all come to pass in this way. I also think that your STBXH is unconsciously manipulating you with this accident, just as he was unconsciously trying to get caught by "inadvertently" sending you the revealing text. I agree with TG that he really, one way or the other, needs to get to grips with what he's done and why--IC in this instance is the only way for him to figure out what was going on with him in all of this--and yes, he probably is depressed. Who wouldn't be?? It's really hard to watch the ones that we love in a freefall of terrible consequences, even if we also suffered as a result. There's no switch that just ends the love. But you've done this before, and you know that one day you won't love him. You're just not there yet.

But, it's not your circus. I think it's the right call to not move back in to his place, as difficult as it is to motivate to find something of your own, you'll be much better off. I don't have anything to add other then, it totally sucks that you (and me) fell in love with someone who has a self-destructive impulse. And then acted on it. ((())))

I was having a pretty good week all in all, under all the shitty circumstances. Making progress on new home search, had a reasonable exchange with STBXH earlier in the week and just getting through from one day to the next. I felt like Mary Tyler Moore - "she's gonna make it after all." (Showing my age, I know.)

Today was not one of those days. Today, or now yesterday, sucked sucked sucked. I have to unload so I'm back. I was feeling pretty good about not having to vent much this week and now here I am.

STBXH is now in a rehab-physical therapy facility, or was, but more on that later. He emails me this to let me know I can stop by house whenever to do whatever I need to do. Let's me know our dog, Buck is still there but wants to be sure I know he has arranged for his care with a friend of ours - wants to be sure I know OW is not who is taking care of him. I'm happy I'll get to see the old boy and so head over and take Bella with me so she can see her buddy.

In the house earlier today - it feels so weird to be back. STBXH not the neatest and also not ambulatory so place now looks like a bachelor is living there which hurts a bit. I actually start picking up around the house after loving on our dog for a long while. By the way, dishes of skittles still adorn the house!

It is fucking hard and emotional to go through your house and start divvying it up. So hard, I get emotional and have a tough time. It's not easy knowing what I should take or leave, what might work or not in a new place, etc, etc so I start with choosing the bedroom set I'll take and then tagging that furniture that was always mine. I'm going into a much smaller place so I have to be mindful that I don't need all that much but I do want to have the basics.

I take a break and check work emails on my phone since I took the day off to get things done since I basically have to move this weekend. I have an email from STBXH from earlier in the day.

"Hey TOC, I lost my phone or I left it at home, not sure which and can't remember where I saw it last. When you stop by, if you see it, can you email me back so I know it's not lost. I hate I put you through this. I feel like crap all around - both physically and emotionally. I'm sorry."

Big sigh....

I haven't seen his phone but I haven't been looking for it either so I scan for it. Don't see it so I call it. Don't hear it so assume he lost it elsewhere though it goes right into VM so maybe it's shut off. Who knows, not my problem. I go about my business and start in other rooms to identify things to take- one for me, one for him. One for me, one for him. He can keep that. I'll take this. This tagging with stickers like my friend suggested works and makes it easier but I'll be going through eventually and making a real list because it will need to go into the D settlement paperwork. See? Look how organized I am!

I go into our former bedroom and start packing some things in a suitcase I still have there. And there it is. His phone, slightly under the (un-made) bed, a bit hidden by the comforter. I pick it up and see it's off so plug it in the charger. That little battery light lights up and indicates battery is dead. Being nice like I am, I send email to STBX to let him know and that battery was dead so I left it on his charger on the vanity in the bathroom.

And I go about my business - checking closet for any possible missed items, looking at lamps, night stands, shoe racks, pictures, etc. Can you tell? Heart is not really in it. As I'm in the bathroom, that notification that the phone is charged enough now it can power up happens, and the phone powers up. I think you know where this is going....but you really don't....but you might. We'll see.

As is known to happen, once power comes onto a phone, notifications start coming in, too. I know the notification sounds for his phone. Email. Texts. News alerts, etc. He has all of them. My curiosity is piqued and gets the best of me....damnit! I look and...

Texts: Series of texts over about 4 days, as far back as any texts from this number (hers!) goes. (Note: WH in rehab place for 2 days at this point.)

OW: hi. just want to say hi (she doesn't use caps - how irritating)

(WH: crickets...as in no reply...ever... to any of her texts)

OW:

OW: i miss u. i miss us

OW: is there no way we can talk?

OW: i wish you wouldn't just ignore me

OW: ut? ruff day 4 me (how cute are her abbreviations?)

OW: .....

So, as I am sitting there looking at this string of texts from her over 4 days, which by the way shows only her phone number, not her name-and that number is branded in my brain, an effin text comes in from her!

OW: maybe she's around and you can't talk?

WTF!!!!! Is she driving by? Does she see my car here? I am livid! Beyond belief. So livid, I'm stupid and reply!!!!!

WH/Me: ???

OW: OMG!! HI!!!!! (this from one who uses no caps!)

Now I'm shaking. I'm pissed and then nervous because WTH? I am using WH phone and texting with his OW -- so many violations on so many levels I can't grasp what's happening. So I put the phone back down on the charger and I walk away.

I call my BFF and tell her what I've done. I read her the texts. I tell her how pissed I am they are still in touch. Then she reminds me OW is in touch, nothing suggests WH is in touch since there are never any replies to her. Then I tell her how pissed I am WH hasn't blocked her. She agrees. Total asshole for not blocking her. She tells me I should block her since I have the phone. I remind her it doesn't matter. She tells me to do it just to fuck with their destiny, if they have one. I think that's a pretty good idea. Then she tells me I should fuck with OW a bit and let her think it's WH and see what she says. I think this is a really bad idea but I'm a scorned woman after all so with friend's assistance and prodding, I put her on speaker phone and pick up his phone and...

WH/ME: Hi

OW: can we talk?

WH: ???

OW: on phone?

WH: no

OW: oh. ok. u ok?

WH: eh

OW: i've been going crazy wondering how u r. u could at least let me know ur ok

WH: bad idea but i'll be ok

(at this point BFF says I should tell her "I love my wife." So....)

WH: I love my wife!

OW: things i didn't need 2 know

WH: but true

OW: how mad is she?

WH: not having this conversation with you

OW: ok. i just really miss you. im sry. can't help it. think about you all the time. hoping you miss me too

( )

At this point I can think of nothing to say though BFF wants me to try to get her to talk more but I don't. So.....

WH/ME: Gotta go. Please stop texting me.

OW: pls talk 2 me

WH: about?

OW: i just miss my friend. we had so much fun. right?

WH: it was wrong!

OW: why so cold?

WH: Are you kidding?

OW: no. I know u care about me

WH: I have to go. Please stop texting me.

OW:

And then I am done! And I tell BFF I am done, don't want to hear more and then I figure out how to block her and I do it!

I can NOT believe I did that! My BFF tries to calm me down. She tells me I'm not crazy. She says she deserves it and reminds me HE deserves it, too. She eventually calms me down and and I hang up and go about finishing up what I have to do there, all the while literally feeling sick to my stomach for what I have done and for even talking to that piece of shit!

When I leave I scan the area to see if she is lurking because her text really freaked me out. I still think she knew I was there but who knows.

As I am driving I get a call. Not a number I recognize but I pick up and it's STBXH's care facility. Mr. TOC has been transported to the hospital!!!!

WHAT?!!! Yes, transported to the hospital as he was not feeling well and not related to injured leg so doc wanted him transported over to examine him. Looks like he has an issue that requires emergency surgery and I should go to hospital. I can't even believe this. WTH!!!! Person on phone can't really tell me what the issue is, all she knows is he was feeling very poorly, they called his doc, etc.... I am listed on his admission forms. Please get to hospital as soon as possible.

How did this become my life? My mind is racing. Is he dying? Is he just fucking with me? OMG, what if he's dying? My mind is all over the place. I'm about 20 minutes from hospital and am now headed that way.

I get there and find out where he is. He's being prepped for surgery but she tells me where to go and when I check in upstairs the doctor can come and speak to me and tell me what is going on.

Here I go again - my life is moving in super slow-mo. It's all very surreal. Like I'm hovering above my body watching from afar as all this crazy shit happens to me. One minute I'm texting with my WH's OW and the next, I'm detouring to the hospital because something awful is happening to my idiot WH. How did we get here?

The doc tells me he wanted him brought in because his complaints about feeling poorly had nothing to do with his busted leg. He was worried that perhaps there could be a blood clot since he hasn't been moving much and that shit is serious. They have examined him, scanned him and have found an aneurysm and he MUST have surgery NOW. He says he's very lucky they found it, it shouldn't be too much to worry about but surgery always has risks, blah blah blah. He is being prepped as we speak, beyond being able to see anyone but someone will keep me posted and he'll let WH know I'm here. And he leaves. I head to waiting lounge and sit in stunned silence. I must look like an idiot.

I call his son and tell him. He's panicked. I try to calm him. He thanks me for being there and wants to know how I am. I tell him I really don't know. I'll keep him posted and he tells me he'll come right away, will book a flight and come for at least the weekend. Then I call my son and daughter. Both say they will come and sit with me. I tell them not to rush, both are working, but that it would be nice to have company eventually. Then I call WH BFF and he says he'll come down, too. And then I wait. And then I cry. I don't even know why I'm crying but I cry. Someone brings me a box of tissue, I have no idea who, but suddenly I have tissue. And I wait. And I cry. And I pray.

Throughout all of this trauma he has put me through, I am pissed at him beyond belief but I don't want him to die. Please don't let him die.

Waiting in a hospital is tortuous and it feels like time is not moving at all. But eventually someone tells me I should head to a consultation room just off the waiting area and the doc will come and give me an update. This doesn't sound good. They want to put me in a room, away from other people while they tell me some bad news. That's what's going through my head. I am not handling this well, freaking out in my head and barely able to make sense of it.

Next thing I know the doc comes bouncing in like Tigger. Seems happy as a clam so I take that as a good sign. Tells me "we got it!" He's gonna be fine. All went well. He was lucky, his BRAIN aneurysm could have been in a much more dangerous location so he was lucky. Wait? What?!! BRAIN?!!! BRAIN?!!! Did he tell me it was in his brain before? I can't even remember. So wait, he just had BRAIN surgery? Yes, he confirms, but things are way more advanced than they used to be, not nearly as invasive, he's in ICU for now, and then my mind fogs up and I don't hear the rest. My STBXH just had brain surgery!!!!

The next thing I know, everyone I called is there. Son, daughter, WH BFF and his wife, good friends or ours, so I get hugs all the way around, give the best update I can and just get through it. Eventually I'm told I can go in and see him and I literally do not know what to do. Everyone prods me. Tells me he needs it. I should do it for him just to get him through this. It might help him. And so I go.

He looks so frail. So weak. Nothing like the last time I saw him. He is out of it. I don't even think he knows I'm there but I speak to him, tell him he'll be alright, stroke his hand, smooth his hair, on the side not bandaged up, and just sit with him. And I cry. I'm not thinking about our troubles. I'm not thinking about what I did earlier. I'm not thinking about anything but sitting with the man I have loved for 8 years who is laying there after emergency brain surgery and hoping and praying he gets better. He fucked around on me but he doesn't deserve to die. OK Karma, you got him good. Please ease up on him.

And then I remember .... BELLA! I left her in my car!!! I can't even remember how long ago that was. Since he's out of it and in recovery, I get up to leave, whisper to him to rest and heal and I'll be back later. And I leave.

I talk to everyone. Tell them how he is. His friend and his wife want to go in and they get permission. They say they will stay awhile and so I tell them I have to go, I have my dog and need to get her home. I walk out with my kids. I make sure Bella is OK, and we let her out and take her for a little walk so she can relieve herself. I chat with my kids, tell them I'll be OK, that I have no idea what I plan to do about this but will figure it out. It all happened so fast so I have no plan whatsoever. My son reminds me I don't owe him anything and this is what he threw away ... his access to my compassion and care. My daughter feels bad for him, that he is all alone, and that if needed, she would volunteer to help. I tell them his son is coming so we'll let him handle it and see how we can support that. It's getting late so I tell them I just want to get home and rest and we all leave.

And now it's now and I am stunned. Numb. Worried. Sad. And underneath it all, I am still pissed, hurt, wounded. And truthfully, now pretty ashamed of myself for that stupid texting episode earlier in the day. UGH! How much more can I take?!

Hope tomorrow is a better day but for now, at after 3AM, I am going to try to sleep. Can't wait to see what the big guy above has in store for me tomorrow. Should be a doozy!

Well...that sure took a turn...ungodly shit-storm springs to mind...TOC, you've been heard, my friend. (((TOC))). whew!

The texting? If you had texted, "Die, you dumb ****" it would have been more than OK, so no worries there.

I'll pray for your STBXH's rapid recovery for both of your sakes.

My SIL is married to a man that has behaved worse than yours, and she has been positioning to get free. He recently had a stroke, and needs constant care. I don't want you to go through what she is going through.

Sending strength!

Wow TOC. Thousands of hugs to you. You are really being tested but you continue to pass the tests with flying colors.

Don't fret about the texts. That would be hard for anyone to resist. In fact, many would have gone further. She meant nothing, but is still hanging on to her fantasy.

I agree your STBXH is getting the shit kicked out of him by karma. Yikes. It's hard not to feel a little sorry for him. But you do still need to take care of yourself.

Get some rest. Take some time. Hang with your lovely children. And Bella. You've got this.

Damn, TOC... Unfortunately for your STBXWH, he fired you from the job of taking care of him.

I was thinking before this latest episode that you might now be entering the "grief" part of this process, and now wonder if this may be an accelerated way of saying goodbye to what you and he had.

Not that he should die, mind you... It just brings into stark relief how dramatically different things are now.

I encourage you to lean into your sadness. It is sad. He just threw it all away. Use your support system, and fully live your grief.

The way out is through; you're on the right path.

Blessings, LA

TOC - it'll be ok. it's obvious you are a compassionate person and there is nothing wrong with that. i suspect if you had let him fend for himself in every day you would have regretted that. he'll get better and there will come a time soon when you can walk away from him with no regrets.

i wouldn't worry about the text either. he actually should have blocked her himself, which is another dig that you found out he didn't.

meanwhile, take good care of yourself. let his friends and kids take some reigns here.

I think you need a completion with OW by giving her a YELP review now.

Bloody hell, you can't make this shit up, right? I wouldn't beat yourself up over the text exchange with the OW. Sheesh, I did far worse then that on Dday when I had my Ex's phone. FAR WORSE. You were unbelievably restrained IMHO.

As for the brain aneurism, he was extremely lucky that they caught it and now it's sorted. And as hard as it is to let go during this time, that's what needs to happen. You are not his caregiver any more. I know that it must still feel like you are, but it's an echo of a limb that's been chopped off.

Glad that Bella was okay. You will be too.

My gosh, TOC, what a crazy turn of events. Hang in there.

You are not his caregiver any more. I know that it must still feel like you are, but it's an echo of a limb that's been chopped off.

BrokenheartedUK, this is beautifully said.

Wow, that is really quite the laundry list of stressful events that you've been through lately.

I get it, I understand why you did what you did at each stage. I am sorry that those different stages happened, and I understand that you really don't want WH to suffer like this.

Now, for your own sake, I'm going to gently suggest that you begin backing away again. These emergencies bring out the emotions, the caring, the empathy, and the good in a human.

You're a good human, I think.

I do agree that it is very sad that he's made his bed and now he has to lie in it. But he does, just as we all do. These emergencies are emergencies, but they really don't change the situation materially. Do be careful of him reaching out to you for succor right now, he's in an especially needy mental state. And, sadly, that in itself doesn't bring about any real, lasting change. It just brings out the needy.

This is probably worth a few of those EAP on-the-spot phone calls over the next few days.

Fistbump of understanding, TurnOtherCheek }{

Strangely, I just heard a story very similar to yours just last week. A new woman to our recovery group told us how her husband had been acting out for years and was just busted last year.

As a result of all the dday explosions & drama, he ended up in the ER with similar vague symptoms which were worrisome for the doctor. After some test, it was revealed that this guy had a tumor in the area that is in charge of executive functions, such as decision making & behavior, The doctors strongly suggest that since the tumor had been growing for a very long time, it could explain why he had been acting out the way he had. He is SA and some of that is just part of the pattern so it would be impossible to tease out what the tumor had actually been responsible for.

I don't know the specifics of what happened with your WH but, just throwing this out for your consideration. I know a tumor isn't quite the same as an aneurysm however, the brain is made of highly sensitive tissue and does react to abnormalities in various ways.

It may not have any bearing on your circumstances but, might be worth exploring before you completely close the door on the relationship.

And the text messages to OW? YOU GO GIRL! I would have done SO much worse!

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 11:06 AM, October 28th, 2016 (Friday)]

Wow TOC. I just want to give you one of thes e first because you've had an awful time of it lately (((hug)))

..and don't worry about what you said to OW... because my take from that conversation is, that if your husband has not been talking to her (and I do believe that he hasn't) then it's not for the want of HER TRYING. She wants to keep the affair going. She's an absolute, low life, snake in the grass who's been trying to pick up where she left off with your husband even without knowing you are headed for divorce. She wants to take your place. She doesn't spare a thought for how *you* are. You are just an obstacle to her. You owe her NOTHING and, in fact, after this, I'd have to blow her business up by telling everyone that she sleeps with her client's husbands. Sorry - but I would. She's got no remorse whatsoever and is still trying to get your husband. I think you've been very restrained as it is - and she obviously doesn't deserve it.

After this I'd have to out her to her other clients. Right or wrong I'd have to do it. She's absolutely relentless and it wouldn't surprise me if she had done it before. I think she's after a meal ticket and a sugar daddy. And she certainly has no remorse.

Anyway - enough of her. TOC, I hope *you* got a little sleep last night. I hope your STBX is OK as well. Karma has hit him big time and I can't help feeling a bit sorry for him a bit too. Try to take care of YOU as much as you can.

Damn (((TOC))). I am so sorry. I know it would be hard not to want to take care of him after a brain aneurysm, but you need to leave that up to his friends and family.

It's actually a good thing that he had the bike accident. I had many days I felt bad and even went to the doctor many times for headaches. They told me it was a sinus infection and would give me antibiotics. This went on for a couple of years. Then one day the brain aneurysm burst. I was home alone and called my XWH#2 (he was not an ex then) and he rushed home. I was care flighted and immediately had the surgery to fix the aneurysm. It took me a good couple of months to learn to walk again and I had double vision and no peripherial vision for a long while after. I still have balance issues but other than that I am OK now. The reason I told you this is because he is OK now. He will get better physically. Mentally will take him a long time if he ever even tries to fix himself. My X even tried to use my aneurysm as a reason for cheating saying I changed after I had it. Other than it taking a couple of months to recover, No I didn't. It was just another excuse for his own brokenness.

As far as the OW, who cares if you pretended to be him and blocked her. She is a desperate whore who thinks he will come running to her now that you are gone and he might just do that when all is said and done. XWH#2 did when I kicked him to the curb. Because they are weak men who only really think about their wants and needs. While we were busy making their lives better, they were busy have a fun time with their piece on the side. He had no intentions of breaking it off with her, until you found out. XWH#2 even admitted he would have kept doing it and low and behold he did.

I know it is hard not to feel sorry for him. You still love him. Only time and distance will take away the pain. I think now that love is not enough to hold a relationship together. There are so many other things, but I believe that trust is the #1 thing that must be in a marriage to make it work. I used to have a different saying in my posts. It said ...Marriage is built on trust, when that is gone what do you really have? (can't remember the author). I can't continue to love someone I don't trust. I have to let them go as much as it hurts me to do it. KWIM

livinganew:

You are not his caregiver any more. I know that it must still feel like you are, but it's an echo of a limb that's been chopped off.

This speaks volumes to me. I think you summed it up perfectly. Thanks for that.

After a few hours of sleep I feel much less like a deer in headlights. I also googled his condition and see that under the right circumstances, such as his, this surgery is not so difficult to bounce back from but he does need to slow it down and heal from all the shit his body has gone through. I feel much less upset after a bit of rest and still very much of the mindset that I gotta get out of this circus!

Onward and upward. I have found a place to move to, just a little condo rental convenient to work and today will be arranging movers and carrying on with my life. It just felt better to let it all out after yesterday's fiasco of a day. I seriously did feel like I was being punked! Thanks, all.

TrustGone: Damn! I am so sorry for your medical crisis but so glad you are OK. Wow, just wow. Yeah, I don't think that had anything to do with his behavior. He just wanted more attention and that is all.

And yes, I now am way pissed about the OW and will leave a scathing review about her business AND enlist my friends to also post reviews, such as "it's well known this person can't be trusted in your home alone." I'm so over being nice to her!!!!!!

BrokenheartedUK: I'm sorry, I attribute this lovely analogy and sentiment to you!

livinganew:

You are not his caregiver any more. I know that it must still feel like you are, but it's an echo of a limb that's been chopped off.

This speaks volumes to me. I think you summed it up perfectly. Thanks for that.

Sorry I got that wrong. You captured it perfectly.

TOC - I hope you do leave those reviews - it's the least she deserves - because I really do believe that she's probably done this before.

The way she blocked you and completely ignored you when you messaged her, then asked your husband if he 'couldn't talk' because YOU were there.. and so obviously wanted to carry on the affair even AFTER he(you) had told her that he 'loves his wife' - tells me this is one relentless OW, and, in fact, she seems practiced to me.

I don't think you have to worry that your husband preyed on a vulnerable woman here. Far from it. I stick by my previous thoughts, I think she's looking for a sugar daddy from amongst her wealthier clients. Your husband didn't know why she 'liked' him? I venture his wallet had something to do with it.

In my opinion other clients would benefit from a warning about what they are inviting into their lives and homes. You'd be doing them all a service.

Glad you posted again after that excruciating experience. Your roller coaster ride is more extreme than most and you seem to be recovering from the drops with the aid of family and friends.

Leave the texting episode behind, it was a one off and you have much better things to consider. Hoping your out of country opportunity becomes a reality.

Relieved that Bella was ok as well as your WH. I hope your new place brings you some peace and you can focus on making it a comfortable and welcoming home.

I can relate. When WH had his heart attack I was 3000 miles away. His Mom said I should come so I did. I dropped everything to be there and his daughter and mother were simply VILE to me. It took every ounce of strength I had not to turn around and come home. But I stayed. For a month. Walked away from my job, from an abandoned kitten we were bottle feeding, from my dogs and other cat. Thankfully, I am blessed with the most awesome friends and job, but damn. It was hard.

It is a good sign that your WH isn't responding to OW's texts. Not great that she isn't blocked, but at least you can clearly see that he isn't responding. While that is a good sign, the fact that he hasn't blocked her makes me think he's kind of keeping her on the back burner while he sees if he can repair things with you. My guess would be that if you remain resolute to divorce, he WILL start responding to her. Their relationship was clearly more than just fuck buddies. She at least thought they had a "real" relationship. And the fact that she dared to suggest he couldn't talk because you were there!! What balls! I hope you've done that yelp review, because this piece of trash DOES. NOT. GIVE. A. FUCK. She should NOT have access to peoples homes with her moral standards.

Hang in there TOC. You're still doing everything right. You're still keeping your head and acting from a place of reason. I know your heart is broken and the pain is almost unbearable. But you're doing this. And you will be OK.

((((((((TOC))))))))