I was having a pretty good week all in all, under all the shitty circumstances. Making progress on new home search, had a reasonable exchange with STBXH earlier in the week and just getting through from one day to the next. I felt like Mary Tyler Moore - "she's gonna make it after all." (Showing my age, I know.)
Today was not one of those days. Today, or now yesterday, sucked sucked sucked. I have to unload so I'm back. I was feeling pretty good about not having to vent much this week and now here I am.
STBXH is now in a rehab-physical therapy facility, or was, but more on that later. He emails me this to let me know I can stop by house whenever to do whatever I need to do. Let's me know our dog, Buck is still there but wants to be sure I know he has arranged for his care with a friend of ours - wants to be sure I know OW is not who is taking care of him. I'm happy I'll get to see the old boy and so head over and take Bella with me so she can see her buddy.
In the house earlier today - it feels so weird to be back. STBXH not the neatest and also not ambulatory so place now looks like a bachelor is living there which hurts a bit. I actually start picking up around the house after loving on our dog for a long while. By the way, dishes of skittles still adorn the house!
It is fucking hard and emotional to go through your house and start divvying it up. So hard, I get emotional and have a tough time. It's not easy knowing what I should take or leave, what might work or not in a new place, etc, etc so I start with choosing the bedroom set I'll take and then tagging that furniture that was always mine. I'm going into a much smaller place so I have to be mindful that I don't need all that much but I do want to have the basics.
I take a break and check work emails on my phone since I took the day off to get things done since I basically have to move this weekend. I have an email from STBXH from earlier in the day.
"Hey TOC, I lost my phone or I left it at home, not sure which and can't remember where I saw it last. When you stop by, if you see it, can you email me back so I know it's not lost. I hate I put you through this. I feel like crap all around - both physically and emotionally. I'm sorry."
Big sigh....
I haven't seen his phone but I haven't been looking for it either so I scan for it. Don't see it so I call it. Don't hear it so assume he lost it elsewhere though it goes right into VM so maybe it's shut off. Who knows, not my problem. I go about my business and start in other rooms to identify things to take- one for me, one for him. One for me, one for him. He can keep that. I'll take this. This tagging with stickers like my friend suggested works and makes it easier but I'll be going through eventually and making a real list because it will need to go into the D settlement paperwork. See? Look how organized I am!
I go into our former bedroom and start packing some things in a suitcase I still have there. And there it is. His phone, slightly under the (un-made) bed, a bit hidden by the comforter. I pick it up and see it's off so plug it in the charger. That little battery light lights up and indicates battery is dead. Being nice like I am, I send email to STBX to let him know and that battery was dead so I left it on his charger on the vanity in the bathroom.
And I go about my business - checking closet for any possible missed items, looking at lamps, night stands, shoe racks, pictures, etc. Can you tell? Heart is not really in it. As I'm in the bathroom, that notification that the phone is charged enough now it can power up happens, and the phone powers up. I think you know where this is going....but you really don't....but you might. We'll see.
As is known to happen, once power comes onto a phone, notifications start coming in, too. I know the notification sounds for his phone. Email. Texts. News alerts, etc. He has all of them. My curiosity is piqued and gets the best of me....damnit! I look and...
Texts: Series of texts over about 4 days, as far back as any texts from this number (hers!) goes. (Note: WH in rehab place for 2 days at this point.)
OW: hi. just want to say hi (she doesn't use caps - how irritating)
(WH: crickets...as in no reply...ever... to any of her texts)
OW:
OW: i miss u. i miss us
OW: is there no way we can talk?
OW: i wish you wouldn't just ignore me
OW: ut? ruff day 4 me (how cute are her abbreviations?)
OW:
.....
So, as I am sitting there looking at this string of texts from her over 4 days, which by the way shows only her phone number, not her name-and that number is branded in my brain, an effin text comes in from her!
OW: maybe she's around and you can't talk?
WTF!!!!! Is she driving by? Does she see my car here? I am livid! Beyond belief. So livid, I'm stupid and reply!!!!!
WH/Me: ???
OW: OMG!! HI!!!!! (this from one who uses no caps!)
Now I'm shaking. I'm pissed and then nervous because WTH? I am using WH phone and texting with his OW -- so many violations on so many levels I can't grasp what's happening. So I put the phone back down on the charger and I walk away.
I call my BFF and tell her what I've done. I read her the texts. I tell her how pissed I am they are still in touch. Then she reminds me OW is in touch, nothing suggests WH is in touch since there are never any replies to her. Then I tell her how pissed I am WH hasn't blocked her. She agrees. Total asshole for not blocking her. She tells me I should block her since I have the phone. I remind her it doesn't matter. She tells me to do it just to fuck with their destiny, if they have one. I think that's a pretty good idea. Then she tells me I should fuck with OW a bit and let her think it's WH and see what she says. I think this is a really bad idea but I'm a scorned woman after all so with friend's assistance and prodding, I put her on speaker phone and pick up his phone and...
WH/ME: Hi
OW: can we talk?
WH: ???
OW: on phone?
WH: no
OW: oh.
ok. u ok?
WH: eh
OW: i've been going crazy wondering how u r. u could at least let me know ur ok
WH: bad idea but i'll be ok
(at this point BFF says I should tell her "I love my wife." So....)
WH: I love my wife!
OW:
things i didn't need 2 know
WH: but true
OW: how mad is she?
WH: not having this conversation with you
OW: ok. i just really miss you. im sry. can't help it. think about you all the time. hoping you miss me too
(
)
At this point I can think of nothing to say though BFF wants me to try to get her to talk more but I don't. So.....
WH/ME: Gotta go. Please stop texting me.
OW: pls talk 2 me
WH: about?
OW: i just miss my friend. we had so much fun. right?
WH: it was wrong!
OW: why so cold?
WH: Are you kidding?
OW: no. I know u care about me
WH: I have to go. Please stop texting me.
OW:
And then I am done! And I tell BFF I am done, don't want to hear more and then I figure out how to block her and I do it!
I can NOT believe I did that! My BFF tries to calm me down. She tells me I'm not crazy. She says she deserves it and reminds me HE deserves it, too. She eventually calms me down and and I hang up and go about finishing up what I have to do there, all the while literally feeling sick to my stomach for what I have done and for even talking to that piece of shit!
When I leave I scan the area to see if she is lurking because her text really freaked me out. I still think she knew I was there but who knows.
As I am driving I get a call. Not a number I recognize but I pick up and it's STBXH's care facility. Mr. TOC has been transported to the hospital!!!!
WHAT?!!! Yes, transported to the hospital as he was not feeling well and not related to injured leg so doc wanted him transported over to examine him. Looks like he has an issue that requires emergency surgery and I should go to hospital. I can't even believe this. WTH!!!! Person on phone can't really tell me what the issue is, all she knows is he was feeling very poorly, they called his doc, etc.... I am listed on his admission forms. Please get to hospital as soon as possible.
How did this become my life? My mind is racing. Is he dying? Is he just fucking with me? OMG, what if he's dying? My mind is all over the place. I'm about 20 minutes from hospital and am now headed that way.
I get there and find out where he is. He's being prepped for surgery but she tells me where to go and when I check in upstairs the doctor can come and speak to me and tell me what is going on.
Here I go again - my life is moving in super slow-mo. It's all very surreal. Like I'm hovering above my body watching from afar as all this crazy shit happens to me. One minute I'm texting with my WH's OW and the next, I'm detouring to the hospital because something awful is happening to my idiot WH. How did we get here?
The doc tells me he wanted him brought in because his complaints about feeling poorly had nothing to do with his busted leg. He was worried that perhaps there could be a blood clot since he hasn't been moving much and that shit is serious. They have examined him, scanned him and have found an aneurysm and he MUST have surgery NOW. He says he's very lucky they found it, it shouldn't be too much to worry about but surgery always has risks, blah blah blah. He is being prepped as we speak, beyond being able to see anyone but someone will keep me posted and he'll let WH know I'm here. And he leaves. I head to waiting lounge and sit in stunned silence. I must look like an idiot.
I call his son and tell him. He's panicked. I try to calm him. He thanks me for being there and wants to know how I am. I tell him I really don't know. I'll keep him posted and he tells me he'll come right away, will book a flight and come for at least the weekend. Then I call my son and daughter. Both say they will come and sit with me. I tell them not to rush, both are working, but that it would be nice to have company eventually. Then I call WH BFF and he says he'll come down, too. And then I wait. And then I cry. I don't even know why I'm crying but I cry. Someone brings me a box of tissue, I have no idea who, but suddenly I have tissue. And I wait. And I cry. And I pray.
Throughout all of this trauma he has put me through, I am pissed at him beyond belief but I don't want him to die. Please don't let him die.
Waiting in a hospital is tortuous and it feels like time is not moving at all. But eventually someone tells me I should head to a consultation room just off the waiting area and the doc will come and give me an update. This doesn't sound good. They want to put me in a room, away from other people while they tell me some bad news. That's what's going through my head. I am not handling this well, freaking out in my head and barely able to make sense of it.
Next thing I know the doc comes bouncing in like Tigger. Seems happy as a clam so I take that as a good sign. Tells me "we got it!" He's gonna be fine. All went well. He was lucky, his BRAIN aneurysm could have been in a much more dangerous location so he was lucky. Wait? What?!! BRAIN?!!! BRAIN?!!! Did he tell me it was in his brain before? I can't even remember. So wait, he just had BRAIN surgery? Yes, he confirms, but things are way more advanced than they used to be, not nearly as invasive, he's in ICU for now, and then my mind fogs up and I don't hear the rest. My STBXH just had brain surgery!!!!
The next thing I know, everyone I called is there. Son, daughter, WH BFF and his wife, good friends or ours, so I get hugs all the way around, give the best update I can and just get through it. Eventually I'm told I can go in and see him and I literally do not know what to do. Everyone prods me. Tells me he needs it. I should do it for him just to get him through this. It might help him. And so I go.
He looks so frail. So weak. Nothing like the last time I saw him. He is out of it. I don't even think he knows I'm there but I speak to him, tell him he'll be alright, stroke his hand, smooth his hair, on the side not bandaged up, and just sit with him. And I cry. I'm not thinking about our troubles. I'm not thinking about what I did earlier. I'm not thinking about anything but sitting with the man I have loved for 8 years who is laying there after emergency brain surgery and hoping and praying he gets better. He fucked around on me but he doesn't deserve to die. OK Karma, you got him good. Please ease up on him.
And then I remember .... BELLA! I left her in my car!!! I can't even remember how long ago that was. Since he's out of it and in recovery, I get up to leave, whisper to him to rest and heal and I'll be back later. And I leave.
I talk to everyone. Tell them how he is. His friend and his wife want to go in and they get permission. They say they will stay awhile and so I tell them I have to go, I have my dog and need to get her home. I walk out with my kids. I make sure Bella is OK, and we let her out and take her for a little walk so she can relieve herself. I chat with my kids, tell them I'll be OK, that I have no idea what I plan to do about this but will figure it out. It all happened so fast so I have no plan whatsoever. My son reminds me I don't owe him anything and this is what he threw away ... his access to my compassion and care. My daughter feels bad for him, that he is all alone, and that if needed, she would volunteer to help. I tell them his son is coming so we'll let him handle it and see how we can support that. It's getting late so I tell them I just want to get home and rest and we all leave.
And now it's now and I am stunned. Numb. Worried. Sad. And underneath it all, I am still pissed, hurt, wounded. And truthfully, now pretty ashamed of myself for that stupid texting episode earlier in the day. UGH! How much more can I take?!
Hope tomorrow is a better day but for now, at after 3AM, I am going to try to sleep. Can't wait to see what the big guy above has in store for me tomorrow. Should be a doozy!