SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I haven't done it. The temptation is definitely there, however, and I'd be intellectually dishonest if I said otherwise. Just being transparent with you all.

Bravo.

You are a good man, Thumos, and I do hope that you will find peace in 2020.

I meet successful attractive women all the time who are giving me "pings" and all the cues that they are reciprocally attracted to me. And I think, "gee here's a great lady and -- bonus -- she's never cheated on me!"

It’s good to know that you have options, if you decide to move on.

Plenty of good women out there.

I see so many similarities to Saddestdads story here it’s really heartbreaking.

Point me to his thread?

Shattered & Heartbroken in JFO.

But - but - but - you're probably a perfectionist

True also. I’m *fairly* self aware about my own quirks and eccentricities. Being a perfectionist also makes me a bit of a procrastinator.

So where are you now, Thumos? I see your comment elsewhere but you seem reticent to continue updating your own saga. What’s next?

Being a perfectionist also makes me a bit of a procrastinator.

Hahahaha, yep.

I’m a perfect example

Thumos

I sent you an apology on PM for lashing out at you on you post on my R thread. I know you are hurting and venting a lot and you need to keep

Doing that if it helps you.

That’s what this forum is for. I probably should have held my tongue

where are you now, Thumos? I see your comment elsewhere but you seem reticent to continue updating your own saga. What’s next?

Not reticent but I don’t have a lot of new information for you. The past five months or so were compressed with a lot of pressure from the past couple of years so there was an urgency to it and a lot of ridiculous drama I’ve documented for you all. I was also letting out a lot I’d kept in. That led me to a volume of posting I don’t feel is necessary now. I mean, I let it all out! I can’t think of anything I haven’t shared or maybe overshared.

But don’t fear — this has been an incredibly helpful process and I will keep you all updated. As I noted in one of my last updates, I’m taking some time to think. I’m also enacting the series of steps my therapist and I worked through. One thing I felt pressure from myself the last couple of years was this relentless weight that probably led me to freeze in limbo. Taking some time to think instead of being freighted down with the sheer emotionalism of this is absolutely vital for me right now.

I’ve also started breath meditation again after many years of not doing it. And I’ve been having chest pain the past several weeks. I can’t say when it exactly started but hopefully it’s an interstitial muscle pull (something I’ve had before from weight lifting which can mimic angina). My father died from a mitral valve defect when I was 2 so I’ve always been a little more paranoid about my heart than I probably should be. I’m traveling so it’s hard to see my doctor right now — but I haven’t made my physical health a priority the last several months and it’s time to do that now. I expect you will see a reduction in my posting activity as a result.

My wife is traveling and I’m traveling, so it’s been easier to implement celibacy. We will see how long I can last. I have a high sex drive and she wants it. I don’t know if the celibacy is clearing my head or not, but I’m trying it out.

So that’s what is new.

PS I think what you’re noting elsewhere on SI is that I have a tendency to get caught up in the “someone is wrong on the internet game” - I’m aware of that weakness but I’m still prone to it. I’d be doing that, frankly, for any forum I became involved in, regardless of the topic. Unfortunately I one of those people who literally could argue with a tree stump.

That said, I was astonished and disheartened to see so many WW’s and BW’s accusing BH’s of being “rapey” for having reasonable expectations about sex, so I went to town in that thread on behalf of defending other men who’ve already put up with enough bullshit in their lives. I have no regrets about stating quite clearly what I believe, why I believe it, why it’s logically consistent, or for showing how illogical and full of holes so many of the responses were.

My posting volume elsewhere is not indicative of reticence here. If you want to ask something, feel free.

(Also I have no intention of backing down from trying to help people on JFO. )

[This message edited by Thumos at 5:36 PM, January 20th (Monday)]

Thumos

I sent you an apology on PM for lashing out at you on you post on my R thread. I know you are hurting and venting a lot and you need to keep

Doing that if it helps you.

That’s what this forum is for. I probably should have held my tongue

Hey we’re all good. I think something got lost in the translation there. I was speaking metaphorically about telling off your wife of course. What I was really trying to say was that in spite of a fairly insurmountable skepticism by people like me after reading your story and what she did to you, it appears she is really “getting it” and did the right thing here and handled this like a boss. I was actually impressed reading about it. But I was also trying to say that you shouldn’t feel down or weird that you’re angry because it’s a perfectly rational response (and there’s more to come).

How is your plan moving along? I'm reminded of this quote from Hiking Out:

When you really put into perspective of what that is, then you may have a WS like me or others who went the sex bombing route. For me, it wasn't so much that it was inauthentic, or that it wasn't appreciated by my husband. In looking back it was maybe some glue that kept us afloat until the other stuff could be addressed. It didn't stop that at month 5 or 6 my husband entered the anger phase and by month 9 he was asking for a divorce. After that was put away again, we actually went through another longer period of HB, and I will say there was a lot of healing of our connection there. That wasn't really about healing ourselves, though. We keep talking about those two concepts as if they are one and they are not.

Sex as glue is only going to hold together so much. He needed to know he was married to someone who was remorseful, who was going to figure out her shit once and for all, and who he could maybe move forward on some solid ground with.

When he married me that he was going to be happy or we would divorce. Having been in a miserable marriage prior to entering ours, he was no longer willing to "stick it out" for the sake of sticking it out. I still think that the A trauma he realized how much he'd lost track of that thought. For him the exercise of the separation and divorce gave him that security again. I think this gave him the assurance he was going to be alright no matter how things panned out.

I am bringing this up now because:

1. Sex will only provide so much in the way of assurance. Please consider ALL your requirements for R. There will really never be a "proving of your love " with such a flimsy barometer, it will be hollow without anything attached. Consistency in action being the top thing.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 10:03 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]

If you want to ask something, feel free.

I guess I am confused about something. You've been saying you need time to think. Yet on page 29 of this thread, you said

“what does a few hummers in the AP’s truck matter once she’s brought him into your home for sex?) but it matters in terms of having a person I can reconcile with.

For me that means moving toward divorce.

My question is, what is there to think about? Logistics of a divorce or whether or not you're going to stay together?

I realize I haven't posted much lately and wanted to explain:

First, travel for work. When I do this, the meeting schedules are intense.

Second, the chest pain may in fact be lingering pain from a heart attack the past couple of weeks. Jury's still out. EKG showed minor heart attack, enzyme test came back negative (but that dissipates within a few days of an MI). Cardiologist appt coming up for additional tests. It's not serious enough for them to have hospitalized me, so silver lining there. This and just keeping up with a demanding job have kept me busy.

My wife and I are seeing a family law attorney next week -- barring any developments that would prevent us on the heart front -- to get a real post nup drawn up. She knows divorce is on the table now, and she is willing to provide me a post nup as essentially a pre-divorce settlement to protect me.

She has also said she wants to be my caretaker right now, fully accepting that her actions are the cause of this. We've discussed the fact that being with her might literally be killing me now.

I'm not in rough shape or anything. You wouldn't know I'm going through this to look at me. I'm in better shape physically than many 35 year olds and eat primarily a clean diet. It's more than a little irritating to have lived the straight and narrow path and not having abused my body and now facing down the barrel of heart issues, but it is what is.

This is obviously preoccupying and all I've been thinking about aside from being present for my kids, just getting through the day and trying to move on some big projects.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:55 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

My question is, what is there to think about? Logistics of a divorce or whether or not you're going to stay together?

Logistics and timing of a divorce. It's not so easy to pull the plug on a 25 year marriage, that is if you want it to be amicable and ensure the minimal impact possible on kids and finances.

As for the last item, she'd need to show me something she hasn't shown me before now -- and I'm not even sure what that is -- for me to stay long-term.

As I said, we'll hopefully get the post nup drafted next week. Then I'll know more about what kind of divorce I'm actually looking at. It's a little scary to think about dealing with heart issues as a single man, but I won't know details about that until I see a cardiologist.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:08 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]

I hope your health concerns are diagnosed quickly, and the best remedies applied. Positive thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

Sorry to hear about your health issue. Please look into takotsubo cardiomyopathy. Although unusual in men, it is not unknown. When you google it, links to information at Mayo and Harvard are at the top of the results list. So you should be reasonably confident what you are reading is based in science.

duplicate

[This message edited by Sanibelredfish at 6:07 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]

Well, like they say, off like a heard of turtles. But all that really matters is that you're moving forward, putting yourself first, and preparing to live your life without a cloud of infidelity looming over you. Good luck with the medical results.

Hi Thumos

I'm sorry to hear about your health issues. I really hope it turns out to be nothing serious.

I have another couple of questions. If you are on the D path, why bother with the pre-nup? Are you just using the pre-nup as a ruse and once everything is in place, you plan on D?

If the pre-nup is being written with the idea of you staying unless another shoe drops, how can you overcome the knowledge that your WW is still lying to you?