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She does seem very bi-polar with this while thing. She is completely two different people.

She woke me up last night about an hour after I told her it was done and if was canceling MC. She was balling and said she would make the call. I told her that it was too late and I didn't like how she has to think that long and hard about it. She said she would make the call anyways. I told her she was more than welcome to do it, but I'm still done. She made the call and it went to his VM. I checked the number and it marched up to the one that has been showing up on the phone records. After, she wanted to stay the night in the same room, but I said no. She asked if I would still go to MC, and I said no. I then told her this morning that I would let her know by lunch if I would go to MC.

IU

Best of luck with your decision on attending MC. Whatever you do and whatever you decide, you will survive and you will be ok. I know it doesn't feel that way now and I don't feel that way all the time myself. Recovery from infidelity and reconcilliation is hard. Divorce and separation is hard. But there are examples of people here on SI that have gone down both roads and are thriving and enjoying the life the have chosen.

Take care of yourself you are not alone.

Please do not fall for this again. The number she called keeps showing up means she has been in contact with him all along . She has pulled this every time you do what you should do. Last night was your third DDay. She flat out told you she wanted to continue this affair.

Of course she was balling. She now will have a POS boyfriend and no husband. She would like to live with you and have your permission to visit him once in a while. Is that how you want to live.

She is not bi polar. She has had an affair with much more to it that you do not know, has been lying and scheming to tear your world apart, and there is no reason to be making excuses for her

The first thing she told you when you caught the tryst was that she was not sure if she loves you . Her actions have been perfectly predictable for someone making that statement.

She has been in contact with this guy all along, most likely has had sex with him at some point that you will painfully find our eventually, and now the shit has hit the fan for her.

I hope in heavens name you do not continue to let her do this to you . And she probably has already contacted him this morning to tell him what is going on

You need to listen to the VAR from Monday night again. So why would you want to give her more time as she told him she needed.???

[This message edited by Badhurt at 9:38 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

If you go to MC, I think you need to get to the point quickly at the first session. Though I dont know if the MC will let you dictate the scene.

Considering how your wife seems to have either led you on or is a completely and totally confused person, there isn't a lot of time for niceties and get to know ya's at the first session.

I really think that for you and most BS's, by the time MC rolls around, the WW is all ready, the MC is all ready, but the BH is totally out of patience and the time for pleasant talk is over.

About the only thing I see coming out of MC, is for you to finally find out what your wife's problem has been all along, and maybe even the whole truth.

I'm one of those people that will always believe 2+2 will always equal 4. And something isn't adding up here. Your wife seems to really have to think hard about everything concerning this.

Does your wife normally take a long time to make decisions or is this constant taking forever to make a decision new for her.

I don't know IU.

I think you probably need to press your advantage. You're right. She took too long. How do you know she didn't talk to someone and came to the conclusion she'd make the call because she can always call him back later?

I think I would really try to bring her to her knees. Tell your family and friends. Put it on facebook. Tell her to move out.

then see what she does. See if she really starts to work. I say this not to be cruel to her. I say it because she's been playing games with you for a month. This is very likely another game. You don't need games. She needs to see the consequences of her actions.

If you kick her out it also gives you time to see how much better you might like life without this wishy-washy dishonest wife you have.

That's my advice. I'd go nuclear. If she's worth saving, she'll really work to make things better. If she doesn't, you haven't lost much.

Unless she really is bipolar. She may not be brought to her knees if that is the case. She might go depressive or manic, and until it happens you have no way to know. Why hasn't her IC picked up on this possibility -- another strange turn of events.

If you go to MC, take control. Explain the abberant behavior you've witnessed, explain her refusal to end the A, explain her "ups and downs" regarding you (the I can't wait to see you versus I don't know if I love you; the sexy texts versus contact with OM; etc.) and say the truth: you cannot live like this any more. Simply tell her in front of the MC that you cannot choose to remain in a marriage that involves three people.

Remember, you haven't been acting like you are bipolar. You have been consistent with your conduct and expectations. Her issues, whatever they are, with the M are minor compared to this mess she has created.

I'm not a betting man, but I'd consider a bet on whether she runs out of the session in tears when the C starts to question her on what you've said. It doesn't sound possible, so C might think you are exaggerating or hallucinating. And the sad thing is that its all true.

Good luck, friend. We're hoping for the best outcome for you, even if that means D.

I really want to second what Mike said. I don't think you will ever really know until she is out of your house. It maybe that she runs to the OM. It maybe that she realizes what she has done. In either event you will get clarity.

What I find almost incomprehensible is that someone who has supposedly spent a weekend with your wife would then demand that that she leave her marriage.

The demand is simply astonishing.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 11:06 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

So sorry IUH

Whatever she is bi polar BPD, NPD or anything in between you did not deserve this.

At this point MC would be a waste of money.

Ask her to move out file and serve her at work.

Again this is not your fault you should let family know today if you can.

the I can't wait to see you versus I don't know if I love you; the sexy texts versus contact with OM; etc.

I read some other posts on here that a manic episode can show itself in an overly sexual way. Like her texts and whatever happened after.

And it is interesting, why her IC never brought this up...that you know of.

A talk with the IC could prove helpful.

IUH, if you have just a couple of minutes, go,to Reconciled and read the thread MC Isnt What I Expected. Probably horror stories, but forewarned is forearmed. Lesson in a nutshell, make sure the C is experienced with infidelity cases.

My take, a lot of C's apparently focus on issues they are familiar with and Thereby keep their batting averages high. Yours is a difficult case since all the eyes on SI haven't seen one like it before. Do not let the A issue be pushed aside.

Edited for tablet induced typos

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 2:21 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

Stay strong. As others hav said now it time for knockout blow. Blow it all up. Make this REAL for her. Tell everyone family friends etc. She's never had any idea of the servity of all this. Bipolar maybe, she sure acts like a very adolescent girl and this is all a game.

IUH

You have gotten many opinions here, some differing on things, but I think there was almost unanimous opinion that there is absolutely no way that anyone who has followed this believes that what you have been going thru is the result if a two day week end, some sexting, and a kiss. It is incomprehensible that two adults, him and her, could be talking about herleaving you over that.

You are about to find out some information that will hurt you even more than anything she had done so far by the magnitude of her betrayal. Either the trip to Mexico was just a convenient way for her to meet him there in an A that started online or they have been together a number of times since she got home.

So I guess they must both be bipolar because his behavior over a two day and a kiss is as crazy as hers.

I hope you have made the right choice so you do not get treated like this and do as Mike said and "go nuclear " on her. If you give in on this she will lie in MC and it will be the third line in the sand you have drawn on when she's cries a little bit that you have let her off on and will continue to show you are desperate to have her on any terms she decides she wants. There are three people in your marriage now.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 12:50 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

IUH,

How much longer are you willing to endure this?

You are being disrespected & humiliated. Forget love, she is not even being kind.

THIS WILL GO ON FOR AS LONG AS YOU LET IT.

Out her to your friends , clergy , & both of your families today. An A thrives in secret. Shine the light of day on it.

& it is way past time for her to see the consequences of her actions. Start packing her things.

I'm not going to MC. I told her I don't believe anything she says and still don't believe the A is over, even after the phone call.

IUH

Stay strong brother . She told you last night she did not want it to be over. That phone call meant nothing. You know that. She was probably on the phone with him all day today.

I hope you did what the others have said. Out this to everyone

And tell her to start to look for a place to live or ask her to leave tonight.

Every time you waved listen to that VAR and get enraged .

There is nothing she can say to you that you can believe. You know that too.

Remember, you are a young smart guy who is not encumbered with a bunch of young children.

You do not need this crap!!!

She was saying she just needed more time and was so confused (blah blah blah). This was extremely hard for me to listen to and I was a mess.

I'm disappointed for you. Basically, when a WW does this, it's like discovering the affair all over again. I really thought this was a case where she just needed some attention, and she'd be shaken enough by her own actions that she'd work harder on the marriage.

Instead, it sounds like she is contemplating an exit affair, but is starting to see that this jerk isn't so wonderful after all.

You have the hidden VAR, but, as you know, you can't really watch her 24/7. Her first instinct was to lie about the phone call.

I still think there's hope, but MC doesn't seem like the right first step any more. Though I don't see anything wrong with trying it in the near future.

At least your course of action is set. Continue the D and separate using 180 techniques. Show your indifference to what she wants to do and what she chooses to do. Any ,ore investment in the M with a no remorse W isn't worth the effort.

You are young I assume, and don't have kids. That does make D much easier.

Besides, from what I've read here, C's won't do MC when the A is active. Hers may not be this minute, but that could change again in an hour. You don't know, and have no way to predict her erratic behavior.

BTW, keep the var secret. She doesn't need to know why you are so smart.

Stand strong IUH.

I know this is devastating :

I just don't understand how I can mean so little

Her own selfish needs & entitlement came before everything else.

Some day you will see how it had nothing to do with you.

You don't want a person like that to be the mother of your children.

When we BSs are dealt this hand, it helps a lot to know that at some point we took a stand & said

"No, you will not treat me this way any more."

Later, you will feel proud of yourself that you were strong enough to do that, & sooner rather than later.

There are BSs on this site who allow this b*ll$hit to drag on for years.

Keep on like you are doing. It will get better, I promise. It will just take a little time.

For now, take care of yourself physically & just get thru one day at a time.

When is she moving out?

Did you tell her parents yet? Did you tell your parents yet?

Hi IUH,

What happened yesterday?

Hey IUH,

I just read the thread in one sitting. Such a crappy situation. There is better advice to be found in the messages you've been sent than any MC could hope to offer.

I tried every avenue and It just didn't work out.

I just wanted to add.... Do not be too disappointed if her family take her side no matter how close you are to them. She is their family. Despite what she has done they will support her at some level.

Sometimes you just have to accept people leave people despite how long the two of you have been together or how great your relationship once was.

I hope you find the strength to do what is right for you. It sounds like you've been protecting her as you have always done since you got together. It's natural. But it's time to take care of yourself for a while.

I wish you the best of luck.

It does get better I promise.