SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Three words: Respect and admiration.

You've got mine.

My DDAY was 10 days after yours and I also have "unique complications" tied to the malevolent involvement of my WWs OM in her life and mine.

In short, I've always felt connected to your story, your pain, your glimmers of hope and your soul crushing pain.

I'm sad for you and your kids because your WW couldn't get her shit together in time to disclose the journal and the pictures before your found them. I'm happy for you that you will not be prisoner to this dramatic and destructive relationship.

Keep posting for you and for the rest of us, who all see some (or a lot) of ourselves and our stories in you and yours. We'll keep helping you get through this and, in doing so, you'll continue helping us.

Swat, I'm glad you're back and posting again. I completely understand how bad TT sucks. I understand how every little new revelation is like having that knife in your back driven in a little deeper. I have no advice for you. I just want you to know that you are not alone in what you are going through.

On this site I would have selected a better companion than old Chuck…

Considering he had his daughter Diana with his OW while married to Dianne Holechek…

To his credit he has acknowledged and accepted his daughter as his own.

Just sayin…

Swat- Stay the course. You have a clear path. Very few of us have "found our way" as quickly and as definitively as you have in this troubled journey. Undoubtedly, you have been an inspiration to many newbies joining this site and have minimized their pain and pitfalls to an extent.

Bigger nailed it on Norris. Chuck is yet another hypocrite who pretends to be moral and upright, yet fails to live by his supposed creed. He also appears to try to impose his views on others--not a cool guy.

I remember warning you that the OM wasn't done with your family and would seek revenge; distributing those damaging pics was a vicious attempt to get back at you.

If you divorce then he really does succeed in delivering a death blow to your marriage. You can then expect him to move in to comfort your wife and maybe commence spending time with your kids. The nightmare goes on; take time to think things out before the divorce becomes final. Don't let the bastard win - remember his words "she was mine first and always would be". The statement is ridiculous, but apparently he is determined to win one way or another.

Please, please, please do not make your decision on OK Wow's post!! This has nothing to do with the OM "winning or losing"!

You need to do what is best for you based on what you are experiencing. If you have reached your end, and it is 100% fine if you have, then move forward on that path. Why keep yourself in a situation you no longer want to deal with just to make sure the OM doesn't "win"? That path can only lead to unhappiness.

I wish you the best and hope you continue to remember that SI is here to support you.

ETA: If I mistook what Ok Wow was trying to say, then I apologize. I was responding to how it read to me.

[This message edited by BeingNaive at 10:04 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

I have been following your thread, and all I can say is you have renewed my faith in men (especially LEO's, as my STBX is one). You are so strong, and so determined to do whatever it takes for your kids. You seem like a truly wonderful person, and I wish you nothing but the best with whatever decision you have come to.

I remember warning you that the OM wasn't done with your family and would seek revenge; distributing those damaging pics was a vicious attempt to get back at you.

If you divorce then he really does succeed in delivering a death blow to your marriage. You can then expect him to move in to comfort your wife and maybe commence spending time with your kids. The nightmare goes on; take time to think things out before the divorce becomes final. Don't let the bastard win - remember his words "she was mine first and always would be". The statement is ridiculous, but apparently he is determined to win one way or another.

The continue lies and holding on to affair "momentos" from SWAT's WW was the "death blow"!!

I second what Toby says.

SWAT you are a wonderful man, who will do well in the end. You are destined for many wonderful things.

Stay strong friend.

Swat, we're all rooting for you to work through this in a way that works for you and your kids. I do have a question (apologies if I missed the answer somewhere): is this man abusive? I am not trying to slander here, but he sounds like he is way off his rocker and could use his authority he had once to feel entitled or abusive? If he is laying claim and saying she is HIS, that is someone who looks at her like a possession, not a person. Sorry; just a random thought.

SWAT, do not get lulled into the idea that because your WW is financially secure, that she will not come after your pension or other financials in your divorce.

Your WW is the self-proclaimed drama queen, who put on a show. Now her show is ending - by signing the D papers, and she is not getting the ending she wants. Once the shock wears off, she will be angry her marriage is over. The fact that she destroyed it herself will mean nothing. She will potentially blame you. And a way she can show her anger is to make your divorce as ugly as possible. I'm not saying this will happen, but its possible.

She has demonstrated, time and time again by her actions, how little she cares about anyone besides herself. You have read the words yourself. The "fog" talk has unfortunately been seen already, but I don't credit it much. I do believe the rush of the affair is real - but far too much credit is put into the idea of the "fog." It is an excuse for a cheating spouse to use. Here is the truth: your WW is now, and has always been, in complete control of her actions. She was when she began the affair, wrote her journal of how much she loved it (and then KEPT it), and continued her months of lies and betrayal. And especially when she sought out to meet the OM. I didn't buy the story of her meeting the OM then, and I don't now.

I hope you have an amicable process moving forward, for everyone's sake, including your WW. However, I cannot urge you strongly enough to prepare for her to get nasty.

[This message edited by whipmorgan at 11:04 AM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

all I can say is that I hope you have also got the kids into therapy

I feel most sorry for them during this time and while I understand and empathize with your need to end the drama, I really really hope that they are getting the help they need.

Kids don't give a damn about CS - they want a father and honestly if you leave the family in that WW's hands how much of a protector and provider are you truly going to be?

I get the pain = my WH is a H-U-G-E mess and I am dealing with an OC and all the horrible baggage that comes with it decades from now = but really I am praying you don't lose sight of the big picture

YES -you need to be safe. Your children need a father, not money

just my two cents and hang in there!

I haven't been around this site for a while and I'm really surprised how much I have changed since I was here last. I started to say this forum has changed but it's me that has changed. I forgot how angry I was in the beginning. That being said, I read through this whole post last night and this morning and, wow. There has been a lot of anger projected onto your wife and much of it to me feels displaced.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't be angry and other betrayed spouses shouldn't be angry. Of course they should be. You should be. I certainly was and still am, just not to the same degree. A horrible wrong has been done to you, to them, to me and there is no justice to be had from it. It just made me very sad to see some of the responses to your happiness at making breakfast for your wife and kids or any time you mentioned you, her and happiness in the same post and I think it has unjustly swayed your actions.

While I have no doubt that all the advice you have received, this included, comes from people who are genuinely concerned for you and your well being, just keep in mind that some of it has come from places just as dark as the one you're in.

WW seems defeated today. Not sure what has happened but she is really subdued today. I mean maybe the fact her pictures are just about everywhere and I have read her true feelings, oh wait a minute her "fantasy",has finally sunk in. I had really hoped she was different. I wanted to have a happy life and family.

I'm not really one to dwell on the past or bad things I can't change, but my life was shit growing up. My mom was great and she sacrificed so much for me when I was little. Never knew my father but even my grandmother (his mom) told me he was a POS. I never had much growing up but we did alright. I learned a lot from my mom about how to be the best person I could be.

I can't remember if I posted this or not. Sorry if I'm a little confused about some things recently. I was talking about the new unit at work. Well due to recent events I'm probably going to have to turn it down. When we officially split I'm not going to be able to work the needed schedule. If I stay in patrol I will get every other weekend off, Fri-Sun. With two days off and one single day the opposite week. It would be more conducive for seeing my kids I think.

So this afternoon I'm sitting on my pool deck for some much needed relaxation with my little guy. Ok he is actually sleeping next to me right now but that is a good thing. He is a grumpy Gus without his nap. My in laws were here this morning but didn't have much chance to talk with them.

I never thought I would be here. I thought we were always on the same page and would grow old together. Dreams are just that, dreams and not reality. Reality is people will lie and cheat. They steal and intentionally hurt people. People suck, but hey it's job security right?

I've got no one except my kids. My family is gone I get that. I'm in a place right now that is lonely. I want to clarify, I'm alright and will continue to be alright. I have no other option for me or my kids. But random thoughts pop up every know and then. Like Christmas, birthdays and other holidays,seeing my kids for a couple of hours without WW and then they are off with their family. I no longer have a family and that sucks big time. But I'll do what I've always done. Suck it up and move forward. But it still sucks.

Oh yeah. Sorry didn't know Chuck was a cheater, I'm not up on shit like that. He is bad ass in the movies and tv though. But wait, that isn't real either. Sometimes life just sucks.

Sorry if I'm a little confused about some things recently.

Dude, you do NOT need to apologize to anyone. I pretty much picture you in a tornado while typing.

I know the feeling of losing your family. I think the trick is to find some kind of truth in the fact that nothing stays in it's exact shape or form forever. Your kids ARE your family, it just looks different right now. After time, the sting will wear off and you will hopefully see that there is happiness and comfort to be found all around.

I know it's hard to picture now. We're here for you.

((((Swat)))) I'm so sorry. We all wish we could help. Stay strong. You can do this.

I know the feeling of losing your family. I think the trick is to find some kind of truth in the fact that nothing stays in it's exact shape or form forever. Your kids ARE your family, it just looks different right now. After time, the sting will wear off and you will hopefully see that there is happiness and comfort to be found all around.

^^^^^Absolutely. You have a lot of unresolved feelings from your past going on. The A is only one aspect and only exacerbates other issues of your life. I didn't deal with any of my FOO and it all hit me hard 25 years later. To the point where I almost couldn't get up.

Knowing what you know about your past, use that to know that your kids are your family. That no matter what they will be there for you and you will be there for them.

And we are here for you.

yop

Thanks. They are my family just not what I had dreamed ya know. I love my kids they are my life and I will do what is necessary to see the safe, protected and happy.

whip,

I get what your saying and I see it everyday with people fighting over all sorts of stupid shit. Everyone suffers. But here is the thing. I HAVE to believe the woman I fell in love with is in there some where and that woman is honest and loving and she would have kept her word. So call me a fool or whatever but I believe her and what this whole mess to be a painless for all involved as possible. It's gonna hurt we all know that, but I believe we can minimize the pain for each other. We at least owe each other that. If it turns out different so be it, I'll just chalk it up to another lesson learned and live my life the way I see fit.