SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

two kids mom...

Laughter is about the only way to cope with the insanity of it all....A good sense of humor vs self-destructrive behavior.

Good luck with the hearing...let us know what happens...I hope the Ow gets egg all over her face.....but i doubt she do the right thing and accept the judgement...bitch , bitch bitching is all that will ever come from her...it will always be about her and her child deserving, not about what you and your family deserve. This CS thing is the only legal incidence where extortion is legal !

2kids.

6K per month! WTF???!!! She really *does* think hubby is a sugar daddy, doesn't she.

If it turns out she makes more than H, how will that affect CS? Maybe I'm getting my people confusued though; I thought someone here, perhaps BW, said the OW makes a six figure income?

How infuriating!

2 kids

You will be in my prayers. We are still waiting to go to court after the OW agreed to a fair a amount then changed her mind. She broke down the expenses and there was even water, because her daughter only drinks spring water. The amount she requested would leave him with very little to live on not to mention we have 2 children that he is obligated to support as well. This whole thing is a big F@@@ing joke. These women in my opinion thought they were getting sugar daddy's instead of hard working idiots with families. Her crackerjack box attorney (who is her aunt) told my H that they would attach my wages, Good Luck on that bitch. In our case court is being held up b/c she still has to provide the court with daycare fees, she has been telling us that she pays $25 a day which is about right however I have a feeling grandma is taking care of the child and she is not really paying at all. So far she can't provide proof to the court and yet is still making all these demands. Someone said it early we have to laugh otherwise we will end up in the looney bin.

FREAKING OUT- My H and I are trying to R. THere is an OC that he wants to have contact with. We are in the process of verifying the paternity. The OW is taking the child for the test today, my H went yesterday. We will know sometime next week we expect. We have been doing well- not fought in a week but I am freaking out off and on becasue we are doing good. I am not sure that I can R if this child is his. I don't know if I can get past the constant reminder of the A. I have to deal this weekend with him seeing the OW and OC. I go to my IC today so I am hoping that will help. I am just not in a good place right now. I think mostly, I am looking for some support and a few hugs that it is possible to get through this and simply accept the fact that there is an OC and that R is not impossible.

scooter3377-

I am in the same boat except the OC is not even here yet. The OC should be born sometime this month. Our MC told us to talk about how we want to deal with the paternity testing and the probability that the OC is my H. H said he cannot think of what kind of contact he would want until he has confirmation that the child is his. There is another man involved.

I am not sure how to handle this either. H has a son from a previous relationship whom I love dearly. But you are right. That child is a constant reminder of the A. Plus H would have to tell both of our families. Right now they do not know.

If you need someone to talk to please PM me.

I told him yesterday that once we get the results we will have to sit down and have a serious conversation about what kind of father he wants to be to this child, how often does he want to see her (right now it is every other Sunday for about 2 hours and the OW has to be there and I can't be), how can we get him proper visitation with out the OW being there the whole time, do we need to consult wiht another lawyer or keep the one we have, ect...

I am thinking though that I am going to need a couple of days away from him once we receive the results. And right now I am so scared that I can't handle the results. That up until now, I have always had doubt that this was in fact his child. but now we are really having the test done so we will know for sure- can I handle that- will it confuse me more or will I actually get some clarity?

I really hope IC helps me today other wise I am going to be a basket case for quite sometime and that isn't going to help my relationship with my H.

[This message edited by lunnychick at 5:53 PM, January 25th (Thursday)]

sorry for the typo..

Your marriage concerns come first, then your children..then that OC...with the OW at the bottom !

scooter3377-

You should be there for the visits too. The OW is not part of your family. She does not need to be there. There is no reason for her to be. I would talk to your H about that and have him tell her.

Is he prepared to not see the OC if the test comes back negative?

He is prepared to have NC if it is negative. I think it will be hard on him but he says he will get over it.

He has tried to talk to her about me being there for the visits and she threatens to take him to court if he pushes the issue. SHe will sue us for more money then we are already giving her. He then backs off because he is so afraid of going to court. but he is enivitably scarficing our marriage to stay out of court. this is something I am going to really push for once the test results come back. I just can't take it any more with the way the vists are now.

scooter3377-

Honestly I would go to court. They will not make you give more than you could afford. Here in NY it is 17% of his pay plus half of daycare and medical expenses. If that child lived in your house I think it would cost you more.

He should not be afraid of going to court. I understand it is intimidating but it has to be done for leaglity sake.

Was your paternity test court ordered?

[This message edited by Kristine at 1:18 PM, August 10th (Thursday)]

I completely agree with what is being said. Someone here had once said that legally the OW CANNOT keep the BS from being there with the child. It is sad that these pathetic women have to use an innocent child as a pawn. But it really does come down to the WS putting his foot down and telling the OW how it is. It's bad enough that life had to shit on us this way, but we do not deserve to have this other piece of trash, OW, continue to try to dictate our lives. The WS has a tough choice to make, be man enough to stand by us, the BS, and our life together, or continue to give in to this OW. He has to be prepared that if this OW doesn't back off then he would have to go no contact and its a lose lose situation for her.

Ladies, it is so important for us to continue to empower ourselves. We have already made the hardest and most difficult decision already, which is to stay in this situation. Staying after the betrayal is hard enough as it is, staying when there is an OC is emotionally unbearable, and if the OW can't be put in her place..the R will be nearly impossible. We have made the tough choice and the ultimate sacrifice...it is now up to the BS to figure out which side he is on.

My thoughts are with you all my friends. But we have to remember that we are now stronger people because of this and don't ever underestimate your strenth!

I totally agree with what was said. Visitation should not be with the OW present, there should never be contact with her unless BS is present. As for going to court, I am afraid that is a necessary evil b/c we are not dealing with moral people here, after all if their was an morality we wouldn't need this thread. I am not trying to tell anyone here what to do, all I am saying is that enough is enough. How much are we to put up with, how much shit do we eat daily? If the OW insists on being present then I too would be present and if she doesn't like it she can kiss my ass. If she chooses not to let the father see the child then maybe that is what his sacrifice in life is. If any women does that then they have just proven to us what we already know and that they are in it for the money and not the best interests of the child. So why are expected to have to deal with this and think of the best interests of the child. My H has chosen NC with either and I tell you that if he did choose it would be with me by his side and not in her presence. Otherwise he can just pack his things and have NC with me and our two kids. I personally have had enough, today is the anniversary of our d-day and I am fed up of this bullshit. Just my opinion.

Amen to all. Each of you hit part of the nail square on the head. These OW feel that they are ENTITLED to all the benefits w/ none of the sacrifices. Apparently all the years we've each spent w/ our H's, supportive, loving years, mean jack $hit b/c lo and behold, SHE had a baby. Big f-ing deal!!!

Empowerment is key. I can only speak for myself but when I start to freak out and then read this thread, you ladies calm me down.

Twokids - she's wacked but we obviously knew that. Considering what we know about the judge (we have the same one) I highly think he's going to aware her $6K per month based on his track record. You are always in my prayers.

As for our OW, don't know if she took the OC for the DNA test or not. I suppose I won't know until we get the results. Next court date is after Labor day, then H is gone for 2 weeks overseas and I meet him in Paris (yippee!). I can't wait. I'm taking advantage of the vacation while we still have the $$ in the bank. It's $$ I don't have to pay to her! Besides, I deserve a vacation after all the crap I've gone through since October 2005.

Come hell or high water, I'll need you ladies when the DNA is in. Thank goodness you're here even if our mutual circumstances suck.

Best to all,

BW

I agree totally with all the above! We will be renegotiating our own contact with OC soon, I'm sure. H has seen OC a handful of times, never alone with OW--in the hospital, at day care, and then once when I got to "meet" the baby. Of course, she says that's the last time I can be around OC. And it's time to tell her in our case that I will be a part of this child's life whether she likes it or not. And she will not.

My H is afraid he will not be able to see OC if we confront her so forcefully--but hasn't come up with any other ideas. Maybe at day care only, but it will have to be without her stopping in from work to see baby, and H of course. We haven't done the court thing either, for complicated reasons involving another country. H is really worried about the baby, growing up without a father and in such a non-ideal way--I am sorry that this child won't have a full time father, but he could have a part-time father and family with us if OW would grow up and stop being so neurotic.

So ours is also a story in progress--reading here is so helpful and supportive--and it's so true that it's bad enough dealing with the betrayal, staying after the betratal, and dealing with an OC. Give us all a break!

Hi Guys,

I just wanted you to know that I have read all the most recent posts today, agree with what so many of you are saying, and wish you all the best of luck in your upcoming DNA nightmares/challenge.

I'm really thinking about you all on a daily basis, and hoping you find some peace.

(((Hugs)))

I don't like the fact that any child should grow up without their father, it breaks my heart. HOWEVER, we BS did not create this so why are WE expected to accept the fact that our H's have to meet the OW demands if they want to be fathers? They the OW should be getting the short end of the stick on this not us, we already got the short end of the stick. The men also need to accept their roles, if they were so concerned about how these children were to be reared then they should have thought twice, three times about their actions. I can only speak for my idiot H who got a get out of Jail card 6 month into the affair when she had an abortion because she wasn't sure if it was his but then kept the affair going for another 2 years until she got knocked up again and this time she kept it because she was sure it was his. And after putting up and dealing with that I have to deal with a neurotic bitch for the rest of my life. Give me a break!!!

If the courts in the future are involved, at that point, given her vindictive history.... the courts could say she has created an environment of "parental alienation" and they might take the child away from her and place him in our full custody with her having to pay us CS ! Now wouldn't that be the karma bus rolling over her contemptable soul!

OW like her are damaged" people to begin with......

They "pine for years" over their "Lost lovers", ...My husband's OW was frustrated beyond all belief that given what "they" had done I did not divorce his sorry ass ( But she wanted him ?)...that was her ultimate plan, that was what she wanted me to do !..So, I refused to give her what she wanted ...and I gave the divorce choice over to my husband, for now.... of course he didn't want one. This was the only "legal" means of me slapping her in the face...My husband had to show her exactly where he stood.

She got what she deserved by his hands,...not mine...and Until the day comes when she "proves he is the father"...I am loading up my trousseau for Divorce !

[This message edited by lunnychick at 5:57 PM, January 25th (Thursday)]

lunnychick,

With all due respect....I've read some of your posts in Dr. Phil and all of them here.

Are you trying to be happy, or just seeking revenge on the OW? Do you want to stay with your H, or do you just not want to let the OW have him?

Don't take this wrong, but even though our H's did a stupid thing, I have found that remaining bitter and making him feel like I could "walk" at any moment is no way to try and repair a marrige.In fact, the constant threat of divorce to a spouse that is trying to now do the right thing is very de-stabilizing to the marriage.

I'm actually hesitant to submit this message, as it is not my intent to rile you even more, but I simply felt it necessary to suggest throttling back on the big D issue if your H is really trying to R, as he appears to be doing.Even if you are not actually voicing your intentions I would imagine he can sense them.

Of course, if you feel that your WS is *not* doing his share to repair the M then that is another thing. Obviously, only you can make that determination.

Take care.

Gee, betrayed...Don't you think I am trying to be happy, trying to do the right things for me and my family, trying to take the road less traveled but harder than just throwing in the towel ?...but when there is constant evidence of attempted continued contact by the OW and the WS keeps denying he spoke to her, ... when there is still looming an OC "in question", with big issues that she the OW won't resolve and the WS can't resolve legally or won't resolve, emotionally....Me always reconsidering D is not that illogical. I constantly have the need to self protect first, even though I love my husband..which in some way confounds me ...that I could love him but rationally "know I shouldn't !...it can get very confusing ?..everything you are trying to do by staying in the marriage is thrown into question...i believe I have been seriously "mind phucked" and probabally so emotionally abused that maybe by expressing my feelings over things not in my control... IS somehow "out of line" ?..and confusing to anybody reading my opinions...

Everyone has told me to get out of the marriage! Why can't I....? That is why I have to work my way out of this chaos.."if it comes to that'. My husband "says he wants the marriage and pulls me back in doubting myself and actions constantly....

This situation is so complex...but lots of the articles I've been reading here have helped me cut through "the fog"...something I didn't get over at Dr. Phil.

I am not seeking revenge per say on the OW, but if that is how it looks and how she feels about it..then that is the karma bus she asked for !...I thought I was empowering myself by my actions...Tough love...etc..."if it doesn't work out..I will be okay...I just have done what i thought was best for me given the complex legal consequences.

If my husband wants to be destabilized by my actions..he should have thought about that before "donating his services". Sorry, but WS and Ow put me in such a difficult position...that it's too bad, if "ultimately" they'll pay the consequenses of their actions....I am only resposible for my choices in how I handle the cards dealt to Me...No ?

As his actons are not clear and he is not honest*( *or I don't believe him, when it comes to him covering himself where the OW is concerned as the his past histroy tells me to be doubting...) I am always reevaluating the situation......this is the emotional rollercoster that continues when "issues" go unresolved ! I have been trying to resolve them ! But I am probabally a fool , just what everyone else thinks of me by trying to cope with this Crap !

But thanks fo your thoughts....

Why are my motives "so" questioned,,,when it's their motives that really invite the "tough deep introspective questions"?