SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank god for this support thread and an amazing group of strong women that are on here.

I read that the trouble right now is not that I can't make a decison but that I can't quit making them.

And that is so true. One day I want the divorce yesterday and then the next I am missing him so much I want to run to him and hold him and tell him everything will be fine, we will make it. But then there are those days that I get sick and go crazy thinking that he did this to me and my daughter and brought another child in the world that wasn't with me when we have been trying so long, and wanting a boy too and that is what the OW had. And gave him the name I wanted.

I don't know, just don't know.

(((hugs))) to all the women that are on here...

Kristine, I am due in February. She is due in December. Which just eats me up!

Arkwoman, for me the deciding factor was 1) He had no emotional attachment to this OW. He viewed her (and this is horrible but in a way it makes me feel better) as one step removed from a prostitute. It was somewhere to find sexual release without owing her anything. and 2) I refuse to let 8 years of a loving relationship (yes, even with the problems our relationship was loving and, for the most part, good) over a three month fling with a woman who claimed to be unable to bear children. The only reason she got pg (and Im not believing she is until we know a kid was born adn the paternity is proven) was because she thought she could give him what I could not (we struggled with infertility for 5 years). She figured that if got pg, he would leave me for her and she would have the prize! She didn't get that he desperately wanted a baby but a baby with ME, not just with anyone.

Kristine-

I too have grappled with contacting the OW to find out information. I have talked to her but only because she called me wanting to know why I wasn't mad at my husband (which I am but I just didn't throw him out), told me that she loves him and wants to be with him and that he says he loves her (which he claims he doesn't and doesn't tell her that) and is torn between me and our son and her and their daughter(DNA still not proven yet- in process)(he is not torn- he wants to be with me). But now, I want to tell her what I think baout her. how I think she is a worthless pices of s*&t that is out to wreck marriages and how she has no respect for my husband, myself, her daughter or my son or marriage vows and a whole lot more.

I hate this woman for what she has done to my marriage- i realize that it takes two to tango and my H is not innocent in this but she persued a married man and soem how played on his vulerablites and convinced him that it was okay to sleep with her multiple times. I believe she got pregnant on purpose in hopes that he would leave me because I wasn't pregnant yet. What is helping me though is somehting I read in someone elses post somewhere- I should pity her instead of hate her. that it takes too much energy to hate someone and she is not worth it. I should pity her becuase I have what she wants and she won't get it and she couldn't find anyone better to mess around with than a married man. so instead of calling and venting my hatred to her I am workign on trying to turn it into pity.

I know you just want to have some info on the baby and nothing else it sounds like but i just wanted to tell you this because if you find out that this child is your h's, you may have the same feelings about this woman that I do and while they are justified I believe, they are not constructive or productive feelings when it comes to trying to R with your H and find some closure on the A.

It has only been 5 months for me. I found out when the child was already 7 months old and my H is attached to her and wants to continue to be involved if it is proven that she is his.

I wish you luck and hope that you continue to read postings in this thread. It has started to help me in dealing with the OW and OC and I hope it will continue to help and will continue to help you too.

Scooter, sounds like you and I have a similar story. She thought she was giving him what i could not. And it was a bad gamble.

I want to be like you in trying to turn it into pity, but she has done so much to make me determined to hate her, that I find it almost impossible to allow for anything else. This OW isn't going down without a fight. She doesn't know yet that H wants nothing to do with the kid. I'm sure she is still thinking that, once it's here (especially if it's a boy), that he will suddenly turn to her. That is NOT happening. Guaranteed.

I look forward to reading more of your posts. Maybe you can motivate me to change my POV.

I've not spoken to the OW and am desperately trying not to. I know she will feed on anything that she thinks will win her her trophy. If she thinks I'm ticked, she will try to continue to anger me to supply that straw that will do in the camel. If she thinks that she is wedging herself between us, she will stop at nothing to make sure it's complete. And I won't give it to her. NO WAY!!

iknowiamnotalone

Like I said- I am trying to turn my hatred into pity. if i am successful i will let you know. It is hard because i would not be going through this if she had taken NO for an answer from my H. (he said No quite a few times he said before he gave into temptation). This is why I hate her and not my H. he never went out looking for an A- she offered it too him and he eventually took it.

I would love to tell her how I feel about her but it will make things worse if I do and she is not worth the energy (or so I keep trying to convince myself).

we want her to eventually allow my H to visit his child without her around- maybe bring her to our home (which will be hard for me at first but the child is innocent in this too so I will not be mean to her). so if i lash out at her, I know our chances of getting visitation at our house will be impossible. SO I have to work on changing my feelings about her. I will however- NEVER FORGIVE HER!!!

My husband and the OW in our case had agreed on CS a couple of weeks because she was desperate for money and it is still in the courts. She was suppose to go to child services and have them draw up the agreement. Well, yesterday he called child support services and was told that she did not agree to the $400 they discussed, she still wants $700 which on his income he can't afford. I had filled out an expenses declaration and sent it in which I was upset that I had to do because it is his mess he should clean it up. Well come to find out that here in Ca., my income puts him in a higher tax bracket and uncle Sam wants his first so according to that he is only obligated to pay her $290, that is what the bitch gets. He on the other hand was a little surprised and very mad that she didn't do like she told him she was going to. That just made me laugh, what an idiot. I told him has she ever done anything she was suppose to do? I truly believe that she got pg on purpose bc he would tell her that he wanted to save his family and she figured if she gave him a child that would make it easier for him to leave, that and she thought he was going to be her sugar daddy. Little did she know that my income has afforded him the nice car he drives and the beautiful house she would come over to was all mine and know he makes $12 and hour and according to the law will only have to give her $290, go ahead live it up on that bitch is what I say. I just wanted to share that to assure all of us in pain that what comes around goes around and the OW in our situations will be worse off. There is justice and he sits and watches over us each and every day. Amen!

Overdone, that's too funny!! Used to be, before all of this, I would have thought it was all sad. But now, I've become a much meaner person. Sigh. Good for you!!

If she is, and it's his, we're looking at close to $1500 a month. Luckily, my income won't come into it, or it could have been so much worse.

$1500 a month...gosh, that is a damn tough pill to swallow. at that rate, i would have prefered to have paid for a damn prostitute they would have been much cheaper than my FWS damn ONS with this stupid OW. currently we pay $300/month...she lives on welfare. i have the higher income and due to business circumstances in his life we have always kept things separate. this OW is a low-life, if we ever got to the point of paying $1,000/month she would probably never choose to work. in her life and in her world...living on welfare and getting $1k in CS is the perfect life.

so something i dont get...my FWS's brother and family is visiting from out of the country. they saw the OC last week and this week we agreed to have the OC on fri night. well i get a msg from fWS if we can get him tonite since his brother is leaving at the end of this week. well, of course i get pissed b/c i am out of town and why does his family have to be so stupid. no sympathy! his father and step father both have their own OC's out there but i dont see his mother out there embracing them...damn hypocrite. oh..then his other brother a few weeks ago saw the baby for the 1st time and spent 10 mins raving about how the OC looks just like FWS and how it look like OC may grow up to be a soccer player too..blah..blah..then he had the audacity to turn to me and say..."well, the baby actually looks a little like you too" can you believe the nerve! f*ckn idiot! i turned to him and said..."well didnt you here i was there that night..i held the bitches legs back while FWS was screwing her." okay...okay...so i didnt say the 2nd part about holding her legs back...but damn i should have! i don't get it. why are they all being so stupid.

you know what is funny though? at the end of the day...i'm the bad guy. they will point me out as the bad buy b/c i'm denying this poor innocent child of the opportunity to spend time with "family"...f*ck what the hell do they know about family.

sorry guys...i know i'm ranting on right now. we had a good weekend and a good couple of days...and right now i just feel like everything is weighing down on me again...i'm having one of those spiraling out of control moments...

Hi all! Had a few days worth of posts to catch up on. For those of you who have ultimately decided NOT to contact OW, KUDOS TO YOU! In the end you will be glad you chose this path; I know I am. The OW are pond scum, plain and simple. They will use and twist anything and everything, even going so far as to use their own OC as a bargaining chip. It's absolutely disgusting.

Quick update on us...H went yesterday and took the DNA test. I wasn't aware of it, but here in NY the person accused of being the "father" in court has to pay for the OW and OC to be tested as well! God that pissed me off! She started this, she should have to pay for her and the OC. So...H went to the bank, got a money order and trekked to the place for a q-tip cheek swab.

I told him quite some time ago that every last penny spent on anything related to the OW/OC would also be put into an account for me and our someday child. So...I'm taking the funds spend on this fricking test and putting them into a separate savings account I'll set up. Oh...and the $5K lawyer retainer is going to be matched into my account as well.

I'm trying guys. I really am. But lately I feel so gypped. I was cheated out of months of my H's affection. I endured the humiliating experience of breaking down in from of my OB/GYN and telling him the situation and asking to be tested for every nasty STD out there. I've cried I don't know how many tears - alone, on the phone to my Chicago shrink, to my best friends, to you online, to one of you in person. When does the pain go away?

I asked H today (as we sat at the dermatologist's office) if he felt weird (I really meant ashamed) when he went for the test and he said no. I think I understand his perspective...the test is a means to an end. Once and for all we will know if what she said is true - H is the father. It also gives him ammunition to use against her in court if it comes to that. For me, with the 1 year anniversary of the day she supposedly got pregnant looming, makes me feel like shit. How many times do I have to get a daily reminder that my H cheated and possibly fathered a child w/ a piece of trash like her instead of w/ me?

Some days I think I'm one good cry away from losing my mind.

BW

PS - Cat33 it was good to see you resurface...hugs to you!

BW,

Hang in there girl. You are having what I call a "dark blue" day (as opposed to light blue, pink, light pink,red, maroon, etc.)H and I communicated with color coded emails so he could gauge my mood when we "conversed" from so far away.

I know how you feel with regard to the DNA test...you dread the results yet need them, to get on with your life somehow. I remember having one of my *worst* days when H went to have his cheek swabbed. I drew up into the fetal position on the sofa and quietly imploded. As you know, in our case, the OW refused to follow through with the test after agreeing to it initially, and since CS had ended it became a moot point. You also know from earlier posts that I am SO glad she did, as she can now go to her grave knowing she had the chance to prove paternity scientifically and did not.

I recap that briefly as a means to illustrate that I don't find it surprising that you are feeling the way you are at the moment. Even though you have obviously been dealing with a lot already, the real "nuts and bolts" of the situation are beginning to fall into place; the reality and practical aspects of it, both financially and emotionally.

It's expect it's going to be like another gut kick when those results come in, so brace yourself. However, like going to the dentist and having a tooth pulled you should feel better once it is done. Not much consolation, I know, but I wanted to let you know that I hear you, and have felt your pain.

It will get better. It has to.

(((hugs)))

Betrayed-

I pray that it comes back negative. I know that the day we got the results was by far one of the worst, second only to d-day, even though I already knew in my heart to see it on paper was absolutely devasting. It would be so awesome if it was negative. Hang in there.

Betrayed, I pray so much for you and everyone else there that is waiting for DNA test results that they come back negative. I haven't yet made it to that stage. It seems like a lot of us on here tried for so long to get preg and then find out about our WH's A with OW then OC. I know we have tried for 4 years and then I find this out. And then a boy on top of that. We already have a girl and that is what he wanted so bad. And she named the freakin kid the same name I wanted to name MY son. H says we can still have one of our own, right now I don't want him to touch me with a ten foot pole. He screwed in the dry cleaners for goodness sake. And knew he was going there right by walmart, hello CONDOMS!!! She got preg on purpose, or that is what she is telling people. But he says it only happened twice. And she is married too......

BW--

Hang in there. How many days do you have to wait? If I remember correctly, we waited about a week. It was a very long one. I remember how tough the waiting was, and just keep pushing that thought out of my head that it was negative, because I was afraid of the letdown. At this point, you think the child is your H's, so continue with that assumption, this is just one more thing proving it. Try not to let it be a surprise. If it turns out to be negative, well, what a wonderful gift!!!

For me and H, finding out that the OC was his, was in some ways anti-climatic. We had waited so long to get moving on closure to the situation and getting the test allowed us to start the CS process, and made us realize that the OW is no longer in total control. Remember, not only does your H have obligations--he has rights! He may choose not to pursue those rights, but no matter what OW does or wants, she can't deny them to him. It is a kind of power that you can finally gain over the situation.

It is so day to day, and coming to terms with that was my biggest difficulty. Things may be settled today, or for the next year, and then it may crop up again. Our IC/MC told us to think of OW and the situation like it is herpes!! Pretty humorous, but it has helped us deal with it.

It is really such a shame how OW use their children as pawns to either try and get a man that they want, or as a financial means. In our case, OW thinks that she should be supported like an ex-wife, and that her child is entitled to anything she wants, on my H's money, just because she wants it. There is absolutely no sense of responsibility or reality. Our case is turning into a full blown court trial, at an enormous expense--after the judge told OW that the settlement agreement offered was MORE than fair, and that she would not do as well allowing the courts to decide. In some ways I'm glad, because it takes it off my H's back to try to be fair and always be hounded for more.

I just want to get this piece of it behind us--still months to go, I think. It is so unfortunate.

Hugs to you all....you are strong.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 7:13 AM, August 2nd (Wednesday)]

I realize that some of you may not venture out of this forum.

We have a BS FAQ project and there are two questions regarding OC's...below is the link, please take a look and if anyone is interested in providing answers to the two questions regarding OC's, please let me know

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=114610

Thanks!!

DS

twokidsmomny-

Thank you so much for those words. They put things into perspective. MC went okay eysterday. It was painful but he knows he has certain things he needs to do to help me heal. The issue I am having now is getting his PIN number for his cell phone voice mail. The counselor said he must share that with me. He needs to know he has to be an open book about everything now. Voice mails included. He can change the PIN at a later date. I am going to give him a few days to decide then approach it again.

He is doing everything else I have asked him. He is having STD testing done today and Friday. Todays was negative. Thank God. He is also going back to couseling with me next week. He wants to make this work.

iknowiamnotalone-

We received the DNA testing kit in the mail today so we can proceed as soon as the child arrives. I am going to dread the month of August. I have been combing the cell records to find out when the ONS was. The date I have is Dec.8. I thought originally 11/30 but the event happened on a Thursday night. 11/30 was a Wednesday. H told me it was in Novemeber after Thanksgiving. Well it could not have been since there was no Thursday after Thanksgiving. He told the MC is was a couple weeks after Thanksgiving. H was not sure. The date I have found is 12/8. If she was 7 weeks pregnant right before the holiday then the baby is not his. But we will do the testing to be sure.

I am trying to concentrate on us right now. I cannot change the fact that she is pregnant. I am trying to work on him and me.

scooter3377-

I decided not to contact her. I need to concentrate on my marriage right now. I cannot focus on her and her baby. However the month of August is going to be a bear for me. That is when she is due.

I know that if the child is his, he will not desert the baby.

BetrayedWife-

We are going to do a home paternity test first. The OW is not being a PITA about this. She jsut know we are going to do one. I know in NY if we do ultimately go to court, DH will admit to paternity at that point if our home results come out positive.

Thanks to all for your words of support. They mean so much to me...you will never know how much. Special thanks to those of you who have been through DNA hell and lived to tell about it. I appreciate you sharing your pain at the risk of suffering through it all over again through me.

Here's our situation - H was told by our atty to get DNA test done by 8/11. He went on Monday. He had to pay for OW and OC to be tested as well b/c he is contesting/questioning paternity in a court of law. That one item just frosts me...seems to me that if OW claims it SHE should pay for test but apparently the suspected father is guilty until proven innocent in our country...

So...he went for test and then called our atty and left a message that he had his sample taken (cheek swab). Ball is now in OW court to schlep her and the kid to Brooklyn to get her test done. Why Brooklyn? No clue but that's where it's done.

So...we wait. I don't know what her due date is but I get the impression from H that our atty will call hers and then it's her responsibility to go get the test done. Once she and OC are tested it takes 4 weeks. Twokidsmomny...I don't know why it takes so long. I know you and I are in the same area so maybe you can shed some light on that for me...

That said, the results will be back around Labor Day if not sooner. Goal is to have them back before the next court date of 9/8. Add to that that the alleged conception took place around the last weekend of August. I'm dreading that date but am trying to concentrate on the fact that it's my sister's bday first and not the the date that my H potentially impregnated a piece of white trash who can't spell in an email to save her life. Sorry but I truly hate this woman and do not feel ashamed or embarassed to say so.

So once again we wait and I remain one step away from a complete nervous breakdown. I was pleasantly surprised that the birth was a non-event like TKMNY said. I knew OW was pregnant. I knew the kid had to come out. I was very pleased that the actual birth date was not our anniversary or any other date of significance. I question the plausibility of my H being the father based on when he claims their last sexual encounter was and the birth date. I guess it's a moot point now b/c it was almost a year ago and who remembers?

Thank you dear friends for listening and your prayers. If this kid turns out not to be my H's, then the drinks are on me!

Love to all,

BW

Hang in there BW. Me thinks the next four weeks are going to seem like an eternity.

BTW...I answered DS request for the FAQ info, so you guys are all off the hook!!!