SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The anxiety of all of it. Wondering everyday about that OC.

[This message edited by lunnychick at 6:00 PM, January 25th (Thursday)]

lunny,

Yes, I see where you are coming from, and appreciate your candor. I just wanted to mention what I did because, if I am understanding it correctly, you have been laboring under this burden for over five years. That is a long time for such emotional turmoil with no resolution.

Others on this thread are also struggling, but I don't think it has gone on unabated for as long as it has in your case. And I hope for all of them that there *is* a quicker resolution.

I guess what I'm trying to say is try not to make your situation a "lifestyle", as it is no way to live. You appear to be pretty focused on what is going on, so hopefully you will figure out what you will and will not tolerate in time, so you can get on with your life. I certainly understand where a waffling/possibly untruthful spouse muddies the waters for you though.

Take care.

lunny,

I posted my response before I saw your second post to me.

Since my H had NC whatsoever with OW/OC I can not speak to what OC grew up believing. I do know that OW continues to insist he has a place in our lives, which he does not.

SHE made her choice to have the child; my H had none. Therefore, the boy was raised without a father in a lesbian household. We have sent legally drawn up NC letters to both of them, stating that any further contact (we don't think the OC actually has any intention of contacting us despite the OW's belligerance on the matter)will be viewed as harrassment and punishable under the laws of our state.

We all know the OCs are innocent victims also. It is good for you to have compassion for his situation, but perhaps unhealthy for you to stess out overly much for a situation you can not change (that being whatever thoughts the OW plants in the OC's head). I *absolutely* hear you wrt the OC's possible anger, etc. being deflected at you. It's one of the reasons we took the action we did to discourage contact with us.

(going away again now for the weekend)

[This message edited by BeeTrayed at 11:07 AM, August 11th (Friday)]

Beetrayed..have a good weekend....Doesn't it just go to show that... you never know what you are going to do when faced with obstacales in life...It's easy to "talk the talk"...it is another thing when one has to "walk the walk". Every situation is different and unique...yet there is some lesson we can learn from every example.

Maybe my posts can help someone else not make my mistakes, if they think I have done things wrong...There are many paths to the top of the mountain...only then can you reflect on the merits of your journey.

hi guys i haven't posted in a while but forgive me i have been checking in though.it's hard to see new people but i'm glad you all found a wonderful place for support.the ow just emailed my h about her kid.they have not had contact since she blew the nasty cover off their ugly secret in feb.she claimed she was filing for support which in her case she would also have to do paternity.my h is in iraq right now so he doesn't check his emails as often.i believe she is stalling for paternity and her last email she sent a picture of oc.this time she's claiming how he has red hair b/c my h had red hair when he was a kid.i think she's trying to bypass paternity and guilt him into signing birth certificate w/out it.i need your advice girls!!! my h has made it clear to her that he is committed to our marriage and he wants no contact with her and her kid except fo possible cs.should i email her and reiterate or would that just fire her up even more.she has not filed since her threat in feb b/c there is no record except for birth that she filed for cs in her county. please tell me what to do????!!!!

As many of us have mentioned before in the above posts. After all that has happened, empower yourself. Especially since it sounds like your WS is focused on R and does not want anything to do with the OW +/- the OC. Responding to her tactfully and civilly (although I know it is difficult to want to be even civil towards these women)would make it clear to her that you and your H are standing together as one. I don't think repeating to her what your H has already said would hurt anyone. Yes, it may piss her off, but remember, you and your H are a package deal. If she doesn't like it, boo-phucken who, get on w/your damn pathetic life then. If she is so certain that the OC is his, then she should be the 1st to run out for a DNA test. If you go back into this thread, someone had posted a great list of things to do and not do in these situations. For example, do not sign or pay anything until a DNA test has been completed. At the same time though, prepare yourself for the news that the OC is indeed his and then you guys can stand strong in future steps together. I am so sick and tired of hearing these stories about these damn pathetic other women...freakin A!! I wish to god I could understand their psychology in all of this.

Lunnychick - i just wanted to say that i feel and understand your frustration. each and every one of us have a unique and different situation. we all come here for a sense of honest and support and we have all been betrayed, whether it was 20 yrs ago or last week. the hurt is the same. my d-day was 4/20/06 and although our R has been coming along, there are days and moments when i find myself prepared to leave. we all have our good days and bad days...there are days when i wonder if i'm deliberately trying to sabotage the relationship. i love him more than anything on earth and i want nothing more than to simply be happy...but as we all know being happy really isnt all that easy. so keep your head up and vent all you want. we all do what we have to do to survive and protect ourselves.

grll,

Have you contacted an attorney? She is harassing you and if she's spreading information you H is the father and it turns out not to be true, well, then that's SLANDER! If you have an attorney, then politely reply that any further contact is to go through your attorney and include his/her name and phone number.

We went this route and eventually the intellectually-challenged slut got the message.

Other options are to change his email address, set up a rule to automatically move her emails to a folder (save everything in case you need it for court!). Is she married? Have you contacted her spouse?

Best of luck to you.

Hi ladies..I wanted to add a comment about empowering ourselves...which is about standing up for ourselves...even if it costs us in the long run. Emotional Tough love stuff.

I also think you have to reward yourself for dealing with such a horrible situation.

I have been dealing with this emotional drama for over 5 years now....On my 1st anniversary D-Day...I gave myself an expensive item, and trip..the next year, it was "not as expensive a piece of jewelry"...the next year another investment in myself...something that could be taken with me even though the marriage might fail. ... every time I look at my collection (gifts to myself...which H payed for)well, I feel I replaced a bad memory day with some reward for staying in the M.

Anyway each D-day that pasted was not as tramatic..I didn't need the reward as much.....This was not about punishing him it was about rewarding me for "good behavior"...Does this make sense...Maybe it will help you too...Because in life there is always the risk-reward ratio.

Call me selfish..but maybe now is the time to be selfish as long as their is no measurable harm to others !

hey bw... no she's not married and he can't change his email b/c it's a military email.it's the only one they let them use over there.he believes she's stalling for the same reason i do and we did not eeven talk about it before but he said to me one day that for as long as we have been married and the fact that my d and him look so much alike it would be nothing but a trip to the dna center if he asked me for one.i told him he was right but lets expect the worse and hopefully be happily surprised.she's also military and that makes me wonder about her stalling too. maybe she thinks it might some back on her, the living proof of their affair and all.she is a single mother of 3 now 4 so i can actuall see her possible dilemna.however beyond that why all the forcing him to have a relationship he doesn't want. it's soooo desperate but i guess that was her original m.o .i had even offered to her to have my daughter tested but she refused.he only left a month ago so she had 6 months to file.he's so confident that he doesn't want to pay for dna so he wants her to file for two reasons.make the court pay for it and have her embarrass herself.he claims he wasn't the only one she was sleeping with and he certainly was not the only mm.let's just hope he wasn't the only idiot to not use a condom

I am so pissed right now. A few weeks ago the OW called desperate for money, bc the case is still in court he has not been paying CS. They are waiting on her to turn in daycare info to complete the case, they have sent out the paperwork twice to her and she still hasn't filled it out. My thought is grandma is taking care of the baby and she still wants him to pay daycare even though she doesn't. Anyways she called desperate for money and she agreed to $400 a month, she was suppose to go to the CS agency and let them know so that paperwork could be drawn up. Well surprise surprise when he called CS and they said that she would not agree to the $400, yet another lie. She also told him he needed to get ins. bc she didn't have any, apparently she cancelled hers bc she couldn't afford it. The child has been hospitalized at least once for some time of respiratory problem and you cancel your ins. I told him that is another lie she has ins. Anyways he gets paperwork from the CS agency concerning the payment he made for July and on it, it specifically stated in the arrears area and he was current. We discussed it and he agreed not to make another payment until things were resolved, esp bc she is dragging her feet. Because of the affair i couldn't live in the same house and same town so I moved to where my parents are and bought my own house, he followed and the house we own together has been on the market for a year now. It has been in escrow 3 times and each time fell out. So we have had 2 mortgage payments which is wearing thin on me to be so financially tight. I make more money then him and all he has paid is 1/2 of the mortgage where we used to live. This morning I asked him if he got paid and he said yes. I told him I was going to make a mortgage payment, he proceeds to tell me that he sent in $400 to CS and will be short 100 on the mortgage. I asked him why he did that and he told me that he didn't want to get behind in his CS. I asked him if it was that or was it to clear his concious, he told me it was probably more to clear his concious. I said thats great we cant make our payments but your conciuos is clear and her bills are paid. That is F***king great. I feel so betrayed again, it is all about him and her and F**k me and our kids. Also he apparently spoke to her lawyer which is her aunt and she is suppose to be the go between, he called to get info about the OC to get ins. and the lawyer told him that she had ins. she has always had ins. so he will just have to reimburse the OW. I said so she lied again. His exact response was "I gave her the benefit of the doubt", can you believe that shit. I asked him when if ever has she told the truth. He couldn't answer. I asked him to leave, this isn't R anymore as far as I am concerned. It is all about her and his concious. He never once asked me if we were ok on finances, which we are not. If I have to pay all the bills I might as well do it and have peace. He can go back to her and the OC that way he will definetely have a clear concious. I am rambling and my spelling is getting worse. Sorry but I just had to get this off my chest.

grll247....

If there is no DNA confirmation , nor a "declaration of paternity" by your H...Your husband must never act "as if" he is the parent...otherwise he could be on the hook legally...just for "assuming and acting like he is the parent". No agreements about money at all...nothing...The burden is on the OW to prove paternity !..Be careful about all actions, do not admit anything...do talk to an attorney, let him deal with her...go online to something like "find law"...and look up your state's governing statutes in family codes, make sure your attorney is competent by asking questions regarding what the codes of your state say..Read them yourselves...some codes override other codes.

grll247,

I would put the burden of proof on the OW. Let her file the papers and request DNA testing. Until then, H should ignore her emails (put them in a folder in case you ever need them in court). I'm not sure how military court works (been a long time since my H was in the service - long before we knew each other). However, I would assume that the military does not look kindly on harassment. If worse came to worse, your H could request that she be told to stop harassing him and take him to court if she's so sure of the paternity. In the mean time, it sounds like he is committed to you, your daughter and reconciliation. Take advantage of that and work WITH him to rebuild your relationship.

Twokidsmomny recently said that she and her H are not putting one more ounce of energy into OW and her ridiculous demands. I try very hard to do the same. In my case, OW is not contacting us but we are involved in court (the very beginning). The $$ going out the door to defend ourselves against this gold-digger kills me, but I look at it as money well spent if we can get her out of our lives for good.

I can't control her actions and likewise you cannot control the OW's actions in your case. As I'm fond of saying "You can't change other people, you can only change your exposure to them." So...cut her off at the knees. No contact, no acknowledgement of the child, no money, no anything. Her 4 children are her responsibility, not yours. And if the latest one turns out to be your H's, nothing says he has to be a "dad" to the child. He can always pay CS under the law and fulfill his legal obligation. Period.

I hope this helps and gives you strength. If you ever want to "chat", just PM me.

Best to you in sunny HI! (I'm so jealous!)

Hugs,

BW

grll247.

From the internet...

As of 2003, alienation of affection appears to be a viable cause of action in these states:

Hawaii

Illinois

Mississippi

New Hampshire

New Mexico

North Carolina

South Dakota

Utah

Perhaps you can sue the OW for alienation of affection? I would certainly hold that ace up my sleeve for the big battle!

Best,

BW

{{{Overdone}}}

Yeah, that would send me over the edge as well.

The OW is pregnant and due this month. She is applying for medicaid and needs to establish the paternity of the child (my H or her BF).

We offered to do the paternity testing once the child is born. Of course this decision was made by me when I found out about the OC.

So should we do it ourselves and forkout the money as soon as the baby is born or should we wait until we wait until she contacts the state for the welfare money and have her do it?

Kristine,

If a woman gets state aid for a pregnancy/child, most states will assist her in determining the paternity of the child. That means that she pays NOTHING and that the district atty/family court system is working for her for free. If you take the initiative and file a request for paterntity before she does normally the state will no longer assist her and she will have to seek her own counsel i.e. pay for an attorney herself.

Check with your FAMILY LAW attorney to make sure your state follows this procedure. Having an atty that specializes in family law is an absolute MUST. Don't let some guy that primarily handles tax law, etc take on a case with repercussions as large as this one will.

Me

Finally, we had a good weekend despite the fact that he went to see the OC with the Ow. (posted this in reconcilation too.)

Saturday he helped me clean the house so that I could start baby-proffing (my son is trying to crawl and pull up). He started out saying that he would help me in the kitchen but instead got up adn watched tv. I started to get mad like I normally do but instead cleaned up the kitchen myself and started rearranging it. I then asked my nicely to vaccum instead so that I could clean the carpets (one of my dogs had an accident on it so I need to steam clean the room). I said that it would be a big help if he woudl do that and he agreed. After cleaning the carpets, we ran some errands together. THen I went over to a friends house for a couple of hours- no big deal Saturday but it was good becuase we didn't fight about his sunday visit like we have in the past.

So Sunday comes. We wake up and almost make love but my son started crying right as we were getting into. We get up and had a good breakfast together and then went for a walk around the neighborhood beofre it got too hot. We then came back and called the OW to schedule the meeting. I tried to call a friend that said she would come over and keep me company but never reached her. As soon as he picked up the phone to call her, i got upset. I didn't fight with him but just shut down. IT hurts for me to even here him on the phone with her.

He leaves at 12:30 to go see the OW adn OC at the mall. I finsih child proofing the kithcen and try to keep my mind occupied with that.

He returns at 3:30 adn proceeds to actualyl tell me everything the discussed. I got mad because of the things she said but didn't get mad at him. He found out that she didn't want to take the paternity test (even though she did anyway) becuaes she was afraid that he was going to take the OC away from her (we have talked about it and he would only do that at this point if she was in danger otherwise we have to be in a better place before we can consider doing that). She said that she was thinking the worst becuase he already hurt her so what else could he do to hurt her. That was what mad me mad- to me she has no right to be hurt- she knew he was married- it was her fault that she got attached. wanna talk about hurt- trying finding out you have been lied to, cheated on, and hid a child for 2 years- her hurt can't be anything compared to what I am going through. There was some other things but I won't go in to that much detail as this post is long enough. He then told me about how the OC can give a kiss goodbye, she can wave, and she can give high five- WHOOPEE!!! that makes me so happy (NOT). It hurt too to hear that and I let him know it did and he actually acknowledged my pain.

We talked for a few more minutes and then we went on with the rest of our evening. He made me dinner (just a forzen skillet meal but its the fact that he cooked it that oc***s) I did the dishes and got my son ready for bed and went to bed myself at 9. He had fallen alseep on the sofa at this point but comes in at 9:30 and kisses me good night.

I must also note that all weekend he was very affectionate towards me- saying I love you many times out of the blue and he initiated the almost sex- where it usually has been me who initiated it.

Long story but my point is that we are starting to make it happen- R that is. I didn't think we would get her but we are moving forward regardless of what turns out with the paternity test (Which I think we should know sometime this week or early next week for sure).

Kristine-

I would have the state fork out the money. in my case my H's mom is paying the almost $600 to have the test done becasue we couldn't afford it. the ow wasn't taking any action that would require the test to be done so if we wanted it done we had to pay for it. so if there is a way for you to not have to pay anything or even to only have to pay half of the test- do it. Now- if she decides that she isn't going to try to get Medicaid then pay for the test yourself because you have to know for sure. Good Luck.

Me&my3-

So if we wait for her to do the paternity through the state of NY, how will this NOT benefit us? I think I am confused.

If we do the initial testing, she will have to forego the family court?

First and foremost check the laws in your state pertaining to paternity as each one is different.

By taking the first steps it puts the ow in the position of having to defend herself not your husband having to defend himself. This can also put your husband in a positive light with the court system should dna confirm that the oc is his. In my state when an ow uses public aid to determine paternity of her child it gives her the district attorney as her own personal attorney and you do not want to go up against the D.A. unprepared. After all was said and done in our case the ow hired an atty not skilled in family law. It cost her dearly because the guy didn't have a clue and the judge told him so.

Often times when an ow is forced to pay for an atty herself she suddenly changes her mind regarding establishing paternity or as in our case she hires a low-cost atty that ultimately works against her.

It pays to take the intiative in these cases as it can cost you dearly if you don't. Do not let the ball be in her court otherwise she will have the upper hand. No matter how you slice this or dice it you are going to suffer a financial burden. It's unavoidable (we're upwards of $15,000 right now). So doing whatever you can in any small way to improve your lot is worth the effort.

If you need further proof of this, check out the marriagebuilders.com website and seek the advice of the oldtimers that still lurk. They will tell you the same thing that I'm telling you. Be proactive not reactive because it's in your best interest to do so. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you and your husband to speak with a family law attorney at the earliest opportunity.

Me