SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

scooter...I don't see why it is "a problem" for both of you to visit the OC with the OW present...this absolutly should be required by your husband of the OW as a condition of a R with the OC or else there will be NC,... call her bluff. If he won't do this for You..it is a big red flag !..Is his R with the OW more important than his R with BS. ??????

...He ought to email or put this request or demand in writing to the OW ....then if the OW refuses..this can be shown to a judge and maybe it will affect obligations.

This OW's attitude can back fire on her legally...as in the eyes of the court she is seen as unwilling to put the interests of the OC ahead of her own. She could lose custody over this...and that is the trump card you must play to not let her manipulate your M.

lunnychick-

you are totally right. I ahve pushed a little for this but not too hard because there is a part of me that is not ready for it. i haven't even seen pictures of this child yet. my h has some hidden from me because I am not ready. much less am i ready to face the OW. i think i might punch her lights out if i meet her.

scooter...Do you think she really wants to see you ? You have to do this to show her she can't become a wedge between your M b/c of the OC...It has to crush the hope she has in her that she-OW and your WS will one day be "a family"....

Your WS has to set the example as well...that this OC will not be a pawn or weapon. You will have to hold your nose and prove to a judge that it is the OW's integrity in question...not yours ! You have to take the high road about the OC....call her bluff..if you are in the picture, she may not want your Ws in her life...Draw bounderies....her actions will prove her intentions...To be a good mother or a spiteful witch. Make her choose by you moving first!

Ladies,

For those of you with husbands that are having contact with oc I cannot stress enough to you how important it is for you to be involved. NOTHING and I do mean NOTHING should be done without your imput.

Visitation with oc should NOT be taking place either with the ow present or without you. Never, ever, ever should your spouse be visiting with the oc & the ow alone. This is not HER visitation time. Too often these situations end with the relationship starting up again. They share this bond, they share the time together and YOU are the outsider looking in. I do know that in the case of infants the father is often not allowed to take the child for extended periods of time and if that is the case then you need a trusted friend or family member to go in your place if you are unable to go yourself. Protect what you have left of your marriage.

Me

Just reading your posts makes me so glad that my H has no desire to see the child or have him/her in his life. I know that sounds awful, but I would not be able to deal with having her manipulating everything, especially with her child due in December and me due in February. I've fought 5 long years to get pregnant, and I don't want anything ruining this joy anymore than it has already been ruined for me.

scooter--as well as those others that H's have contact with OC (I've lost track),

This round of conversation really has me upset. I can only imagine how difficult it is for a BS to have to deal with WS being with OW for visitation with OC. It is not our place to say it shouldn't happen. Many of us are lucky that H doesn't want contact, and perhaps we played a part in that decision, but it is unfair to be hard on those that H's do have contact. Every situation is different. For me, the biggest reason was to protect our two children, who are 7 and 9 and just wouldn't understand. If there were no children from the marriage, I am not sure I wouldn't consider what BW and her H are considering--suing for full custody. If my kids were older, as Bee's are, my kids probably would be told. If the OC were older, things may also be different.

Our problem is not with the OC, but with involvement with the OW and the pain it causes us because of their involvement in the betrayal in our marriage. Continued contact because of an OC makes the wound stay raw and open, casts doubts and does not allow trust to be re-built. For our H's if they do not act completely and totally committed for repairing the marriage, the process has two strikes against it. If you read articles and other threads on rebuilding trust, the most important point is complete NC. However, in our case with an OC involved, that can never happen. The most we can do is to come up with a plan that any contact is comfortable for both BS and the H, and doesn't allow the OW to intrude or drive a wedge in the marriage. In my case, that includes no contact by email or telephone, only mail through a post office box that has been established. OW may only contact H in the event of a change in medical/day care or education situation. H has been clear that he will not respond to requests for bullshit expenses, etc. However, H has the right to inquire about living situation, education and health at any time he wishes--but plans not to do so unless he thinks that there is a change in circumstance that could affect us financially. OW made a choice to have the child, fully knowing the H was married. When you have a child out of wedlock, you must be willing to be FULLY responsible for that child! IMHO. Because the state has decided that fathers must play at least a financial role, doesn't mean they must take an emotional role--only a willing father need to do that. That said, if BS's H's on this thread do want that, let's just try and give support and our stories of how we have made it work, not scare them away with an "it has to be this way" attitude.

I've stepped into a corner before, and if this post offends anyone here, let me know, and I'll go back again.

Hugs to you all.

twokidsmommy-

your post did not offend me. it is what i struggle with everyday. i want my h to be able to see his daughter if he wishes. I cannot ask him to choose between me and her. I know his choice would be me but he would resent me for making him choose. I try to support him but it is difficult with the situation as it is. THe Ow is the problem. We do not want full custody of the child either. even if he did- we are not in the right place to take on that responsibility.

you are right though. my problem with the OW is that him seeing her doesn't help my wounds to heal. he can't go NC becuase he has to talk to her to see his child. I wish the states would take a stand that if a woman chooses to have a married man's child, that man is not responsible for the child unless he wants to be. SHE had choices and she chose to keep the child (most likely in hopes the the father would leave his wife for her)- she should be responsible adn she will have to be the one to explain to the child where her daddy is. but the courts dont' see it that way.

so i am trying like i said to be supportive of my H and not make it "my way or the highway" for him but it is difficult becuse I want them to just go away from us for good and I do wish that he could give her up on his own out of respect for me and our marriage.

twokids,

you're post was great. each and everyone of us have a unique situation. granted the hurt and pain we feel are the same. we are all entitled to our honest opinions but we all have common ground. its tough enough to find support from those outsite of this circle, i don't think any offense can really be taken here. we are all here for support and encouragement.

have a good weekend ladies...

scooter-it was you that I felt was getting unfairly beat up on, perhaps by me as much as anyone else. You are in such a tough position, and if you can make it work with your H having contact, then you are a very strong woman. I don't think I could do it, at least not yet.

I wonder if your H is just confused about where his priorities ought to be, and is trying to please everyone out of either shame or guilt. Does he really want to see this child, or is he feeling pushed to do it? Perhaps if he could understand his own feelings about what kind of relationship he wants with the child, it would help you to know where you stand. Does he think that he will always just meet OW/OC somewhere for a visit? Or does he want to play an active part in the child's life? If so, how do you fit into that? Just some thoughts.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Twokids,

Not sure why DNA testing is taking so long. The only guess I have is that perhaps the lab is a state one and back logged due to court orders. I'm trying very hard to trust my H and part of that is believing that when he knows, I'll know. No news is simply that...no news. So, I wait and wonder and worry, if truth be told, as the next court date nears. I hate this uncertainty. I feel like the OW still has control of the situation. I feel that I'm still in a nightmare time warp and I just want to get off the ride.

How did you deal with confirmation of the DNA testing? Did you take it in stride like the birth or did you fall apart? I fully expect the news, if positive result, to hit me in the gut like a sucker punch.

How on earth do you possibly prepare for something like this?

BW

Yes,for those who like to show it to their spouses in black and white. Shirley Glass writes in "Not Just Friends" that the WS should NEVER be visiting the OC at the OW's home alone...She writes that this is just too dangerous to the marriage...

BW--I wish I could give you some advice on how to prepare for the news. It was hard waiting, and we only had to wait 5 days. The entire time I waivered between my fantasy that it would come back negative, that it would not be a high enough percentage (needs to be something like 99.99888% accurate or something ridiculous like that) and we would question its legality, and trying to prepare myself for the word that it was positive. When it did come back positive, it was not a sucker-punch so much as a feeling like I was deflated. There was sadness, fear, concern for my H and how he would react and a short period of lull wondering when it would wind up into a battle before it could all settle down. My H was so emotional, I think I also put a bit of my feelings aside because he took it so hard.

For me the sucker punch happened a year ago, when I came home from a weekend trip to a H almost ready to have a heart attack, having to tell me of his A and that the OW was pregnant--nothing was harder than that night, or the week of fog that followed.

Hang in there, I'm thinking about you.

Hugs.

I know it well...I had a weekend of waiting and wondering why my H was in such a funk before the pressure got to him and he finally broke down sobbing and told me about the A, OW and OC. Fog is a mild term for the time period that followed.

I was tempted to ask him last night if he's heard from the attorney but I stopped myself. We had a good day - got a new car, stopped by a friends and snuggled in bed watching a movie. I didn't want my stupid insecurities (and they rear their ugly head quite often despite my best efforts) to ruin a very nice day where we joked around, laughed and were just "together". Make sense?

I guess the fact that Aunt Flow came to visit and the hoped for pregnancy isn't meant to be this month put me in a state of insecurity. I know in my head we'll get through this; H is showing over and over that he will not let OW or any of temper tantrums affect us and that US is the most important thing to him.

Isn't it funny that when they are on the verge of losing us, it's when they actually start to appreciate us and see us as the wonderful women that we are?

BW

(((BW)))

Right back at you!

{{{bw}}}

Hey,if you would like to join a wonderful TTC community (Trying to Conceive) let me know. I had a wonderful support group when I was trying (mine was a 6 year struggle with infertility but the group is for all who just want to get pg).

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I am so stressed about the test results coming today!

scooter--praying for you.

We are expecting the DNA results back today for the OC. I am really anxious about them. I just don't know how I am going to react and how this is going to affect our R. I am trying not to think about it today. I know that it won't affect R if we don't let it. Just all weekend, I reverted back to having mind movies that I thought I had stopped. I started questioning his love for me and hating him again for doing this to me. I can't stop it. I want to be in the better place that I was last week but I can't get back there.

I dreamt last night that he was doing someone new and then I dreamt that I found more pictures of the OW trying to look sexy but looking skanky instead (I found 3 CDs of pictures in his dresser after D-day of her trying to entice him- I broke them and threw them away after I told him I found them) He says he is with not anyone but me now and he doesn't have any more pictures of her. But this is what is going through my head.

I hate feeling this way. I want my life back and I don't want her in it. DAMN HIM for doing this to me.

WILL THIS EVER GET EASIER????????????????

(((((SCOOTER))))).I'M PRAYING FOR YOU THAT THIS B GETS THE EMBARRASMENT SHE DESREVES AND THE DNA PROVES HE IS NOT THE FATHER.!!!!