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The OM said he is falliing in love. WW said that he was always saying he does not want to destroy the family.

I texted him a week ago asking about his feelings.

He stated multiple times that he is moved on and those feelings are no longer there but his wife was near him when he texted.

I asked him later when he was at work and he replied "I cannot convince you or my wife enough for telling the truth, i'm just trying to be honest to myself at least."

I am thinking of texting him and saying "My wife is no free so if you are her twin flame then you can reunite. IF you no longer feel this way I would recommend that you give her a no contact letter stating your feelings"

?

I agree with Painfulpast. Contact the OMs BW and tell her what your WW told you, and that you suspect that the two of them have continued to be in contact with each other. That ought to light a fire under OM to toss her back under the bus with a couple of bounces thrown in for good luck.

Your WW is twisting around, trying to create a world-vision of how SHE wants things to be from now on. That world vision includes you playing house-husband, where the house is kept, the children have two co-parents, she gets to play Lady Dramatic, and you get to play house slave. Yeah, right. My FWH had sort of the same delusion when I started our in-house separation on the way to me going for a legal separation to be followed by divorce. We were going to live together, pretty much the same way, just ignoring his elephant shitting in the room, so that things would be pleasant. I had the following conversation with him.

I told him, when I file for divorce, I will not be your friend. I will not be your soft place to fall. I will not be nice to you and I will not be your buddy. I will leave you. I will forget about you, and I will not accept any contact from you. We will not date, we will not talk, we will not have any contact at all. You will be dead to me. I will go out and find someone worthy of being with me and that someone will not be you. I will cut you out of my life as if you were a cancerous growth. You will not exist.

When I told him this, I was 180ing him to detach from him. I was pleasant, but aloof. He was banned from my bedroom and all of his stuff had been moved downstairs. I took care of myself did my own laundry, my own food, etc. When we talked about anything to do with the house or finances, I made it clear that the goal was to do maintenance for the purposes of selling the house and to make sure that our joint bills were paid until we were legally untangled. No future plans, no joint plans, nada. It turns out that we reconciled and are together now. And I truly believe that it was because he bounced hard off of rock bottom. He thought he had hit it before it took me detaching and making a solid exit plan for him to truly get the fact that he was becoming irrelevant to my life. IMO, you need to make that very, very clear to your WW. She’s still thinking that she’s going to get the best of two worlds. She’s still playing Damsel in Distress. It’s time for reality to boot her alongside the head.

Stay angry and stay determined to do what is right for you and your children. Keep moving forward and don’t let her try to drag you down side-channels. Keep focused on your goal a marriage with honor and commitment, or the shedding of some useless weight.

The OM can send your wife a NC telling her to butt out, but it will be irrelevant since he can tell your WW at work that it was 'political' and something she can ignore.

Thats the trouble; if this EA is continuing at the workplace then he can tell your wife he loves her and wants to be with her, while telling you and BW he is dedicated to his marriage. The two-faced creep is having his cake and eating it. He still possesses your wife in every sense and his marriage is rebuilding; probably with stacks of HB. Meanwhile your wife will not move on and he must be killing himself laughing on how she will not be intimate with you. Maybe on his instructions.

Advice hasn't changed; file and knock your wife off that fence. See if the OM is worth the loss of her marriage.

I am thinking of texting him and saying "My wife is no free so if you are her twin flame then you can reunite. IF you no longer feel this way I would recommend that you give her a no contact letter stating your feelings"

You've asked this twice, so I assume you didn't realize my comment about telling the wife wasn't an answer. It is, and here is why:

You send him the message. He doesn't send a NC letter. Instead, realizing that now only his wife is watching, he takes in farther underground. She is free, and is playing 'lovey dovey' with OM while you wonder what happened and his wife is clueless.

Tell the wife what WW is saying, and that you believe there is still contact. This will force OM to do something to say otherwise, and it will have OBS really watching to see what is happening.

Telling him only could backfire in all sorts of ways. You think you'll get the NC letter you want, when what you'll get is an OM that now has a fee pass.

Tell his wife. Let her know that, for some reason, your WW is still under the impression that OM loves WW, and not OBS.

I believe that they are not interacting together. I think he is avoiding her and others at work. I beleive She has been honest since this came out due to the fact that what she has said has been very harsh. I could be nieve but this is my gut feeling. BTW, my gut was telling me something was nit right and she may be having affair while she was in the A.

In regards to affection and sex, it is me who doesn't want it because it is not genuine. I don't want to have sex when she is not with me in her head. It would be nice but it would be nothing. Plus it would validate her thoughts and feelings.

Right now I am pissed off for all this crap.

I will not be contacting the OM or BW. I don't think it is the best course of action because his wife is very pissed at WW.

For now, I will move forward and maybe file but unsure if that is what I will do next.

[This message edited by Felco at 3:51 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT.

In regards to affection and sex, it is me who doesn't want it because it is not genuine. I don't want to have sex when she is not with me in her head.

I could not agree with this more.

What you are going through is proof that the A is really about the WS. The OM is out of the picture and for all intents and purposes is attempting to R with his BW. He has gone NC with your WW. If his BW were on SI we would likely respond with cautious optimism.

As far as your WW, well I would find any attempt at affection or sex to be confusing at best. It is either to validate her or manipulate you...or both. I would not see it as genuine when she is still blatantly (and callously) pining for her effen "Twin Flame".

I will from here on out.

I have to say, this " twin flame", I am in love crap, is making me not even want to try. The attorney says it is a minimum of 6 months to get a divorce final. I guess I want it to go away now and that will not happen so I must march on forward

The 6-month thing is why you file now. You can always stop a D at any time up to the time the judge signs the decree, but you need to get the process going so that you don't have to spend any more time than necessary, if you do D. (((hugs))) Hang in there. We've got your back.

Ok, she is telling people we are splitting up. I checked her phone and she is looking for a lawyer. Makes my heart thump.

Can you help me off the ledge!!

Sorry to hear that your WW is still in the fog. At least you have a heads up. Protect yourself. Find a lawyer asap who specializes in D. Protect yourself. Let the lawyer do whatever it takes.

Do some research and get the best lawyer who practices family law you can afford.

Also, her behavior is going to get more erratic. Start to document EVERYTHING she does. You need to keep the coolest most level head you can muster.

Go to the separated/ divorce forum and introduce yourself immediately. The information and support you will get there will carry you through the next leg of your journey.

I know you are overwhelmed. We all know this is not what you hoped for. However, your wife is now a stranger and you must be willing to see her as the adversary that she had become.

Know your SI family has your back and although right now you don't believe it - you've got this.

I just reverted and talked about how I feel and what we had. I said I am so mad that she screwed with my life and am left picking up after her. She is so convinced that this man is her soulmate that she does not even think one bit otherwise.

I want to text him or his wife but it may come back and bit me if we go to court.

I should have kept my cool but I am on emotions today. She was saying that it would not have worked out anyways. I told her that she never even tried to make it work.

What am I doing.

BTW, she said that he has to sleep in a trailer because his wife is keeping him out. She found out by people at work.

Whatever

she said that he has to sleep in a trailer because his wife is keeping him out. She found out by people at work.

Can you clarify this? Does this mean his BW is going to file for D?

This process sucks!!

It is horrible, Felco. Really.

Felco, I"m sorry this is happening in your life. I'm especially sorry to see you buying into the puerile "twin flame" thing. That very phrase makes me want to vomit, it's so ridiculously juvenile.

Look. This guy's wife needs to be told. By you. It's wrong to assume that, because you've been told so by liars, she knows.

Like you, she is being betrayed. Like you, she may wish to exercise certain options, such as getting the six-month clock ticking. Or getting tested for STDs, since she has a cheating husband. Or at least knowing what the disconnect she likely senses is due to. It's not enough to hear, through the grapevine, that he's sleeping in a trailer. For all you know he's there because he's making HER life a living hell, blaming her for every ill in his life, while accepting no responsibility, while she remains in the dark. (That's the life I led for almost a decade and a half---living with an angry discontented man, having no idea what was so terribly wrong with ME. Let me tell you: I can't get that time back, and I can't fathom ever having the opportunities squandered during that time presented again.)

Tell her what you know, providing evidence. It can't "bite you." How could it?! The worst has already happened, in your life! What could be worse? Even if you can think of a long laundry list of "worst," how realistic is it?

That's right. It's about as real as "twin flames."

If you won't tell her, at LEAST abandon the "twin flame" garbage. There's no such thing, and repeatedly giving it some sort of credence is degrading.

PS--The gut is very reliable, except when it isn't. It's great at sensing when something is amiss. But when our heads get in the game, like they do after d-day, our desire for things to return to the status quo is so strong that our "guts" really AREN'T OUR GUTS. They're our minds, trying to make sense from nonsense. The biggest bit of nonsense is this: "I believe her." Look, I know you love her and want things to be right again. But few WSs are trustworthy or believable in the immediate aftermath of d-day. Oh, we WANT to believe. But doing so is quite dangerous. Take it from the Queen of I Believe.

With your wife apparently not giving a hang for your marriage and quite prepared to divorce:

She was saying that it would not have worked out anyways

she is telling people we are splitting up. I checked her phone and she is looking for a lawyer

.

This does sound like she expects the OM to give up on his marriage and renew the affair. Something is going wrong with their reconciliation if OM is sleeping in a trailer.

Your wife would not give up on her marriage so easily and end up living alone; I have a feeling she is waiting for something to happen. Meanwhile she is marking time with your marriage, but if you want to file thats OK with her too.

Well I sent a text to his wife.

" I feel like you need to know this, she still believes that they are twin flames and he is hiding his true feelings for her and is unhappy.

I hope that they are not in contact with each other. But they only know. We are separating due to me not wanting to be second in her heart.

Please respect me and do not contact her yourself as this will just cause more problems. Sorry to do this but I think you should know this and question his feelings"

I feel like I went backyards with our conversation last night.

I will try to be calmer and less vulnerable.

She said that she has been grieving the loss of our marriage during the affair.

She said that she knew she was Fuc$ed from the beginning because he was going back to his life and I would leave due to her feelings for him not going away. "Twin Flames" is beyond your control it is deep to the soul, they are one.

She has never spoke like this before.

Silly, to even want to save something that is dead

[This message edited by Felco at 7:46 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

Great job with the text, Felco. At this point, just focus on saving yourself.

E.