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Your wife is totally unremorseful and, frankly, a self-centered little brat. How old are your kids? Who was taking care of them while she was screwing around?

Kids are 1 and 3. My WW works and the kids are in daycare. WW and OM would sneak away at lunch.

Maybe you need to adjust your focus to that of the kids. What would be the best scenario for the kids? That is how I would make the decision.

The kids are at the forefront of my/our thinking. Given that adoption and abortion are off the table, the kids will be living in some kind of mixed home no matter what. Either the OM comes and goes or I come and go. While my estimation of my WW's reliability has taken a big hit recently, my opinion of the OM's responsibility couldn't be lower. I don't want my kids living with him at all.

Think about the potential toxic environment the two you already have could be living in. What does that look like to you 10 years from now?

I know you can't think past 1 minute, but think about it. Not that my experience is anything like this, but I did grow up in a toxic environment that was born from an affair. Not that your kids would be like me or have my set of circumstances, but read my profile to see what potential issues could arise. Click on the smiley face on this post.

I only mention it because I fear for your and your children's long term well being.

that only works if the OM agrees to walk away from his child forever.

I've said this before, and I'm going to say it again.

Right now, OM has zero say in this. Zero.

She is married to you.

There are some jurisdictions that will immediately *bounce* anything that dude files. He can file it, but it will be dismissed.

You absolutely NEED to consult with an experienced family law lawyer to find out your jurisdiction's view on this. And do it, as Cat said, without your WW.

Right now your WW's viewpoint on this situation is total crap and it's pretty disgusting how your WW is trying to incorporate the OM into your life and *using* this pregnancy to do it.

Family law lawyer. Asap.

How will you know that WW isn't always wondering what would have been if she had given her relationship with the OM a chance? You are truly between a rock and a hard spot but I feel like you can cut the damages now and move on or expose yourself to a lifetime of more the same.

Good luck.

The kids are at the forefront of my/our thinking. Given that adoption and abortion are off the table, the kids will be living in some kind of mixed home no matter what. Either the OM comes and goes or I come and go. While my estimation of my WW's reliability has taken a big hit recently, my opinion of the OM's responsibility couldn't be lower. I don't want my kids living with him at all.

I doubt he would WANT to live with them. He's a single guy who started hooking up with a married woman two months ago. It's highly unlikely he'll want to go from "single guy" to Dad of one and StepDad of two living in a home and having all of that responsibility. In fact, I bet if you file for D he would start spinning the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" to your wife. He said he wants you two to work out because he's probably scared shitless that he'll have to support her full-time.

And, if not, your wife will probably always wonder "what if?". There's a saying on here that sometimes you need to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. You don't need to actually D. Just file and maybe that will bring their heads out of their asses. But no matter what, you need to get to a Lawyer yesterday. Make sure you protect you and your kids. Stay strong and good luck.

I know you can't think past 1 minute, but think about it. Not that my experience is anything like this, but I did grow up in a toxic environment that was born from an affair. Not that your kids would be like me or have my set of circumstances, but read my profile to see what potential issues could arise. Click on the smiley face on this post.

Wow, I'm speechless. I've never read anything so heartwrenching and brutally honest. I'm struggling with being one tenth as honest with myself about the situation I'm in. My heart goes out to you and your family. Glad you're still with us and that this site is helping you.

I really don't want to make this about me since this is about you. I'm just trying to get you to see that there are going to be major problems in your future if you keep going in the direction you are going. Those problems are going to be bigger than you.

I feel for you Strange. I really do. Keep posting and keep listening. There are a lot of excellent points being made by a lot of people here.

I can tell people are starting to grab your attention a bit. Your wheels starting to turn a bit upstairs? You still need to do what's best for you, but all these people keep making a lot of the same points. There's truth in those points.

I really don't want to make this about me since this is about you.

No, I hear you. But your story gives me a lot to think about in terms of my own situation.

Your wheels starting to turn a bit upstairs?

Totally. I've always been a rational and logical person whose curse has been to be sufficiently skilled at rhetoric to convince myself of anything. Separating the logic from the emotion is very difficult right now. There are lots of good points being made here, especially the ones that shatter my utopian fantasies. I'm not ready, logically or emotionally, to let go. But I need to start protecting and taking care of myself.

SAF,

I've been following your story and it breaks my heart what you are up against. My world fell apart due to infidelity just a year ago after almost 36 years of marriage. It's unbearable to think of letting it all go so abruptly but, please don't delude yourself into believing that you can control this. You can't! A marriage takes two and right now there is only one fighting for it to survive. She has already given you the ILYBNILWY speech. There is no hint that she is interested in fighting to keep the relationship and, it's a losing battle for you.

What stands out most to me in all of this is that your WW did not drop to the ground, grab your ankles and plead forgiveness. No, because she has rationalized that since she is not in love with you, she owes you very little. She is sorry to have hurt you but not sorry enough to help you heal. You are being her safe place, her understanding ear, shoulder to cry on, her rock. Then, she has him too.

You can't put this back together by yourself. You sound like a very intelligent and honorable man. She is disrespecting you in very way possible and it seems to me that you are taking it because you have a lot of guilt about being away with your work. Two issues here. Separate them. Are you really willing to tolerate having this guy talking to your wife, arranging drop off and pick ups, for the rest if your life?

I agree with all of the others here. Have her served out if the blue. If she wakes up she will make noticeable changes if she gives a shit. You can stop the process any time you want to but, you have got to get her attention and let her know in no uncertain terms you will not tolerate her having another man in her life.

I hope and pray things take a turn for the better soon. I know you are in agony and its hard to make such life altering decisions before you feel capable but, you have got to stop this now before it keeps spiraling out of control.

I have read through this whole thing this morning, and I have a few thoughts. I may come off as crass or abrasive, but I am trying to take the emotion out of it, so you can step back and look at it like an outsider.

Your wife, had an A, she chose, yes she CHOSE to have an A, she didn't just fall on some guys junk and say woops. Then she recklessly didn't use protection and is NOW pregnant.

Things we don't know for sure.

1. When she became pregnant. (I say this because you mentioned she hasn't been to the Dr yet, and really until they check levels, and do a measurement by ultrasound you are NOT going to know for sure. You CANNOT, trust her dates bullshit because she has proven one thing. She lies.

2. She is claiming it's his, but had sexual relations with both of you prior to announcing her pregnancy. You have approximately 2 weeks from the time you conceive until you get a positive pregnancy test. I suspect she knew or guessed she was preggers a while before showing you the positive test.

3. What does she gain from acting like it's his baby? Well lets see. She gets to continue to interact with him and keep her relationship alive with him, because right now she is getting to play aren't we a happy couple we are having a baby with him. She also gets to blame you and "working a lot" for her actions, and hasn't committed to R'ing because she hasn't had to. She has the best of both worlds at the moment.

In most situations I encourage the BS to stay away from their spouses AP because they usually try to say thing that will hurt you. HOWEVER....In this situation, I think if you picked up the phone, and said I want you to back the hell off, and have no further contact with my wife, the baby isn't yours, she is just trying to string you along, the sigh of relief that he would have would be heard around the world.

Your wife, doesn't get it yet, and may not, but I think it is time you went and saw an attorney, to find out your rights and obligations, and file whatever paperwork you need to to make sure that your kids come first in all you do. The only thing she is sorry about, is getting caught, the only she is sad about is having to give up either her boyfriend, or her spouse.

You need to take a step back from this and think about what you really want, and why, and "Staying together for the kids" isn't an option. All that does is teach them dysfunction, and gives them a false sense of what a normal happy relationship really is, which in turn messes them up and creates generations of this fucked up sense of what marriage, commitment, and loving someone is all about.

Your wife, is NOT putting her kids first, and it's your job to call her out on it.

The R car should be driven by the BS, and if it's not that long curvy journey ends up in a ditch 9 of 10 times. The WS, yours, mine, and everyone elses here all have one thing in common, they are broken people who have a lot of work to do to heal themselves, and until they start that you are setting yourself up for failure.

(((and strength)))

Strangeasfiction, you are truly an amazing person. I am in awe of the compassion and grace you are showing through this heartbreaking experience.

My friend, you are in the unenviable position of having a difficult decision made even more difficult because choosing to reconcile will mean having to be a stepfather to the child of the affair. The advice about getting your wife to give up the child through adoption or abortion—well, you’ve realized this won’t work since your wife has made it clear she wants the baby and isn’t going to give it up. The less energy we spend trying to change things that can’t be changed the better. I think you’ve realized that reconciling will also mean having the OG be a permanent part of your life IF he really is the father, but I’m not sure if you’ve accepted this reality. I think you might still hope that he will disappear and let your wife and you raise the child. However, OG has made it clear he wants to have joint custody and be involved. (Sure, you could fight it as some have implied, but would you? You strike me as someone who would struggle with separating a father, whatever his flaws, from his biological child. Also, your wife would need to be on board, and it doesn’t sound like she is.) So, from everything you’ve said, it sounds like reconciliation means you accept that your life from here on out will involve the child and the OG.

Reconciling with a spouse who has betrayed you is a long, difficult, painful, and uncertain process no matter what the circumstances are. Reconciling with a spouse who is uncommitted and ambivalent is nearly impossible. Reconciling with an uncommitted and ambivalent spouse when it means that the OG and the child of the affair are going to become a permanent part of your life…the odds aren't in your favor, SAF. I’m so sorry.

I may come off as crass or abrasive, but I am trying to take the emotion out of it, so you can step back and look at it like an outsider.

Nothing could be as crass or abrasive as "I'm pregnant" day. Bring it.

In most situations I encourage the BS to stay away from their spouses AP because they usually try to say thing that will hurt you. HOWEVER....In this situation, I think if you picked up the phone, and said I want you to back the hell off, and have no further contact with my wife, the baby isn't yours, she is just trying to string you along, the sigh of relief that he would have would be heard around the world.

I already told him to back off and that he was destroying my family. He did back off. But that was before the pregnancy test. I hear what you're saying about certainty regarding paternity. I suppose only a DNA test (or a cursory visual inspection upon birth) will settle that for sure. For now, though, I really have no reasonable expectation that it's mine. This is not just taking her word for it. Access to emails and texts pretty much confirms the timing. It's technically possible I'm the father I suppose. But I'd sooner believe she's carrying the second coming of the Messiah.

You need to take a step back from this and think about what you really want, and why, and "Staying together for the kids" isn't an option. All that does is teach them dysfunction, and gives them a false sense of what a normal happy relationship really is, which in turn messes them up and creates generations of this fucked up sense of what marriage, commitment, and loving someone is all about.

This is the part I'm really struggling with. Obviously. They are going to have questions about what marriage and commitment are either way, aren't they?

Your wife, is NOT putting her kids first, and it's your job to call her out on it.

I've been doing that a lot the last few days. She's getting it. The OM is not ready to be a father to a new baby, let alone a new baby and two stepkids under the age of 4. Even WW admits that. But there's still work to do.

(((and strength)))

I need all I can get. Many many thanks.

Thanks, Nomadlady.

I think you’ve realized that reconciling will also mean having the OG be a permanent part of your life IF he really is the father, but I’m not sure if you’ve accepted this reality. I think you might still hope that he will disappear and let your wife and you raise the child. However, OG has made it clear he wants to have joint custody and be involved. (Sure, you could fight it as some have implied, but would you? You strike me as someone who would struggle with separating a father, whatever his flaws, from his biological child. Also, your wife would need to be on board, and it doesn’t sound like she is.) So, from everything you’ve said, it sounds like reconciliation means you accept that your life from here on out will involve the child and the OG.

I would be (pleasantly) surprised if he just disappeared. But I'm not counting on it or expecting it. No, the reality I really need to grapple with is if that child can grow up in a happy and stable home under these circumstances. It's one thing to say all the things I've said. I meant what I said, to be sure, but saying it and living the experience are two different things.

Once I learned about the affair (but before the pregnancy test) I send the OM a note. Actually, it was a family photo taken for the holidays. On the back I wrote that this is what I'm fighting for. How I've loved my W since he was in middle school. How those boys are my life. Man to man, I said, you need to back off and let the W and I try to put the pieces back together. To his credit, he totally backed off. Told my angry WW that he would have sent me the same note if the roles had been reversed. But now the situation is totally different. Now he is also thinking of his child. I can't tell him to back off because I don't want to be separated from my children and then turn around and actively do the same to him, can I? Many of you will say, "Damn straight you can!" But that's not me. And maybe that will be my downfall. I can and will ask him to step aside but I'm not going to proactively impede reasonable access to his own child, even if that child is living part time in my house.

The odds aren't in your favor, SAF. I’m so sorry.

Cue Hunger Games. Thanks, Nomadlady - you're the best. As is everyone else here.

strangeasfiction, I don't have much advice over what's already been said to you but I felt compelled to post just to say that you are an amazingly compassionate man. But please be careful that your compassion for others doesn't see you putting everyone else's needs above your own. Make sure you are not making decisions and accepting an impossible situation that could eventually be as dysfunctional as it gets just because of your fear of losing time with your kids.

Ask yourself what is more beneficial to your kids longterm - them living for 50% of their time with a dad 100% at peace with himself, his life, and his choices - or them living 100% of the time with a dad only 50% happy? You've got to live your life saf. I do believe that if you short change yourself, you will be short changing your kids by a lot more than just time in the long run.

...and my heart bleeds for you and your kids that it is you three, that now have to deal with the reality of the fall out from this situation that has been caused by two selfish, selfish, entitled people.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 2:21 PM, January 27th (Monday)]

Partially right. But he wants joint custody and would get it if he went through the courts.

I feel entirely certain that he will never pursue this route for the reasons I listed in my former post. In case I wasn't clear then, he is a FLAKE.

I would also like to thank you for your stance on abortion. Although I am pro choice I really don't like to see children treated as mistakes to be done away with or as a form of birth control.

Catwoman -

FYI, my now-ex traveled a great deal for business and was gone weeks at a stretch. I didn't cheat. Ever. She owns that.

Truer words haven't been spoken. I do feel a lot of guilt for not being there when I should have been. I feel guilt for taking her for granted. But I would have felt all of that if I had been awakened to it even without the affair. I don't blame myself for the affair...only for the conditions that led to her making HER choice. I hear you, though...thanks for laying it out there.

Ask yourself what is more beneficial to your kids longterm - them living for 50% of their time with a dad 100% at peace with himself, his life, and his choices - or them living 100% of the time with a dad only 50% happy? You've got to live your life saf. I do believe that if you short change yourself, you will be short changing your kids by a lot more than just time in the long run.

This is the horrible calculus with which I'm grappling. I hate reducing the situation to a list of pros and cons. That's on me - I need to get to a place where I can see the world more clearly. My instinct is to be self-sacrificing. But not all sacrifices serve the greater good. Whatever I decide, it needs to be done from a position of strength rather than of weakness.

Bottom line is that your marriage will never be the same; you'll always be looking over your shoulder for the next OM who has an opportunity with your wife. Thing long and hard about your options and listen to valid information provided by posters who understand your predicament.

There are those who will think I'm crazy for staying but I saw it as my only option for assuring that my child received the nurturing, education and care she needed. You'll be making your own choices.

I'm so sympathetic to your story and I know that everyone has to make their own choices for their own reasons, including me. I'm working on it. But before making a choice I need to investigate and research the implications of my options.

OK...perhaps I'm throwing a wrench into everything here, but one thing I HAVEN'T seen an opinion on is what the two kids existing kids are going to have to deal with in the years to come if the family remains intact.

IF the new baby is bi-racial the kids are going to see every single day that their mom cheated on their dad. That she didn't respect her marriage vows OR their dad.

Everybody and their brother is going to ask why their little brother/sister is different from them. What story are the kids going to tell their friends/school mates?

IF the OM stays in the picture, how are the kids going to reconcile that triad with a traditional "two parent" family relationship. How are they going to re-act when the little one does the "my Dad vs. your Dad" thing? What kind of family values are they going to learn? What are the three "adults" in this situation teaching these kids as to what a loving, respectful relationship looks like?

Adoption really looks like a good option. It will give the new baby the best chance to have a loving, healthy life.

JMO.

k9