SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't post as often anymore, but when I saw your story, I just had to reach out.

First, I know it feel like the pain is never ending, that this is how you'll always feel, but you won't. Hold on to that when then pain gets bad -- this is NOT forever. This WILL pass. You WILL be happy again - and one day, you'll realize you don't even think about it anymore.

I know that was the scariest thing for me. I fell so far down a dark hole - and I felt like that was all there was ever going to be. That I'd never feel anything but that pain and betrayal - and it was a terrifiying prospect. I did the same thing - with imagining from chats/email etc how perfect their relationship really was - how much more he must love her etc.

Now, years later, while they are married, I know their relationship is more f-ed up then ours ever was - regardless of cheating. They aren't "soulmates" there was nothing "special" about it - even if they had convinced themselves there was.

And I am HORRIFIED by both him and her -- who aborts two children to keep a man?!?! any man. I cannot fathom it. And if she ever wanted those babies - or every wants/has babies in the future, she will have to live with a guilt that I cannot even imagine. (truly - can you imagine looking at your child one day and thinking your siblings had to be sacrifeced to I could keep your dad???? ) Honestly, i've heard a lot of messed up stuff but this just really got me -- who tells someone they "love" they they will be with them if they abort their child. That's a kind of "love" no one need - espcially not you.

It is good you know, and I'm glad you have the support of your family and friends. Lean on them, and lean on SI. I think it's the only reason I survived my first year of the aftermath of my DD.

Thank you. I am trying hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I know I can't see it now, but I really hope it's just not darkness forever...

My H is convincing, but not that convincing to make her have two abortions. It is very sad, and that OW must be in such mental anguish over that in itself. Not like I care.

It's very encouraging to hear how people have survived, and I need to be a survivor...

I am so sorry this has happened to you. My DDay was 2 years ago, and it still hurts, but not as much. I thought the pain would never end, but slowly and surely, it did. I can't say that we are reconciled, but I decided to try and make things work. I was and am not financially dependent on him, but my DD was 6 years old at the time, I don't have many close friends in the area, family lives far away, so my support system was basically SI. I don't know what I would have done without this site.

My WH shouldn't have married me either. He married me because he wanted to become a resident which he did, but I think he never stopped thinking about her. I think he had in his mind this incredible relationship with her, and got in touch with her again after 12 years of marriage. They had had some sporadic contact before, but they hadn't seen each other. I'm positive of this because of some postings I found on the Internet.

Once he had sex with her, and impregnated her, everything changed. I suspect she wanted him to leave me, and since he didn't, she because this other person, at least in his eyes. I don't think she's ever been different.

Anyhow, what I want to tell you April, is that it will get better. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and please, please go see your doctor. I fell down into an abyss of darkness and despair and waited too long to see my doctor, almost a month. He gave me an antidepressant, anti-anxiety medication and sleep medicine. That's what made me function again, at least it helped, the crying spells got more sporadic. Keep posting, take care of yourself so you can enjoy your beautiful baby.

Hi April, I have read your post in LTA but wanted to reply here.

The OW outed the affair in the cruellest way. So let’s deal with her first. To do this to you when you have such a tiny baby, when you are at your most vulnerable, shows just what sort of person she is. She may be “stunning” on the outside, but rest assured, your WH knows her for the vile, ugly person she is on the inside. And THAT is why he never had any intention of leaving you for her. She took on this role – the one of feeding your WH’s fragile ego – knowing that was all she was and ever would be to him. That is the role of mistress (or OM). That was her JOB. His biggest mistake is the most common – to give in and give her a promise of a date in the future. When he promised to leave after the baby was born, that point in time was so far into the future, he thought he was safe. And he would deal with pushing the date back when it arrived. He didn’t think about what he had said, he only knew he was putting off the day when the affair would be exposed. If she was all that and more, he would have gone before he even married you. He would have gone 9.5yrs ago. He didn’t. He knew she was bad news from the start. So April, mentally kick her back into the gutter. Because that is where she came from and that is where she belongs.

Oh, and that business of “being pregnant twice”? Unlikely. Sounds like the usual story an OW will spin to try and persuade her lover to leave his wife. She says she’s pregnant – and waits. Then (well I never!) she either “loses” it or has an “abortion”. She did this twice and it didn’t work. So she upped the ante and told you. Her final throw of the dice to get her man. That man who so far hadn’t left his wife.

More on the LTA. The LTA beast is a different animal. It involves deception on a massive scale. The WS becomes an accomplished liar (they probably are natural liars anyway) and they get comfortable with living a duplicitous life. Generally, the AP knows the WS is unlikely to leave their spouse. If the WS is stupid enough to make promises they aren’t going to keep (same thing was about to happen in my case – so confessed before MOW told me), then the AP vents their fury on the innocent and ignorant BS. They do this in the full knowledge that it will cause the deepest hurt to the WS and cause devastation on the scale of a tsunami or nuclear bomb. Then they sit back with a glass of wine, watching with Schadenfreude. If he has gone to her, rest assured that it won’t last. He’ll stay until he’s had enough or he will do the same again and the OW will get a dose of her own medicine.

Please do all you need to do all you can to protect yourself and your darling baby. Please see your doctor, get your STD checks done and let them know what has happened and get meds if you need them. Since your baby is so young, they will probably want to check on you from time to time and see how you are doing.

Out the affair to everyone and do not excuse his despicable behaviour by finding “reasons” of her being sooo attractive. No, he made a choice and you found out so you are kicking his arse out of your life. He abused your love and abused your trust. No explanation needed.

There will be bad days and there will be even worse days. Accept each day as it comes and protect yourself by leaning on your sister and your friends. Look to your son and make him your focus for your future. Eventually, the time will come when you will not have to think about dragging yourself out of bed every day, you will have a moment of pleasure and you will smile again. Not right now maybe, but you will.

Hugs to you. (((((April)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 7:36 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]

Thank you for that. It's so hard to even put anymore thought to her. She did what she did because me STBX made promises to her, which he never should have done if he didn't intend on keeping them. He promised to love me and promised wedding vows, and he broke that too, so now I probably feel the same anger as her, which is a twisted parallel.

It's hard for me to even breathe anymore. I have to remind myself to take deep breaths and breathe. Eating is a waste because it just doesnt work. I am trying to get strong, but it feels like my life is crashing in around me and that I will never smile again.

I'm so sorry April. You WILL smile again, you WILL be happy. I know it doesn't feel like it but it will. Just do what you need to do to get through this time, lean on your family and other supportive people in your life. ((HUGS))

Sweetie, take care of yourself so that you can look after your son. It’s called putting your oxygen mask on first before helping others. Please know that many people on SI have been where you are now. Some have the same story as you. Eat little and often. Take those build up drinks and nourishing soups if you really can’t eat. See your doctor, they will help you. Rest when you can. Try to have other people around you as much as possible. Stay with your sister or friends or have them come and stay with you. Get out into the sunshine and fresh air for some gentle exercise. Stay away from alcohol, although with a newborn, you know that already. Remember Sleepless in Seattle?

Well, I’m gonna get out of bed every morning….breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while, I wont have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out… and, after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.”

I know it’s a sappy movie, but that little speech came to me in the days after d-day. I held on to something to help me through. I didn’t want to wake up in the morning, let alone breathe in and out. But the boys got me through. And the dogs. I wanted to be there for them. My WH could go fuck himself, but I had to drag myself out of bed, get through the shakes and the tears and get on with the day. And then, yes, after a while, I could do it without first wishing I could just sleep and never wake up.

It will get better, I promise you that it will. See your doctor. Get some help.

And the OW? Pretty on the outside, fugly on the inside. Would you want to be her?? She is one sad, sorry, pathetic excuse of a woman. Actually, I wouldn’t give her the status of woman. She’s a soulless two-dimensional cardboard cut out. She has no integrity, no self respect and no decent morals. She will reap what she sows.

Remember that the best revenge is to be successful and happy. OW and WH? They won’t matter.

April, I'm so sorry. You do not deserve this.

Your STBXH is sick, and evil to have done this to you. He is disgusting. However, YOU got the best part of him, your son. cOW only gets his pathetic self. You are so right, they deserve each other.

Praying you are able to take care of yourself, and get the help you need in order to be the best Mommy you can be for your precious little one. i have suffered with PPD, and it's no fun. Compounded by this trauma, talking to a doctor is definitely a good idea.

Did you meet with a lawyer? Did you all come to an agreement? I hope you're getting the support you need!

Thank you. I have to just not think about HER anymore. I've express my compassion for her, because I think my STBX is a sick twisted fuck, and god knows how vulnerable this girl was, but thinking about THEM won't do me any good. At least that's how I feel now, my anger ebbs and flows.

The papers are to be delivered today... Step 1 of many more.

Dear April,

Wow! It has been a while since I have checked on you. I am so sorry. What a complete a--hole he is. And the OW - unbelievable. Yes, I see now that she sent what she did hoping you would do what you are doing - kicking him out of your life. Believe me, you deserve a zillion times better than this - than him and his lies and his inability to make a proper decision in his life.

You say: "I am still waiting from calls from the lawyers and now he already has his lawyers, so I can only hope mine are better than his. From what she's told me, he has spend about 10k on her"

April, there is no way you will lose this case. Your H owes you - big time. Keep the records of what he spent on her. Keep the horrible package she sent you. The truth is 100% on your side - you have the physical proof. It is not going to be easy and, for that, my heart goes out to you. But my prayer for you is that, when this nightmare is over, you will find a wonderful man who will love and adore you as you deserve to be loved and adored.

Your story really breaks my heart. Please stay in touch with us and let us know how you are doing. I am so happy that you are with a friend and family. If you ever need to just vent, come here! We will walk through this with you. Hang in there and do something for yourself - do lots of things for yourself. You deserve it!

April, just concentrate on you and your son!

And, if it helps, take him for everything he has. I know I would, but I can be a bit vindictive in these situations.

April, I've only skimmed your thread so forgive if this was already posted.

You are entitled in most states, even no fault, to recoup half of every single dime he has ever spent on her. That money is considered marital assets.

I know you are grieving and in utter shock, but if you have it in you, start combing through EVERY bank statement, receipt, etc. and totaling up everything he ever spent on her. I would tally the gas money it took to drive to go fornicate with her skank ass.

Honey, she doesn't deserve ANY of your sympathy.

I have been lied to and dated a M man briefly. As SOON as I found out I dropped him like a hot potato and told his command. I was so young back then that it didn't even occur to me to look for her in her country and send her a letter telling her what a POS her husband was. But I made sure to tell ALL of the single women in our unit so they wouldn't be duped by him too.

She had choices.

You just concentrate on taking care of you and your baby. So sorry you are going through this.

Another thing about LTA's. If the BW throws the WH out and it is clear she is not going to consider reconciliation, the WH will often go to the OW. But only because he doesn't want to be alone and he knows OW will take him in. That being with the OW is not his first choice, he would far rather be with his BW and throw the OW under the bus. But being with her is marginally better than being alone. That losing one is better than losing two. That is why it usually doesn't play out in the long run. OW will welcome the WH and so he can comfort himself that at least someone wants him - even if it's not the one he wants.

I know Mr UKg would have gone to MOW. Because he doesn't function well alone. It wouldn't have lasted. He would have used her while he planned what to do, where to go and how to manage. And then left her.

If your WH has gone to OW, this is the most likely reason why: being with her is better than being alone. A part of the loaf is better than none. Makes him a pretty sad person and will make OW more f**ked up than she already is. Her triumph is temporary.

Stay on your road. And look after yourself and your baby. Expect the flack to fly when he gets served and be prepared to give him stony silence. Use your lawyer, your sister, your friends and family as your barrier against him. And begin your healing behind it. Hugs. (((((April)))))

Well, he served me first... don't ask me how that happened. Probably race against the clocks with the lawyers, but doesnt matter, he won't come out on top. Unfortunately (or fortunately), OW did not take him when he went to her. I don't know what her plans on, but I guess what I originally thought isn't the case. Either way, let him be alone and find a sewer rat...

But UKGirl, you are so right if that IS the case.

StillLivin- thank you for that advice. I have no access to anything of his. We have no joint credit cards, etc. I need passwords for everything on his side. Our savings is joint, and that all looks in tact.

I had to go to Charter-- a treatment center --- in their outpatient program for 2 weeks 9am-3pm. It saved me. What we have been put thru is NOT NORMAL. 5 other women were there for the same thing. Get all the help you can.

This also helped me: Think Sandra Bullock. Think strong woman. She absolutely did not cause Jesse James to do what he did. She showed us a strong personna when she found out about her H. She immediately knew she did nothing wrong - she realized the fault was with Jess James (at least that's what we read). She was my role model when I found out about my XWH.

You are not wrong. Your husband sounds alot like Scott Peterson -I read about in a book recently.A deadly game. He had 2 lives.

We are trusting souls. These people are "off". Thank God you found out now. Shut these people out of your life. I NEVER talked to the OW once I found out -- they had me become friends WITH HER. I felt so stupid, but I realize they are evil.

Also, you newborn will be better off growing up with you. My poor children have years of a family unit -- I should have left their dad when I was pregnant and found out he was at topless bars.

((((hugs)))) keep posting.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:10 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]

I may need some kind of out patient. I feel like a bad mother but it's for his benefit at the end of the day.

Sandra Bullock is such a good person to draw a parallel with, I totally forgot about how she handled all that.

I only know OW through pics...I'm resisting the urge to cyber stalk, will only hurt more.

May I ask what your 24 hour ultimatum was?

What a messed up situation. Your WS, is messed up and I think the woman he is about to "marry" is even more messed up then he is. He told her he was leaving you? And ummm...10 years later he still hasn't left and she's still around?? Who is the loser in that situation?

Then to top it off he hasn't left after 10 years, so probably for a year or two she's been accumulating "evidence" to send to you?? Saving boarding passes, texts, stray hairs(I'm exaggerating but seriously), so that she can show his wife that he's been cheating for 10 years. "Well, he won't leave his wife, I will make her kick him out so that I can finally have him". Ummmm...2nd place much loser whore?? More like last place loser whore, because if you had to throw him under the bus to get his wife to kick him out, do you think he's going to stick around her for very long???

And the cake topper, he tells her that she needs to get rid of their baby to have a chance at happiness in the future...and she bought it did what he asked and he still didn't leave you. ARE EITHER OF THEM FOR REAL??? Is she a crack dealer? I want some of what she is smoking? And this is her prize, her KISA?? April, I know it doesn't feel this way, but send her a "Thank You" card at least a pretend thank you card (because please do NOT engage in any conversation with this scuzbag whore), she has done you a HUGE FAVOUR.

Oh my...April3216, grab some popcorn and candy (but small size) because this will be a short ride on the Karma bus for your WS and for her. (or maybe it will be a looooooooooooong ride filled with 20+ years of deception.

What is happening right now is what has to happen. Your WS KNOWS there is no F'ing way you will take him back. He now is trapped into going with her. He will be like a rat in a trap trying to get out. I guarantee it he will have another woman no later then 6 months. GUARANTEED.

Put some butter on that popcorn and take him for all that he's worth because this whore will get pregnant faster then you can say "salami sandwich" and the first person to get the child support wins. Protect yourself and your baby!

You say she's beautiful. She could be the most gorgeous thing since Catherine Zeta Jones in Zorro, but she's the ugliest thing around on the inside. Looks will only get her so far. For being so "beautiful" how come she needs a married man? Think about it...because no man in their right mind would touch her with a 1000 foot pole. (Your WS is obviosly not in his right mind!)

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 6:30 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]