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I think what might be being suggested is that SS gets a thrill/sense of drama in the retelling and response, here, to her very dramatic and unusual situation. It does garner more attention than the mundane.

I think there may be something to what Aubrie is saying. Perhaps SS isn't "enjoying" this attention. But, the attention she's receiving from us here on SI is certainly is a distraction.

I think at the core of Aubrie's post is that all of this drama has been a "substitute" for SS's affair. Whether or not she's enjoying it, none of us would know. But, at the very least, perhaps this drama is serving as a distraction from getting down to the root of her issues.

*sigh*

I am not saying at all she got her kicks with the daughter spewing hate at her father. Please don't put words in my mouth.

Sure it's between her and Swat what she's doing as far as healing. I asked a simple question which she may or may not chose to answer. I asked it based on my observations. That's the whole point of SI. Difference of opinion. Different views, yes?

Based off her self proclaimed Drama Queen issues, and all the chaos that enshrouds her threads, I was curious how her work is going. Is she working on it, or is her posts an extension of previous behavior?

My question was not meant to inflame or hurt.

ETA: outtamymind got it. You know how alot of times wayward spouses replace their AP with their BS? That idea is what I was getting at with the drama.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 3:39 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]

At the risk of appearing to pile on, which is not my intention, Aubrie is, as usual, intuitive and spot on. And not afraid to call 'em like she sees 'em.

All we have to go on is a person's posting history on SI. If you've upgraded to SImplicity, when viewing a member's profile showing her recent posts, posts from the member on her own thread are highlighted. SS17's posting list shames the sun, unlike any I've seen.

SoSorry17, you rarely interact, you ignore tough questions. You don't post on other threads, offering empathy, validation or advice. You soliloquize.

What books have you read? What revelations stirred from their pages have left you thunderstruck? I'm not saying you haven't done any work or made any progress, but you haven't shared it here.

All that matters is what SWAT sees every day

ITA. The rest of us can only rely upon the evidence at hand.

Please don't put words in my mouth.

I'm not. I voiced my opinion. If I'm wrong, I'll own it.

Oh to be one of the popular kids...

If anything, we're all guilty of feeding into the drama if that's what we want to call it. But there is a lot of SWAT support on this site, it's only natural his wife is just as popular, which is my tongue in cheek way to say that we're not acting childish here, maybe popular is a poor choice of word but for the moment I can't think of a better one. I'm just trying to add levity I think. SS and Swat's sitch is not unusual or unique, but that maybe we're all taking an unusual interest into it.

Keep posting SS for the support you feel you need.

Well we lost power the other day and yesterday Swat took everyone to the state fair. There was a LEO memorial.

To answer some of the questions. Yes I'm in IC. I've read how to help your spouse heal from your affair, after the affair, not just friends and there are others. I'm sorry that it seems I'm not empathetic to others, but I'm uncomfortable giving advice. I'm struggling with my own issues and do not want to make matters worse for others. The thunderstruck moment that hit me hardest was reading the list in how to help. I did so much wrong after dday.

Believe me or not, I don't like rehashing or retelling what has happened. But getting it out and seeing every ones different opinion or view does keep me from getting depressed or defensive. I'm sorry that you all seem to feel I've become the drama queen of SI. So I'll just back off.

SoSorry, you backing off is not the point at all.

The premise of SI is others seeing your situation objectively and offering their views and support. (As best we can, with what little or great amount of info shared by the poster.)

What stands out to me is the sharing of the more "superficial" (for lack of a better word) side of things. You haven't shared very much, if any, of your internal work here. That was the reason for my question. Everyone here wants everyone else to be healthy. Sure. Vent. Yell. Hash crap out. We all do it. But don't get so caught up in that stuff and forget the more important detail, internal self work.

Remember a couple months ago and you told the story about you sitting at the table with all the other wives while you planned Memorial Day stuff. You started crying and left for the bathroom and there was this major comforting and back patting thing? It was about you and the drama you created. It was also around the same time you admitted to enjoying having attention and drama.

SI is a valuable tool. It's easy to continue unhealthy behaviors with healthier options. However it's not fixing the issue. It's just continuing thru a different venue. I encourage you to use the site for its full offerings. Not the possible continuing indulgence in a familiar behavior. Does that make sense?

Ultimately it's your life and your choices. This is just the ramblings of a fellow FWW.

I truly wish you the best. I wish you healing.

SS, please don't run away. You don't need to post on others threads to be a help to others.

I for one have learned much from yours and Swat's threads.

Aubrie is just trying to help you. Please do t take offense.

(Aubrie, sorry if I spoke out of turn)

SS, please stick around. Your experiences are helpful to others.

Not quite sure why the responses have turned the way they have. It was quite clear from her husband's posts that she WAS working hard, and most of the posts here are similar to a lot of posts here - she posted what happened and ask for help.

Frankly I don't get the "deep internal work" comments. But then maybe that is why my own reconciliation is where it is after 5 years.

There was a way to make Aubrie's point in about 2 sentences. What transpired in this thread since has little to do with helping the poster - which is what I though was the whole point here.

SS17 has been VERY personal about details. One possible explanation, the least likely in my opinion, is she gets a thrill sharing them.

ANOTHER, and far more likely explanation of her sharing details that are actually personal is that she is WORKING.

The result is someone who sought help has been driven away: someone who was pretty personal in their struggle. Ironically, the most recent posts didn't even receive that many responses.

The last few posts here have very little to do with trying to help someone who asked for help.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 7:27 PM, August 23rd (Saturday)]

If SS17 wants to take Aubrie's comments out of context and walk away and be defensive about this and continue to act dramatic that is her right.

After all what are all of you doing? Begging her not to go. Leave it alone and let her do what she wants. She is either going to learn to take constructive criticism and figure out what fits for her on this forum or she isn't. It is what all waywards had to learn here. Some ran away, some didn't. Up to her.

We know it is true pre-affair that drama was "her thing". And after d-day, while still figuring out how to make things better at home, she faltered and created more drama. But once her AP started drama levels that were actually scary for the family, I think sosorry17 is NOT liking this drama.

She is reporting it here, because, she is sharing here. As she says, the good, the bad and the ugly. How can she share, and not mention the terrific stresses being placed upon her recovery efforts.

She was a lost girl prior to d-day. She did not ask for this additional drama, she can only deal with it.

SS

Since I think it was my post to you in SWAT’s original thread that got you to post here then I’m calling in a favor:

Go and read Aubrie’s comments with a more open and … humble… mindset.

I think she’s on to something and like all posters that take the time to share then it’s done from care and love.

I think I get what she’s getting at and I sort of agree with her. It’s definitely something you should look at.

I told you some time ago to focus on YOU. And you have made immense progress. But the focus also tends to be on SWAT and what he needs – sometimes at a possible cost at YOUR progress.

Keep in mind that if you don’t want a poster to share on your threads you can ask them to stay away. But Aubrie is a poster that I respect and would definitely listen to.

There is a difference between liking drama and feeding off of it. I would be willing to bet that SS17 is accurate in saying that she doesn't like this drama. What I would question is whether or not she is feeding off of it, consciously or subconsciously.

Discussing the drama and dealing with all of the chaos is a distraction from working on and looking at what is going on inside of her. Admittedly along the way there have been some lightbulb moments but not when you really stop and analyze your own personal flaws and characteristics. The chaos becomes the focal point rather than the deep digging that has to happen eventually to heal.

Some of the chaos isn't necessarily yours. It has kept you connected (even in a negative way) to your AP. Start letting go of the things that are not within your control and work on the that are.

I think some of the questions and comments are right on point. Sometimes it's easier to put out fires and handle the problems that are urgent. Eventually the dust will settle and it does. Or life gets in the way of healing and self work. That's pretty much what has happened to me. I went to IC for 9 months then I felt like I was good to go. Done. Healed. Better.

What I should have done was kept reading. More dilegent on SI. Creating new healthy behaviors and thought processes. I didn't do enough. My project was half complete but I didn't notice. I'm back in IC as of this week and realize that I need to be on top of this. Boundaries aren't as natural to me as they should be. New coping mechanisms are still needed.

SS17 I think if you backed off of SI now it would do more damage than good. Keep posting and give some more thought about what you need to do for the long term. I was sharing my story with you not to T/J cuz I fhink it can easily happen to any of us. You have come so far and I'm really happy for you. It's a long road so you definitely need to stick around here.

I find it really hard to post on threads sometimes since I don't know why anyone would want advice from me. Still not healed. And not as far along as I need to be. But it helps you think things thru more and remember what else you need to do.

Hi SS,

I hope you haven't completely left SI.

Sometimes, it can get a little rough in here. But, I think if you were to go back and look at all of the replies, an overwhelming majority of them are helpful and come from a good place.

The people here do care, and want to help if you ask for it.

Like I said, it can be tough to read some of the replies. We've all gotten 2x4's at one time or another. The key is to read the replies with an open mind...as you have done for the most part. It takes a while for some of the concepts to sink in. Sometimes, we're so deep in the "fog" or so deep in our own selfishness that we become defensive. I think you can even say that, initially, you were quite defensive when you first got here. But, as you posted and read replies, you began to see how some of your thinking was off. That's how SI works.

And, don't get me wrong. Sometimes it's ok to back off SI for a while. Many have done it. We all choose our own path, and there is no "right" formula.

I know you're going to IC, and that's great. However, in my opinion, SI is a great supplement to going to IC because you can ask questions here and get answers from people who have already been through it. There are many former waywards here who have changed for the better and are reconciled with their spouses, and can give you their perspective.

On the flip side, there are also many WS and FWS here that haven't done all the work yet, and are still working through their own issues, who may comment and reply to your posts and might not give you the best answers. As the saying goes, "take what you need and leave the rest".

We're all pulling for you and Swat, SS. Perhaps even some of us are living vicariously through you as you've been afforded the opportunity to reconcile. Many here have not been given that option.

Regardless of your decision to post here or not, I wish you good luck.

SS,

I am another one who is picking up what Aubrie is laying down. I am actually an example of it.

I do believe that we waywards sometimes replace the AP with our BS. We work sooo hard to do everything in our power to be the model wayward and take care of our BS (as we should). But, sometimes we allow it tondistractnus from doing the deep work on ourselves.

You know how the A was an addiction. It wasn't really ever about the AP. It wasn't about our BS. It was about the fix and keeping up our supply of ego kibbles and brain chemicals, attempting to fill the gaping hole inside.

For me it really was an addiction. The contact was an addiction. I replaced it with SI in the beginning. Who replied to my thread? What did they say? Did someone notice me?

I had to back away and really reel myself in. I had to monitor my thoughts and feelings, still do. There is a fine line between giving and receiving help and getting our fix of external validation.

Don't run away from SI. If something smarts you need to look at it closer, ruminate on it, figure it out. Stick around and look within. You will in time see that there is another layer to this onion...and then another, and so on.

Aubrie absolutely is trying to help you. She can smell this stuff a mile away because she has been there herself. We all have. Take it in, think about it, then come back and tell us about it. We will still be here.

I'm sorry that you all seem to feel I've become the drama queen of SI. So I'll just back off.

What about working through your issues while helping your daughter?

I'm worried, DD was kind of smug when she came in. I know the look, I've done it myself. She played him and I think he knows it. I'm sad because I think he was tricked by DD, which she likely learned from watching me.

Then later dd manages to announce for the world to near that her dad is an a$$hole. That stops all conversation dead in its tracks. Everyone was stunned yet again and decided it was time to go. I talked with dd and told her that was not acceptable. She says she is very mad at him because he doesn't love us anymore.

If the two of you work on emotional regulation and self-soothing techniques, I think you'll both be happier in the long run.

I took the kids to the mall and bought Swat a new iphone.

DD wanted to give him the new phone and she did.

You can't buy your way out of "Drama Queen." It will take a lot of humility and grace. Focus on your daughter (but not to the exclusion of your sons). I expect the new school year will provide a lot of teaching moments for both of you.

Good luck!!

SS, I'm sorry this thread took such a strange turn. It WAS about you trying to save your marriage, and somehow turned into a bunch of people threadjacking it and making it about themselves. Then talking ABOUT you in the 3rd person, rather than talking TO you.

I understand pointing out that you should try to engage more, including commenting on other people's threads. And I understand cautioning you to avoid feeding on the drama and attention of SI, particularly with your history of drama-addiction. But to criticize your overall posting style, say your posting style makes you a drama queen, and then start huffing and foot stomping when you back away from posting?? I don't understand that.

In my opinion, it's hypocritical to stir up a bunch of drama on someone else's thread, then call YOU a drama queen when you refuse to engage. It really came across as catty and I think people may be jealous that you're getting so much attention. But that's just from my perspective.

I really hope you continue to use this resource. And if you need to stand up for yourself, then do it.

No stop sign, so I hope this is ok...

You can fix you and only you. You cannot fix your hubby. However, you can hurt him more by NOT fixing you or your shit. This is a definite! His healing will come through yours and through his own emotions and actions. I struggle with my WS's betrayal every moment. Maybe I would heal better if he wasn't remorseful one minute and acting ignorant the next. Basically, do the following:

Do not lie about anything.

Do not hold back if he asks details.

Do not get defensive with him.

Be the best you that you can be.

Take it one day at a time (one breath at a time, too).

This list goes on and on. You get what I'm saying probably. Good luck!!