SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Gently, if she was seeing him before your 2nd daughter was born, is there any chance you are not her biological father?

Cordell and Cordell is a men's rights law firm, a very good one

Nah, she was not seeing him before she got pregnant. She was into him while she was pregnant.

I had to re-read that part to make sure. I'm not sure if it was just an attraction thing, but I have no evidence that these are not my kids.

Western,

That's who I am talking with.

Do not take any chances, get an IT guy to get information off all PC's.

Tell other guy's wife (But do not tell any one)

If you know when and where he and your wife had the deed, you can pass that on to her.. She can match it with her time line and know he was not with her.

When you get proof, emails and docs, forward that to his wife. (DO NOT TELL ANY ONE) just do it.

Get a paternity test on all your kids, why? You mentioned on your post, that there is a "pattern" and last time she stopped because she was caught.

I think there is more to this than you think its just a matter of how far you want to go down the rabbit hole. I wish you the best in your healing, please stay safe, healthy and focused on your kids.

Make no mistake though, you are at war,(you just didnt know it) as hostile as it seems, love and war are not much different.

The lies I see from that chat have just completely opened my eyes. Such a fool.

No, you are not a fool. And being lied to is what makes affairs affairs. It is all about lies.

It is also said that the WW lies to themselves as much as they do to their BHs.

Affairs are all about lies. Irrational, fantasy, stupid lies.

When the lying stops the affairs stop.

And most certainly do not tell your wife you will be seeing a lawyer. Keep your cool and see if she will give you her passwords.

Rebuilding trust is the only way to R, and your wife needs to understand that.

ICan - a few more points that might help:

Your kids - You say you want to help them. Good! They should be a huge priority for you right now. But there is only two scenarios that will help them: (1) being married to a faithful wife and (2) not being married to an unfaithful wife. The option of staying with a wife who is committing infidelity is not healthy for them and is way worse than being divorced.

The emails - This one is really tough. If you are in a situation where there is genuine remorse and both people are working hard on R then you are correct, you don't need to and shouldn't read those emails. These are words and images that will stick with you for long time and hinder your recovery. The problem is that I don't think are in that situation. Your wife is not committed to R (she isn't giving you access to devices, she is mooning over AP, etc.) and therefore you need these emails as part of your overall strategy for protecting yourself and eventually, possibly, reconciling.

The AP and OBS - One of the things that I don't think has been fully covered so far is that the AP is very unlikely to leave his wife. It has happened, of course. But I'd say it is pretty rare (others with more experience please weigh in if I'm off on this one!). Now, your wife doesn't know this. And, possibly, even the AP doesn't know this yet! But it is a fact. The reason this is so important is that if you are worried about being firm with your wife, filing for (but not necessarily completing) divorce, doing a 180, etc. because you think your wife will run/fall into the arms of the AP, I think you can put that fear away. There will come a time, likely soon, when your WW realizes that her AP is NOT leaving his wife. That is probably going act as a massive fan to blow away the fog around her. Then she will start saying "wtf am I doing?"

Sex just once - Brother, I'm sorry to tell you, that just isn't the way it went down. If I had a nickel for every WS that told that story (including mine) I'd make Bill Gates look like a pauper. Why does this matter? Because you need to get angry. You need to stop believing the bullshit that is coming out of her mouth.

She is not your friend - I want to add a little more perspective on this one. When posters say this, technically they are right. She is absolutely not acting as a friend. She does not have your best interests at heart right now. But what I'm worried about is that this is such a strong statement that you might recoil from it and say, "wait, no, not her, not my wife." Because the fact is that she likely still does have feelings for you. Possibly deep feelings of some sort. She is very likely conflicted about leaving you and the kids. But make no mistake: she is not acting like a friend. she is acting like your enemy. She may or may not be a monster. But she is acting like one and you need to respond accordingly.

Her work computer - I'm not a lawyer so take make advice on this one with a 50 lb. bag of salt, but I don't get why you getting information off of here and even putting on tracking software would be illegal. Or even if it is illegal in some way, are they really going to do anything about it? I'm not seeing it. Ask your lawyers but I wouldn't worry so much about this.

You as a fool - No! You are not a fool. You trusted your wife. That is not a mistake. That is your job as a husband and human being. Imagine a marriage and a life if we didn't trust people. It was she who abused your trust. You didn't make a mistake to trust her.

My observation is that the cheating does not kill the marriage, the continued lying AFTER discovered about the affair is what kills the marriage.

My observation is that blowing up the other man frequently shows the wife what the other man is really all about - just a little sex on the side; certainly not worth losing their marriage for the cheating wife. Who wants a cheater? Not even another cheater usually wants to attach onto that. Frequently I see the wife expecting the other man to "fight for her." Instead she finds out the other man "runs from her." The fantasy dies quickly then. Especially if other man knows you won't just take it, the other man typically believe it isn't worth it.

I suggest raising the heat on other man with his job and his wife.

OP, I don't normally comment on threads. But your situation moves me.

I am with the other posters - your wife is not getting enough consequences, you cannot nice her back, she is in the fog and lying through her teeth most likely.

Good luck. Sorry that you'll be needing it. But keep strong - use us here for support, and you will make it through. The unworthy person your spouse became - emotionally distance yourself and do not take a single thing she says as other than self serving cr*p, unless you have physical proof and total openness. Her word is proven worthless.

I confronted her tonight. I was who I haven't been in years. I told her the boundaries for work. The NC rules.

I told her about what I knew. That I had uncovered more truth and that I see what her web of lies looks like. I can see her more clearly and it has opened my eyes.

I made sure that she knew that if there were ever any contact again with him it was over.

I also go the email account. It's all gone but I have the account.

The 180s work. I ignored her. She suddenly seems to care more. I did something without her.

I went and talked with my brother who went through this but with no kids. That was nice. I wasn't going to but I did anyway.

I feel better after this. After I learned the truth of who my wife is currently. It feels really good to feel like the old me again for once.

I know this is not even day-by-day but moment-by-moment, but at least I have this one thing for now. I asserted control again. I scared her, which I don't think she had any of before.

She wants to continue to see the MC. I told her many times that I thought it was a waste of time until she figures her shit out. I am going to concede this week. I don't want her to get suspicious before I go to the lawyer.

This morning all I wanted was her. Today I felt like I was ready to be done. Now, I'm not sure. It's so stupid but for some reason I almost feel like I can grow to trust her.

She said that even though she loves her job, she would quit for me.

You can start D and stop at any time. You can also just go to the lawyer to learn your options.

It takes years of her doing the right thing for you to trust her. You cannot trust her especially at the beginning. You need a keylogger and a VAR.

"You can start D and stop at any time."

This is a key fact that every BS needs to realize.

I think the most effective move for a BS, even one who wants to eventually R, is to file for D immediately.

It sends an unmistakeable message to the WS that no more of their crap will be tolerated, and they are truly on the edge of losing everything in their life as they know it: their M, time with their kids, the respect of family and friends....ALL OF IT.

It forces THEM, the WS, to either make a serious commitment to fixing the M they have destroyed or watching their entire lives dismantled.

Once they are served, a BS will really see if the WS has the desire and determination to do R....if they dither, dally, whine,rage, or complain, then they never had what was necessary to R anyway...and the BS is at least spared the pain of wondering where their WS is truly at.

Make THEM choose.

The BS either sees what they want and need...or they punt the WS.

And you definitely need to DNA test your youngest considering that the A was going on prior to your WW's pregnancy.

And expose ASAP to POSOM's BW.....give that scumbag something to worry about then trying to continue the A with your WW or trying to be there to support/comfort her.

I urge you to buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) immediately and use it to record every interaction with her. It's possible she might try to falsely accuse you of domestic violence, especially if she suspects you'll file for divorce.

Also, please google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free and it might help you tremendously.

Furthermore, when you'll have time, read http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=547220 and take steps to protect yourself and the kids.

Keep talking to us, we're here for you.

Best wishes

Late to this party. ICO, sorry you're here. This sucks, it really does. A few thoughts:

* You've been getting excellent advice. You may feel overwhelmed and think it's too harsh, that you'll drive her away. You may get cold feet and want to give in a little, take the heat off. Don't do this -- stay the course! Arm yourself with information, lay down your boundaries, and exit infidelity with extreme prejudice.

* Be suspicious of rapid changes in attitude. She's fooled you before. Cheaters are great at acting and deceiving to get what they want. She might want to convince you that she's seen the light without doing any of the hard work, so that you'll take her back cheaply. Don't fall for that.

* Read my profile to find out what happens if you try to play nice and be "reasonable," it ain't pretty, trust me.

Good luck. You'll get through it but it will take all your strength and courage. Fight for yourself and your children -- because your WW sure as fuck won't.

I'm back down at a low point.

She broke down, and I mean really broke down after she saw me attempting to get the emails back. They are gone for good. She did a great job at all.

I know that I cannot nice her back and who wants to be with a sobbing person.

If I'm truly being honest though, I think I checked out a while ago. I've had thoughts of infidelity. More than just seeing a pretty girl and thinking "Damn, I'd hit that."

In my anger, I thought how much easier it would be for me if she'd die in a plane crash on one of her work trips.

I did that. I thought that. Maybe we're both fucked up. I realize now how much I truly care for her. It hurts me to know how far astray I went. I probably would have had an affair too if I'd had the option.

These thoughts are kind of rocking me to the core. I didn't have the affair, but I was a really shitty husband.

You may have thought about infidelity but guess what??? You didn't do it. SHE DID!!!!

Do not fool yourself please. You scaring her and her crying does not mean a damm thing. She will become unscared very quickly if what you have done so far is the extent of your actions and her consequences.

It seems like you are starting to go back to the mistake of blaming yourself. Not a smart thing to do. If you truly are check out yourself, then that is another reason to file for divorce. As you have been told numerous times already, you can stop the process any time you want to.

So right now you are going to MC with a wife who has probably already set up another e mail or social media account with OM . If she was so good at deleting everytihng you really think she just dropped him because you caught her????????

Quitting her job really means nothing right now because she banged him when he came to your hometown, which can easily happen again, so cancelling the business trip to where he is ( and you should insist on that) does not solve the problem. Even if she is not working for same company if you do not blow up his life he just calls her when he comes to town again, and he will not send you his itinerary.

Lastly, her "friends" who know about this and ewho have been encouraging it and covering for her if this has been going on have to be cut out of her life. They are ENEMIES of your marriage .

Now whenyou sit there for no reason and listen to her lie her ass off to the MC, Id reflect on if this is really the course you want to take. If you attend that MC there should be absolutely NOTHING discussed except what is going to happen if she does not confess everything. Sitting there for an hour asking her WHY is a useless exercise.

So far all you have is crying and regret she got caught. You should not settle for that/

to be blunt...

If she is still going to work, and you have done nothing to out him, they are still talking.

You may think 'oh no, she is SOOOO sorry. You should see her - she is a sobbing mess!"

Oh, but I did see this. Saw my own wife on the floor, curled up in a ball crying.

Then she went to work and they talked every possible moment on the office communicator system, and her work phone. Talked about the tragedy of their lost love, talked about managing me - keeping me from outing them at work etc.

You are totally kidding yourself if you think otherwise.

They compartmentalize to the point you would think they were two different people.

You told her boundaries for work?

Sorry, my man. Unless she leaves that job completely, they're in contact..talking, sharing pain, etc etc. Maybe even planning your exit.

The boundary for work should be "Pack your desk and give notice TODAY"