SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think everyone's just over thinking things.

It seems to get to a point where someone asking for advice here just needs to step back a little from SI and restrict how often they come here or else they just drive themselves mad with what if's.

There has been some great advice for W but eventually it just comes down to time and seeing what's best for the individual.

I may ask him about it.

Good idea. I think you should. Because, at this point you want to identify who is and is not friends of the M. If BIL's apparent discomfort over the situation will infect the others then I think it needs to be addressed. I suggest a one to one discussion over lunch, or off to the quiet room of the house at the next family get together. Just walk up to him, hand him a beer, ask if you can talk to him in private and say "I noticed you seem very comfortable through all of this. I would like to give you a chance to have your say in the matter without everyone's presence."

Then hope the fuck whatever he has to say isn't anything more serious than "Dude, it all just makes me feel awkward..." or something like it.

Or talk to the SIL first about BIL if you're not comfortable talking to him directly at this point.

Best wishes

In fact, I'd harvest a ton of entertainment out of the dude. His damn wife just covered up a break in No Contact after all.

I'd sit right next to him and maintain eye contact the entire time. Even sip your drink without breaking eye contact.

It's a dumb brother-in-law. They were made to drink with on holidays, nothing more, nothing less. W has about eight billion and a half more important things to worry about. Fuck with him a little bit and then move on.

It's a dumb brother-in-law.

My ex-brother-in-law had an Ashley Madison account.

Disturbing, because I actually liked the guy.

Eric - 'They were made to drink with on holidays, nothing more, nothing less.'

You're cracking me up.

Nothing against guys please, but I do notice when they get together, it's all about a beer and games - anything BUT the elephant in the room. Many men don't know how to handle that, if I'm not mistaken. Emotions are just NOT talked about when men are in a group.

It sounds awful of people to ASSume that he'd be involved in something nefarious, just because he's nervous. 100 push-ups you guys for even suggesting this about W's BIL. You have no proof of anything. It's one thing to be devils advocate...but, lets let off on the whorly-wind of 'anything is possible'.

However, I agree - I'd get on a one on one with him in a comfortable setting and let him know you're sorry he's involved in this. And, see what he says.

Respectfully, submitted.

Nothing against guys please, but I do notice when they get together, it's all about a beer and games - anything BUT the elephant in the room.

...so true.

Many men don't know how to handle that, if I'm not mistaken. Emotions are just NOT talked about when men are in a group.

Get TOO much beer in us, not only does the elephant get noticed, but becomes a punch line for a bit. Then the emotions get spilt....oh, the emotions...momentarily before the yacking begins...."I love you, man! You're my bestest bro...BRO!!!"

This happens when "beer before liquor, makes you sicker."

SheWiz & JDuff - I'll talk to him, but he's really not a priority. It was just an observation. I assume nothing bad. My take is that since his wife has been talking to mine non-stop, he's been getting an earful about everything she did and I have done since. More than he probably ever wanted to hear and it's making him uncomfortable around me since I am the "victim" and he likely knows a great deal of what my wife has done. In all the glorious details. That's all.

Hi Walloped.

To her credit your wife did the right thing when she saw you trigger. So kudos to her for that.

But this has got to be hard on your right now, the dilemma of who you see when you look at your wife.

On one hand you see the woman you married. The one who supported you and raised the kids, the one who always had your back.

But you also see the one who utterly betrayed you. I read thru the answers she gave to your questions. That is one of the most gut wrenching things I have read in a long time. All the things she did with the OM while telling him she loved him...wow. It made me want to vomit, I cannot imagine how you felt sitting at that table. That you kept your cool and did not go off into a destructive fit speaks volumes to your character.

I was watching Kill Bill Vol 2 last night and thought of your situation. The scene where Bill and The Bride/Uma Thurman are talking and she said "Could you do what you did...of course you could. But I never thought you would or could do that to me." Bill-"I'm really sorry kiddo, but you thought wrong."

The fact that you are "Wanting to want to R" after all that is really amazing. I am not being sarcastic. You are a good guy. I am not saying you should or should not R. You are the one living it, we are just outsiders giving advice.

I would just suggest again that you take your time. No need to make any decision based on what she is or is not doing at this moment. . Spend time doing things you like to do. Give your brain a break. Let her wait while you plan your path forward. She is not going anywhere.

[This message edited by ramius at 11:28 PM, September 9th (Wednesday)]

Ramius - Thanks. I always liked that scene. Didn't remember that line, I do remember the one about Superman, though. Classic.

No, I'm not even close to being a good guy. I leave out a lot of things (doesn't seem like it, I know), but that list took place over a weekend. There were lots of breaks, crying, me storming off, some yelling, deep breaths, the works. I think I didn't go overboard, but I didn't sit there passively either. And yes it was torture. But not knowing and imagining everything was worse. So, lesser of two evils where both really suck.

I guess I kind of prepared myself for it all anyway. Mostly because of you all here on SI who warned me. So I assumed the worst before the convo and she just confirmed what I already knew but hoped wasn't true.

As far as R goes, I personally don't see how doing or not doing a particular act makes R more or less likely. "Oh, you only had sex but didn't give him a blowjob? Thank God. Let's head to MC." or, "Hold up. You had sex AND a blowjob? That's it, we're getting a divorce. Sex is one thing, but a blowjob too? I'm outta here."

It's all one big stinking pile of shit.

I'm trying to think of her as other have suggested - the W and the WW. I want to reconcile with the W. I just need to see that she's still there.

In response about your BIL and maybe we can put it to rest.

W said - 'More than he probably ever wanted to hear and it's making him uncomfortable around me since I am the "victim" and he likely knows a great deal of what my wife has done. In all the glorious details. That's all."

Can you imagine how hard this probably on his own marriage? His wife's full focus has been consumed with your affairs and trying to help as best she can. He's probably losing personal contact with his own wife. It might be time to take the entire 'affair' more private and let that couple go and live their lives.

I think it's good to have space because people hurt so much right along with you..

I know your wife needs her sister but I found I wore out people pretty fast after a short time.

And, these were 4 sisters and a brother.

(who put up with my anger and vitriol for a full year - bless their hearts)

It's always really hard to know what people are thinking and I think your BIL needs some Shari's Berries, or something..

Ricky Roma: 'You never open your mouth until you know what the shot is".

JDuff - "Get TOO much beer in us, not only does the elephant get noticed, but becomes a punch line for a bit. Then the emotions get spilt....oh, the emotions...momentarily before the yacking begins...."I love you, man! You're my bestest bro...BRO!!!"

"When you little scamps get together, you're worse than a sewing circle." -Mrs Mia Wallace

Sorry, haven't figured out how to quote in those white blocks yet.

Get the BIL drunk one on one. Dude's got serious Intel.

So W when is the big talk with your W?

And how are the kids handling this separation so far and are you coping with your job?

The discussion about the BIL is like arguing over the color of the walls in the ER room while the patient is still bleeding to death. This isn’t the time or place to deal with that issue.

The argument over whether R is possible, should ever be done and all that… Once again I refer to the founders of this site, some of our mods and numerous posters that are loved and respected. In that group you find those that have successfully reconciled or successfully divorced. Both are possible and both are solutions out of infidelity.

Just to put this argument to rest: The often-heard suggestion of divorcing and then reestablishing a pseudo-like-marriage with your wayward spouse makes about as much sense to me as suggesting you amputate a broken leg, see if the amputated leg heals and then carry it along with you when you go places.

I think that those that question every fart Mrs. Walloped makes have maybe seen too many movies with Dr. Evil.

Last but not least before I get on to Mr. W situation: I have never ever condoned or supported that the affair is never discussed. That’s not reconciliation. A couple that successfully reconciles can bring up the infidelity and its consequences anytime, anywhere. But a couple that successfully reconciles will realize that the need to do so will diminish with time.

Walloped – to me it sounds as if you really are grasping what you want to do and what you are facing. Sounds as if you have a destination in mind and know the direction to take. I have this theory that we KNOW when we realize a marriage can’t be saved and at no time have I gotten that message clearly in your posts.

So… If you want to reconcile… then how about starting at it?

There has been some discussion about who needs to lift the weight of R. Well… each has to carry his weight. Your WW needs to do IMMENSE work, as do you. Rather than discussing who needs to carry the weight the questions should be who leads the way. Who defines the path? Who clears the track? Who pulls the other?

Along the path one might lead at times, one might lag behind and – eventually – you walk side-by-side.

IMHO then right now you have two immense advantages over your wife:

Reconciliation is yours to give.

You have a resource like SI to help you the first steps.

I would suggest you visit your wife. Let her know that you have decided that you want to reconcile. Tell her you have doubts about if it will work out and that there is an immense path ahead. The only commitment you can make right now is that you will try. Be totally honest: I can imagine that you have your doubts and issues. Don’t hesitate to tell her how conflicted you are about her as the woman you love and her as the woman that inflicted the worst pain possible on you. Make it clear that if she commits to it then the goal is to create the best marriage possible, based on mutual respect and love.

Be clear on getting an answer from her. She needs to tell you that she accepts your gift and is willing to do the work.

Like I have said: She doesn’t have the same resource as you. Her support system is weaker. I can’t imagine she’s getting much sleep. I doubt she can be a capable mother. I doubt she’s out in society. Remember the place you were in mentally and emotionally 7-14 days ago? Well… she doesn’t have Brad or a trip to get her out of a serious slump. I would have serious concerns about her emotional state.

Yes – she has to lift her own weight but NOW it’s probably up to you to let her know that you are setting off on a journey and she’s welcome to take the first steps with you.

And W: That’s it. You don’t have to talk any more about the affair when you tell her this. She won’t be able to tell you why in a way that is understandable. You two won’t solve your problems or your issues that afternoon. You don’t have to move back in, become intimate or behave as if nothing is wrong. Feel better being separated for now? Then go away once you tell her you want to R. But let her know where you are headed.

Bigger is again spot on. She must really want to let you know how she is and how her therapy is coming along. 3 day a week IC is much more than most. I think you will need to let her know what is needed. My prayer today is for the guidance to support your wife and the mother of your children in the journey of healing.

Good morning

Duly noted CanoeVA's point. Will do my utmost to keep the little devil from advocating and getting caught up with the less relevant and low priority details!

It's all one big stinking pile of shit.

YUP!!! and I could add a few adjectives and expletives for emphasis...but no emphasis is necessary!

Remember those rubber boots!

Your life, your decision, AND; on your time!

I see Bigger has made a suggestion to let your W know that you are thinking about R, but I also observe you are still conflicted (and rightly so) Perhaps a wait and see approach is still in order?? When you are in a position to make a decision and know it is the right one, I have no doubt Mrs. will be the first to know! I'm just not sure telling her now is what you need to do.

This happens when "beer before liquor, makes you sicker."

JDuff....

Made me think of ....Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker! Just inserting a little levity for a nanosecond!

And on that note, wish you a better day today!

WTTS

Suggesting that Wallup tell his wife that he wants to reconcile before Wallup has decided that he wants to reconcile may be, respectfully, the worst advice that I've ever read on this board.

It's his decision to make.