So a lot has happened over the weekend so far. Mostly positive. I went home last night. Showed up at the door. Kids were happy to see me. So was my wife. I had my stuff in the car still. I knew my intentions but didn't know where she stood. Anyway, we ate dinner with the kids and after, she asked me if we could talk. She said that she had so much to say and tell me, but before we did all that she wanted to apologize. Meaningfully and sincerely. She said she's so so sorry for causing me so much pain and hurt. She said she doesn't know how she can ever make it up to me, but she wants to spend the rest of her life trying. She doesn't know what I plan on doing, and she knows she has no right to ask, but before I make any life altering decisions, could I at least give her the opportunity to show me how much she loves me and how much she wants a life with me and only me. And how she can be the person I need her to be. She knows she made the worst decision in her life and she'll regret it forever, and she doesn't deserve for me to want to be with her, but she wants to try and show me that I can be happy with her, and if I let her try, she'll dedicate herself to me and the family. To be the best wife and mother she can be. So I told her what I basically told all of you. That these past 2 weeks were really helpful for me. That I realized she's a different person now, and I don't know who she is anymore. That the person in front of me is not the same person I married. Or maybe she is and the ability to do what she did was always there, and that's a very frightening place for me to be because how do I know it won't happen again? How do I know she's safe for me? How do I know I can trust her? But, I told her that I want to. Or rather, I want to see if she is someone I can feel safe with. If she is someone I want to put the effort of trying to reconcile into. So I asked her if she's really willing to do the work? It's going to be super challenging - for both of us. If she's not willing she should just say so, but if she is, she needs to commit to this. She jumped all over that and said absolutely. Her IC had warned her what would be coming and she was not only prepared but grateful if I gave her a chance.
So I told her that I'm going to give her the opportunity to show me that she is that person, and at the same time I'm going to see if I can be that person who can put in the effort too. And the first thing I need to do is to move back home. She started crying and said thank you about 100 times. Actually alternated between thanking me and thanking God. So I went to the car, got my bags and brought them into my bedroom. I hadn't really been in there for nearly 6 weeks. It was very odd. She looked shocked when I started carrying my stuff up the stairs but didn't say anything. When I started hanging clothes in the closet she started crying again. I said to her that if I'm serious about wanting to see if we can do this and if she's someone I can trust enough to want to reconcile with, well then I can't keep hiding out in the basement. She just grabbed me and hugged me and cried. Again with the thank you's. I did warn her that while I was okay with sleeping in the same bed, I wasn't ready for anything else. She didn't care. She was so happy. I came downstairs. My 19 year old looked at me with big question marks in her eyes and raised eyebrows. I simply said we're going to try. She hugged me as did my 16 year old. Of course my 2 boys saw this mini group hug and decided to dive bomb on top of me. I needed that. I need them. Like blood in my veins, I don't know how I'd survive without my kids.
So we talked. A lot. She told me what she learned at a dozen sessions of IC. Her FOO issues. Her parents have a shitty marriage. I swear they have mismatched dishes from multiple sets because they're constantly throwing them. Her father was abusive. Not sexually, thank God but hitting was common. Both her, her sister, and his wife. And her mom was/is no picnic either. She would curse him out and say the nastiest things. My wife expected our marriage to end up like this. Basically, and she emphasized that these were not excuses, but her warped reasons, she felt useless and unwanted in life. She knew and always treasured her role as a mom but my daughter getting married had her feeling that she was no longer going to be needed. Then what good was she? What value did she provide? She had this need to be loved and told that she was worthy. Apparently, at home, she was always a good for nothing and would get beaten for not doing chores, etc. she thought that was normal life. And so when I was too busy to spend time on the wedding, she started playing these tapes in her head about what the next step was. First I'm abandoning her and leaving her alone to deal with the wedding. Then she has no value because her role as a mother is ending, and soon we won't have a marriage either because we'll end up just like her parents. She was back to being a good for nothing. My "abandoning" her was just the first step. And that's when POS stepped in. She read Shirley Glass' book Not Just Friends while I was gone so she has a much better perspective on what went on, which her IC and her discussed. She confided in him. He was a nice guy. Seemed concerned cause she was walking around rather depressed. And she opened up. She recognizes now what he did. And she realizes that if someone tried hitting on her at a bar, they'd have no chance. He didn't do that. They just talked. He listened. He did everything I wasn't doing at that moment. And he kept complimenting her. Telling her how much she was handling and doing. And she no longer was a good for nothing. She was someone to be valued. She had worth. She was so disgusted with herself when she told me this. Said how she fell for it. No, she ate it up until she craved it. She needed it and he kept validating her. And then he made his moves and kept telling her how wonderful she was. And she ended up sleeping with him. And she felt so dirty and she panicked. She tried to scrub him off and was sure I'd see right away that she cheated. And when I didn't notice what she had done, it just confirmed in her mind that I didn't care about her. But POS did. He valued her. And so she slept with him again because when she did, he would tell her all these wonderful things about herself. And she was so pathetic that she gobbled it up and wanted it like a kid wants candy. She said she didn't truly love him. She recognizes that now. But she really convinced herself that she did. She had to. Otherwise she'd be a cheap slut and she's not a cheap slut who just fucks other men. So it must mean she loved him. And so she devoted herself to that. She invested herself in her love for him because the more she did the better able she could handle sleeping with him and getting the ego boost she wanted, needed, and craved. And so she acted like she loved him. And made herself believed that she did love him and lived that way with him too. And she was so so so sorry for betraying me like that and not believing in my love for her. For forgetting what I do and have done for her and for our family. She just pushed it all to the side cause nothing else mattered as long as she got her validation and ego boosts from him.
She apologized a hundred times for not talking to me about what she was feeling. For not trusting me. And for not seeing POS for what he was.
So we talked about him. I wanted to know where she would be now if my brother hadn't seen her. She admits nothing would have changed. She still maintains that she never thought of leaving me. How she compartmentalized it all. But she did admit that she thought of him a lot even when we were together. She had these things in mind of what he would tell her about herself. She understands now it was all so he could get in her pants, but what she's been working on at IC is why she needed this so desperately and why she has so little value of herself.
No. It was never about the sex. It was about the validation she received before, during, and after. That's why when his wife called her a whore, it hit her so hard. She didn't give it up for dinner and trips to MOMA like her sister said. She whored herself out for compliments. Cheap compliments. And that's when it hit her what she had become.
We talked about other things. Her sister didn't know but suspected. Confronted her based on her behavior but she denied it. Her sister warned her anyway. So that's why she was so pissed at her when it came out. Because she guessed and told my wife to quit whatever she was doing and my wife did it anyway. I asked when this confrontation happened. About 3 weeks before DDay.
I asked about the cuff links. She bought them with him. The more she did for him the more he praised her. Told her how amazing and thoughtful and sensitive she was. Looking back, everything she did, she did for him so he would tell her what she wanted to hear. Funny thing? She hates MOMA. So do I. Can't stand modern art. My wife always make fun of it. Give me the masters, renaissance, impressionists, any day. She went because he wanted to and she wanted to do for him so he would do for her.
She asked about the poly. She wants to take it. She wants to show me she's being open and transparent. No, she says she has not been in contact with him nor received any messages from him through anyone else.
She called my brother to thank him. Told him she doesn't know where she would have ended up as a person if he hadn't seen her and had the guts to tell me. But even if we don't make it, she feels she's much better off as a person now than if she was still with him. So she thanked him for looking out for me and apologized to him for what she did to his brother and nieces and nephews. I didn't hear what he said. All she said back is "I won't." and "Thank you."
And she thanked me for the way I've handles this so far. She fully acknowledges that she wouldn't have been so kind to me - she considers herself way more selfish. I didn't argue the point. And she thanked me for going away. Said while she knows I did it for myself, she needed it to. To really fully think about her situation, devote herself to IC, to devote herself to the kids. and to think about me and what she did to me and what she can do to try and rectify some of this, if I gave her the chance. And how what a shitty person she's been for the past 5 months. That her sister, and my brother and SIL were all so supportive of me and her, and helpful, and she was just so selfish.
And yes, she has lots of self-lothing and shame, and guiilt and all the expected emotions, but she's trying to work through those with her IC so she doesn't focus on them because those don't help her focus on me and her and our future. So she's trying to deal with them in a constructive way so it doesn't impede what she needs to do for us.
And finally, I slept in my bed last night. No. No sex. I'm not there. But it was my bed. We weren't together but we were. It was strange. But oddly okay. I couldn't have done that 2 weeks ago. But I did. Took Ambien to sleep, but I did sleep. She didn't hug me or anything. Just touched my shoulder to say good night and thank you again. Going to go to sleep soon as its after midnight here. One day at a time.
