SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Meaning, I can see that I'll be okay no matter where we end up. I prefer not to end up alone, but if that's what happens, well, I'll be more than sad about it, but it's not the end of the world. I'll be fine. I have my kids, my brother and his family, and I have me. I'll be okay.

^^^^ This is what I'm getting at. Knowing this about yourself can provide you with confidence going forward. That no matter what the outcome, you will be ok. That's an important tool to have for yourself should you approach R. That puts you in the drivers seat as far as controlling yourself and letting go of the outcome. The rest will fall into place as you go.

Pulling for you and your family W.

yop

SheWiz - To quote someone, copy their text into the reply box, then highlight the text and hit the "quote" box to the left near the ones for italics and bold.

Erik – I never told W he wanted to reconcile. I simply read what he has already said and suggested how he should act if he wants to reconcile because he has already told us that it’s what he wants to be able to do. You are perfectly entitled to your view on my advice. That’s the beauty of SI – it allows all POV and none is higher or better than the other.

Stayedforthekids - Can you tell us which of the two groups of betrayed spouses MangledHeart - your host on this site - belongs to? Think he’ll block Deeply Scared – who is the mastermind behind this site and your other host - once she has that “inevitable” slip into infidelity?

Or Wifehad5 – one of the major mods here on SI who keeps this all safe and civil – is his marriage just a time-bomb and he’s just waiting for the inevitable day when he becomes Wifehad6? She contibutes regularly here on SI btw...

Think Deeply Scared is still the same unchanged person since her infidelity? Think the years she has put into this site are just fake?

Doesn’t this sound a bit like taking a dump on the carpet of your hosts?

Walloped – Any idea on why you have doubts about your wife being the one you want to reconcile with? Are you afraid? Do you feel as if offering R would be some form of condoning her affair? Forgiveness? I’m not poking you with a stick; these are things I would be worried about.

darn...still not getting the copy/paste right. Sorry for the interruption.

SheWiz - To quote someone, copy their text into the reply box, then highlight the text and hit the "quote" box to the left near the ones for italics and bold.

Yay - got it. Again, sorry for interruption.

There are basically two camps of betrayed spouses:

Based on my 30 year marriage with the A being 28 years ago, you need at least one more camp to classify BS.

Any idea on why you have doubts about your wife being the one you want to reconcile with? Are you afraid? Do you feel as if offering R would be some form of condoning her affair? Forgiveness? I’m not poking you with a stick; these are things I would be worried about.

Bigger - Forgiveness? I am nowhere close to that. Acceptance? Yes. Not yet forgiveness. Condoning? No. I don't believe offering R is equivalent to condoning. I believe one can offer R and not condone what she's done. Afraid? Hell yes, I'm afraid. There's so much I don't know about her state of mind or really who she is at this point or what she wants other than what she has said. But I don't know if I can believe her yet since I haven't seen too much from her, just what she's said. I also don't know if what she's said is real or true or even if she believes it's true, and not just what she's saying cause she's caught in a trap and is in survival mode. And so I'm scared. I'm scared to death of going through this again. I'm scared of putting my faith in her again. I'm scared she'll abuse my trust again. I'm scared that if she does, I won't recover. I've gone through hell over the past 5+ weeks and I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through that again. So, I need to see who she is and what she wants before I can commit to trying to reconcile with her.

OK W. Good answer.

Your doubts are there for the right reasons.

Just remember:

R or D is a decision. Neither is instant and both are basically a decision to start off on a long process. For quite some time you can relatively easily change your decision. Yes – it’s hardly productive to decide to R then D then R then D… but IF you tell your W that you want to R then you CAN change your mind as you get more info, a clearer picture of what’s ahead or serious doubts. It’s not a commitment made in stone.

Hell yes, I'm afraid.

R is a very very brave decision, IMHO.

Stayedforthekids - Can you tell us which of the two groups of betrayed spouses MangledHeart - your host on this site - belongs to? Think he’ll block Deeply Scared – who is the mastermind behind this site and your other host - once she has that “inevitable” slip into infidelity?

Or Wifehad5 – one of the major mods here on SI who keeps this all safe and civil – is his marriage just a time-bomb and he’s just waiting for the inevitable day when he becomes Wifehad6? She contibutes regularly here on SI btw...

Think Deeply Scared is still the same unchanged person since her infidelity? Think the years she has put into this site are just fake?

Doesn’t this sound a bit like taking a dump on the carpet of your hosts?

Bigger, SI is a great resource. I am in no way disrespecting the folks that run this place. Do you honestly think the waywards that are admins and mods here somehow representative of most waywards? R is fucking hard and the odds aren't good in most cases. How are things going for you and your R if you're still posting here after being a member for 10 years? Houseofplane is posting with a d day 28 years ago?! Is that what R is? Forever dealing with the situation and never moving passed it?

I don't want to cloud Walloped's thread any further. He's handling this a helluva lot better than I did.

W

Faith? My man you have dripped faith in every post you have made.

But the most important types to me are

A. Faith in yourself. You will eventually realize that all you need to be happy in life is faith in yourself. Your kids miss it in fact. It is quite obvious by their reactions to their Mothers infidelity. Good update by the way. I knew you would be on top of it....

B. The leap of faith. Just like when you chose to marry that "one" no one could predict if this marriage would last, prosper or bear fruit. Yours has so far. But deciding to marry that person is a leap of faith.

So is moving towards a R. We have to decide that person who has hurt us the most is still worth taking that leap for.

That is what going home to "her" is truly about. Yes you will function better around your family. They will function better with you in their midst but eventually you have to dip your toe in and see if the water is still warm.

Bigger is right on the money. And you clearly indicated your desired direction.

Can I urge you to do one thing "Mr Fixit"?

When you do talk with your wife. Let her speak first. And really, really listen to what she is saying. I truly think she needs you to hear her....

And when you speak to her don't be surprised if her direction is not all that clear at the moment. She is definitely juggling with a lot of emotions. And I think she is very disappointed in herself. You'll know when you listen.

Keep moving forward. You will be fine.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 8:54 PM, September 10th (Thursday)]

Excellent post Happy Man!!

Walloped

Wow. Quite the conundrum and a plethora of opposing views related to your situation. Let me see if I can muddy the waters further.

I'd like to start off that I don't advocate for R or D. That is a decision you and only you can make. One thing I would recommend is that whatever you decide, it comes on your timeline. As a BS, I assume you married with the implicit understanding that the union would be between you and your wife only. Well...things have changed. Very confusing and painful to deal with when that contract is broken. For some it is an instant deal breaker, others vacillate endlessly whether or not they can accept and forgive it. I understand both action or lack of, perfectly.

As I've followed your thread it is apparent how level-headed you are and from your posts it appears you have a remorseful wife. That leads to both an argument and defense for R or D and the advice you've received reflects that. Bottom line...what do you want and why? What are your feelings about infidelity? What can you forgive and move on from? D is the easier choice. R on the other hand is really hard and there is no finish line. You'll never forget what happened and how you feel. Sure the wounds will scab over and heal but the scars will remain. Maybe the marriage strengthens and you gain a deeper love and understanding with your WW. No guarantees and no clear path.

I came here a complete mess with a clearly unremorseful WW. I spewed my story out and was met with a resounding "run" from the members that responded. I opted to attempt to R. That R was unsuccessful for numerous reasons. I own some of those reasons and some are hers. It took me 1 1/2 years to come to an understanding of what I expect and can accept from our relationship. I clearly communicated it and she is not willing to agree to those expectations. My point is, take the time think about what you really want and require from her in the marriage. Make sure it's reasonable and attainable and convey it succinctly(don't underestimate the inconsistencies of a wayward mind). When your ready then you can make your decision. Good Luck!

I don’t think you have to make any decisions right now or tell your WW that you are making any decisions. Honestly, what’s the point? I can guarantee that you’re going to change your mind 1000x times. It’s your house. You can go home, listen to what she has to say, and you don’t need to provide her with anything right now. So she’s feels like she’s in limbo? Well tough shit. You were in limbo for the a long time too - it’s just that no one bothered to let you in on that fact.

We just had our one year anniversary of DDay (Labor Day - isn’t that just so great??). Looking back, I wanted to provide you with some insight I’ve gained. I know you’re scared right now. But over the next year, you’re going to get stronger and stronger. You’re going to look back, and while you wouldn’t wish this on your worst enemy, you’ll realize that this experience did indeed make you a stronger person. Or maybe you were strong all along but it just proved it to you. I’m sad about the damage this has done to my trust in WS (and in anyone, to be honest) but I’ve come to an understanding that maybe that type of trust isn’t helpful anyway. The only person I can really trust is myself. I know that if WS does this again, it’s over and I’ll be JUST FINE. I can totally survive it and the second time will be easier in that there will no hemming and hawing or R or D. It’s just D. No discussions, no fights, no limbo. I just walk away. Done and done. And I get to walk away knowing that I gave someone a chance who didn’t even deserve it but it was the right thing to do for me.

Sadly, my WS and your WW will carry this burden for the rest of their lives. They were and will always be a cheater. They cannot make it disappear or forget about it. It is now part of who they are and it shows them what they are capable of. I wish I had been able to protect my WS from the damage he did to HIMSELF. The shame, the guilt, the pain of hurting someone he loved so deeply. I wouldn’t trade places with him for all the money in the world. From my vantage point, it looks AWFUL.

My point in all this is that it’s okay to be scared. Why wouldn’t you be? Your WS is unsafe (at this point in time). But, no matter what happens, you will be okay. Trust.

Good evening Walloped

Just checking in!

Basically, to answer your question, the past 2 weeks were a God send. I trigger, still need meds to sleep, cry on occasion, and still get panic attacks (trouble breathing, shakes, etc., for which I took meds for), but I'm better (how pathetic does that sound given what I just wrote?).

NO! It doesn't sound pathetic at all, if it makes you feel any better, I am experiencing the exact same thing! And I assure you I am not pathetic; and I don't think it's a stretch to say, neither are you!!

You needed a respite for clarity and got it, Good for you! It served its intended purpose!

And...dollars to doughnuts, I bet you aren't having as many panic attacks, crying as often and might even be sleeping a little better than you were even 2 weeks ago???

Meaning, I can see that I'll be okay no matter where we end up. I prefer not to end up alone, but if that's what happens, well, I'll be more than sad about it, but it's not the end of the world. I'll be fine. I have my kids, my brother and his family, and I have me. I'll be okay.

You will be more than okay, and yes its fucking scary! But if you know you will be OK, its not as scary

But I don't know if I can believe her yet since I haven't seen too much from her, just what she's said. I also don't know if what she's said is real or true or even if she believes it's true, and not just what she's saying cause she's caught in a trap and is in survival mode

BAM! T is the final frontier! When you strip all of this down to its essence, its about T...and for us B's why the fuck would any of us T again after such a horrid betrayal?? (rhetorical question, keep reading!)

We don't want to T right now ...we can't... we might want to at some future point, but we're not there yet.. wanting to T doesn't mean we should T, it means that we have to find a place where we can feel safe enough to T again. I actually journalled on T issues in SI tonight, my question to myself was ....I hope that my lesson in all of this is NOT that I should NEVER T anyone unconditionally or implicitly again!

And then I came in here, read all the posts, and was humbled by several, a particular one that resonated was from HappyMan

So is moving towards a R. We have to decide that person who has hurt us the most is still worth taking that leap for.

I think that is true for any B, not just for those considering R, with the obvious exception that those who don't have R as an option have to decide if they will ever be able to risk the leap for anyone else!!! There is no way to know whether T can ever really be restored to a level that is acceptable to both you and WW, it is damaged and broken and needs a shit load of super glue if it is...and its a much bigger leap of faith to T after a betrayal!

There is one thing that I do see Walloped and I don't know if anyone else has pointed it out, so just in case I happen to have a novel POV (not! You have demonstrated T in yourself, in the process, in your family and you have deftly managed survival over these past few weeks to be able to figure out that going home is where you need to be, before deciding whether R is even possible? You have also let go and realized the outcome is out of your control! Wait and See is all you can do!

And I know your scared! I am scared for you too! You are facing a scary situation, I'd be more worried if you weren't. You know its not going to be a cake walk, so you aren't in denial or deluded about it! Another positive sign!

Before i sign off, i would just like to throw myself on the sword today for writing a book! Alot has happened personally and when I checked in an read the thread, it started me on a roll! My most humble apologies to Walloped and all of you who have read and shared!

Here's hoping for the best and make sure you are prepared for the worst!

Peace and good wishes to you and your family!

(((Walloped))))

I think that is true for any B, not just for those considering R, with the obvious exception that those who don't have R as an option have to decide if they will ever be able to risk the leap for anyone else!!!

WantThisToStop - well said. I'm in the latter category where it wasn't even an option to R. He was done and left for the OW. Yeah, talk about scary. Ever had your lower jaw chatter uncontrollably? It's hard to get it to stop.

So, I was one shoved into the future with no choice in the matter - after 35 yrs with this guy. I handled it day-by-day, and not very well at first. But, started to accept I couldn't change things.

I'm 2 yrs from 3-Ddays and 1 yr from divorce today. Yup, I'm still on SI because I need this site badly. I find a lot of strength here and very wise words to move on in my life. It is not easy, it is scary but I've done some things I never thought I'd ever be so confident doing. And, that has been meeting new people and keep my socializing up.

If somebody ever mentions to me about Marriage again - I just laugh. I did all I could with the last one - won't happen again. I do miss having him to talk to when there are daily issues. Eating, sleeping, traveling, exploring together. But then, I miss the hell out of him. I loved him. But, he threw me under the bus, never looked back and I was forced to accept it.

Jeez - wonder if he's happy now? Paying me spousal support for the rest of his life, 50% of his IRA, etc.... But, I'd sure rather this didn't have to happen and not have a dime in the world to have had our old life back..

Just reread the early parts of the first thread and wondered how frazzled by the wedding Mrs. W. could possibly have been if she had time to carry on with POS. Is it possible her main problem was that someone other than her (younger, prettier, whatever) was the center of attention? (Not simply that she liked the attention she was getting from POS, but that she resented the attention someone else was getting from everybody else.)

If that was in fact her problem, she's certainly fixed it.

[This message edited by Foley05 at 7:33 AM, September 11th (Friday)]

Good morning,

SheWiz, FYI I am also surviving from being thrown under the bus! It sucks exponentially.

I see also you mastered quotes (Good job!) kudo's to you and of course to Walloped for giving you the crash course on how to do that!

Truly grateful for this site and all the people involved!

Wish all who read and post in here a good day!

WTTS

Happy - Thanks for the post. Much appreciated. And yes, my IC said pretty much the same thing - that I'll be better once I have my family around me and of course they'll be better off as well. He also said I should play a more passive role this weekend and let her speak. Let her take charge and see if she will own her role and where she wants to go. Then I can decide if I want to be a partner with her in it. But my priority going forward must be me, my kids, then her, in that order.

R is a very very brave decision, IMHO.

Canoe - Or stupid. I've done quite a number of things as a teenager that I thought was brave, but in reality was just dumb and stupid. Hard to know, which one this would be.

Alaska - I hear you. Wish I felt strong. Feel like a kindergarden kid on their first day of school, unsure of anything. For someone like me, it's tremendously disconcerting. But I hope you're right.

wantthistostop - It's funny, but I haven't gotten to the cynical, I don't trust anyone stage. I think because I really haven't dealt with too many people since DDay and have been in my own sort of fog. I hope I don't get too cyncical and twisted, but how can I not after this? My wife is not the old guy down the block who promises he'll return my drill right away for the 17th time, but I still need to go after him for it a week later. I don't trust he'll return it on time, because he hasn't for 16 times previously. So, no trust. My wife? That's a whole different level of betrayal. How can I believe anything she says? Part of me feels like if she told me the grass is green and the sky is blue, I'd call bullshit and go outside to check.

And that's why Happy's post is so relevant. Yes, it is a leap of faith. It's just scary as all hell and I'm not even close to making that leap.