SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You can do whatever you want but just know that at this point words mean nothing.

There is literally zero hope for recovery if you file and she does something OTHER than ‘I will go immediate No Contact and I am all in on the marriage’

No tearful goodbyes

No closure

You get full electronic access to her devices and passwords

You both write a no contact letter to him

If he has any of her stuff a family member or friend on YOURS picks it up (or he drops it off at your office)

Any friends of the affair are permenantly out of her life

However just to prepare you. She is living and presumably loving with her boyfriend right now. She has chosen him and has chosen him to give her heart to over you. You need to understand this not because I want to hurt you but so that you can get a brief picture into the reality that exists versus the reality that you want to exist.

[This message edited by Sharkman at 9:06 AM, October 12th (Thursday)]

Thank you Sharkman, I understand.

Either way it goes...I know there is more pain to come. Just know I do have the paperwork drawn up. I WILL move on and divorce without R if the conversation does not go that way.

And trust me I believe she was probably with him last night. I don't need to keep being reminded... We will see what happens. I'm more focused than I ever was and I'm ready to give it up if that's how it goes.

My anxiety is peaked... I probably won't check back until 7pm EST.

Sharkman has given you all the last minute advice I could think of.

It is your decision, you are in control.

Good luck!

Do NOT have anxiety. This is not the time to have anxiety. You need to step back, collect yourself and understand that the next 24 hours is game time.

Anxiety is byproduct of feeling helpless in a situation. You are anything but helpless. Right now you ARE filing for divorce because YOU deserve much better than this shit sandwich on your plate. Today you're putting on your big boy pants and taking care of business like an ass-kicker.

She should be the one being anxious. YOU have decided to not remain in this marriage. YOU need to execute on this as I detailed above. YOU *CAN* execute on this.

You literally have no other option today. You MUST do things this way. It's your only way out of infidelity and it's literally your only way to uncover any potential for remorse on her end.

Feels. I am hoping you get answers today. Good or bad - having answers will help you.

You are a good person. Please know that.

And NOTHING you did or didn't do justifies what your W has done. Cheaters LOVE to blame the spouse for their A. Do not fall for it.

And my H (after 25 years of a good M) cheated and agonized over a D. I did everything possible to stop it. Talking and loving him and understanding did not work.

But at DDay2 when I called the OW and found out the A was still going on - told him to get out and please don't worry about whether you want to stay married or not. Because I was divorcing him.

A ended that second. No contact or emails or Skype or anything. He put 100% Effort into reconciliation and making amends for the damage he had done.

And I have restored the balance of power in this marriage. My self-esteem has been completely restored.

I learned a lot about myself during the year of his affair and I recognize I am not a coward, I am strong, I am smart and perfectly capable of making my way in the world as a single parent if I had to.

Hope this gives You insight. And I hope you start to realize you are not dealing with the wife you married and knew - she has become someone else during this A.

Feels,

There was a BS that posted here a few years ago by the name of spaceghost. He earned the respect of many here because of the way he handled his wife's infidelity. It really was shock and awe.

He literally had the divorce papers server at her work! Yes it was humiliating and embarrassing for her because it was a workplace affair, but it completely blew up the affair and popped the affair/limerence bubble pretty much instantly.

At the very least, I would have the papers served at OM's place when she is there. That will speak louder and clearer than anything you could actually say to her.

If she signs the papers with no regrets, then at least you know the marriage was already over. You've made it clear to her how you feel.

[This message edited by Limboaz at 10:05 AM, October 12th (Thursday)]

My fear is that she'll say she wants to reconcile if OP will come back to the new city where they just moved so she can continue to work with her boyfriend. We all know that won't work, but it will give her a chance to say she tried to make it work. His only chance is for her to get away from the boyfriend, preferably by moving back to the city they just left where her husband now resides again.

Cuckno has the best idea...it surly would eliminate any cake eating on her part.

In addition, WW would definitely face a huge consequence. Which is a good sign.

Grant there still the police work needed to verify complete NC.

I think its to early and the fog hasn't lifted, I hope I'm wrong and the large amount of time the WW and OM have spent togerther.....then maybe fantasy is wearing off.

Serving the divorce papers at work is a damn shrewd move.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 7:06 PM, October 12th (Thursday)]

Here is the update.

We spoke on the phone tonight at 6:30. We talked for 40 minutes. I’m not going to lie to you guys, the first thing that she did was she admitted she slept with him last night. Open till that point there had been no physical contact like that. She has been pretty honest with me in those regards.

Now, I know what everyone is thinking. That should be the end of it. The strange thing is I don’t feel threatened by this other man. Aesthetically I’m much better looking, people consider me attractive. That’s not just a toot my own horn but I just been told on multiple occasions that’s just how it is. He is nothing to me.

So honestly I can get past that. For a while the conversation wasn’t going very well. She said she loves me but she loves us both. I told her about the divorce and that this will be the last conversation we would have, so don’t hold anything back. I made sure that she knew, and honestly I meant every single word I said, that after this phone call I was gone and anything else would be through lawyers. Don’t call me, don’t text, when we split the house I would be leaving Florida to start a new life like I never exsisted.

But then we talked more. And I can’t even remember every single word that was said but I told her to just give us one month, one month where we attend marriage counseling for three times just to see if anything is still there. I said if she really loves me she would consider it, and if her and the other man we’re really in love then he would give her that one month and still be there at the end

She cried and She cried. She didn’t understand how I could ever forgive her how I would even be able to look at her or kiss her again. I told her she must not understand what real love is. You don’t just give up and walk away. There was no world where I would let her go without even trying, just take the one month and see how it goes and at the end at least we know we tried.

She’s agreed to no contact with the other man immediately, and no contact at all during the one month period. She thanked me and kept crying. Said she didn’t deserve me. She questioned how someone could even do something like this.

So, I guess we will see how things go. I’m going back to the city tomorrow. I’m happy and sad, but as I said there’s no world in which I would just give up on her that easily. We all make mistakes. I made a stupid joke that if we were Greek Nobel’s this would be ordinary, the only difference is she would still be my damn wife at the end.

She laughed through tears and said I was funny. Maybe one day I will suggest a threesome and fk that guy in the ass to assert my dominance. Prison rules.

Something is wrong with me. I’m probably inviting more pain but she’s my wife, man. Tomorrrow and the weekend will probably be pretty rough. Any advice on how to proceed from here with the decisions I’ve made?

She's already informoing the om, who is making a heated case on why she should renege on the commitment.

Also,you should have stipulated that she search for a new job asap.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 8:22 PM, October 12th (Thursday)]

I don’t deny the possibility she’s in his bed right now. She is. But as I’ve said and it goes against all logic... if she can honor the one month agreement where we try to make things work and she goes no contact with him during that time ... we will find if things work out or not. Some men could never forgive such a betrayal. And I’m a fool for even considering it. Regardless, I’ve made my choice.

An affair is not a mistake. It was a conscious decision on her part. Her words are not to be trusted. Only her actions.

I hope you don't find this out the hard way but it is your life and your decision.

All cheaters lie, hide and deny. You won't be the first or last to be deceived and Go through this.

Put your efforts on coming out better and stronger on the other side.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:50 PM, October 12th (Thursday)]

Feels,

I'm sorry. I hope this turns out the way you want.

However, I made the same one month deal with my wife in July. Guess who the first person she talked to, went to see and is now living with; about 30 seconds after making the deal.

I'm sorry.

Thank you Marz. I know the odds are against me, but my love is too strong to simply let go. I’m damn sure if she stabbed me and I was bleeding out my last words would be to tell her it’s going to be ok. I will keep updated on R. And if after this month or during it things go south... I pray I have the strength to let go and hope I’m lucky enough to ever feel,trust, and give my heart to someone again.

Anyway... that’s all from me until the weekend. I have to mentally prepare.

This plays out all to often.

It's a very typical cheating wife affair.

Just not typical for you as its new and raw to you at this time.

Said she didn’t deserve me.

She's right about this.

IHF, I get the feeling you are probably still in shock to some degree, and have not had a chance to fully process what your WW has done, and is still doing.

Be that as it may, do not rugsweep her A, because it will come back to haunt you later. If counseling can help recover your M, that would be a huge miracle, and I would be happy to be proven wrong here. But personally, I'd cut my losses and move on with my life.

I wish you the best, and hope that you are the exception here.

[This message edited by LM2017 at 8:51 PM, October 12th (Thursday)]

Feels,

You've literally done the opposite of almost every piece of advice you've been given here. Explain to me how she plans on maintaining NC when she works with this guy? She sees him more than she does you during the day to day of her life. Plus shes slept with / sleeping with this guy. Women don't just turn their feelings off like men. She will NOT maintain NC. She will simply placate you for a month. I guarantee yesterday's Revelation was not the first time she's slept with him either. This has been going on for a while.

This is the "pick me" dance on steroids. She's not going to come around. MC doesn't work while one of the parties is actively engaged in an affair. You will try to "nice" her back for a month, while you maintain your plan B status to her. She will not stop without consequences.

I am sorry for being so harsh, but this is not the first time a BS has tried to nice their CS back. I've literally seen it work once...out of thousands of times. In that one case, the BS is a absolute wreck now. He has ZERO confidence and will spend the rest of his life worrying about being decieved again.

Spend this month gathering evidence. Keep it under wraps. Stash away every penny you can get your hands on. I would bet my house that this is not going to turn out the way you want it to. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I would go ahead and file now. Have her served at work and tell her that after the 30 days you can cancel the D if she proves to you she's invested in the marriage.

I'm not saying that you can't come back from this, but the question is why? Why do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? There are billions of women in this world, the majority of whom would NOT cheat on you. Why are you wasting your time with this one?

I wish you the very best and I hope for your sake you get the outcome you are hoping for.

Coach is correct. MC is worthless in an ongoing affair.

The "pick me dance" and trying to nice her back will only get you a lower status while her other man will look even more attractive.

It's the weak vs strong senario.

However, at this time you will not listen to reason much like your wayward wife will not.

Let’s see, she didn’t sleep with him before she made a commitment to talk to you on the phone about you marriage’s future. Soooo, she bangs his brains out the night before so she could be sure and admit to you she was sleeping with him now. Your wife sets a new record for low down cruelty. This literally has made my stomach turn.

I think you need to google the stages of grief. You are in denial.

[This message edited by Chappie at 5:38 AM, October 13th (Friday)]