RIA - I wonder if we are not communicating clearly, as my impression is that you may not quite understand what many suspect is going on with your BS.
TWO (short) weeks ago you posted that he "needed a break" and a week ago he was booking a polygraph, and ([italics]in the same post[/italics]) that he wants to break up after the holidays, then 4 days ago you posted that he said "if he left January 1st, he has no doubt that I'd have someone new for February 1st" and that " he is really struggling" AND "he's sure that I'm still continuing doing wrong, or will in the future". Yet today you post that your BH "will tell me that I am doing everything right" and "that he has no complaints at this time."
The term "rollercoaster" did not come out of thin air. Some of those comments (eg that you'd find a new person w/in a month of him leaving or that he's sure you are continuing to do wrong) do not - even remotely- strike me as "just" his morals or concerns about it being a dealbreaker speaking.
The thing is that this is trauma for a BS. I know you've heard it and are doing your damndest to let that sink in. Trauma makes our lizard brains go haywire. It's the part of our brains that tells us to not get too close to a hot flame, bc it will burn us. After dday, lizard brain kicks into high gear, bc it knows we have been seriously hurt. It's only job is SURVIVAL, so when we are hurt, it's JOB is to make sure that we do not hurt ourselves again.
So, one minute our executive brains are running the show, and things may feel or seem OK or even fantastic (hence the BS says the WS is doing everything right, says they love their WS, who has the capacity/space for compassion and R, etc). The problem is our lizard brain can come out of somewhere (ie via a "trigger" that prompts our nervous system's subconscious - or conscious - memory of harm) or out of nowhere (I get what i call emotional hangovers after a good day or two or five). IMHO, our lizard brain is screaming at us that we are not safe (you may not be old enough to remember "Lost in Space", but the robot used to say "Danger Will Robbins" - that's a simple way to describe what it feels like, but without actual words like "danger" ) So, not only are executive and lizard brains kind of duking it out, but the fact that lizard brain has so much power scares the sh*t out of us. Most of us were able to have some level of control over ourselves and our emotions, and then all of the sudden we just don't. It reminds me of folks struggling with dementia and how they can cycle through joy, anger, depression, fear, and a host of other emotions, as their brains' ability to comprehend what is lost ebbs and flows.
I know you've probably read/heard this all before. Yet I think it's gotta be super hard for a WS to let it click just how completely haywire our brains get. I'm a very well educated, strong, professional, pulled myself up from my bootstraps "badass" (like, scary for some folks kind of "badass" ). I have ALWAYS been able to keep my sh*t together, until dday, when, for months, it was not at all unusual for me to have to excuse myself from high level biz meetings to go to my office (thank God I had one) to cry (snot, shaking, the works) in a fetal position on the floor. While some tolerate it better than others (thank goodness), there is a definite sense for most of us that we simply do not have a clue what is up or down.
I don't say this to shame or guilt you. This is why understanding what a safe partner looks like and feels like is important. This is why as you demonstrate - through consistent action OVER TIME - that you can become safe, his lizard brain can start to take a break. It's pretty unlikely that will happen lickety split.
This is why folks say it's a marathon, not a sprint. Two to five years is REALISTIC. You are what, 4 months out from dday #2?
ETA [or delete] the emojis that pop up with my parenthesis.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 8:40 PM, December 27th, 2019 (Friday)]