SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's pure bullshit.

Where I live mothers can get support from the biological AND stepfather. So this c*** bitch is not only getting CS from my H but her also her exH (who was duped to believe he fathered OC). Her exH also has to pay support for the one child they had together and the 4 that he was stepfather to for however long they were married. I know this because she sent me her court papers bragging she would be "balling" with all the CS she gets. She can brag all she wants. Personally, I prefer 1. not relying on the government for money (she's on welfare and won't get off because she doesn't want someone else raising her kids just so she can work)2. having a father in my children's life and 3. knowing from day 1 who fathered my children.

Ain't that looney some bullshit

I don't get being this crazy/looney/vindictive.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:16 PM, May 22nd (Thursday)]

Ugh....sickening

I wish the courts would look at proof of OW boasting about money meant for the kids, and put it in a college fund specifically for them or something! OW in our case also has multiple sources of $$ rolling in~ her income, support from 1stH, support from my H, splits bills with her boyfriend, used to get SSI for OC, sometimes got support from her 2ndH, lived with her stepdad and had him help with bills AND gets help from her mother. Needy single mother my ass.

I'd be curious to see OW's court records (honestly, we don't even know if she actually divorced her 2ndH yet), but we know a lot from mutual friends and knowing her for so long.

Take it from me....not being able to understand the craziness is a good thing!

I swear, the OWs go after the wallet when that's all the have left. It's the only tiny bit of control they have. As FWH was walking away from OW (the day she showed up at our work to announce her pregnancy), that's one of the things she was screaming, how she was going to take him for every dime she could get.

And she has tried. She went so far as to try to FWH to pay $500 to her loser, unemployed BOYFRIEND/baby daddy (now husband) for OC's childcare. The judge ordered OW to produce receipts for the money SHE had paid her boyfriend. She dropped her pursuit of that money quickly.

Last summer OW and her H were fighting having to pay $10 each for their own criminal background checks for the adoption. They claimed a "burden of poverty", while that month alone they went to a big football game ($100 a ticket), a weekend-long country music festival ($200 a ticket, per person, plus camping passes), etc. I couldn't believe the lack of dignity. Even if I had to beg on the street for pennies, I wouldn't ask lowlife OW to pay for anything for me, or anyone for that matter. OW is such trash.

I'm glad my posts and support help you guys. Helping others is the one positive that's come from this.

I'm new here .. New to the betrayal n possible oc thing. DNA tests pending... He said it's probably his. He wants no contact with oc or ow . My feelings ? Utter devistation. But I gotta hold myself up for kids. He's remorseful and so worried for me . How I wish he'd of thought of our vows n daughter. His only concern is money n me n daughter. As bad as that sounds I totally am ok with no contact. I think my h knows we cannot hold family together with contact but I never will stop him from her . She's 4 mo old . Never thought I'd be here.

((Prairie princess)) None if us thought we'd be here. My h has no contact with OC. I DONT feel bad. I'm sorry. I don't. Even though we waiver between R and D I don't think I could handle R if we had to deal with OW and OC. I've been called selfish. Oh well. Selfish actions are the reason we are here.

I hate MD CS formulas

finally ... ordered to do DNA. Pendente lite $1600/mo = OW makes good money as an event planner for the DC bar (works for attorneys...yah she's a lovely spider and my stupid trauma-bond mess of a WH was a dumb dumb fly) so with our salary and hers combined I guess she can afford that lovely SFH she bought last year - what a sweetie, sure she's sucha victim "single parent" and stupid magistrate didn't even care to factor in our 3 kids

I HATE MARYLAND ... we are so moving is all i am saying

getting my business up and running again. Got the LLC and so not gonna do anything but work on me and safety of the kids

fine she can post FB pics all she wants - she can have the past and her dreams of a twisted "happy ever after" that obviously were never gonna be materializing (wow = shocker = she doesn't have a magical vagina and trapping a man with a kid ain't all that either)

I am not sure honestly I am so roller coaster-y about R vs D ... doing retrouvaille so thank goodness for that this month and every month thereafter.

still need an IC for EMDR for me and and EFT MC but got a pastoral counselor starting next week

can't believe it's been six months almost

what a year this has been

Just want to know what gives people the right to say that mu need for nc is unrealistic or selfish. So pissed right now. Angry that all of us r here bc of two really selfish a holes and people have the nerve to judge us

((Storm77)) those who aren't in an OC situation are the first to say stupid shit like that. My need for NC was realistic for me. I told h I would never stop him from a relationship but for the time being I wouldn't play step mommy. (Not that ow wanted me too. She wanted h to visit OC without me, she was very territorial). If people are calling you selfish FUCK THEM.

PrariePrincess:

As bad as that sounds I totally am ok with no contact.

It doesn't sound bad to us. We're a pretty even split on this board with having C/NC, but everyone understands.

Merida, I hate those CS calculations for you.

Storm77:

Angry that all of us r here bc of two really selfish a holes and people have the nerve to judge us

That has been the single most difficult aspect of this, how WE, the BS, are judged.

For me, when OW showed up and told FWH she was pregnant, the first words out of his mouth were "I want nothing to do with it." Somehow I am still to blame for his choice of NC.

I recall being in the ladies room with a female co-worker/"friend" (more like frenemy) after that day, and her asking "So, I heard OW is pregnant by FWH."

I told her yes, it appeared so, but a dna test was needed. She asked if FWH was going to help her raise OC, and I said he was saying no. She automatically told me I needed to make him raise OC (a sentiment echoed again and again to me from my stepDs and FWH's XW, all of whom told me I was not a "real woman" or a "mother" if I could "allow" FWH to walk away from OC).

People do NOT understand, and often I think that they won't unless they are in this situation, much like many situations in life, and it is not our problem. If they don't like it, they know where the door is, they can exit through that door on their way to go fuck themselves (sorry for the language).

My month has been full of stress, waiting to hear back from our lawyer since she lost the election and will hopefully be working on our case. We also had a pregnancy scare, which was almost a week long (I ended up testing negative on a pregnancy test and getting my period the next day, a week late).

In that week I had mentally rearranged our lives. I would finish my program at school and give up my internship abroad. Instead of going into a global grad program right away, I would work for a few years after graduation, then go into a local grad program. I would make it work.

It was all for naught, no pregnancy. Being that we only have one COM, due to our circumstances (age, finances, my educational and career goals) I couldn't help but think of how quickly and easily OW got pregnant, without regards to the consequences. It made me feel quite bitter and resentful, and made me question my decision to have an only child.

My mind also wondered that week to how different the pain of an OC situation is 7 years out (anniversary of Dday is in just a few days).

When OW was pregnant, and OC was a baby, the pain was so sharp it cut my guts like a dagger. I wanted OC to be MY baby so badly. She was beautiful, one of the prettiest babies I have ever seen. Everyone was making SUCH a big deal about her (inlaws, stepDs, etc.), it seemed like everyday was a competition between them on who could see and hold OC.

7 years out, OC just looks like any other 6 year old kid. She looks like she has quite an attitude (like lots of kids that age), and no one could really care less about her paternity or seeing her. There is still some pain, and still a feeling of "How fucking stupid can you be?" towards FWH (almost 40 years old, and already having multiple children and still having unprotected sex with a 20 year old), but the pain is so dull now.

I just wanted to tell you all that, because 5 years ago I never thought that pain would lose its edge, but it does.

((((hugs to us all)))

People do NOT understand, and often I think that they won't unless they are in this situation, much like many situations in life, and it is not our problem. If they don't like it, they know where the door is, they can exit through that door on their way to go fuck themselves (sorry for the language)

.

THIS!

Ugh..I got a lot of "the child is an innocent victim blah..blah..blah". You know who else were innocent victims? MY children. The day OW showed up on my doorstep with children in tow THEIR lives have changed as well. Did anyone worry about them? Nope because selfish people think selfishly. I call it the "what about meeee???" syndrome. And OW's have it in spades.

My month has been full of stress, waiting to hear back from our lawyer since she lost the election and will hopefully be working on our case. We also had a pregnancy scare, which was almost a week long (I ended up testing negative on a pregnancy test and getting my period the next day, a week late).

I've been waiting to do my happy dance for you Want2. I hope your lawyer gets off her ass and gets things done for you and Mr. Want2. As for your pregnancy scare (not sure if you would have been happy or sad) but I hope you're good with the outcome.

So happy i found this place. No one is thinking of me or com. I finally told my best friend and she went mama bear on everyone. Basically said everyone needed to shut it and they were selfish for saying they cared about our family while disregarding my needs.

Storm - your friend is awesome. I got a lot of "how can you be with someone who could go nc with a child". They never saw the hurt or pain in my kids eyes.

finally = YES

NC absolutely is about protecting the children of the marriage. I cannot go blindly along with some "great society" social welfare concept.

In Christ, sure, we are all brothers and sisters. But little miss Buddhist OW seemed to not understand her first principle of "do no harm."

I forgive that they know not what they do...that doesn't mean I throw pearls after swine, or that I have to have "welcome" stamped on my forehead to be considering myself a loving person.

This OW created a horribly twisted dream going to the point of writing to guilt trip my WH that her "happy ever after" wasn't going to happen... boo f**king hoo. That dream was based on destroying the only reality my children have ever known.

The utter selfishness of my WH's behavior is bad enough for me to bear, but that the both of them couldn't even have the decency to practice contraception just tears at my heart. That they trashed the treasure that is our ability to create a life as a mere byproduct oops of their stupidity is beyond sadness.

I have zero faith given what she's already emailed and FB'd my way that somehow she grows up over night and decides to "play fair" and truly understand what's in everyone's best interests.

Highly emotionally dysfunctional (claiming to be empathetic...not), highly manipulative, no remorse ... not anything I want to expose my kids to in regards to seeing how it's already affecting them by now witnessing their mom and dad struggle to get through this death of our marriage.

I have found when dealing with what I term a "psychic vampire" type, it's best I just walk away. That is about as loving as I can be at the moment - NC also means non confrontational to allow for peace to exist.

Think we can all agree everyone benefits from peacefully existing

just my two cents

that the both of them couldn't even have the decency to practice contraception just tears at my heart. That they trashed the treasure that is our ability to create a life as a mere byproduct oops of their stupidity is beyond sadness.

^^^THIS.

OW's catchphrase during her pregnancy and while raising OC (until her new H came along) was:

"Proud mommy of (our last name) baby!!!"

It was plastered all over every social media site she had (we have a famous last name, but by NO relation).

Seriously?! Your child was created during infidelity, has a father that has another family, and has NC with your child, and you are "proud"?

Now that OC is starting school, OW desperately wants her name changed to OW's new last name. I told her FWH would not consent to it unless the adoption was completed (then he has no choice).

I guess she's not so "proud" of OC's last name and heritage anymore.

I've been waiting to do my happy dance for you Want2. I hope your lawyer gets off her ass and gets things done for you and Mr. Want2. As for your pregnancy scare (not sure if you would have been happy or sad) but I hope you're good with the outcome.

Thank you, I am desperately waiting to do my own happy dance as well. Our attorney is the WORST.

As far as an unexpected pregnancy, it would have meant a lot of changes now and my future plans, but let's say I wouldn't have been upset. Now that it's off the table, I think it's time we took it off the table for good, FWH needs a vasectomy. Should he ever cheat again, or should we ever divorce, I want to make sure he has no other children. He understands, and is willing to do it if it makes me feel more safe. It's just hard for me, I'm the only one with an only child, he has his 3 adult daughters from his previous M, and OC.

Should he ever cheat again

My H had a vasectomy for that very reason. I told him it was because I didn't want any more kids (I don't) but I was more afraid of some other woman with ANOTHER OC. And I think that's the saddest part. I shouldn't have to worry about it, but, because of his poor choices and poor boundaries I do. And I hate it. I often ask if he would forgive me. He says yes. I call bullshit.

I have a question Want2 (my MIL asked me this) if your H's OW wasn't such a raving lunatic bitch (like my H's OW) would NC have been necessary? Could you have accepted OC? My answer to MIL was i don't think so. My H cheated and having OC in my life would be a constant reminder. We have 3 kids this little boy falls between my middle and my youngest. I don't know if I could do it.

^^^^ Raising hand. I had WH get a vasectomy also. We had just had our last baby I didn't want anymore but in the back of my mind was the whole OC factor. It's a very sad reality.

Stronger it is amazing what we are capable of. We have contact and OW is batshit crazy. You just deal with it.

We have contact and OW is batshit crazy

^^^This is what I wanted to avoid^^^

She made our lives miserable. But now she's gone and it's quiet. NC has worked. She has stopped trying to find my family. She has stopped trying to contact his family. She has stopped trying to shame or guilt H into parenting (maybe she has new MM or distraction). I'm still upset with H but my mind wanders to this child and the dysfunctional mother he has.

I think over time anyone can accept a child (even one that we didn't know existed for over 7 years) but the OW in our case was just a loon. I didn't want to expose my children to her. And sometimes I feel guilty because this little boy is growing up without a father. I know I didn't create the circumstance but the mom in me feels bad sometimes. I could just punch H for his role in this mess. Rule #1 of marriage: Keep your dick in your pants.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 1:14 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)]

I have a question Want2 (my MIL asked me this) if your H's OW wasn't such a raving lunatic bitch (like my H's OW) would NC have been necessary? Could you have accepted OC?

I think so. I have raised stepchildren, and even though that is very different from parenting (I feel like you get twice the trouble and a fraction of the affection), I loved my stepDs very much. I have watched OC grow up from afar (via social networking), and have seen babies pictures and videos at every stage of development. I do feel affection for OC, even though I have never met her.

However, I don't know how well I would have dealt with seeing any rivalry or fighting between OC and my own DD. I cannot imagine dealing well with that AT ALL. My stepDs were always jealous of one another, always fighting for their father's attention and mine. I cannot imagine being able to tolerate that from OC (directed towards my precious DD).

However, the years of dealing with bitter, hateful XW (who cheated on FWH with his friend, then left him for said friend) who blames everything on the planet on FWH and me, I can't imagine going through 18 more years of that with some whore my FWH knocked up. I only tolerated it from XW because off the children, and because the relationship between FWH and XW preceded me, but it was hell on earth. We had stepDs 4 days a month, and XW tried to have total control over the other 26 days a month. Without going into too much boring detail, she literally tried to control every aspect of our lives, while being the most half-assed mother on the planet. This is why it took me 7 years of being engaged to FWH to finally consent to marrying him, I just couldn't imagine committing to that kind of life.

I know that NC isn't for everyone, but I feel it is often the best case scenario, particularly if the OW has someone willing to step in. In our case, OW's H gets to parent OC with no interference from FWH. No visitation schedules, no court dates, nothing. It is definitely best from our DD, who does not have to share time with either parents. It's best for me, for obvious reasons. It's probably even the best scenario for OW, which I am sure she realizes (she never pursued FWH for visitation when he told her he wasn't leaving me, she wanted him to be with her, and raise OC WITH her, or nothing).

There is a chance that NC is even best for OC (at this time in her life). She is not being dragged between two households, she doesn't have that feeling that children of divorced families often have (I used to describe it as "I am always missing somebody"), she does not realize that she is the only "half sibling" amongst both households (which I would imagine would be hard for a child). OC thinks OW's H is her father, and does not currently know she is missing anyone from her life.

Now, when she gets to be however old, and starts asking why she has "sisters" (my stepDs) that she sees constantly, and these "sisters" have different parents... her whole world may shatter, depending on how OW and her H handle that. But that is not my problem nor my concern, OW should have thought about those consequences BEFORE involving my stepDs in this sordid mess.

I have stepchildren as well. I accepted them and love them (we're very close) but I always assumed that it was because they existed prior to me even knowing my H. So, they were a package deal (accept the H is to accept the children).

her whole world may shatter, depending on how OW and her H handle that. But that is not my problem nor my concern, OW should have thought about those consequences BEFORE involving my stepDs in this sordid mess.

You're right. It's none of our concern that these OW's only thought of getting back at H and not how it will effect OC. I wonder, when OC is a teen, how will it feel having a mom who lied to one man about his father, introduced him to another man and said this was his father only for H to initiate NC and then see that none of his sibs have the same dad. This must effect kids psychologically. Thankfully, I put my children FIRST and did not allow anymore of this drama to trickle into their lives. OW would yell in front of OC "NO ONE WANTS ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM! NOT YOUR KIDS AND NOT YOUR PARENTS!!!!" how's that for making OC feel loved? I'm glad she's gone (hopefully forever) but she'll forever be imprinted in my memory. She even told the judge at the last hearing "I can't stop OC from taking his father to court in the future". At that point the judge was tired of dealing with her and left the courtroom.

Yeah, my FWH had almost no visitation with his children when I met him, he only got to see them on their birthdays, at the mall for 30 minutes, IF he had money to give them. Those were the only conditions his spiteful XW would allow.

When we moved in together, she thought it would "scare me away" to have the girls every other weekend. That turned into EVERY weekend. When I didn't disappear, she decided to start withholding visitation. My father gave us the money to take her to court and rip her a new one, and form that point on I became public enemy number 1 to her.

So, although the stepDs predated me, FWH and I were already engaged before they became an actual presence in my life.

OW would yell in front of OC "NO ONE WANTS ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM! NOT YOUR KIDS AND NOT YOUR PARENTS!!!!"

This is HORRIBLE. XW has pulled similar stunts, and I wouldn't think OW would be above such a thing either.

She even told the judge at the last hearing "I can't stop OC from taking his father to court in the future".

Ugh, what a disgusting human being. I am sure that type of thinking will be ingrained upon OC.

It was on my stepDs. In my state, a child attending college can collect child support (until the age of 21), but they must sue their parents for it themselves. All of my stepDs have done this, and each one flunked out of college (community college) their FIRST TERM.

Youngest stepD even contacted us 3 years ago, saying she wanted to come up ad visit us and meet DD (for the first time). We bought her a ticket here, made arrangements, made awesome plans, and she got here and immediately served child support papers on FWH. Talk about making for an awkward visit. She neded up getting CS all that summer, fall, and into the next year, but FWH never got confirmation that she was enrolled in college. He called CS, who called the school, just to find out she had quit attending her classes and flunked out after the first month. So glad she went through all of that trouble to sue FWH for support, and got it for an extra 6 months.

The adoption is supposed to be final some time this summer. This summer youngest stepDs also turns 21 (meaning she can never again sue FWH for CS).

OW graduates from her diploma mill college with her certificate this fall, and is talking about moving across the country once she's done (her parents are planning to move to North Dakota and strike it rich in the oil fields, and OW and her family live with OW's parents, and plan to go with them).

If all this goes down, 2014 will be one happy year for us.