Married my college sweetheart. We had what I thought was a "normal" loving relationship. We fought, sometimes loudly, but I never thought it was anything outside the norm.
Somewhere along the way we both let things drift and our marriage got worse. I think we both knew it, but we never talked about it. She wasn't happy and I was withdrawing but I never said to her "we need help" and she never said it to me. We both failed there. We still had good times, but there was too much of an element of people living separate lives together.
One day I came home and she was gone. Empty closet and a note on the bed. Devastating.
She said she had to take care of her. We met at a mall that night so she would feel "safe" and talked. She was unyielding.
A month later she filed. Two months after that we were divorced. During all of this I asked one time if there was someone else and she said no.
She made plans to move home to Florida from Dallas and pursue becoming a nurse. We did "collaborative divorce". I was kind and giving.
Off she went. From the day she left me . . . which is the first time I knew we had a real problem . . . to the divorce was three months. About six weeks later she had left the state.
In the six months before she left me she had lost a job, moved her dad into a nursing home over disagreement from her sister, become an empty nester with our youngest leaving for college and seen that youngest flounder as he got into trouble with partying etc , , ,
In January of 2010 she was still unemployed but had a good job lined up to start in February. She had planned trip to Florida to help get her Dad's house ready for sale. She was there for a month. During that time she met up with a former HS boyfriend that she had been reconnected with on Facebook that fall. Heck, she had told me about that and I thought nothing of it.
They started to "connect" and you can imagine how he made her feel. He said the right things to someone that wanted to hear them. He was in a "bad marriage" too.
So . . . she drives home after the month away thinking about the old HS BF and us. I headed out of town for a business trip and she packed up all her stuff, left me a note on the bed and moved in with a friend.
I changed about a million things in my life to try to win her back. I stopped a message board I was obsessed with, started church, stopped dipping tobacco, got on a low dose of Prozac, saw an IC, poured all the booze down the drain . . .
No amount of change mattered. We hardly talked. There were a few brief periods where she softened, but I only saw her five or six times from when she left in late January to when she moved in late May.
I was discarded.
After the divorce, I started dating. She found out I was dating about six weeks after moving. She got jealous and we started talking. I broke it off with the girl I was dating and flew to Florida to see her.
We determined that weekend that we would get remarried and work through it. We got remarried in Vegas a month later.
End of January she left, start of March she filed, start of May we were divorced, July we reconnected and August we remarried. Hence the name WarpSpeed.
We're in marriage counseling and we'll succeed.
This thing is just weird for me because I didn't even know that she had left me for someone else until after the divorce when she told me in the first few conversations after finding I had started dating.
During the "discovery day" part I was so focused on "wow we can put this back together" that I barely processed that whole "other man" thing. I ignored it because I wanted her back.
Starting to deal with it now. We've got help. It is working. But there is a lot on this site that rings a bell.
Update June 2011: In just the last month she's really started to get what I've gone through and is trying to help. That has allowed me to be more open with the things I'm working through. Posted on someone else's thread recently that there are parallel planes that we operate on. One one plane is a tremendously revitalized marriage. We're very happy. On another plane is pain and resentment and anger that we need to work on.
For us . . . we work on both. We work on the day to day happiness and that gives us the energy to commit to working on the dirty, messy painful stuff.
Update April 2012
Our marriage has never been better. Real healing, for both of us, took place last summer and fall as she truly expressed her deep felt remorse. I could see her pain at the pain she had caused.
We talk, we trust, we love . . .
It is awesome.
It can be done. Best luck to all of you.