I guess I just view it this way and yes, this is part of why R never came close to working for me though I stayed for a few months.
I fell in love with and married a man based on a number of reasons. Love is the first ingredient, but marriage is about more than love.
1. He and I had so much in common and had similar enough views that we could live a peaceful life together and give one another happiness. In retrospect, google "mirroring".
2. We laughed a lot together. That was important. This one stands.
3. He was affectionate and loving and that was important to me. Just not only with me.
4. He was loyal and only had eyes for me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
5. He and my daughter had a great relationship. I also am one of the lucky wives who found stepfather/stepdaughter incest porn on his tablet.
6. He was responsible and employed with the same company for years and had great credit. Until he decided that he didn't have to work anymore because he was "depressed". I apparently met him during some good years of recovery from drugs and he was still full of the 12 steps.
7. I adored his daughter. This one also still stands.
I was defrauded, as were we all. I didn't agree to marry the man I married. If this were a business contract, I'd have been within my rights to sue. So what, exactly, was there to save? Love? Ha. No. Love died with the introduction of reality. Love was also no excuse whatsoever to stay in that marriage.
So do I feel compassion for my XWH? That's a hard one. Our relationship was so intense and so beautiful, from what I knew. I know so much about him, his fears, his joys, his childhood stories, his family, his smell, his silliness and his philosophical thoughts. He is a human being who deserves the chance to become a better one. I am not suited to be the one to help him because he chose to abuse me with infidelity and drugs. I'm glad there are those who are out there to help him not hurt more people. I chose myself and my children over helping him and I will never regret that. I always saw him as an individual worthy of respect. He apparently never saw me this way.
When he brought this sickness into my life, I knew I'd never be free of it while I was with him. There would be recovery, there would be relapse. He would never be the kind of person who couldn't do that. I'd never not know that he was the kind of person who could do that. And I'd always remember the pain. I'd be afraid of where it could escalate if it came back, because it seems with drugs at least that relapse takes you further down than when you were last using. Why not the same for SA? I would forever be the only adult in the marriage because I would always be the only one who could be depended on not to lose my shit and let everything fall. If I'm going to be that, why not just be on my own in the first place and actually BE the only adult in the house? Maybe find someone one day who isn't "sick" like that. Maybe not. Either way, I will no longer be with that sickness.
The kind of person I would consent to share my life with is not the kind who could sleep with prostitutes, married to me or not. But especially not married to me. My XWH disqualified himself for the job of being my spouse.
That's my truth. It isn't everyone's. I am not judging anyone whose truth isn't the same as mine. I do understand the pain, though, and I am full of empathy for all of you. I also understand that some of you are more capable of compassion for your spouses than I am. Some of you have the strength to stay and work with them while they find empathy. Not everyone finds being on their own to be a palatable choice.