SI helped me by giving support. Allowing me to read other people’s journey’s. Being wounded in such a way, I had no idea what I needed to personally to recover, let alone how to reconcile. It gave me the strength to say no to MC, close to 3 years till his IC said he was ready for MC.
It helped me understand regret vs. remorse. Actions not words. Actions not words helped me to calm down and watch him, allowing me to build trust.
When I joined a very prevalent poster had a spouse with a processing disorder. Reading their journey helped me decide what path to take.
I learned how to deal with triggers. FaceTime in the hotel on his travels. He traveled for business 3 or 4 times a year. I also “got” any marriage problems were separate from his infidelity.
Two posts I keep in mind are: in 2016 I had to travel without him, my Dad almost died. A few of his happy endings happened while I was in across country. I triggered hard. I came to SI and posted and got support. I called him asked him to put tracking on and a few other things. I was assured I was taking the right steps and it was stress due to my stress. Actions met words and was what I needed.
The second post really helped me put things in perspective and not taint my happy memories. Specifically again I stayed after a family wedding, FWH encouraged it. I got to do and see people I had not seen in years. My then WH was acting out. The post I read was on reconciliation and the woman talked about her vacation was happy, his was sneaking around anxious to talk to OW. She was happy, he was not. She refused to let his infidelity take that memory from her. After reading that, anytime I thought of that vacation I worked to change my mindset from if only I had come home with him to my trip was wonderful. It was a redirection, kind of like a affirmation I was happy on the trip, what he did had nothing to do with me.
I also met some wonderful people on here. Honestly, since his infidelity we lost the majority of our “friends”. Losing them was in one part “not friends of the marriage”. Three families were due to their judgment of our decision to reconcile. We spend holidays with 1 of the families.
I also think it helped put my perspective in place. I didn’t need my family’s or friends approval on reconciliation to reconciliation and be happy. What I needed was him to straighten out his mind and do the work.
I am not sure if that was to much or really making sense. Without this place other then IC, I could not talk to people about the issues. They were done.
Honestly, besides the pandemic my support system is on the other coast. My closest friend is moving several states away. I try to post to play it forward. I had to back off, I was got to strident. I now post when I feel, maybe I can help. I continue to come here and have made some online friends.
