Newest Member: Chickenhawk

New Beginnings :
Update from Southern Colorado

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 countrydirt (original poster member #55758) posted at 4:10 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

I've not been active on the board for a while. My last posts were right before the end of a "rebound" relationship where I was having a fantastic time. Unfortunately, through a series of pretty unfortunate events and a recognition of an extreme difference in the trajectory of our lives, that one ended late in the spring.

I started dating a slightly older (4 years) lady and we had a lot of fun getting acquainted taking hikes and riding bikes and going for drives and having meals together. We connected in an easy and comfortable way as we are both teachers and she is actually retired from one state, but teaching in Colorado to help her pay some big bills from the tragic loss of her son 5 years ago. She lost her youngest son to a drug overdose and as the anniversary season of that tragedy came around, she had to retreat.

I met another younger (9 years) lady and again, fun with hiking and meals but maybe just a little too eager to be in a relationship for this guy. Also, she is in another profession that considers work as a job, not as a career and simply did not understand my passion for what I do and how much I care for my students and their lives and futures.

Despite the distractions of a social life, I have been able to focus on my teaching profession and feel like I am connecting better with my students than I have in likely 15 years or so. I'm putting in long hours, but not in a workaholic way of avoiding a painful home life, but in a way of just loving what I am doing and feel like I am doing the best teaching of my career and enjoying teenagers more and more.

My very own youngest teenager (18) has just started in a full time IT internship with a local manufacturing company and already they are talking about a permanent hire since he was the top computer science student at my school's prestigious academy of computers and engineering (HS diploma is on par with an associate's degree). I'm pretty proud of him and it looks like a permanent hire may place him just slightly below me on an annual salary.

My retirement advisor told me I could retire next December, but when he showed me the pension numbers, I told him I didn't want to retire in poverty and suggested I might like to work for about 7 more years. He ran those numbers and gave me some really good news that I would basically retire at the same level as my current salary. As long as I can have students in my room and can actually teach, I'll keep doing it, but if...virtual classes come back, I'll probably bag it and figure it out later.

Over the past couple of weeks, the older lady mentioned earlier has started reaching back out in conversation as she came out of her grief time. We went out for dinner last night and had a very nice time. Conversation was easy and we enjoyed the evening on our local riverwalk. We were both still in our professional clothes, so it even felt a little fancy. We hugged and smooched a bit and both of us remarked about how well we fit together (she's 5'2" and I'm 5'10") So we're leaving it open to get together again and have had a few texts at the end of the work day.

My previous updates on my "Friends and Fun" thread talked a lot about adventures and trying new things and I think I was pushing myself to recover too quickly. I definitely needed to find out that I could be attractive to the opposite sex after the devastating end to my 32 year marriage and the resultant blow to the ego of that. I don't regret any of the things I did over the past year. But I'm more comfortable being single now and that is a good thing.

3 adult sons
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 308   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8688903
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:08 AM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

Glad you are in a good place and thriving. I hope you get to keep your students in the classroom, and they are lucky to get such a devoted teacher.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4240   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8688908
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 3:17 PM on Friday, September 17th, 2021

This is a great update, Countrydirt.
It sounds like you are in a very healthy mindset, and you seem very self aware. Your life should unfold beautifully, as it should.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4372   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8688988
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Anna123 ( member #70908) posted at 7:47 PM on Sunday, September 19th, 2021

Great to hear! This sounds like a great time in your life now. Enjoy:-).

posts: 632   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8689271
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 countrydirt (original poster member #55758) posted at 2:45 AM on Monday, September 20th, 2021

I have not figured out the new interface, so don't know how to quote messages. Thank you @BearlyBreathing, @WhoTheBleep, @Anna123.

It has been quite a ride over the past year. It was 361 days ago that I actually filed for divorce, even though I declared July 4, 2020 to be my personal Independence Day. The 'decree' was issued on January 12, but the marriage was over long before that.

I have listed the family home and have two weeks to get it "show" ready. X has been over to "help" the past 3 days. Today, she came over and mopped the kitchen floor (greatly appreciated) and then sat at the table when I got back from the grocery store from getting food for my son and I - I'll note that I started working on show ready stuff about 6 am and she arrived around 3 pm to help. DS has been helping me quite a bit and he came down from upstairs when I got back. He and I marveled at the amazing food I bought at our little grocery store and we raved about how good it would taste.

I watched X sit at the table and winsomely look at DS and I as we chattered excitedly as we put away the groceries. My son will barely tolerate her now but is mature enough to realize that if he wants to have a relationship with his mother, he is the one that has to initiate it. Yesterday he said he is kinda sick of making the effort to go to her house and say hi or have breakfast or being the one to start a text conversation. She rarely reaches out.

I think she saw that MY son and I have a relationship that she will never have again. My son does not care that she switched sexual preference. He only cares that his mother became a liar and a cheat and really doesn't want to forgive her for that. I remind him that she is his mother, but he tells me that he doesn't think she is a good person. I don't try to talk him out of that mindset.

I spent an hour on the phone with her sister (my former SIL) and she pretty much feels the same way. She is tired of being the one who always has to carry the load in the relationship. I reminded her that her sister changed in a moral way and the SIL could do nothing about it. She's as baffled as I was.

Its hard to deal with the self absorbed.

3 adult sons
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 308   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8689316
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Fablegirl ( member #56784) posted at 5:14 PM on Monday, September 27th, 2021

Thank you for sharing. What is so startling is how we find ourselves happy to be on our own after long marriages (or rebound relationships that didn't work). That emotional spaced seemed so elusive and yet you found it and have the emotional strength to look at self-absorbed ex with fresh eyes and possibly a sense of relief you are free of her.

posts: 219   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2017   ·   location: Mid Atlantic
id 8690444
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scaredwoman ( member #78680) posted at 6:34 PM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

But I'm more comfortable being single now and that is a good thing

Great news! I hope to be there someday too.

posts: 173   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8690677
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 countrydirt (original poster member #55758) posted at 5:28 AM on Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

Thank you @Fablegirl. It does sort of surprise me that I am happy on my own.

@scaredwoman, I think it just takes time. You'll get there when you are ready.

I just returned home from my older friend's house. We thought we might go out to eat and have a walk together, but visiting and talking to her little dog and then hugging and smooching sort of put that thought out of mind, so we sat on her patio and had a bottle of wine and talked about our days and lives. She likes to talk and I'm a little more of the listener type (although I can prattle on and on sometimes). We shared teacher tales and then just talked. I think I learned more about her childhood and teen years tonight than I had over the several months that we actively dated earlier and it was nice.

After the wine (2 glasses for each of us) I told her I needed to just relax an hour or so before I felt comfortable driving the 10 miles home to my house, so we went inside and well, ya know, ended up "working off" the effects of the wine. It was really nice.

She doesn't want to be anyone's girlfriend and I don't really want to be anyone's boyfriend. We agree that we want to date each other and have a relationship, but still have our own lives. She's not dating anyone else and I'm not dating anyone else and we both said we weren't looking out and about for anyone else, but don't feel the need to just wrap our lives up together. This feels really comfortable.

I guess this might be what relationships are at this age and stage of life. I'm good with that. I love sleeping in my own bed, without some other legs kicking me. It might feel different later when it gets colder and snuggling under quilts in a cold bedroom is the norm, but for now, I'm grin

3 adult sons
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 308   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8690809
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Anna123 ( member #70908) posted at 7:11 PM on Wednesday, September 29th, 2021

I remind him that she is his mother, but he tells me that he doesn't think she is a good person. I don't try to talk him out of that mindset.

That sounds perfect. He sees things you may be missing. You made your point and now it's on him. I am never fond of the betrayed parent trying to push the children in any way relationship-wise with the cheater. They are LIARS. I can't imagine how that works in a kids mind since both of my parents were were honest good people.

She doesn't want to be anyone's girlfriend and I don't really want to be anyone's boyfriend. We agree that we want to date each other and have a relationship, but still have our own lives. She's not dating anyone else and I'm not dating anyone else and we both said we weren't looking out and about for anyone else, but don't feel the need to just wrap our lives up together. This feels really comfortable.

I guess this might be what relationships are at this age and stage of life.

I think so! I was just talking to a friend of mine about this. She has had a nice relationship with a man now for a few years, both BS's. He still has children at home so they don't live together and she loves it. They agree they will keep their own places after. No reason to go all in completely blending lives at this stage since no children are involved. We are no longer building families so no point to it unless that is what we truly want, (which most people still do anyway). I am glad to be finding I am not alone in this! One of my reasons quitting the dating sites (for now) is feeling I am misleading good people looking for that blending. And then the other extreme are just looking for sex. So hard to spot who is on the same page! Maybe it is more common than we see.

I am having a tough time with the new interface as well btw---

posts: 632   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8690888
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 countrydirt (original poster member #55758) posted at 8:15 AM on Saturday, October 23rd, 2021

Updating again. The lady mentioned in this thread has been pulling away a bit again and seems to make it very difficult to do things I would like to do when I would like to, so I'm just sort keeping my options open. She had gone radio silent for a couple of weeks, then called me and told me her battery was dead in her car, so I grabbed my jumper cables and went and helped her out. I said something like, "Well, you don't want to be anyone's girlfriend, but I feel like you are treating me like a boyfriend." Might have been the wrong thing to say, but at this point, I feel like I can be picky and not accept anything less than respectful treatment.

I like the concept of spur of the moment adventures, but the reality is that I need a bit of planning sometimes to be 'spontaneous.' My school district is on a 4 day school week, but I often do activities on Fridays, which are a day off (don't worry, I'm getting paid for those days). Today, for instance, I went into the school (after a trip to the lumberyard) to finish up the set for our school's fall play and that took all of the morning. The director is exactly the same age as my middle son and I consider her the daughter I never had and she has me in a surrogate dad role as well. But, the previously mentioned lady texted me last night, after a few weeks of no contact, and proposed an event this morning and then was a little offended when I called her and told her that I couldn't do anything until the afternoon as I had a previous obligation.

I know we all get wrapped up in our own lives, but I try to be considerate about my friends' lives. I don't always see that in return.

During the time of silence, I visited OLD briefly and "liked" another lady's profile. We started chatting and exchanged numbers after a few days. So we met this evening for a light meal and then off to a concert. I've seen all the local musicians that play at the various clubs and restaurants over the past 18 months, so it was really nice to listen to some professional Nashville players back on tour again in our small city. Just so you know, John Hiatt may be nearly 70 and looks older than that, but that guy can still bring it musically. Wonderful 2 hour show.

More importantly, the nice lady I met was actually very nice and she looked just like, if not better than, her photos on her profile. 61 year old widow and one of the prettiest people I've seen in a long time. Active, vibrant and she likes to ski! She and her late husband used to ski at the ski area I worked at during and after college so we were able to share some trail tales.

Not sure if this will go anywhere, but it reminded me that I am still in the meeting new people phase. I'm definitely not recovered yet from the end of the marriage and know what I want to do with the rest of my life. But I do know that getting out and being alive every day is vital.

3 adult sons
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 308   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8694753
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cdagal ( member #38154) posted at 12:03 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

I’ve enjoyed reading about your new beginnings. But i have to say..... john hiatt. You lucky bugger. Saw him here in canada a couple of years ago when he was on his eclipse sessions tour. I have every one of his albums. And love hearing how his music is aging with him. I have got to go to nashville. Sorry for the tangent!

There is no education like adversity - Disraeli

posts: 271   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 8695046
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 countrydirt (original poster member #55758) posted at 12:19 AM on Tuesday, October 26th, 2021

I’ve enjoyed reading about your new beginnings. But i have to say..... john hiatt. You lucky bugger. Saw him here in canada a couple of years ago when he was on his eclipse sessions tour. I have every one of his albums. And love hearing how his music is aging with him. I have got to go to nashville. Sorry for the tangent!


No tangent there! The music was really good and the evening was a great time to meet someone new and be out and about. I've enjoyed his music for many years. The show was with the Jerry Douglas Band and had some of the music off their new album, but also many others as well. That band was sooo tight and the venue was actually pretty cozy - maybe 500 people in a big concert hall for 3-4000, so we were all down front.

3 adult sons
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 308   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8695054
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