Newest Member: BrokenF

General :
Preparing for full disclosure


 AllIam (original poster new member #79188) posted at 3:45 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

We've been through a false disclosure and a botched polygraph on our own without the help of experts. He withheld a lot, and now it's time to air that mess out.

Going forward, I know he'll be guided through the preparation.
Then comes another d day.
My therapist (who is amazing) will be there as well as his.

What can I really expect though? Will I just sit there trying to control my emotions as he reads through a long list of betrayals?

I don't like to show emotions in public, so I imagine the whole thing will be suffocating. What happens after I hear it? Am I supposed to react? Say something? Sink through the floor?

Trivial, I know, but what to wear? Leggings and sneakers so I can roll into a ball and wish for a quick death? Or something that says I'm beautiful, way too good for you, and look at what you gave up for meaningless sex with whores.

All these questions I can ask the therapist, but I'd like to hear some first hand experiences too.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2021
id 8693114

Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 3:55 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

My 2 cents- wear whatever makes you feel bad ass and bullet proof. Not for him to see - but for YOU. If that granny panties and sweats go for it. If that full on evening wear and stilettos with red lipstick go for it. Leggings and sneakers go for it. In fact, have a few options in your head so whatever you feeling that day you are prepared.

As for how to react, you can't predict that. But go with whatever you feel when you feel it. Feel those feels. If that means letting the tears flow do it. If that means curling in a ball do it. If that means sitting ramrod straight not blinking as those hits keep coming do it. Don't deny your body it reaction to trauma. You feel your feels whatever they may be.

I'm glad your IC will be there as I am sure you will have much to discuss. Don't hold back.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8693115

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:38 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

If you were doing it on your own, I'd prepare myself to listen with as little reaction as possible so as not to interrupt the flow. On your own, listen, then respond the best way you know how.

With both therapists there, I agree with Chaos. He's got support for when he needs it. You do, too. Be yourself.

I'd avoid the evening gown/stiletto approach. smile You'll do best for yourself if you can move freely.

The reason for being yourself is to show your WS who you are and who he'll have to deal with if R is on the table. Your WS needs to want you in order for R to succeed. If your WS can't give you support in your pain, you may very well not want to R with your WS.

Be yourself, even if that means not following my advice.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:39 PM, Thursday, October 14th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26144   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8693134

DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 5:57 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

I never had an official disclosure, but I remember how it felt to keep finding out more and more and more and more. Serial cheaters are just so much. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't have any good advice. I don't think there's a right way to take something that's so wrong. You have all my empathy on this. Just remember that none of it is a reflection on you. You'll be on my mind for sure when that day happens. It's hard and sadly lots of us know how it feels, so you aren't alone.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4552   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8693137

prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 6:22 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Do you have a safety plan? I don't mean physical safety. Emotional safety?

If it's a there plan for him to stay somewhere for a day or two?

How will communication be handled if you need him to leave?

If he stays in the home is there a room/place you can retreat too?

Stock the house with your fav comfort foods and drinks.

Create a bing tv list on Netflix. Action or comedy. Something mind numbing and a distraction.

Comfy pajamas and clothes for laying around

Your fav body wash for long baths

Play list of favorite songs

A friend/family on standby for emergency early morning vent sessions

I'm with Chaos..dress how you feel. Even if it's a evening gown and badass ass shoes.

Sending hugs

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 6:23 PM, Thursday, October 14th]

posts: 1996   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8693141

 AllIam (original poster new member #79188) posted at 6:33 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Thanks to all for the tips.

One concern I have is that I'll try to stifle my emotions because I know people are watching me.

Does it feel strange to have others witness such a dramatic emotional event in your life? Or do the concerns just go out the window when the trauma kicks into high gear?

posts: 30   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2021
id 8693146

DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 6:36 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

For me such concerns just went out the window. I lost it when I lost it and circumstances sadly didn't matter that much. I lost it in a work meeting one day because I'd just found something out and that was so embarrassing. At least with therapists you're expected to be able to get emotional.

It has to feel weird, though. Having witnesses to such an awful thing. They've seen it all I expect, but still. I get where it would feel awkward.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4552   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8693149

gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 6:56 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Does it feel strange to have others witness such a dramatic emotional event in your life?

I think yes... and no.
It can be really hard to be vulnerable with your IC... and the disclosure adds his IC to the mix as well.
I think learning to be vulnerable in that kind of setting is part of "the work" for both the WS and the BS.

Another way to look at it is if you had a broken leg, would you mask your pain to the doctor? I doubt it.
This really isn't any different, in that these ICs are there to HELP and HEAL you. similar to a physician, they can't do that w/o knowing what hurts, how it hurts, why it hurts, etc.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3437   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8693160

13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 7:06 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

Is it just you, H, and both your Cs? If so, don't worry for one second about your reaction and how you look. They don't care.

Does it feel strange to have others witness such a dramatic emotional event in your life? Or do the concerns just go out the window when the trauma kicks into high gear?

My DDay was H confessing to multiple affairs in the MC's office. I have absolutely no recollection of the C at all. I don't remember much of anything except that the F-bombs were bouncing off the walls and the C asked us if we had guns in the house. look The C was there to support us. If I looked rough, well, I had good reason, right?


The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 568   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8693165

HardKnocks ( member #70957) posted at 8:05 PM on Thursday, October 14th, 2021

During my FWS's formal Timeline Review (over several sessions in MC), I just went ahead and let myself ugly-cry. It was appropriate.

I wasn't able to speak (a first), so I was glad that our very talented MC was able to ask the tough questions that accompanied step by step review of the details (and H's mindset) of what led up to and happened in the intial days/weeks of the A.

Painful as it was, I believe the exercise was fundamental in getting me closer to the truth of what I didn't know, and for FWS to really look at and verbalize the enormity of what he had done to me (and us) over the past 5 months.

Completely worth it. Be how you are. It's all good.

BW 30 year marriage.
DDay2 2/20 5 month EA/PA

posts: 322   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2019
id 8693185
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