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Newest Member: 10yearson

Reconciliation :
How often do positive reconciliation stories stay positive

Topic is Sleeping.

Greto ( member #80904) posted at 10:26 PM on Friday, October 7th, 2022

I don’t fear my H cheating. I survived it once or twice already, I’ll be just as good the next time too, should that happen.

I have an exit strategy. Yup - I had one for the last affair and I have one if another affair pops up.

I refuse to let that fear rule my life. Because then the cheaters have robbed us BS of just one more thing - the opportunity to be happy.

This is so empowering and profound. It is what I am working on for myself right now. I will stay in my marriage and work on our issues but I will be prepared if it happens again.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2022   ·   location: Sandusky, Ohio
id 8758672

iHurtDec3 ( new member #51553) posted at 12:54 AM on Saturday, October 15th, 2022

7 years post d day and she cheated again! So 🤷‍♂️ Fuck my life. Don’t ask me

posts: 7   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2016
id 8759673

swmnbc ( member #49344) posted at 2:51 AM on Monday, October 17th, 2022

Right, I think it's just the nature of things that most people post here when in crisis and scuttle off when regular life takes over again. Strugglebus comes here to make a celebratory post every year but she's the exception.

From here I've gotten to know several ladies offline with DDays around mine and I know half a dozen who are enjoying reconciliation with no sign of cheating again, but I don't see them making their own posts very often. There just isn't much need to, really. But you do see people many years into R commenting on others' posts and I think you can work backwards from there.

There's no crystal ball. Anyone, in R or not, could find themselves cheated on. The price of love is the possibility of being hurt. But certainly infidelity is a catalyst that causes many couples to re-evaluate what is important and to create a relationship that is built on a much firmer foundation. Every human makes mistakes, and we all have the potential to learn from them. Some will, and some won't. All you can do is use your best judgment on which category your spouse falls in, and keep accepting only a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Ultimately, our peace comes from knowing and trusting ourselves. If another dark day comes our way, we will survive and see ourselves through to the other side.

posts: 1827   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2015
id 8759894

Rebreather ( member #30817) posted at 9:01 PM on Wednesday, October 19th, 2022

Ultimately, our peace comes from knowing and trusting ourselves. If another dark day comes our way, we will survive and see ourselves through to the other side.

In the end, this is what it came down to for me as well. It took me a really long time to get there, but what finally brought me peace and acceptance with my decision to R was finally rebuilding the trust in myself and the confidence to know what I will do if it happens again. I won't be dumb or a fool or whatever. I did the work. He did the work. WE did the work. And if he fails me again, ok. Fine. I'll move on. Letting go of the anxiety of will-he or won't-he cheat again was a huge step.

I haven't posted here in years, but I remember being in your timeframe thinking there was very little guidance for people in the 5,6,7 years out stage. So I don't know if the above is helpful or not. But I'm 15!!! years out and things are great. It's just a normal marriage now. We have better coping skills, conflict resolution skills. We have fun together. We are great friends. We are very dedicated to each other and very protective. We are tight with our kids. We aren't perfect. He is still a selfish ass at times. He's human. So am I.

Recovering from his betrayal was about the hardest thing I have ever done. Much of that was just because of who I am as a person. I'm glad I did it. I don't know that I could ever recommend this path to anyone else, which is a weird dichotomy. I was so angry for so long. Our MC advised us about 5 years out when I made us go back to counseling cause I just couldn't get comfortable, that constantly testing the relationship and bringing up the affair was like digging up a body buried in the backyard. All it does is stink up the house. I couldn't understand that for another couple of years, but that's how I think of it when I occasionally want to poke the bruise to see if it still hurts. Why? Do I really want to stink up the house? Not really.

The best thing to know is that YOU will survive, whether your marriage does or not. YOU come first. YOU got this.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

posts: 8016   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2011
id 8760283

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 11:57 PM on Wednesday, October 19th, 2022

Wow! It's a treat to hear from you again, Rebreather. Thanks for sharing.

I'm very glad you and your H are doing well.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 28378   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8760314
Topic is Sleeping.
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