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Newest Member: Issyibbitt

Reconciliation :
I really need Advice.

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Howcthappen (original poster member #80775) posted at 5:51 PM on Sunday, January 29th, 2023

Before my WS and I were married I had a few amazing experiences with other men that my WS was around for. We’ve know each other since I was 19.

Anyway, I dated an actor a few times over a summer. And I went on a few dates with an entertainer who I went to see a few times. (He sent for me)

I LOVE this singer’s music- we slept together a few times.

My WS doesn’t like him of course and I never play his music anymore.

Fast forward and my husband has an affair.

This performer is coming to town and I want to
Go to the concert. Before WS’s affair I would have just not even considered it.

I want to go and I feel that FWH should have nothing to say but part of his mindset during the affair was that he was insecure about me and my looks and attention I’ve always gotten from the opposite sex.

I wouldn’t sit close where he could see me (I doubt he’d even remember) and I would promise not to go back stage.

I’m curious how you think this would impact reconciliation.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 225   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8775242
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Notmine ( member #57221) posted at 6:24 PM on Sunday, January 29th, 2023

Nothing you did or are made him cheat. He cheated because his integrity is broken.

TBH in the early days of discovery I would have gone with bells on and let my husband know that he lost the right to an opinion of what I did when he cheated. I would have found a nice place to sit in my car after the concert and stayed out extra late and come home with a big smile on my face. If I was feeling extra bitchy, I would have smeared my lipstick and mussed my clothing. I was angry as hell and too concerned with how HE felt.

Now, what is most important is how my actions make ME feel about myself. Would going to the concert promote your longterm goals and vision for yourself?Would it be helpful or harmful to you going forward? Focus on what YOU need and want. He did not take your feelings into consideration when he cheated. Therefore, you are not obligated to do the same for him until you feel he is worthy of this.

When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!

posts: 757   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: DC
id 8775247
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straightup ( member #78778) posted at 7:51 PM on Sunday, January 29th, 2023

Did those experiences with other men occur before you were in a relationship with WH?

What is the context of your fling with this singer?

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 360   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8775255
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 Howcthappen (original poster member #80775) posted at 7:56 PM on Sunday, January 29th, 2023

Notmine

I don't want you to think that his reasons exvuse his cheating- not at all. But the fact thst he is an insecure man and this insecurity gave fuel to his waywatd midlife crisis affair.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 225   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8775256
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 Howcthappen (original poster member #80775) posted at 8:03 PM on Sunday, January 29th, 2023

Straightup-

My FWH and I met when he was 20 and I was 19. We dated on and off until finally getting together seriously at 28. He had his affair at age 49.

But yes both things happened in my 20’s.

I slept with the singer when I was unattached each time. FWH and I were friends and he knew about it and I told him more details later.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 225   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8775258
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:08 PM on Sunday, January 29th, 2023

I'd go. Since dday, I do what *I * want. Mind you,I have never given him reason to doubt my fidelity. I have very strong boundaries. I,too,attract a lot of admiring glances from men. Typically, it just gives me the creeps,because they're usually with their wives. When I am approached, I shoot them down,immediately.

All that to say..I know me. He sure as Hell better know me by now,as well. If he is insecure, it's because he knows how easy it is too cheat. If he doesn't trust me..that's on him. Not me. I've never been untrustworthy.

If there was something I wanted to do, his insecurities wouldn't stop me. Of course, he would be more than welcome to come. I'd encourage it. Either way, I'd go. I will never not do something because he feels he can't trust me. I would,however, be highly insulted,and question myself, as to why I'm staying with a man who is projecting his bullshit onto me.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8775260
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 12:06 AM on Monday, January 30th, 2023

What sort of message would going send to your WH?

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6705   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8775279
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 Howcthappen (original poster member #80775) posted at 12:31 AM on Monday, January 30th, 2023

Unhinged-

I’m not trying to go to the concert to send a message I REALLY really want to go.

However- he doesn’t want me to go but he doesn’t have right to tell me no as I had no say in his affair I was given the option to give my preference.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 225   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8775283
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 1:56 AM on Monday, January 30th, 2023

My instinct runs counter to what others have said, so take it with a grain of salt.

But my thought is that my boundaries didn’t change because my husband had an affair. I don’t feel like my husband’s affair gives me a free pass to do whatever I want, even if it makes him uncomfortable. I feel like if I want him to defer when I feel not ok with a situation, I should do the same.

admittedly, your situation sounds different, because it sounds like there might be an insecurity/possessiveness issue with your husband, whereas I can’t really think of any situation where my husband has felt jealous or uncomfortable with my actions (that might be because I instinctively have pretty firm boundaries, so it’s never come up).

I guess I feel like the ground rules didn’t change in my marriage; my husband just broke them. The rules are still the same, in my mind. But this thread has given me food for thought.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 630   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8775289
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 6:27 PM on Monday, January 30th, 2023

I am in the same boat as Grieving.

You've posted this question in Reconciliation. From that, I am assuming that you're trying to rebuild your marriage with your partner. Rebuilding takes TWO people. One of the things that was important when I was rebuilding was a redrawing of the walls and windows in our relationship (Shirley Glass talks about these in Not Just Friends, which I highly recommend both you and your spouse read if you have not done so already). Although I wasn't the one that cheated, I realized that I had several areas in my own life where walls didn't exist (and probably should) and I was relying only on my own willpower to avoid temptation. My husband was a prime example of how white knuckling works until it doesn't.

Another thing that was important for us was mutual respect and acting in whys that prioritized the relationship above all other relationships. Basically that came down to always acting in the way we wanted to be treated.

You have previously decided not to attend this performer's shows or listen to his music out of respect for your partner. Having walls around exes or people you've previously slept with is an incredibly reasonable boundary in a healthy relationship to show respect for your spouse. I imagine that you're thinking right now that because of what he's done, he should not get to dictate your actions anymore. Or maybe you just want to give him a little "f*ck you" to remind him that you are desirable and have options. Or maybe it's you that wants the little boost to your self-confidence. All of those things are understandable in the aftermath of infidelity, so please do not think of this as judgment, but they are NOT all conducive to a healthy Reconciliation.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 7:16 PM, Monday, January 30th]

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2134   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8775400
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:25 PM on Monday, January 30th, 2023

I have a different take.

The problem is your H's insecurity. That's his problem to resolve. Your staying home is more likely to exacerbate his problem than help resolve it. One way to help solve the problem may be to ask him to read a book on overcoming fear of abandonment while you're at the concert.

I think it's normal for 2 partners to have some different preferences. My reco is to go.

I don't mean to be snarky or dismissive here. I spent a long time fearing abandonment, and I believe I have to choose between writing something brief and tough or writing something very Victimy.

Your going to a concert by yourself, when he doesn't want to go, too, is simply not an act of abandonment.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:46 PM, Tuesday, January 31st]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29994   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8775416
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:55 PM on Monday, January 30th, 2023

Let me clarify.

I put him first throughout the entirety of our relationship. I sacrificed many things I wanted,to give him what he wanted. I always deffered to his wishes. Then he cheated. And I realized I had missed out on so many things I wanted, for a man who always got what he wanted.

Now,if there is something I want to do, we discuss it. If his reasons for not wanting me to go somewhere stem from HIS insecurities, I no longer allow that to hold me back. He is ALWAYS invited,and very much welcome to join me. If he chooses not to,that's on him. But there is a discussion. He admits his feelings aren't based on reality,or anything I've done.

For example, he didn't want me to attend my class reunion, because there might be an ex boyfriend there. And he was right. There may have been. There was also going to be many old friends that I wanted to see. I didn't give 2 craps if an ex was there. It was my 30th reunion. Any ex would have been someone I dated when I was a teenager. A kid. Who I wanted back then would never be someone I wanted now. And, I didn't cheat. I didn't break boundaries. I have never broken boundaries. I've never even been tempted. So,was I supposed to skip out on a very important occasion, for me, to appease his unfounded insecurities? No. Wasn't going to happen. He actually did go with me. He laughed when he met my old high school boyfriend,and we had a wonderful time.

We have a healthy marriage. It is possible.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8775429
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 8:57 PM on Monday, January 30th, 2023

The problem is your H's insecurity. That's his problem to resolve. Your staying home is more likely to exacerbate his problem than help resolve it.

I absolutely agree. Your WH's issues are his issues, not yours. That being said, going to the concert will send a message to him. What message he receives is entirely up to you. How he interprets what you tell him is entirely up to him.

One of the things I've learned from this site is that, generally speaking, the issues a WS possesses that lead them down Infidelity Lane are the same issues that have been tripping them up for most of their lives (foo shit). Those issues can affect most aspects of their lives, not just their marriages. The same can said for most people, I think, although not everyone tries to soothe those issues with infidelity.

Still, even in a good marriage, a spouse going to see an ex-lover, especially a famous one... that might make even the most secure men feel a little uncomfortable.

We preach on these virtual pages that actions speak louder than words. So, I ask you again, what sort of message will going send to your WH?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 8:58 PM, Monday, January 30th]

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6705   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8775430
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:13 PM on Tuesday, January 31st, 2023

I've got to disagree here.

The message you send out has a lot of influence on how it is received and interpreted, but the receiver is the one who decides what a communication really means.

Your H is insecure. No matter what you say about what you'll do at the concert, he'll feel insecure. If you let him record everything you do, the best you'll get from him would be on the order of, 'Well, she acted OK this time.'

I know a lot about insecurity, though I don't know if my version is like your H's. For me, it was fear of abandonment. I know what it's like to dump myself into fear and anger when my W was out alone and when she came back later than she said she would. I also the comfort and joy of not dragging myself to stuff I didn't really want to go to because an itty-bitty part of myself was afraid my W wouldn't come back.

Having written the above, I go back to this: the issue is your H's insecurity, not the concert. Unless your H resolves that, you'll have to stifle yourself. That's not a recipe for long term happiness. Resolving an insecurity issue is.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29994   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8775529
Topic is Sleeping.
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