SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I truly understand the full meaning of this now. Some on here know my story. It’s been 4 years and 3 months since DDay and for that whole time my WW just wouldn’t engage in "doing the work". The roller coaster ride these last 4 years has been quite the top notch thrill ride I must say, not for the faint of heart. After our last big tussle at the end of April, she finally agreed that we need couples counseling to work on our communication skills. It was sort of a back door attempt that my IC and I discussed to try and get my WW to learn that therapy is not the dangerous place she thinks it is in the hopes that maybe she would engage in IC of her own. We were supposed to be fine July 14 but last Friday, I had a few triggers that kind of put me in "the sad zone". When I came home from work she was obviously pissed about something. Short blunt answers to questions about what plans we had for the weekend, staring at a magazine while aggressively flipping through the pages while obviously not reading them. I gave her some cool down time as when she’s in this state no positive results come out of a conversation.

Well, she went walkabout until Sunday morning when I asked her what I did to make her so angry. She said she could see I’m not happy and says I’ll never be happy with her. I told her I have forgiven her for the actual affair, I needed this for myself to get past it, but my current hang up is that it makes me sad, and resentment is slowly building in me because she won’t do any work. I need her to be a safe partner. We haven’t shared a bed since DDay, that makes me feel lonely and sad, when I have triggers, instead of supporting me she gets angry and emotionally abusive. In our relationship, as long as I am currently in a happy state and providing love to her, we are good, but if I fall into any form of "visibly and emotionally not happy", she gets mad at me and becomes distant.

My grandfather had an old saying in construction, "It’s not a fuck up unless it can’t be fixed!" For our relationship I need for her to show me some work, ANY work, any sign that she values me and/or our relationship. When I suggested counseling, this forum in the wayward support section, reading books, watching videos, etc, she responded with "there’s nothing I’ll ever be able to do that will make you happy", I told her that just trying anything would go a long way toward that. She stood up and walked away.

Im hoping we can come to terms in an estate settlement and I’ll file for a dissolution ASAP. If she stalls me out on moving forward with this I’ll file for D. I’m done! When you know, you know.

Four years is a long time to be living like you have been.

You deserve better.

Just be prepared for her last minute "let’s go get some professional help" attempt to stop the D. I believe you will recognize it’s a stall tactic as she’s not "all in" to actually engage to help you heal or make amends.

She may think (as cheaters often do) that even after Dday they still control things. It’s shocking to them when they learn they don’t.

Best of luck to you and just know you deserve better than the few crumbs you’ve gotten.

You’ve been extremely patient with your WW. Four years is sufficient time for her to look inwards and try to change for the better. As you move forward with dissolution, do not make the mistake of engaging and arguing with her. The time for this has passed. Learn to be a greyrock. Learn the phrase: "I’m sorry you feel that way." Always value yourself. Work to build a great new beginning for you. Good luck.

It sounds like she is using you as a supply to make her feel better about her actions. There doesn't seem to be much accountability on her side.

I have often believed that when you know it will be beyond the shadow of a doubt.
It sounds like you are there.
I wish you the best.

Catastrophizing is the other size of minimizing.

It's a way to avoid accountability. "Nothing will ever be good enough to erase, so why should I even try?" It's absolute nonsense and I feel for you. My wife used similar lines before she finally got it, which was shortly after I asked for a divorce in writing.

If you go for the D, we support you. If she magically gets it and starts putting in the work after you ask for a D, at least I won't judge you at all for changing your mind.

This0is0fine,
Wheels are in motion. She would have to move mountains at this point. She would have to dive in deep into IC and actually be able to present well thought out progress and findings for me to even consider it. Honestly, I think I’d rather end the marriage and if things worked out later where she did begin to "get it" then we could always get back together. I just wouldn’t ever remarry her. I’ll NEVER get married again.

It sounds like she is using you as a supply to make her feel better about her actions. There doesn't seem to be much accountability on her side.

She has shown maybe 1% accountability. She’s still looking for justifications for the affair and she occasionally seeks out those who will side with her on those justifications. No ownership whatsoever.

Sorry, CMB. Truly, when you know, you know. We'll walk with you through this.