SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’d really appreciate some perspective on this situation.

Years ago, my spouse had a one-night stand and kept it secret. Some time later, I had my own affair (I’m not proud of it). Eventually, my spouse confessed hers—years after it happened—and shortly after that, I confessed mine. Since then we’ve been trying to repair things for close to two years: therapy, hard conversations, the whole grind.

One night we had a bad argument while out drinking with mutual friends. My spouse left and went to her sister and brother-in-law’s house to "get away", where they were hosting a weekend get-together with several people. One of the guests was a close friend of theirs (the other man). I had only met him once in passing, but he’s tight with them socially and my brother-in-law also works with him.

Important context: during an earlier night out connected to her sister’s crowd, my spouse had already started confiding in this guy about our marriage and about my affair. Her sister was also going through an affair her husband had and she was out looking for her husband's AP. She was accompanied by a long time friend and the other guy. My wife wanted to go to make sure her sister doesn't "do anything stupid". The four of them went bar to bar looking for this girl and while doing this, my wife apparently had several conversations with this guy and told him all about our marriage problems. He then told her about how he was cheated in in his past. So he knew our situation and how raw things were.

On the night of the argument, my spouse was in a very low place emotionally and highly intoxicated—she’d thrown up that night after getting having more shots once she got to her sister's. The AP was there but she said she didn't talk to him much while at the house. Once everyone had left and those who stayed were going to sleep, she felt she needed to talk about our relationship and what she was emotionally upset about. She texted him because she "needed someone to talk to" and most likely because she felt sage sharing our intimate marriage details with him after her first previous with him. Instead of responding like a true friend of the family—"You’re married, you’re drunk, sleep it off, go home"—he came and picked her up. He took her to his house, put her in his bed, laid partly on her leg, rubbed her hand while talking… and steered the situation toward sex. He knew she was married, he knew she was vulnerable and drunk, he knew the damage already in play—and he chose to be an opportunist anyway.

What’s tearing me up now is my spouse’s sister and brother-in-law have stayed close with him. They socialize with him and my brother-in-law still works with him. They know what happened, what their friend did by taking advantage if my wife, and how it wrecked me, yet they’ve chosen to keep him in their circle.

If you were in my shoes, how would you feel about the sister and brother-in-law keeping that friendship? Would you see it as a breach of loyalty to you and your marriage? Would you set distance or boundaries with them (and if so, which ones)? What would you do about family events where he might be around? I’m trying to figure out what a healthy, self-respecting response looks like here.

Yes, I would feel like they don’t have my back, and I would avoid them like the plague.

I actually do this with my own sister and her husband, for other reasons than yours, and it’s unfortunate but the right choice in my mind. When people show you who they are, believe them.

Thank you for the response. Yes, I agree. They have shown me who they are, I just have to believe them.

Well, considering that I'd be livid with a friend who did the same shit as OM, I'd also be highly offended, in your shoes, by your in-laws' choices.

I think their choice to remain friends with this guy speaks volumes about their loyalty and judgment. I wouldn't want to spend time with them. I wouldn't trust them, either.

I'd draw a simple boundary and let them know that if OM is invited to family gathering that you, and your wife, will not be attending. How they choose to respond will tell you everything you need to know.

Thank you for your reply as well. That's the conclusion I've come to. I’ve cut them off and set my boundaries. If they want to keep OM in their circle, that’s their choice but it’s also a choice against me. It shows me exactly where I stand with them, and I’m not going to sit around pretending that kind of disrespect is okay just because we’re family.

What blows my mind is how they can be okay with keeping him around, especially when her own sister is going through her husband’s affair...an affair OM knew about while it was happening and kept from her. That makes it even harder to understand how anyone, especially the sister-in-law, could still see him as a "friend."

Is your wife keeping contact with them? What about OM?

Could you clarify the timeline? Is this OM the ONS your wife had a couple of years ago or is this a new affair?

I have the same questions as Bigger. Are you in-laws friend with the OM from the one night stand, or was the one night stand an earlier incident with a different guy?

It seems to me that instead of dealing with the hurt, betrayal, and anger that you feel toward your wife for cheating on you, you're focusing your anger on your in-laws and blaming the guy for being an "opportunist," which is ignoring the fact that there would've been no opportunity without your wife's consent. If this is your wife's second affair, then I think you have a bigger problem then the fact that your in-laws are still friends with an OM.

Now to address your question, I can get why you feel hurt that your in-laws are friends with OM, but I suspect that because you had your own affair, your SIL probably doesn't care much for you and doesn't think you have a "higher moral ground" from which you can judge your wife for cheating or tell them who they can be friends with (especially since BIL and OM are close friends and coworkers).

As for setting boundaries, your wife should take the initiative here with her own sister and tell her that neither she nor you will attend any events at which the OM is present. This is a perfectly reasonable request. The reason I say your wife should deal with it is because her sister is more likely to respect her wishes than yours; also, since your wife created this particular problem, she should fix it. If your wife is really committed to your marriage and rebuilding trust, she will have no problem doing this.

But if your wife gives you a hard time about this (or worse, goes behind your back and sees him anyway) then, to reiterate, your problem is with your wife, not your in-laws.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:40 PM, Tuesday, September 2nd]

No, my wife is not in contact with OM. Shes cut that off. She is keeping contact with her sister though.

As for the timeline: this OM is the one-night stand she had in 2024. Years ago she had another ONS that she swears was just "making out". She denied it from d-day (around 2010) and I went years feeling like something more happened that night out with her girlfriend but she would deny it every time I brought it up. She hid from me until recently, and I had my own affair a couple years back. We both confessed around the same time and have been working through things for almost two years now. The night with OM happened after one of our arguments, when she was drunk, vulnerable, and reached out to him. That’s the incident that set all of this off with her sister and brother-in-law continuing to keep him in their circle.

A little more info and to clarify:

2010- wife had ONS with random at bar during night out with female co-worker. We were having marital problems prior to that night. Wife denied for years anything at all happened.

2022 - having marital problems again. This time I have an affair. She confesses to her 2010 affair and claims just a make out session with over the clothes grabbing in parking lot after left bar. I confess to my affair.

2022-2024 - working through affairs and trying to repair both/ wife still struggling with my affair- leads to her having an actual physical ONS with her sister/brother-in-laws friend after argument and she was drunk and vulnerable.

Sister/BIL continue friendship with OM.

I've never tried to control who they're friendship. Instead, I've controlled how I responded. The BIL cheated on my wife's sister as well. Neither of us has held that against each other and have hoped each could work things out. I just find this different in keeping thwt kind of man as a friend. Of course I would prefer they cut him off and out of their lives.. Because what kind of true friend takes advantage of their sister who's married, drunk, and at her emotional low point and vulnerable--kind of like a hyena going after wounded prey. It seems like it would have told them what kind of "trustworthy" "man" he really is. But... I understand people have different lenses and turn their backs to avoid uncomfortable.

I'm sorry, but you can't think if your wife as a wounded gazelle when she's cheated on you at least twice that you know about. More importantly, judging from the sequence of events in the story, she took the initiative by contacting him to complain about her marriage to you, got into his car, and went into his bed. She may have been fueled by liquid courage, but it's clear she knew exactly what she was doing.

Oh of course she did. That's where we've been for the last year-working through both of our affairs and what led to them-to include why we sought validation, desire, escape, etc. outside of our marriage. It's been a long process of learning.

That's not where in stuck. It's with the sis/BIL. Just knowing by relationship to the wife that they'll be around for a long time- and by associate the OM is still there because of their continued friendship. It's the "them keeping him around and toasting beers together regardless of who he showed them he really is" and if I'm being too irrational by not associating with them, or anyone else still associating with the OM if they know what he did.

It's like, if the OM had swooned the sis and took advantage of her vulnerability when she was struggling with her husbands affair, I find it hard t believe that the BIL would still be laughing and drinking beers with his "friend".

I do hold my wife fully responsible for allowing that to happen, just as I do myself for my choices. But she was 50% of that affair. He made his choice too and got what he was after. I'd just had false expectations for the "family" to have our back over his like we have for them in their affair recovery.

I don't think you're being irrational at all. Cutting the OM out of your lives is a good idea for a myriad of reasons.

This entanglement is toxic.

Reconciliation requires tremendous effort, especially as mad-hatters (people are both wayward and betrayed spouses). Anything or anyone that undermines your efforts has to be, even if temporarily, set aside.

Thank you for your response. I appreciate your perspective.

I agree with everyone else, cut those people out of your life unless they can get their head out of their 4th point of contact (@$$)!
You need to stop seeing your wife as the victim and "taken advantage of while vulnerable." She cheated previously. You both spent 2 whole YEARS working on the M. She knew exactly what she was doing. If anything, the OM did you a favor because he showed you just how easy your wife threw all that work down the drain and had zero boundaries. I was in high school and knew better than to talk to another man that wasn't one of my brothers about my relationship issues. I'm sure a grown woman knows more than a 15 year old.
If your wife isnt owning ALL of her choices and back in therapy, she is not reconciliation material.
Not only should you cut your ILs out of the picture, you should make it a requirement that your wife have no contact either, because they are not friends of your marriage. But, again, this points to more evidence that your wife is not reconciliation material.
If I am wrong about the facts, then disregard. If your wife has voluntarily cut those people out of her life, or gives zero resistance when you require no contact, only then would she be (maybe) reconciliation material.

That's not where in stuck. It's with the sis/BIL. Just knowing by relationship to the wife that they'll be around for a long time- and by associate the OM is still there because of their continued friendship. It's the "them keeping him around and toasting beers together regardless of who he showed them he really is" and if I'm being too irrational by not associating with them, or anyone else still associating with the OM if they know what he did.

What is it with your family for focusing all the blame on the person not married to them. Where was the BIL while all this was going on. Did he just let his wife run off to confront his AP? SIS and BIL know more about the reality of what went on that night then you do.
Your wife, drunk or not, intentionally ended up in bed with their friend. Even if her story was true, and it's not. Your wife's story has her totally the victim and shifts all blame to the friend. In her story, she reached out to him after the others went to sleep. She either suggested or agreed to have him pick her up. What do you really think was the plan there. Not just talking, because you can do that over the phone. If anything, sis should be cutting your wife off being a cheater like her husband. The guy who slept with your wife wasn't cheating. He didn't initiate contact after hours. That's all on your wife who pursued him.

If I were in your shoes my boundary would be that your wife cannot attend any get together at her sister's house unless you are present and if you cannot be present then your wife cannot go. I know you're drawing a Line in the Sand between your wife and your sister but if there is even the slightest chance that the OM will be there it will be disastrous for your relationship

For example, your wife goes to her sister's house just to hang out and when she gets home you find out that several people were there and om was one of them. Now your wife can say she had no idea he would be there but you know you're going to think she's lying

Let's say you go with her and om shows up, you know there's going to be at bare minimum tension so why even take a chance on subjecting yourself to that.

Your sister-in-law is going to side with her sister over you every time. They are family, you are not her biological brother

Personally I would cut ties with a friend who took advantage of the situation such as you describe. I do not want people like that in my circle and I would make it clear why

You had an affair, your brother-in-law had an affair, your wife had an affair. Your sister-in-law apparently is the only one who hasn't so if she's going to be mad at someone she has to be mad at all three of you

You can avoid your sister-in-law and her husband but you cannot stop your wife from interacting with her sister so if there is a party and your wife is invited you can choose to not go and risk the other guy being there or you can go still risking the other guys going to be there. The OM is not a good person to the same degree that your wife isn't. She knew what she was doing when she called him and got into his car and climbed into his bed and whatever else happened

Romans, this is really tough but my basic idea about family is the following: God gives you family because they are not people you would willingly associate with unless you HAD to. This is my experience of my birth family (in general) and my husband's family. I would NEVER see almost any of these people, except my Mom, unless I HAD to. My family is all dead now which I have mixed feelings about but unfortunately our ideas about family are frequently overly optimistic. Don't forget the first people Adam and Eve - Adam tried to blame the apple thing on Eve, and then they had 2 kids and Cain killed his brother Abel. So....this is the template. Not saying there aren't happy families who love each other but families are mixed bags. So don't feel guilty about any of your feelings about family in general or a specific family member. Sometimes they really are assholes.

As for this situation, it sounds like your sister and BIL engage in some loose partying with over the top drinking (at least on occasion) and some sleazebag friends. I have to wonder about their lifestyle and whether THEY have issues in general, but if they know about what this guy has done and they keep inviting him, then they are NOT friends of your marriage and they care more about him for some reason than you and your wife. I'd would definitely back away from them and consider them as NOT friends of your marriage, but the opposite, and I'd stop engaging with them in general. Maybe just the holiday thing where everybody pretends they care, but aside from that, I would stop doing things with them and definitely don't confide in them. Obviously same for your wife, if she really DOES want to be different. Obviously the excess drinking has to stop and she has to stop confiding in male "friends". I'm not a big believer in oppo sex friendships especially if someone has shown they are vulnerable to sexual advances - this often happens in these scenarios. ALWAYS AVOID TEMPTATION. People so often now over-estimate how they can handle situations including dealing with the oppo sex and.....nah, it often turns into some kind of romantic or sexual event because.....BIOLOGY. And predators. Sounds like this guy is predatory and your wife gets into situations where she can't say no. She may do this deliberately and she should be aware of this.

So yes, cross S and BIL off the friends list and basically avoid them - and the booze - as much as possible. Avoid temptation and if this guy shows up at any event you're at, I'd leave immediately. Well, actually I probably wouldn't, but that would involve the police and I can't really recommend that. Avoid or disengage with ANYONE who is not a friend of your marriage - or a friend of YOUR LIFE.

Oh, I think I misunderstood about the sister, so Roman, this is your WIFE'S Sister, not your own? It doesn't make any difference I think in my advice, I suspect she and her husband are sleazebags, more than you know, and you and wife should avoid them as much as possible if you really want a real marriage. It sounds like these two are a corrosive influence. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if they have an open marriage they're kind of keeping under wraps and the boundaries don't hold - as they usually don't. There seems to be something sleazy about them that I am sensing, and I'd stay away from them. Your wife has to stay away from this guy because yeah, I think she drinks to give herself courage and permission. She has to avoid these scenarios and own up to why she does things. But the key really is....avoid bad company and avoid temptation...wherever it comes from.

Would your wife be agreeable to not being involved (or minimally) with her sister? That's, of course, the crucial element, your wife has to go along with the game plan. I would be kind of wary if there is something wrong in that family in general, especially about relationships, so....keep your eye out.

Thank you all for taking the time out of your day to post sincere perspectives. I appreciate your effort and enjoy heading different views.

My wife has fully taken responsibility for her decision and has owned that I was just as much her fault and choice as the OM. I hold her just as accountable for her actions as I do my own, as well as her sister and BIL for their choice. Weather we can recover from this all is yet to be seen but I tell you it's a struggle.

She refuses to hold her sister and BIL responsible for their choices and blames herself for putting them in that situation. I don't know that I can sustain a marriage where they're not held accountable by BOTH of us and protect our marriage from anyone who betrays, disrespects, or are not friends of the marriage.

What does being "held accountable" mean? If your expectation is that your wife sever her relationship with her own sister to save a marriage that is on life support, then I agree with your assessment that your marriage is probably doomed. If you want an apology of some sort you’re not going to get one, particularly if your SIL sees you as hypocrite.

I also agree with your wife that they didn’t put her in any situation or facilitate the affair in any way other than be friends with the OM. Your wife showed up at a party at their house without you. She chose to get drunk. She chose to vent to him about her marital problems. She chose to call him up at the end of the night. She chose to get in his car. The affair didn’t happen at their house and you don’t mention them doing anything to cover it up or encourage her to continue the affair. Therefore, I fail to see how they are to blame for any of this.

To give you some perspective, when I was married to my ex, his sister did everything she could to undermine my relationship with him. Her coup de gras was that she contacted his ex-gf over social media, rekindled a friendship with her, disclosed my marital struggles, and shared my then-husband’s contact info with her, which directly led to his second affair. She actively encouraged his affair and cheered on the destruction of our marriage. If we had remained married, it would’ve been impossible for me to have anything to do with my SIL under those circumstances.

I don’t know if your in-laws badmouth you or have done anything else to meddle with your marriage, but based only what you’ve shared here, I don’t think it’s fair to declare your in-laws "enemies of the marriage." From your BIL’s perspective, he is not going to give up a close friendship for the sake of his SIL’s husband’s peace of mind. From your SIL’s perspective, she’s not going to accept the blame for her your wife’s choices, especially since you cheated yourself.

As for how to proceed from here, my advice to you is to let it go and focus on your marriage, not your in-laws. I would tell your wife that if she goes to parties at your sister’s house and visits while OM is there, it’s an automatic dealbreaker. You’re also well within your rights to say that you want nothing to do with people you feel don’t respect you and set your own boundaries about what level of contact (if any) you have with them going forward.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:55 AM, Friday, September 5th]