The situation between my WW and I is a loooong story, but to summarize it, we are a bit of an opposites attract situation so there have been ups and downs in our relationship that involved extended periods of a lack of intimacy and significant mental health issues (e.g., she suffers from severe anxiety and bouts of depression and I battled with my own depression as a result of trying to care for, and having no understanding of, her depression and anxiety).
So, here goes...We have four children (the two oldest she brought into our M, then we had two of our own). The biological father of the second oldest went to prison when my WW was 7 months pregnant - his sentence was 8 or 9 years, and during his time inside he got it extended to 12 year with various violations and fights, etc. He got out at the end of October 2025. Almost immediately he began pressuring my WW about seeing his kid (second oldest) AND wanting my WW to come "hang out." Ultimately, this pressure - which consisted of at least a dozen or more texts and phone calls per day - to hang out became more explicit and he started telling her that he wanted to have sex with her. A couple weeks later, she came to me, crying, that she her anxiety was through the roof because he was propositioning her for sex and it was getting to her. We discussed it and I told her that the mistake was in communicating with him because no matter how she meant it, he was taking it as an invitation to continue. From my point of view, things calmed down after that. She didn't really bring it up and when I would ask she said she hadn't heard from him except to see his kid. Up to this point, I had never had any reason to suspect her of infidelity. Up to this point, she had always been very open and honest.
On January 11, 2026, she came to me that she needed to talk to me about something important. The conversation opened with me asking what she wanted to talk about. She responded with his name and I knew, so to confirm I asked her if she slept with him. She started crying and said yes. When I asked her when, she said she didn't remember. I asked her how long or how many times. She said once. She went on to say that there was no emotion in it. When I asked her why, she said she didn't know except that he had put so much pressure on her that she thought if she did it once it would back him off and she was trying to protect our family from him. I know firsthand how volatile and threatening he can be - he's made comments, over the years, about me and whooping my ass, etc. Eventually, I narrowed the time frame to a day between Nov. 15 and Nov. 25. (On Nov. 14 the tracking on her phone, which we share with one another and oldest child, was turned off, and I was out of town over Thanksgiving with my mother out of state - she claimed the tracking was turned off because oldest was always harassing her about when she would be home, could she pick them up XYZ, etc. and she claimed that it happened before I went out of state.)
Three or four days later, our youngest child was no her phone and brought it to me, so I went through her messages and found her texts with him. I was surprised to find flirtatious messages continued between them through at December 29. When I confronted her about the texts, her explanation was that she was trying to "keep the peace" and that she only responded to him the way she did because that's how he would expect her to respond.
I dove headfirst into Scripture and worked hard to find clarity on how to deal with the situation. My initial reaction was to tell her to leave and to have no contact. That was hard, though, because 1) our kids and 2) she's my wife and truly holds my heart. I came to a place where I can forgive, and have forgiven, her transgression. I'm not healed, but I have forgiven her. That said, I'm still not sure R is truly possible. I want it to be possible, and I'm willing to work towards it, which she says she wants too - she has been emotionally present since informing me. She claims that she told me because she couldn't carry the guilt and she knows her apologies are meaningless (true) and that she has put everything she has at risk (true) and that it wasn't worth it (true) because instead of protecting our family from the situation she has only made it worse (true). Since telling me, she has let me know anytime there was communication between the two of them - shown me the texts and call times - unfortunately, it's not realistic to enforce no communication because of the shared child. One week after DDay, he called and they got into a huge argument which ended with him making several veiled threats. This was followed by several texts continuing with the threats. She said he was clearly back on drugs, which proved true because leading up to his next appointment with his probation officer he had a "dirty" urine sample. Unfortunately, state laws here label this as a "first technical violation" and, therefore, nothing really happens - maybe increased frequency of meetings with probation officer.
Fast forward to today, things have been okay between us. She is resistant to intimacy - claims it's her guilt about how badly she hurt me, etc. - but we can enjoy the normal day-to-day routine without me being triggered into negative thoughts - the first week was scary because I was definitely headed into a very DARK place, but I was pulled back from that ledge by God and my kids. Until today, I hadn't shared any of this with anyone, but I got the notification that I could post here at the same time that I got an email from one of my kid's preschool about a discrepancy in payment of their bill. So, I started to write this post, then though I better get the bank account records for the pre-school first. As I was going through the bank records, I found transactions at gas stations in the same town that the OM lives in - there wouldn't be any reason for my WW to be in that town and the dates of those transactions were Nov. 17, 20, 21, 26, 27, and Dec. 28. So, now my head is spinning. She told me this occurred only one time and I am willing to reconcile on that basis, but if this happened more than once then it is over, full stop.
I know the odds, but I was willing to overlook the odds until they were shoved in my face, so to speak.
I'm past the point of retribution/revenge, etc. - there's nothing to be gained in anger and bitterness. But, any guidance on what to do next would be greatly appreciated. Thus far, she's been willing to talk, but she has stubbornly stuck to her story that it only happened once, that it meant nothing in terms of how she feels about me and our family, and claims that it wasn't about sex because she says she is fully satisfied by me. Is it just me, or do these charges in his very small town tell a different story, or am I overthinking it? I'm just not sure what to think or what to do with this new potential info. Perhaps I'm just an idiot? Never thought of myself that way before, but I'm open to that possibility at this point. Maybe I just needed to share my situation, but if anyone has any thoughts, suggestions, encouragement, I'm all ears. This is a wicked, wild F'ing ride!
