SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all - firstly thankyou for taking the time to read, the support here is so special and I’ll pay it back when I am further down the road. So my story, my husband first cheated on me 23 years ago with a 2 month affair with work colleague. We split up for about 2 years and found our way back to each other and ended up marrying and having 2 sons. We’ve been married 17 years and the last 5 have been hard. He has a lot of trauma from childhood, and 5 years ago his dad died. He struggled with his grief due to complex relationship with dad (who also had had affairs 😩and mental health challenges). Over the last 4 years he spiralled as wasn’t coping. I discovered £30k debt, we sorted, I was in shock then found out a year later he had another £10k loan. We went straight to marriage councilling. His mum was also very ill and passed away last Easter. I knew something was off so went snooping and discovered he’d been visiting massage parlours/emailing escorts. I was severely traumatised. He’s been in therapy since last summer to understand his toxic behaviour. He is financially transparent with me. I can’t let go of my anger though as he seems to just want to spend time with our boys (15 & 12). He is Disney dad (football coach etc) but if I ask the kids to help with anything he loses it and tells me I’m horrible to everyone. I’m really stuck. I’ve told him what I need to try and rebuild some connection and he tells me I can’t change as he’s stopped visiting massage parlours etc but I can’t stop being judgemental. I am stuck in limbo as now it feels like it’s me that can’t change vs he behaved in a way that completely disrespected me, and our family (in his eyes he was trying to cope with severe depression and suicidal thoughts). It’s such a mess. He currently is not earning as set up a business with a female colleague. I also discovered overly friendly texts with his business partner and he admitted they need better boundaries. Typing this out I feel like I would be telling me to have some respect and make the decision to separate. I just feel so alone. I feel sure I would be blamed (I’m the one who nags kids to do homework, am judgemental as don’t want them to play Xbox all day). It’s a unique kind of pain this infidelity (although according to my husband it wasn’t cheating 🤣) Sorry for the lengthy post. I’m sat on my own whilst husband watches more action movies with sons in the holiday home that I’ve paid to rent. Need to vent as you can tell. I know I have to find the answer and I wish for the day the pain disappears and I can focus on being the best mum. Thankyou for reading and any advice appreciated. Really looking for some positive stories either way. Limbo is hell xxx

Seems to me that your WH never took responsibility for his behavior. I have so many questions.

Maybe you guys kind of rugswept? What is he doing in counseling? Has he come clean to you about all of his deceptive behaviors? Has he taken full responsibility for himself and taken steps to make amends? What do you need from him?

Are you still together, or separated? It sounds like you are still together, but his behavior sounds like that of a weekend dad.

He is checked out.

With kids he is a "Disney dad" and not a parent.

He is BLAMING YOU and not taking accountability for anything, including acting like a parent when he needs to.

IMO he is coasting through life and looking for the easy way out.

Next time he blames you for your feelings, calmly afk him what he has done to show YOU he has made changes.

I’m so sorry you’re finding yourself here. From what you described, he doesn’t seem to be really invested in repairing things with you. Or, taking accountability for his actions.

Seems to me you might want to start prioritizing yourself and your needs. Have you tried 180?