Sometimes the pain and confusion is just so overwhelming that I'm stuck.
After going through WS multi-year EA with suspected PA, false reconciliation and now both WS and WS's AP are divorcing at the same time.
Looking back, I had been the one that put in the thoughts and time for reconciliation. Perhaps, WS never did want to reconcile. I have no idea. There were some initial moments felt like geniune efforts, did provided passwords, tried to cut contact; however, emotionally distant was present and effort being inconsistent; further lies about things we agreed WS would do, but didn't do; trickle truth.
I was calm and collective at the beginning, but as things go on, each time, there were more inconsistencies, or trickle truth, I felt less secure.
I think I also made mistakes of overstaying, when boundaries were not respected. I tried to reinforce boundaries. WS didn't like it.
However, my WS claimed that they couldn't remember or think of any time we had before discovery date. WS decided to judge out marriage based on the time after discovery date, which I felt was just totally unfair.
The whole reconciliation phase was about 6 months. WS showed signs of leaving 1-2 months in, but kept trying.
We separated and the separation months were brutal. No signs of reconnection, despite WS claiming they wanted to. Nothing made sense during couple therapy as it was all just fake attempt at that point. At the end, the divorce anouncement was brutal and no meaningful communication, no closure, as if I was discarded.
It's all very confusing, and because there was no closure at the end, I found it very consuming to make sense of it all. WS felt like being flipped to a completely different person.
I guess, I don't know what geniune reconciliation and remorse should look like?
