I did just confront my WW about her secret life. Unfortunately, there isn't much in the Healing Library on actual confrontation, sadly. If you have a chance to look at the book "Not Just Friends", it's a fantastic resource on everything from pre- to post-confrontation, and beyond. I highly recommend it, and I've now given it to my wife as a "reading assignment," so to speak. Anyway, I have a few pointers I can offer. Of course, not everything will apply to your situation, but I did go through your posts. It sounds like you have pretty good evidence of an affair. My personal feeling is that when it comes to affairs, information is power. The more you have, the more you can control the situation. When you have solid proof, there's no excuse that can explain it away. Make sure you have all the bits of information that you can possibly gather. Your post count isn't high enough here, unfortunately, but should you raise it a few dozen (valid) posts, there are areas on this site that will be open to you and give you a wealth of information about investigating your spouse. Something you might want to think about if you're not in a big hurry to confront. I've read post after post about BS's regretting that they confronted too early, and were gaslighted and trickle-truthed to no end. It's up to you to decide when the time is right, but try to put yourself in your spouse's shoes and see how he might explain (i.e. lie) away your evidence. You mention that your husband has an iPhone. If he backs it up on your computer, there are ways to analyze those backups for suspicious activity, including location data. The phone bill might tell you a lot as well (I don't know how it works in Ireland, though). Secondly, if you have ongoing means of gathering information, make sure you do not reveal those means to him. Protect your sources! As soon as you confront, expect password changes, hiding of any affair related things, and so on. You have to keep up your surveillance once you confront. Do not let him know all that you know. I purposely let my wife know very little about what I knew. I kept my questions very open and didn't let her know at all what I knew. This is very very unsettling for a wayward spouse. They will try very hard to probe you for information. Don't answer his questions, just say "I know more than you can imagine, and you're going to tell me everything if you want to stay married." Unless he comes clean and honestly makes immediate amends (very unlikely), expect contact from him to the OW shortly after confrontation. Be prepared. Thirdly, BE STRONG! You have to let him know that you really mean business, that you will not tolerate his actions, and that the marriage is hanging by a thread. Don't be afraid to let him know that you are ready to end the marriage if necessary. Don't be afraid to boot him out of the bed or house. Have a plan for what you expect of him, once he knows that you know. Honesty, transparency, remorse (not just regret that he's been caught), and no contact with OW. Oh, and don't forget STD testing. Set boundaries and let him know what the deal-breakers are. Make him open his phone and anything else that has a password. In the early period, you HAVE to keep him off balance on his heels. Don't give him time to make excuses or cover up. The sooner you can get them to admit everything and apologize (especially if you have overwhelming evidence), the quicker the "fog" abates and you can move forward with R. Lastly, when others mention the "roller coaster", expect it to be more than you imagined. One day you'll be up and things seem to be getting better, and the next day everything goes to pot. Take good care of yourself. You can't get through this with a purpose if you're running on empty. Stay hydrated, get sleep when you can (expect nights without it), meditate or do whatever makes you feel better. I've found that keeping a daily journal of events has helped me greatly. You are in an advantageous position since you, like me, have come to SI prior to confrontation. The advice here is tremendous, and helped me in so many ways throughout my experience in dealing with infidelity. Keep posting and heed the good advice here. I wish you the very best. ~
Don't feel that you have to answer his every comment.
I know you've been cheating on me. Please open your email right now.
What are you talking about?
I know you've been cheating on me. Please open your email right now.
Who told you? How do you know?
I know you've been cheating on me. Please open your email right now.
Well you don't keep the house clean enough!
I know you've been cheating on me. Please open your email right now.
OK, OK! HERE.
(or) No way!
Then I am filing for divorce.~
Upon confronting never reveal your sources...EVER, those will be the same sources you will use to monitor in the future. I made that mistake. Just repeat vague responses like "I know". You’re in for a wild ride. You want to approach this from the perspective of allowing him to tell you the truth. And by that I mean, when he lies to you, just tell him he's lying, don't tell him the proof you have. Because if he doesnt know what you know, only that you know a hell of a lot, he'll less likely to continue lying. Oh sure, he'll minimize, and try to lie again, but when you stop him and let him know he's lying and it's really hurting his credibility, he'll be more focused on what more you know. His every answer is now a potential landmine if he lies. Just keep insisting on him telling you the truth. When he starts telling the truth, move on to the next point of conversation. I hate to say it, but they act like a child when caught. First they deny, then they lie to cover it up in an attempt to minimize, then when things go bad, some start attacking back "you're an awful wife, you don't love me" anything to divert the conversation away from them. They will attack you personally, and would love to attack your information, they'll be mad and feel you violated their privacy...again, this is trying to deflect the argument to something else. Just say, "fine, I'm an awful wife, and we can come back to that discussion later after we are finished with this one" (I had to pull that one out a few times with WW). I think the gist is, come at it from an interrogator's perspective, don't get emotional, don't bite on diversionary ploys, don't reveal your sources, let them speak. Take notes so you can revisit what he says, dates etc. You're head will be swimming from the adrenaline because it is very stressful. Anxiety will be almost insurmountable, you'll shake and tremble, but you have to fight this and stay calm. You are the one in control of this conversation, so don't let him take that. Keep to the facts at first, don't ask "what were you thinking?" yet, because you won't get the answer you're looking for. don't ask things that are not facts. He's going to resist, deflect everything in the book. But if you keep it business like and not emotional, he may be more likely to come out with stuff vs a hysterical confrontation wher it's no longer about fact, but about you being hysterical. don't make the focus about you, make the focus about him and tellig the truth. The more you get early on, the less TT comes later. He will suspect you have the house bugged, phones tapped and have access to his e-mail. After confrontation, he will sanitize his A life. Emails, password chages, delete accounts, phone records. He's not going to take the chance on you stumbling across more info you don't know yet, and he's generally covering his butt. I know the urge to show him the most damning piece of evidence so that you can see his face is huge, but you must resist (personally, if it doesnt compromise your source, no harm, but protect your source). All he needs to know is that you know, have proof. He will desperately want to know the source so he can be sure to sanitize it, and also he's piecing together how he got caught.
1)- Get the fact
2)- Get usernames and passwords
3)- Get an NC sent
4)- Establish "The rules" and be ready to 180 hard. ~ Play your "I want to R" card close to your chest. You give up all leverage if he feels you are weak and will stay with him no matter what. He has to know that you're ready to walk, even if you're bluffing right now. Right now he has power: He knows exactly what he has been up to, and you do not. Every bit of information you get tips the power balance a bit in your favor, but you will get no information unless you are tough as nails. That said, you also have to make him feel safe enough to talk. It's a good cop/bad cop routine with you in both roles. "I know what you've been up to so you have nothing to lose by telling me the truth. If you want to save this M, you will tell me the truth now." Throw in a couple of "Confession is good for the soul," and "The truth shall set you free"s for the good cop part. But the bad cop has to be involved, ready to rough him up with the prospect of losing everything. ~ Do not threaten any consequences that you are not ready to follow through on. You can say something like "I want to save this marriage and I will tell you that I will make every effort to reconcile, but if you lie to me or XXXX, I will have to rethink my course of action and I won't be able to promise you anything." ~ Remember you want answers so let him do the talking once you tell him you know about the A. So often we undermine ourselves because we can't keep quiet and listen to what they have to say. He could deflect, start placing blame etc. Don't accept these antics. Stay focused on it being their issue and not a rehash of your marriage. Don't let him put you on the defensive. This is about him, the A and what he intends to do about it. ~ The one regret I have is not taking a firmer stand and not showing how strong I am. I was afraid he would leave me for OW and he knew it, which allowed him to waffle around and stay in contact with OW behind my back. I gave him an ultimatum and then I caved. I wish I would have faked it till I made it. So, my advice would be to stand strong, don't waver, don't fear that he'll leave for this stupid little slapper (did I get the term right?). Even if he does leave initially, I believe he'll come running back once he comes to his senses. But I think showing him how strong you are is the best way to go. ~I think you should be aware that for the first bit, while they are in the fog, they go a little crazy. I wish when I had confronted my WS I had knew that was coming and I had a time limit in my head on how long I was going to put up with such behaviour. I was really hurt when his first response was to deny the whole thing and then take her underground and just be more careful about hiding it. He maintains to this day that he never slept with her and I believe it but I really expected him to go, "Oh I am so sorry. What have a I done. Let's get rid of this trashy little whore right away. I love you." The fact that he did not choose me immediately hurt the most. After about a month of him texting her secretly, "Oh it's all work related." Yeah sure. I wish I had a time limit in my head and would have shared that with him. Not that I would have said you have 6 weeks to finish up this affair and whatever, but I would have said, you've got 6 weeks. You have immediate NC and you've got 6 weeks to implement things on my list or I will file. I didn't realize until I was in the middle of it that I have a low tolerance for being a second class citizen in my own marriage. I just wish I had the thought in my head that I was only going to let him rug sweep, deny and refuse to participate in reconciliation for so long. It would have made my divorce file a lot easier to compile. I also wouldn't have felt so guilty about having such a file. Give him deadlines! The worst thing about having all the time in the world to do something is that you have all the time in the world to do it. I am not sure if it is possible to do this without crying, don't beat yourself up if you do. ~ I wouldn't even tell him you know about the affair. Just tell him, "I know." My WS didn't just have one episode. There were lots. He definitely listened to see what I seemed to know, so he'd know what to confess to at that instant. The trickle truth went on for seven or eight months, with many confessions being based on my research. I'm sure I still don't know all. And when I first decided to snoop, I thought he was just having an affair with one person. Now I know of 15 prostitutes. The emotional affair person wasn't puttin' out, I guess! When I confronted, I said, "I know". He wanted to know what and I replied, "If I tell you, that's all you'll confess to and I won't know that I have the whole truth". I stayed strong with that, but still didn't get the whole picture in one sitting. ~ Have you ever heard the saying...something along these lines: When events happen - people immediately think to themselves "how does this affect ME" Until YOUR actions AFFECT HIM - there won't be any changes. I'll try to give you a few examples. My DD was 1 year ago. As recently as 1 month ago - my H called the OW. Along the way there have been several broken NC's, lies, TT. But I finally figured it out - my husband wasn't suffering any consequences. Other than his having to listen to me cry, plead, etc. - that was about it. He would apologize, make promises, and we'd go back to life as usual. With this last broken NC - I had finally reached my limit. I changed. And things changed for him. He does not sleep in our bedroom and we don't have sex. He has a list of conditions for R - which HE has to prove to me that he is doing. This is really the first time he's suffered anything - that AFFECTED HIM. Don't make it easy on him - that was my mistake - I thought he got it - and the operative word here is *I* - when it should have been *HIM* proving something to me. Forget the fog - he doesn't have that luxury anymore. He can decide immediately. Stay strong - you can do it - because you're worth it. Don't doubt yourself.
