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Great post! I need to find time to read that all thoroughly.

Mine doesn't seem to fit any of these. I've noticed many A's happen when there's a life stress (not necessarily related to the marriage) that the WS can't or doesn't want to deal with -- an illness, a birth, a death, financial problems...An OP comes along and makes them forget their problems and feel happy. So off they go.

yeah my WW fits almost every key point in #4. Thanks for posting this.

Just posted an update to #4 (3 to go, anyone else want to summarize and send me a PM so I can post it)

For those who don't see a fit on any pattern, behavior patterns and character traits may not be obvious at first, but noticable once you know the progression and key points of the A. It is also possible that you are dealing with an undocumented type, or complicated blend.

I almost said new type, but we all know that is not possible.

Added update to number 6.

Skipped #5 for now as that is a complicated one. It is really a 5a) 5b) kind of thing.

#7 also seems like a tough one to summarize. I will get around to these, but it may take a few days.

Just finished the summary for #7. Still have to work on one for #5.

Actually 2 of them for 5, as first there is the specific revenge type, and then the generic rage type.

I hope this is helping anyone.

aesir

Thank you so much for taking the time to post this. #4 pretty much sums up the last few years of my life.

#4 is my H, with a little of the others mixed in too.

Well, I have finally finished the updates. #5 was not as difficult as I thought, but it is not as comprehensively covered in the book either. The key points and what to expect are pretty much the same for both, even though the motivation, chances for R, and methods to deal with it are vastly different.

Good luck to all who read this, whatever type you may be facing.

I don't see myself or my A fitting into any of these archetypes.

Not even in the least.

My whole life was spent trying to run from pain instead of dealing with it. The A was just yet another manifestation of that.

I updated it with a link to a post by SerJR in JFO. This thread has some really good questions a BS should be asking themselves before they proceed, how to determine if they really want to save the marriage, or are looking to save something else instead.

bumping by request (sort of).

[This message edited by aesir at 5:36 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]

Very enlightening info, thanks aesir!!!!

I saw bits of my H in all of the archetypes, though he fit some really close. All in all, good info on what to expect, etc.

Thank you for taking the time to post this. I think mine is a #2, Can't Say No. Does the book say what specific type of "outside help" is needed?

Number 2 pretty much sums it up for my spouse....does this mean he is SA?

Many elements of 7:

WS will appear secretive, may go somewhere without telling BS, may hide personal things like mail, schedules, briefcase, etc. This hiding may have nothing to do with OP or the A at all, but you can not know. WS will not volunteer any information to help BS heal, and a nagging suspicion will follow BS.

reading that depresses me beyond belief...

Sex takes on an inflated role or value. Acting on sexual impulse is frequent. Thinking about sex occupies an inordinate amount of time.

WS is bound by fear. Fear of getting caught, fear of consequences, fear of being “found out”, fear of being punished, fear of losing spouse, job, family, respect.

Cycle of promise and failure. With each failure the guilt/fear/shame leads to a new promise to either self or others of “I won’t do it again”. The promise is kept for a while, but eventually the urge is acted on again, leading to a new cycle.

No true intimacy develops, others are seen as objects for personal gratification.

Sexuality is often confused with other needs or connected to past pain or trauma.

Lives in a distorted world. See’s the world through the eyes of their addiction.

Has a great capacity to rationalize their behavior, deceive others, and may lead a dual life

and # 2. Aided and abetted by an idiot therapist who when told by me that WH had pron and viagra at work, goes into a 15 minute "consoling" of WH explaining that "many men wear ties," etc all as a way to justify that masturbation is FINE. HELLO! it's not about masturbation, you moron, it's about a person highly placed in an org willing to risk EVERYTHING to have porn and sex AT WORK.

WH manipulates this therapist so much that the two times I have been there with him I want to throw up...

I hate my life.

My FWH A is both 4 and 5...almost to a tee.

This was a really insightful post.

OMG. I sent this to my H. He is so #4. I hope he reads it and get that he is not "in love" with her but is more "in love" with the ego stoking she provided. Two very different things.