SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Most interesting post!!

My fwh was a #2; but the XOW was a #3 (your basic narcissist)!!!

Just checking my PM's, and I had a request for this book title, thought I would bump the thread.

MY WH doesn't fit any of them

Is there any more information about #4?

Very informative post! Thank you. Any knowledge is good knowledge!

Wow, re-reading this after I read it back in July, I have a slightly different perspective now.

Each of these "archetypes" is just another different way that a WS uses to justify their A. All of them are bullshit.

There's one archetype for A's: "I feel a need for attention/validation that no amount of actual attention/validation can actually fill."

They get attention from their spouse, but it isn't enough. They feel guilty over feeling like they need more - and then their defense mechanism kicks in, and blames the inadequacy of the spouse. (or the marital situation, or whatever other handy excuse arises). Then they look for extra attention and ego stroking and validation - in the form of an A. Again, more guilty feelings = more denial and blameshifting.

The way to deal with it is always the same: A rolled-up newspaper across the nose. For stubborn WS's, use the Sunday paper.

(just kidding about the rolled up newspaper).

The rest of us? When we need attention and validation? Our coping mechanisms for the guilty feelings tell us to grow the fuck up, instead of, "screw around and blame other people".

I don't see how it has to be any more complicated than that.

My FWH A would have to be a #5, In fact, he's a text book #5. All the peices fell into place. I do wish there was a way to find out more about it though.

This is a wonderful post. Bump.

OMG.

Ding ding ding! We have a winner with #7.

Although I see a lot of 2 and 3 as well.

WOW. Rather mindblowing.

Very interesting... I know which type I am...

Toonice, although I disagree with your conclusions, your analysis of the content is closest to how I view all of this.

Each of these "archetypes" is just another different way that a WS uses to justify their A. All of them are bullshit.

I think that is entirely the point of this book, it is about understanding the WS and the claims they make.

There's one archetype for A's: "I feel a need for attention/validation that no amount of actual attention/validation can actually fill."

I would agree with this also, although it will manifest itself under different circumstances depending on what the deficiency is.

They get attention from their spouse, but it isn't enough. They feel guilty over feeling like they need more - and then their defense mechanism kicks in, and blames the inadequacy of the spouse. (or the marital situation, or whatever other handy excuse arises). Then they look for extra attention and ego stroking and validation - in the form of an A. Again, more guilty feelings = more denial and blameshifting.

Sometimes the deficiency leads to the A first, then they blame circumstances and others to justify that, it is a natural result of something called cognitive dissonance, something I have discussed endlessly here in the past, and my own personal favorite definition whenever somebody asks what is meant by "the fog". These archetypes are all about the WS, and identifying which particular deficiency caused the A, and what direction the cognitive dissonance has gone. Cognitive dissonance will continue as long as the A continues (much like drug addiction will continue while one uses drugs) and depending on which direction the cognitive dissonance has gone, it may be harder or easier to end the A.

The way to deal with it is always the same: A rolled-up newspaper across the nose. For stubborn WS's, use the Sunday paper.

Our Sunday paper is actually rather sparse, containing only the real estate section and some entertainment and "human interest" fluff pieces.

Even if a rolled up newspaper stopped the A, without fixing the deficiency it will come up again.

Sometimes the answer is therapy. (Be carefull here, we had a disasterous therapist, and even though the supervisor apologized profusely when we advised her of the bias, incompetance, pushing her own agenda, and ethical violations, I will likely never see a therapist again)

Sometimes the answer is to run.

Sometimes the most satisfying solution is illegal.

In the end it is all the WS responsibility for the A, but no recovery other than D is possible until they take responsibility for that and end the A. This is I believe a good guide to determining how to achieve that, and if it is worth the effort, based upon the information available to most BS's. At least in my case the descriptions and predictions have been accurate. I suspect that it is also possible for an A to change archetypes over time once it is brought to light, or as circumstances of the A change.

YMMV

[This message edited by aesir at 8:26 PM, February 10th (Tuesday)]

Interesting discussion aesir. Thanks.

My X is a #2.

Mostly 1 little bits of the rest.

I'd say #2,3 and 7 for my ex. I am sure it is just a matter of time before he heads off down that road again with his wifetress.

I have always found that bit about lying to maintain distance in the marriage to avoid intimacy very strange. My ex is now doing it toe new wife. Mindblowingly stupid thing to do.

FWW fits Type #6 very well, down to the point of MC and IM saying they doubted infidelity would ever again happen.

Very interesting.

Her As were WAYYY out of character for her. People close to us thought I was *joking* when I first told them what happened.

Hmmm

WOW! Mine was a #7--and almost everything is right on the money, except for the

tends to ONE affair.

My XH did have one "main"

one, which was off/on for several years...but also had several ONS.

I wish one of the major magazines had the ***** to publish something like this!

It's a real eye-opener.

bump

This post should be in the healing library. Anyone know how we can get it there?

Bump