this is an amazing post by canigetoverthis ... from the D/S forum ... amazing strength from this woman ...
I've been divorced for a little over a year, after a long separation following my XH's last affair. (His 8th). I remember so well all the times I was a puddle on the floor, unable to move from the fetal position, scared out of my mind, a SAHM to 4 kids who hadn't been in the workforce in a very long time. Hindsight being what it is, healing and moving forward giving me clarity, and realizing I survived what I thought I never could, I have some insight I'd like to share. I hope it helps any of you that are where I was.
Over the 23 years he cheated, lied, gaslighted, got violent when confronted with his F*ups, etc., the main question I asked myself was 'WHY?' As I have lurked here for well over a year, (might even be 2, I can't remember - I was too embarrassed to post), I have read over and over the question of why. It seems that final closure can't come until we understand the why of it.
What I finally realized was there could be a myriad of 'reasons' that the WS may give, none of which have a whit to do with the BS, the state of the marriage, the economy, or the price of wheat in China. When you boil it down, the answer to the question of why is BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO. Think about that. They wouldn't have done it if they hadn't have wanted to. All that is involved in carrying on an affair, conscious choices, conscious lies, consciously betraying their spouses and loved ones ALL boils down to BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO. Once I realized that and let it really sink in, I didn't need any other answers. Any other answers are smoke and mirrors, excuses, etc. They WANTED to do it, they believed they were so special that they wouldn't get caught, and rationalized to themselves all the 'reasons why' they should be able to do what THEY WANTED TO DO.
I also learned how to be an excellent investigator. I caught my XWS in his last affair by hacking into his OW's own cell phone account, because he was calling her from payphones as he drove cross country for his trucking job. I was able to match the calls she received from truck stop payphones to when he was in that particular town. I spent hours and loads of energy investigating because I felt I just HAD to have undeniable proof in order to leave. The truth was, I didn't need that at all. All I needed to know was right in front of my face. He wasn't treating me with respect, dignity, or even an ounce of compassion. I was worth so much more than his treatment of me. The investigating drove me crazy - those heart racing, can't see, can't breathe moments when you discover something else. He was still going to do what he wanted to do regardless of what I found out or not. He would either want to be a good husband and human being and reconcile our marriage and family or he wouldn't. I didn't need the undeniable proof of his cheating to know that he was a piss poor husband and it didn't matter who he 'used' to be, it was who he was choosing to be NOW that mattered to my life right then. Once I put more energy into owning and celebrating my own worth, instead of fighting for somebody who didn't deserve it, who didn't deserve me, only then was I able to realize that I didn't need to prove anything other than what he had already willingly shown me.
So, I was married to an ass who cheated because he WANTED to, who lied because he WANTED to, who did all the rat bastard things he did all because he wanted to, and I realized that he didn't deserve me. He didn't get to have me. He didn't get to suck up anymore of my precious energy. I stepped off the crazy train and said no more.
Now, I'd decided that I deserved so much better than he could give me with who he was choosing to be, but had no idea what to do regarding supporting my kids. It took me 18 months to get my ducks in a row, while he knew nothing of it. Whenever I did grocery shopping, I bought 2 of many of the items, and took $20 cash back off my debit card. I joined sites like pinching your pennies and used coupons and pocketed the savings. Anything extra, birthday gift money, etc., I pocketed. I paid utilities ahead, starting with $10 a month and moving up from there as I could. Since the man didn't open a bill, it was easy. I went back to school to do something that I love, under the guise that 'he worked too hard and I wanted to bring in some money so HE could enjoy himself. Luckily, the man isn't Einstein. I got into IC, under the guise of learning how to make things 'easier' for him, when in reality it was to heal, and learn the strength to take up for myself and my children. Of course, he paid for that. Two months after I graduated from my school program, I had him served when he wasn't expecting it.
I'm not saying this to toot my own horn, but rather to point out that when we empower ourselves, no matter our situation, we find our way out. It might take baby steps, but step by step you will get there. You become a good little actress, and do what you need to do for YOU. Did I feel guilty for the subterfuge? At times yes, but then I reminded myself that I was doing what I had to do to protect myself and my children and I kept moving forward.
You are worth so much, and your worth is NOT determined by what your WS, their family, or 'friends' that run from you think or say. It's inside of you and even if you can't find it, it hasn't left you. When you let that knowledge flood over you, you will find an inner strength that will amaze you. You become a warrior, but instead of fighting the losing battle of having a very damaged, broken, and selfish person validate you, you warrior through to validate yourself, to be there for yourself and your children. Unlike the anger that comes and goes and gives strength when it comes, this inner knowledge is different. It is steady because you KNOW you have value, you KNOW you didn't deserve what happened, but in spite of what has happened, you can always count on YOU. You have to be your own hero. Your WS isn't going to be or they would have by now. Trust yourself. Your self-esteem may be shaken or shattered, but YOU are still in there, waiting for you.
I can't think of a better person that deserves the beautiful YOU than YOU, can you?
I've lurked for so long that I feel as if I know each of you, even though you don't know me. I was just too embarrassed to post and to have to write it all down.. I mean.. 23 years of being cheated on with 8 affairs that I have proof of, who knows really how many there were. Thank you for the strength you gave me when you didn't even know I was here. I hope this post doesn't offend anybody. My intention is to give back what I received each time I needed help by you and received it.
Peace.
[This message edited by booger bear at 12:39 AM, October 22nd (Friday)]
