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No stop sign so i thought i would comment....Skurd for me if my WH did this and I found out it would be a DEALBREAKER. I have told him this, him doing that would signal to me that he wasn't over OW because why else would he look? I really hope that you let this be a one time thing and talk to your BH. Look to him for the comfort you are missing not someone who really doesn't care.

I understand everyone's concern, however, I have been out of this A for good now for 1.5 years.

Its only natural to be curious. I have an ex-bff. Its been 5 years since I last spoke to her, but everyone once in a while I'll check her FB. At first, I used to get a rush of emotions. I would get so mad. But now I do it to see how she's doing. I always hope I'm better off than her. But nowadays it doesn't really matter, its been 4 years. We are living different lives now. Point of the matter is, its only natural to be curious. I certainly wasn't having an A with my bff, but I am curious to see how the other person is doing with out me being in their life. I don't think theres anything wrong with that. Especially because I can honestly see that I'm over it now. Do you all understand what I'm saying?

Do you all understand what I'm saying?

I don't think YOU know what you're saying.

now I do it to see how she's doing

nowadays it doesn't really matter

You are now contradicting yourself in the same post. Do you even READ what's written here?

Honestly, Skurd -- I'm not bashing you, but if you're walking like a duck, hanging out in ponds, and quacking, how many people does it take to tell you that you're acting like a duck before you listen?

Skurd, you're lying to yourself and you know it.

You've been posting for the past two months about how you're thinking about him and are contemplating whether or not he's still single, given that you're having trouble with your BH.

You checked his Myspace to get information.

You can't fix that which you don't acknowledge.

Come on, it's us. You know we know better.

I actually didn't check it to get information! I didn't even read that part or look at pictures or look at his comments. All I did is check out the mutual friends we have. Simply because I ran into him recently due to a mutual friend. I wanted to make sure we don't have any other. Secondly, I wanted to see who had more friends. The person with more friends is considered "cooler" in society since they know more people.

Secondly, I wanted to see who had more friends. The person with more friends is considered "cooler" in society since they know more people

Are you kidding?

How old are you anyway- 15?

Seriously - this reads like a bad teen romance. You haven't been out of the A for 1.5 years, you're still fully in it in your head. Please listen to yourself- this isn't high school. Who gives a shit about being cooler?

Grown up life is about being REAL.

[This message edited by Fallen at 9:09 PM, November 16th (Monday)]

I actually didn't check it to get information! I didn't even read that part or look at pictures or look at his comments. All I did is check out the mutual friends we have.

So that's OK then. Then it'll be OK to check his photos next. Its only his photo's!

It's Not like you sent him a message or anything! That's not breaking NC.

OK, So it'd be OK for you to only comment on ONE of his photo's. Its not like he'd respond to it so you didn't really break NC.

WAKE UP!!

No stop sign so...

I was about to post a reply but fallen beat me to it close to word by word.

skurd, please take a step back and digest what was offered to you.

Peace to all who seek it.

W

It appears you may be on your way down that slippery slope again. Maybe now would be a good time to stop and re-read what you posted and think about the actions you are taking.

I have been out of this A for good now for 1.5 years.

Please clarify "out of this A"... because to read your recent posts you are firmly still involved in it. Being out of the affair isn't just the absence of physical contact. It's letting go of the fantasy. It's reaching indifference.. it's moving on and not dwelling, it's realizing what the affair really was.

And reading through your history lately I see none of those things. The last month of your posts are about seeing him, how you wished he would contact you and now actively seeking him out and making justifications about that.

I am truly worried for you.

It's not natural to be curious when you have made the worst mistake of your life. It's natural to want to get as far away from it as possible.

[This message edited by metamorphisis at 10:16 PM, November 16th (Monday)]

Skurd,

I can just feel you struggling here--I went thru the same struggle & wished someone would stop me, would intervene, would set firm limits.

No one did, really, and I had to do it myself.

I only stopped when my behavior hurt ME more than it felt good to ME. Not anyone else, ME.

What do you want people to tell you when you post something like this? What do you expect they'll say? What made you post about this at all?

I'm in the NC (even mental NC) crowd firmly now, after a long period of trying to justify everything under the sun to make continuing contact okay. Nobody could have sold me on NC initially, not even the threat of D. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it--and to hell with whatever got in my way.

You may need to continue contact, even mental contact, for now. I think you are getting something you desperately need from this and stopping would be impossible right now. Obviously the good outweighs the bad.

I wish you well. As they say in AA, "Drink until you're convinced."

Kwills

Skurd;

FYI - check out the post at http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=326161&HL=25460 and see if you can see the similarities.

As a WS who hung on to his x-gf in his heart for 30+ years, I know the road that you are on because I was there myself. Yes, I know how you can justify your actions since this is not a direct in your face contact but IMHO, being in your heart is worse than being in your life.

Be truthful to yourself. You know that she is in your heart.

Face the truth. You know that you have not created indifference.

Face the future. Breaking NC will cause nothing but more heartache as your SO finds out.

Face yourself with Honesty. Don't lie to yourself and your SO.

Decide. Choose. Commit. Period. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Secondly, I wanted to see who had more friends. The person with more friends is considered "cooler" in society since they know more people.

Really??????????????? And...

But now I do it to see how she's doing. I always hope I'm better off than her.

Skurd, I think you need to think about the ways in which you measure your self worth.

I know you are up for a challenge, I think you want to do something you have never done before, divorce, I think you deserve it by your actions. I would be sending you postcards from Nice.

It's not natural to be curious when you have made the worst mistake of your life.

Word.

WAKE UP!!

Word.

Skurd,

I actually didn't check it to get information! I didn't even read that part or look at pictures or look at his comments. All I did is check out the mutual friends we have. Simply because I ran into him recently due to a mutual friend. I wanted to make sure we don't have any other. Secondly, I wanted to see who had more friends. The person with more friends is considered "cooler" in society since they know more people.

Honestly, why does any of this REALLY even matter to you? This is what people are trying to get you to see.

It doesn't matter that you didn't read his comments, it doesn't matter if you were even going to check out how many friends you have....the issue is THAT YOU WENT AND BROKE NC...period, end of story. If you were truly over this guy, truly over the A, truly in R with your spouse...none of this would matter. It wouldn't matter if you had more friends, it wouldn't matter if you had mutual friends...none of it would matter, seriously. He'd be in your past and you wouldn't feel the curiosity to take a look at his page a YEAR AND A HALF LATER.

I'm a BS as well...and speaking from this side of the fence, what you did would be a deal breaker for me as well. Just the simple act of doing something (that you seem to have convinced yourself of as "innocent and mere curiosity") puts a BS back at square one when it comes to trusting the WS. Really, it's that simple. YOU just placed yourself right back to the "I can't trust her" spot.

Am I bashing you? Nope, just trying to get you to see the reality that everyone else is pointing out to you as well. There is a reason NC is called NC...it means NO CONTACT, none, nada, zip, zero, zilch...not even out of "curosity".

Let me put it another way...will you tell your spouse you went to his page? If not why? If you cannot tell him you went there...without his being upset about it, without you fearing what his reaction will be...you KNOW what you did was wrong. It really is that cut and dry.

Do you want your relationship to survive....or do you really care that much that you are "cooler" socially than your XAP???

[This message edited by greeneyedlass at 8:15 AM, November 17th (Tuesday)]

will you tell your spouse you went to his page? If not why? If you cannot tell him you went there...without his being upset about it, without you fearing what his reaction will be...you KNOW what you did was wrong. It really is that cut and dry.

This is exactly Correct!

I think the big and only question here that matters is...

How would your husband feel about what you did?

And knowing the answer to that, feeling "cooler" was worth that?

Really?

If its still all about you, then you haven't really healed or learned anything.