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Newest Member: davids3511

Just Found Out :
Honey, they always affair down

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used up ( member #26119) posted at 1:00 PM on Saturday, June 19th, 2010

Thanks Edie. It's been a tough night. WH called me at 3 am my time (4am for him) to tell me that he was thinking about me and wanted me to know he loved me. That was good. And your responding is very good. Thank you.

BS -me -57 WH 62
Married 23 years
son-21-heart of Switzerland
daughter-18-fierce warrior

MOW - mother of Daughter's best friend. 15 years younger than WH
Discovery Day - July 1, 2009

posts: 470   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2009   ·   location: Nevada
id 4648370
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 5:00 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

Used Up, so glad your husband 'woke' you up for that reason.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6398   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 4654597
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justbreathe ( member #13765) posted at 7:38 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2010

In times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.
George Orwell

posts: 432   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2007   ·   location: Swimming towards inner peace
id 4660323
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reallyreallysad ( new member #28803) posted at 10:53 PM on Saturday, June 26th, 2010

needed this now - thank you

posts: 7   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2010   ·   location: virginia
id 4660574
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jrsdad ( new member #28872) posted at 5:03 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2010

Then: OM is 9 years younger than me and skinnier. I was told by his GF that I was more attractive. OM drank quite a bit. I threatened to beat him down once. He was being verbally abusive to girlfriend. My XW knew that he was abusive. She and girlfriend were friends. We both owned farms, I lost mine. OM and I were friends and he kept all of our associated friends. Tells you what a great group I was running with.

Now: I dropped 50lbs in the first year after DD. I have maintained the weight loss for two yaers. I have younger women asking me out and hitting on me. I have more "real" friends than I have ever had. I have an open calender and get to do a lot of fun things. My daughter lives with me. I don't miss my farm and enjoy my life. OM gained at least 30lbs. His farm lost 100K last year. He got WW knocked up and had shot gun wedding. They can't afford a decent car. XW used to drive new Ram PU(mine). Now a 92 sentra that smells like crap. His drinking has gotten worse. His extended family has fallen away from one another. Best part; he is married to another man's wife (mine). She is miserable and in the back of his mind he knows he can't trust her. They have built a castle in the sand and the tide is rising.

Me-BH 38 Her-XW 34
Married 7 years/Together 12
D-Day:6-4-2008 Divorced-11-14-2008
"Refrain your voice from weeping, And your eyes from tears; For your work shall be rewarded, says the Lord, And they shall return from the land of the enemy."

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2010   ·   location: Washington
id 4661118
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torn2bits ( member #28376) posted at 1:24 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

bump...this is a GOOD one! Enjoy!!!

Me: 45/WH (SA): 49
M: 26 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce halted

posts: 1281   ·   registered: Apr. 26th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 4677567
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sunflowergirl30 ( member #28979) posted at 5:03 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2010

I am a total mess. Found out my husband had been having an affair for 6months. The woman was our realtor! We spent months w/her! My husband used 2 say negative things about her appearance. It bothered me that he noticed n the 1st place. Well I guess he was full of crap and found her flat butt very appealing. She is 45. He is 32. I am 33. I am so jealous of this whore even though I know I'm a better person than her and a 100x's more attractive. What makes me jealous is that she had my husband a screwed him for 3mo. And that my husband wanted her! I hate it! He says she wasn't better than me in anyway that he didn't love her. That he was just hiding from all our problems! We have been married for 13yrs! 2gether for 16yrs.! I have only been w/him! All during his affair he kept telling me he loved me and I was the only one! Bull shit! I feel so betrayed!his whore wasn't younger than me or more attractive! She was a whore and would do things I wouldn't and her old skanky a%# stroked his ego! It kills me becz she new me my children! My H says she was jealous of me! I would have been more than jealous if I had known he was screwing the whore!I confronted her. Sttod face to face. Looking her up and down. I know she enjoyed the fact that he had chosen her over me even for a moment! Even though he used her like a toilet. A quickie n a parking lot and came home to me. He never took her to a movie or dinner just screwed her in his car or hers. Its killing me though! His guilt got to him! His conscience he ended it w/her! Reminded her in her jealous anger that she was still screwing her husband too! He told her he couldn't keep doing it that it was over. For a month she tried 2 get him! That's how I found out! Saw a text on cell saying I knew u were never going 2 leave(my name)! When I confronted her she told me she has been in marriage counceling her husband had cheated on her! Like it was supposed 2 make me feel better! She turned around and did it to me! Tried to still my husband! He gave him self to her! In the end she was old and used up and had nothing he wanted or that was worth leaving me for! I have known for 6weeks and everday feels worse! Seeing pix on his cell of him and her kissing repays in my mind daily! Its killing my self esteem that he would do it and do it w/ a woman older and less attractive!

First D-day May 2010, Last D-day Sept 2015. Filed for divorce Nov. 2015
Divorce final March 4, 2016

To many false R’s to mention. One to many affairs to list. Cheaters suck, suck the life right out of you, as they smile in your face..




posts: 1182   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 4685471
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foreverchangedwi ( member #15368) posted at 5:57 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2010

bump

BW-me
FWH-him
D-Day-1/24/06


The measure of a person is not based upon the words that they speak, but upon the choices that they make- {Borrowed from lieshurt}

posts: 1557   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2007   ·   location: Florida
id 4685541
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kdny ( member #760) posted at 6:28 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2010

sunflowergirl30,

Welcome. If you start your own thread in JFO you will get the support you need.

Just go down to the bottom of the page and click "post new topic"

Whether we remain ash or become phoenix is up to us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes the fine line between a nervous breakdown and knowing things will be okay is a pair of furry pants~unfound

posts: 81335   ·   registered: Dec. 4th, 2002   ·   location: Slightly left of center, standing on my head
id 4685572
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mellowmood ( member #2097) posted at 6:51 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2010

Yes, sunflower girl, post a thread so you can get more help. Sundays are slow.

It does sound like your husband really affaired down, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Sounds like he is willing to do things to help you recover. That is good. But it will still take a long time to get over his betrayal.

Does he give you are reason he thought it was okay to betray his vows and take a chance on losing his family?

posts: 2755   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2003   ·   location: oceanside, calif.
id 4685586
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hope2laughagain ( member #18364) posted at 10:05 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2010

I am not sure how I feel about this thread. Yes, anyone who cheats is broken in some way and not a good candidate, single or married, but I don't know if would say affair down in other aspects. My FIL divorced my MIL 30 some years ago. He married his OW. He just died a few days ago and the testimonials were all about how much he and OW meant to each other all these years and how happy they were together. My MIL on the other hand, remarried 3 times, is grouchy and self centered and a hard person to be around. Of course, he should have left the marriage, then pursued her, absolutely, but did he affair down? That is the question, I guess. I had a friend years ago who left her H for the OM. She was not happy and her husband, while an attractive man, was not a great person. He was controlling and mean to her. She has been living happily married to him for 25 years.

I haven't read all the posts and the different perceptives on this on this posts, so forgive me if I say I am not sure I agree wholeheartedly with this concept. Affairing down maybe in respect to actions that there is not excuse for in breaking vows, devastating others lives, etc. but physical appearance and other qualities? Not sure I can say that.

"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

ME(BS)- H(WS)
Married:8 years
EA:May 07-PA:July 07 (w/co-worker)
Recovered

posts: 667   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2008   ·   location: California
id 4685762
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TXMommy ( member #28857) posted at 1:15 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2010

I needed to hear this. Boy did I ever. I'm not sure I'll hear this from my husband, I wonder if that's how he thinks. I've flat out said, I am a better person than her, and he agreed, but I wonder if he truly thinks that. I'm afraid to ask.

But, *I* know that I am a better person. I KNOW it. She's nothing... never will be.

ME - BS - 38
WH - 34
15 years...
2 kids: D13, S7
D-Day: June 10th, 2010

posts: 597   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2010   ·   location: TX
id 4685976
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always-hope ( member #27814) posted at 8:59 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2010

(((DBB))) many thanks.

My PA DDay was just yesterday. This describes Skankopotamus to a T. Going to send it or read it to WH. He has already told me some of those things.

BW me- 51
WH 50
3 DS
M 27 yrs
STD/PA? in 91 Many EA's, LT(10 yr)EA/PA
DDays: many -started 2005
TT never stopped, don't think I will ever have the full truth
SOW- WH's former HS 'friend/whore'
Limbo

posts: 307   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2010   ·   location: The Heartland
id 4687380
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notasaint ( member #28465) posted at 9:09 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2010

One of the reasons that up until this point I have not wanted to see what OW looks like. I at least know I sound much better on the phone than she does. LOL.

I'm 100% positive he did affair down but that's my situation only. I would tend to agree that not all do.

Me - BW 36
Him - FWH 38 SLA (newlywednupset)
M < 1 year
D-days 8/2009 and 4/2010 TT to 10/2010
3 OW over the course of 2 years, all older, one married.
* My husband was in an open relationship from day one, he just failed to tell ME this.*

posts: 1048   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2010   ·   location: FL
id 4687397
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timeforchange ( member #27454) posted at 12:59 PM on Wednesday, July 14th, 2010

I live in a large house in a nice neighbourhood - she lives in a one room appartment with STBXWH - they have to sleep on the couch.

I went to college - she dropped out of High School.

I work for Government - she works evenings cooking fries in a roadside "Shack"

She can barely speak any language that STBXWH speaks...maybe when that improves and she can make out what he is saying she will understand what a load of junk he talks...

Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”

posts: 726   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2010   ·   location: Expats in Europe
id 4690242
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invictus ( member #21623) posted at 1:54 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2010

It's been awhile since I read this thread and I go back every so often for a pick me up... mainly when I start doubting my value as a person.

It's true, maybe ones own WS doesn't always affair down... but SOMEBODY usually does. The him or the her in the relationship is willing to trash another person's life for their own "benefit"...

While we each truly do have to seek a life we can be happy in, when a person can knowingly, willingly, deliberately hurt someone they once "loved"... and have an affair; continue an affair; choose an affair...

They are affairing THEMSELVES DOWN.

There are exceptions, of course. Some affair couples may build an admirable life together, but I would tend to think they were wronged long before they were attracted to anyone else.

In the end, the true nature of each individual will come out, for better or for worse.

♥ BW m. 31 years - Divorced in 2009. It's still a month to month financial struggle, with higher income taxes as a single and no retirement parachute since I was a stay at home mom.

posts: 1887   ·   registered: Nov. 13th, 2008   ·   location: Texas
id 4692281
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sunflowergirl30 ( member #28979) posted at 4:50 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2010

my h said it was the fact that she was available. that she wanted him...that he felt like i didnt want him..i didnt want him when he was being a jerk! DUH! he was being selfish and self absorbed but she did want him and was willing to take that f'd up side of hime i would not.! i was available to him but i wouldnt accept his bull shit and she would! she would becuz they only lived in their fantasy world. she didnt really know him! u cant really know someone through texts or emails or hooking up for a quickie in a car. they spent hours talking and siting in cars talking but they lied to each-other about themselves about their lives about their true intentions!she is a whore who cheated on her h with my h! who thru tantrums becuz i would not disapear. becuz she new my H was full of crap but she thought if she kept screwing him he would stop caring for me and be with her!though i love my H he is a liar and a pig! she wanted my H was jealous of me.she couldnt have handled being in a real relationship with my H though! this woman who knew me and claimed she would never do anything with my husband. she is like 12 to 13 years older than my husband and myself! heavier than me her skin is aged from tanning. the only thing she has that i dont is large breast. she looks ever bit of her 45yrs.she is not ugly. but standing toe to toe face to face w/her i know i am more attractive. i have a better figure. my H ended w/her not bcuz of looks but becuz he didnt want to spend his life w/her wasnt in love w/her.couldnt see himself w/ someone who would lie and cheat. even though he knows he is a liar and a cheater.he tells me he is w/me not her and thats whats important but to me the fact that he could and was with her at all eats at me. once the damage is done....its like this open sore festering. no she wasnt better than me in anyway infact less than me becuz she has no self respect. when i told her she is a whore she looked me in the eye and said yes i am and i'm sorry. at that moment she was so pathetic to me. to think when i met her i had looked up to her. she wanted my H and envied me. sick! its sick! they are sick! i will never understand it.

First D-day May 2010, Last D-day Sept 2015. Filed for divorce Nov. 2015
Divorce final March 4, 2016

To many false R’s to mention. One to many affairs to list. Cheaters suck, suck the life right out of you, as they smile in your face..




posts: 1182   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Pacific Northwest
id 4692568
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Laura28 ( member #28997) posted at 5:42 AM on Friday, July 16th, 2010

Hi

I haven't read all of this topic so maybe someone has already said this but it's probly worth repeating. They ALWAYS affair down because the person our WSs are with is less than us. We are faithful and trying to make our marriages work. They are theives and totally lacking in morals. They have no integrity or dignity. It's not what they look like that counts but the types of people they are. Which is TRASH

Married 33yrs Me BW 59Yrs Him FWH 62yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

posts: 2772   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2010   ·   location: Australia
id 4693825
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ob-la-de ( member #23735) posted at 4:41 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2010

bump for newbies

Time will tell

posts: 958   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2009
id 4697374
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punky ( member #12233) posted at 5:23 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2010

I cannot believe I have been here at SI for so long and am just now seeing this thread. CRAZY.

I struggle because I do not know any of the OW. I don't know how I 'stack' up in the looks department or personality department or career success department. I can only imagine--and, of course, I am thinking Cindy Crawford-Meg Whitman hybrid here...but all the external really doesn't matter. If these women were low enough to do it with a married man, I AM BETTER. No matter how much I weigh or how many wrinkles I have.

13 years later...finally healed. Definitely survived and thrived and you can, too.

posts: 11326   ·   registered: Oct. 4th, 2006   ·   location: A whole 'nother country
id 4697456
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