SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OK, WTF is up w this phenomenon? OW is fuckugly! Now, I'm no beauty queen mind you, but OMG. WTF is he thinking?!

This is so true. I remember our MC saying OW "could have been anyone" it was just a hole.

I still remember the comment my WS said during one session. "OW was cute but I'm pretty"

Thank you. I needed to read this today.

This rings true again. My best friend's h has admitted he really didn't find the OW all that attractive (believe me, she's ugg-o inside and out). She was basically just a hole to fill

My friend is beautiful. She is a nurse and is very intelligent. She also has a very sweet personality

OW on the other hand is not pretty. She bounces from job to job and man to man trying to find SOMETHING that makes her happy. She didn't see a problem in being with a M man She was so delusional that she thought my friend's h was going to D said friend and marry her

This is so true...sometimes, it's looks; other times; it's personality and then, there is the whole package (looks and personality). No matter what, they always affair down

This post hit a chord with me. I've seen the OW, spoke with her, know about her life and yep! This smacks to be the truth about her.

She's illiterate, seeking that 'mysterious' man to 'love' only her. Um, so try to take any man who you can? The unavailable ones? Yes, she definitely suffers more of a low self esteem level. The father of her kids has been in jail since their children were babies. She hooks up with some other random guy, the father knows this, the random guy knows about the father, they're all 'ok' with that. Then four years later she's crying and whining to my guy about how she's no longer in love with the random guy. They're commiserating together about how horrible they both have it. Yeah well, even after trying to break it off with my guy because HE's so miserable with me, so he can go be with her. Guess what. He no longer wants her. So I had to figure out why.

Sure, she looks similar to me, which I found to be creepy. But she's not quite as pretty as me. She's definitely not smart, intelligent or as intellectual as me.

He did affair down. I feel sorry for the girl actually because it is true that it could have been anyone. She was just the weakest of the pack.

This is so true. I needed to read this. Thank you!

Thank you for writing this wonderful essay. I helps me feel better about myself, and i need that right now! She really is getting his leftovers, only served when I'm not around.

[This message edited by phoenix_vs at 7:34 PM, August 5th (Thursday)]

My OH definitely traded down. I found a picture on FB, i was shocked that she really IS no dull, so blah. I sound so bitchy but seriously. I am not a supermodel but she is SO not him!! Very plain, average figure what i could tell and terrible outfit. I had a couple of friends honestly look at it etc and all were like "nothing special" "you leave her for dust" all that. No wonder he felt so adored by her, she couldn't believe her luck . She reckons he said we had broken up, but i do think she convinced herself i didn't exist any more. He pretended he lived at his parents tiny flat with them. Um, you were never invited in, never met them etc, HELLO.

But then i missed a 10 month affair, so i am no detective!

OW pretty much admitted she can't cook, i can tell they fought alot from things she said. She gambled with him (bad as he is a compulsive gambler and basically she enabled him, so he thought at the time she was great fun to escape with but after rehab i hope he won't!!)

I felt somewhat better knowing she's no glamour..But it still kills me nonetheless.

My OH definitely traded down. I found a picture on FB, i was shocked that she really IS no dull, so blah. I sound so bitchy but seriously. I am not a supermodel but she is SO not him!! Very plain, average figure what i could tell and terrible outfit. I had a couple of friends honestly look at it etc and all were like "nothing special" "you leave her for dust" all that. No wonder he felt so adored by her, she couldn't believe her luck . She reckons he said we had broken up, but i do think she convinced herself i didn't exist any more. He pretended he lived at his parents tiny flat with them. Um, you were never invited in, never met them etc, HELLO.

But then i missed a 10 month affair, so i am no detective!

OW pretty much admitted she can't cook, i can tell they fought alot from things she said. She gambled with him (bad as he is a compulsive gambler and basically she enabled him, so he thought at the time she was great fun to escape with but after rehab i hope he won't!!)

I felt somewhat better knowing she's no glamour..But it still kills me nonetheless.

thank you for your kind words of wisdom

so very very true

You and I may feel that way, but my husband feels that his much younger also married OW was a really nice girl who first sought out his advice and then appreciated all of his good qualities.(many of which were hidden to me for years- but I take equal responsilbility for us drifting apart, but no responsibility for his deciding to take the plunge and have an affair with this unhappy girl. I told him if she had been single or in a happy marriage herself she never would have looked at him, but he doesn't like to believe that. so what does it matter if I feel that she was using him and never intended to get him away from me or marry him? My husband fell hook line and sinker and now 2 months after I found out, is still emotionally attached to her. they have not met again, but still text occasionally. the tone of their contact has changed from long impassioned emails and poems and song lyrics to more basic texts like I really miss you. but I am so hurt and troubled. My husband and I have talked and talked and hugged and made love and each has been kinder and nicer to eachother- doing little things again, enjoying some quality time. I feel we can survive and be even stronger than before, but he thinks that OW is special. Is there any way to change that view? I see her as an adulterer who didn't care that my husband was a family man. He says she felt terrible about that! Wow! what was she supposed to say? I hope your teen age daughters find out about us and use me as a role model someday? He just can't see. He is blind.

That my dear..is excellent..I shall use parts of this in that letter I'm planning to send to the other BITCH up the road.

:)

Christie i too have fears that my OH will think of her fondly and see her as an innocent in all this.

She had just come out of a bad relationship and he was her "shoulder to cry on" at a work conference and it went from there. I am really scared she is going to play the damsel in distress and try and get him back, even being dull as anything..

My OH says he was never emotionally attached, but i haven't got to ask if it was physical?? AND WHY? HOW??!! He is in therapy for another week, so i am unable to ask any of this, i've been left with tonnes of unanswered questions but i will definitely tell him i've seen a photo of her and seriously don't get it !!

He says she felt terrible about that

Those words mean nothing if not backed up by action - 'I feel terrible but I will still do it anyway'?. Manipulation and disingenuousness at worst - at best, a giving away of 'responsibility' of her morals to another. Both giving each other permission by 'pretending' a conscience. Why 'pretending'? Because it means sod-all if you do not act on that conscience. Your H needs to believe she was special, in order to justify his actions. Your H needs to feel he was special. Hollywood and adolescent delusions. Timing is all. That is the only 'special' thing - the timing. If it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else. (That issue of timing applies equally to our marriages as well incidentally - fatalism and determinism are not external forces).

The OW 'chose' to do a thing that made her feel terrible? Oh really? Yes, only in as much as she and he have had to paint a narrative for themselves that cloaks the real use and abuse they made of each other.

Special? Yes, specially convenient. Specially exploitative. Specially self-deceiving. Specially vulnerable? Yes, that's why she accepted crumbs (dressed up as 'special'), and 'competed'. Do not compete any longer. Your husband's narrative is self-serving and should be treated as such. You cannot 'persuade' him otherwise of her actual lack of specialness (tawdry affairs are two a penny) until he is able to realise it was never about her and all about him. He's got some way to go, sorry.

Another bump

I really needed to read this today. Thank you for posting this!

Bump

I LOVE THIS!!!!!

So true and wise. When I get my self all twisted into knots over the affair I reread this. I think I'm going to print it out and put it in my jounal.

Thank you so much for posting this.