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Is midlife crisis a myth or reality? Also, is midlife crisis a potential cause of infidelity or other problems?

I think it is a reality but it is not an excuse for an Affair.

Our first MC said that a midlife crisis is absolutely real and sets off chemicals in the brain...

Our second MC gave a thumbs down to a mid life crisis and said that while they are very real, it is how you deal with them...he doesn't think an MLC is an excuse for affairs or avoiding problems.

I think they're very real, and very painful and destructive. But they're not an excuse.

IMHO and experience with H and observing a number of close friends and family hit the MLC wall, I think it's the result of not having worked through the stages of adult maturation properly, and of not dealing with deep-seated personal issues. When you hit a 'certain age' without having properly matured into an adult, you find yourself in crisis.

In my H's case, he hadn't properly individuated as a young man, and was stuck with the maturity level of about an 18 year old - on a good day. Because he didn't work through it and ran from it, it hit him and me between the eyes.

I also believe they are real.

I think infidelity, and other 'reckless' behaviors can come about because of them...as can very healthy ones like working out or something.

I can 'see' how a MLC happens; the drudge of everyday routines - you reach a point where you crave something new, refreshing. It's how you deal with the craving that makes it dangerous or not.

I believe in our case it was very real and very classic mlc.

I also agree that it is not an excuse. He didn't handle it well at all. He made very poor, damaging choices.

We all have some hiccups in our personalities or our mental health sometimes. It comes down to the choices we make on how to handle those emotional ups and downs.

I think it is real too. Mine hit just before my EA but it wasn't the reason for affair.

I think that a MLC is an awakening/realization to what a persons life is. The person entering it can choose to ignore the awakening and find new ways to maintain their old lives the same way as before. Others recognize it and figure out how to use their old lives to live in new ways. Then there is a whole mix of people trying to do both at the same time.

My MLC and EA were both symptoms of problems which occurred long before I met my W.

at about what age would MLC hit? Would 58 be about the right age?

Reality

Wide range of age - I'd say 38-58 is pretty inclusive.

Also, is midlife crisis a potential cause of infidelity or other problems?

Very much so.

TR

[This message edited by TrulyReconciled at 10:19 AM, December 29th (Tuesday)]

I think people can have life crises at any age. I think I hit one at 30 - suddenly realized that I hadn't accomplished any of the things I wanted in life. But I handled it in a responsible manner: I started back to school, my husband and I agreed to have children, I started trying to do those thing I wanted.

So, yes, I think midlife crises are reality. I think they can strike at any age. And I don't think they are the cause of infidelity. They may contribute to the person's unhappiness with the state of life, but they don't make someone have an affair. Like everything else, a midlife crisis is another of life's problems that must be dealt with responsibly.

I do think it is a reality after dealing with WH's. He was self-assured with a very moral core UNTIL he went thru turning 50 in 2008. He became lost, weak and needing/craving attention from MOW, who was so like him in that regard.

It was NOT an excuse for his adultery. That was a conscious decision. But, it was still very sad to see such a change in such a strong person that I respected.

Of course, everything down hill from there has been a result of his selfishness. Is that a result of the MLC? Or, was he just always that way and his affair brought that out in him? I don't know...but don't want to live with it anymore either.

Very real. My WH was a stranger for a year. Thankfully, AD's helped him. Well, helped him with the effects of the MLC, the A continued.

In my H's case, he hadn't properly individuated as a young man, and was stuck with the maturity level of about an 18 year old - on a good day. Because he didn't work through it and ran from it, it hit him and me between the eyes

My H was exactly the same .Hadn't really grown up.And now at 45 I find that he has had 20 OW in the last year.It seems like he needed to have OW attention and do the things he hadn't done and were missed when he was younger.Although this isn't justification for what he did.

I'd say it's definitely reality. My WH's MLC was so classic textbook, although he keeps saying over and over "But I don't WANT to be a cliche". Oh well, too late for that.

I wish he'd just been content with the motorcycle and the little red sportscar... But his life was boring and his job was boring and apparently our marriage was boring (for him) so he convinced himself he could spice things up without ever having anyone in this compartment of his life find out. That strikes me as pretty damn cliche (and incredibly selfish and destructive as well).

Like many others I also believe that midlife crisis is a reality. I also believe that a midlife crisis can be the cause of infidelity but it is no excuse either.

In fact, I know midlife crisis is real because I am currently in the midst of my own. Without going into too much detail, I can say that severe boredom and the desire for major life changes are two of my biggest symptoms. I meet all the critera but absolutely will not turn to adultry as a means of "fixing" it because I know better.

One way I am coping with midlife crisis is by seeking out new (plutonic) friends that I can converse with on more than a superficial level. Being a guy, I also have my eye on a new truck.

After reading a couple of John Bradshaw books on codependency, and toxic shame (I've also heard it called neurotic shame, which I think is a better term). . . Bradshaw is more of a pop-psychology author, but he DOES borrow from rigorous academics, and what I read really made a lot of sense, and resonated with me.

I think that the concept of the MLC fits in with these ideas. But I think it's more of a symptom, or set of symptoms, or simply a way this same root-cause can manifest. Other common ways are addictions. And it's really all about self-esteem, rejection of self, and just living with one's soul steeped in shame and fear all the time.

It stands to reason, that anger is going to be a big byproduct of a person who just hates who he is, or how his life has turned out, and is searching desperately for ways to deny this. It's about irrational fear, and poor coping mechanisms.

"I don't feel macho enough, so I'm going to screw whores and buy a sports car."

"I'm worried about feeling old and unattractive, so I'm going to get a boob job, and screw the pool-boy."

These behaviors, and other forms of compulsive acting-out, are all just coping mechanisms for people who have suppressed their authentic selves for so long, they don't know who they are anymore, and are terrified to look and find out, and thus, try to either run and hide, or construct some idealized fictional version of themselves to present to the outside world, as a means of hopefully getting external validation.

Wow, toonice, big lightbulb moment. That really captures my H's story - kind of what I was referring to but in a much more articulate way. Thanks!

toonice just described my FWH without ever meeting him. Any wonder why my sign-in is Textbook Case?

I believe they are real and can hit from late 30's on up.

I knew my H was having a mid life crises, turning 50 was depressing to him. He bought a sports car, sold it and bought a motorcycle. Drank more, acted very weird.

I didn't know an affair was part of it. As toonice wrote, he was getting external validation from a much younger, attractive woman. He was also getting played.

Anyone else wish it'd been a red sports car and a Greek sailor's cap?

Break the term out into its parts.

Midlife:

In and of itself, midlife is no more or less challenging then any other “life point”. Adolescence can be tough. Teenage years can be a nightmare. Post –college 20 somethings, with no job in your field, can be very difficult. How about “old-age crisis” when your body starts to fail? My father once opined that after his 75th birthday any day he woke up without pain was a great day. Midlife in the 15th century was late 20’s. Now midlife just denotes that you lived past your 30’s.

Crisis:

Why is being alive a crisis? It isn’t. Discovering that your are an adult with unresolved childhood issues that continue to plague your ability to achieve happiness – that’s a crisis – at any age. Midlife Crisis is a convenient term for pointing to something outside of yourself as a source of your unhappiness. It’s a crutch.